Lunartic House

Those of you unfamiliar with the joys of Croydon; its fine architecture, beautiful central thoroughfares (such as Dingwall Road) and popular/thriving shopping centres (such as Centrale, which has an occupancy rate of less then 50%) should take a look at my special site dedicated to Croydon www.croydoniscrap.com.

Oddly enough, whenever I write to the council about the decaying infrastructure of Croydon they never answer; even the local "dead cat in tree" rags have stopped mentioning the site.

I wonder why?

Anyhoo, in addition to the joys that I describe in full technicolour detail on that site, Croydon hosts the Home Office's main immigration centre at Lunar House ("affectionately" known as Lunartic House by us locals).

As we all know Nanny takes pride in her work to integrate various religions, races and creeds under one unifying concept of Britishness. Therefore it was with great pride, as a Croydon resident, that I read about Nanny employing a leading member of an extremist Islamic group in Lunartic House.

Abid Javaid is a "senior executive officer" in the IT department at the Immigration and Nationality Directorate (in Lunartic House), this processes asylum and visa applications.

In addition to his role in helping people become British, Javaid is also an activist in the fundamentalist Islamic group Hizb-ut Tahrir. This "organ" does not believe in democracy, but instead wants a worldwide Islamic state under Shariah law.

Is it British to be anti democratic?

Blairy Poppins asked for the group, which calls for Jews to be murdered, to be banned last year.

Patrick Mercer, Tory party Homeland Security spokesman, has noted that the position that Javid holds is a tad sensitive.

Quote:

"I am amazed that this man has managed to infiltrate

such a sensitive government department.

I find it deeply worrying.

This is an insidious and dangerous organisation

that is clearly trying to worm its way into as many

government organisations as possible.

In August 2005, the Prime Minister said that these people should be banned.

Now, less than 18 months later, they are,

to all intents and purposes, legal.

This is a clandestine organisation

which seeks to infiltrate wherever it can.

This is further proof, if any were needed,

that both the IND and the Home Office are unfit for purpose."

Lunartic House has in the past offered a premium service to migrants if they agreed to perform sexual favours.

That's the spirit guys!

Hundreds of thousands of claims for visas and asylum are stacked in cardboard boxes, and the IND has been accused of losing track of applicants.

In other words it is a shite organisation, and symbolic of the failure of Nanny and her minions to run anything remotely resembling a piss up in a brewery.

A Home Office spokesman helpfully said:

"Home Office civil servants are expected to abide

by Home Office rules governing their conduct.

They are also subject to the Civil Service code."

Now you know why it is called Lunartic House!

By the way, if there is anyone from the media reading this who wants to help me kick Croydon council up the backside; I would be very grateful if you could do a piece on my Croydon website.

Nanny's Christmas Lights

Christmas comes but once a year, but in Nanny's world that is once too many times.

You see folks, despite the fact that Christmas has been around for the last 2000 years or so, Nanny believes that it is simply too dangerous to be allowed to happen anymore; therefore she is cancelling it.

That at least is what Nanny's chums in Scarborough council have done, they have decided that the ceremonial switching-on of the Christmas lights is just too dangerous so they are cancelling it.

Why is it too dangerous?

Simple, it has been so popular in previous years that up to 10,000 people turn up.

As we all know, Nanny hates public displays of spontaneity and public gatherings. The health and safety Gestapo have decreed that any gathering of over 2,000 people, to watch the lights being turned, on is simply too risky.

Therefore instead of turning families away, or making it a ticket only event (which would seem to be a sensible idea), council officials have cancelled the event altogether.

Penny Marsden, an independent councillor and shopkeeper, said:

"This is a joyous occasion

when children come out to enjoy the start of Christmas

and we are going to rob them of it."

Council chief executive, Jim Dillon, bah humbugged the event:

"A vast amount of hard work by all parties has been carried out

in looking at ways of staging the event safely,

but we all feel the risks are far too great."

Bollocks!

Feel free to write to the council here, and tell them what you think customer.first@scarborough.gov.uk

PS We won't be having any Christmas lights in Croydon either, as far as I know.

Why?

Our previous Labour council managed to bankrupt the largest (and once most prosperous) London Borough, so we can't afford any lights.

Pathetic isn't it?

Commas R'n't Us

In the form of a living testament to the failure of Nanny's "Educashun, Educashun, Educashun" policy, it has been revealed that punctuation standards at schools are so poor that pupils taking GCSE English are completing entire exams without using a single comma.

The astute amongst you will have noticed that I have used a few commas in the above...but not necessarily in the right places!

Basic grammatical errors, that used to be "ironed out" of pupils in previous generations, are now common; eg pupils do not understand the basics, such as the difference between "there" and "they're".

Other exam howlers include "been" instead of "being", and using the text message "u" instead of "you".

Impressive isn't it?

No, it's not (ooh, an apostrophe...how very sophisticated of moi).

The Assessment and Qualifications Alliance are none too impressed either, and note that teenagers are able to write entire sentences without the use of single comma.

Rather strangely though, the proportion of A* to C grades rose by 1.2% to 62.4% and A/A* grades increased by 0.7% to 19.1%. This meant that pupils were scoring A or A* in one in five GCSEs, compared to one in ten in 1988.

Clearly educashun standards have improved...haven't they folks?

The Assessment and Qualifications Alliance disagree, and have issued a report that criticises standards in papers, saying that some examiners noted a "decline in technical accuracy".

Standards of grammar and punctuation were worse among pupils who would not go on to achieve high grades.

The report says:

"While the correct use of the apostrophe continues to grow,

the use of the comma (except to differentiate items in lists)

declines.

A high percentage of scripts did not involve a single comma.

The semi-colon is making an attempt at re-appearance,

sometimes used correctly."

Apostrophes are popular, and are seemingly "sprinkled across the page at random". Some pupils even consider capital letters after full stops to be unnecessary.

Educashun?

Pah!

We don't need it cos we have university places, jobs and benefits for life right?

Right?

Nanny Bans Bells

Tis soon the season to be miserable, and rest assured that Nanny is well up to speed in ensuring that as many people as possible are inconvenienced this Christmas by her anti Christmas nonsense.

Callington Town Band in Cornwall, a registered charity, have found out to their cost that they can't play Jingle Bells in their Christmas shows unless they pay for a licence.

The reason?

The song has no religious content.

The band will have to pay £21 each for seven temporary licences to cover their Christmas programme because Nanny, in the form of the local licensing authority, says so.

Nanny's chums in Caradon District Council's licensing department told the band it would fall foul of the Licensing Act 2003, if it played anything other than religious based carols during its seven Christmas concerts.

The council says that a temporary entertainment notice was needed every time entertainment was provided in venues without public licences.

Now common sense surely dictates that a sensible way around this could be found, eg the fee is waived or the seven concerts are counted as one.

After all, the Licensing Act was meant to cover nightclubs and commercial operations rather than charitable Christmas concerts.

However, in Nanny's Britain common sense has been banned. Local councils are experts in not applying common sense, indeed one wonders if their role in life is to in fact deliberately antagonise and suppress the people that they claim they serve?

One other point of course, that stares us in the face like a syphilitic sore, is that of course the good old boys on Caradon District Council will make some money out of charging seven times for the same event.

Funny that isn't?

Cliff McKane, the band chairman, said:

"We were aghast when we received the letter

telling us that we had to have a license

unless we played on private property.

It was amazing."

The band a raises hundreds of pounds for charity each year, this year they are fundraising for the Cornwall Blind Association.

The local MP, Colin Breed, said that the ruling was an unintentional consequence of the licensing operations:

"It's just total nonsense.

We have to get to the question of whether the band are to play Jingle Bells.

Hopefully common sense will prevail.

I'm trying to get a more localised version of the law

hopefully we will resolve it before anyone plays Jingle Bells."

Nice to hear, but he shouldn't have to waste his time (and taxpayer's money) on this bollocks in the first place.

Mr McKane noted that he was confused with the new licensing laws which he says have meant the band need a license if they perform in a church yard, but not a few yards away inside the church building.

"Fines can be as much as £6,000 I've been told.

A lot of district councils are turning a blind eye."

Caradon District Council's licensing officer, Michelle Brooking, stonewalled by hiding behind the law:

"The ruling was brought in by the Licensing Act in 2003."

Can anyone tell what use local councils are?

They seem to be no use to man nor beast.

Their only rationale seems to be to enforce bureaucratic rules on the local electorate as a means of raising money, which is then spent on their salaries and expenses.

Time to abolish local councils methinks!

What say you?

Send an early Christmas message to Caradon District Council via these links:

Twats!

Chief Executive

Leader of The Council

The Firework Code

As you all know, we have recently celebrated Guy Fawkes night here in Nanny's Britain. Despite Nanny's attempts to stamp this out, it still seems to be going strong (even if some have to resort to "virtual bonfires", because of health and safety concerns).

However, as much as I am anti Nanny, I must raise an official complaint about a shortcoming in the "Firework Code". This is a simple list of do's and don'ts that try to help people avoid injury when using fireworks eg:

"Don't throw fireworks"

Regrettably Nanny has failed, this year, to make the list suitably "idiot proof". It seems that a 22 year old man had to be carted off to hospital for severe burns.

Why?

He was at a fireworks party in Sunderland, dropped his trousers and attempted to launch a rocket from his own backside!

Seemingly the rocket (a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket) got stuck, as it were, and then exploded "in situ"...er..so to speak.

The man is suffering from, unsurprisingly, burnt arse syndrome.

He will make a full recovery.

So there you go folks, Nanny let herself down this year by not including the following in the Firework Code:

"Do not attempt to launch rockets from your own arse"

That being said, no matter how many rules and regulations you have you will never be able to fully protect the moronic and stupid from themselves.

Slaves

Nanny has something of a problem with history, specifically British history. She believes that it needs to be sanitised and controlled, in much the same way that she tries to control the media today.

As such she always looks out for opportunities to try to "rubbish" the past, with the intent of trying to make her "brave new world" look more acceptable.

Her chums in English Heritage have been recently doing their bit to expunge history, they are working on a project to highlight the links between landmark buildings and slavery.

Researchers will scour the history of stately homes and other sites looking for connections to the slave trade, which was banned in Britain 200 years ago next year.

FYI, Britain was the first country in the world to ban the slave trade. Oddly enough, it still continues in some parts of Africa and has experienced something of a modern renaissance in the spawning of the sex slave industry in Eastern Europe and the Far East.

However, we must never allow facts to get in the way of one of Nanny's "bright ideas".

One of the English Heritage's commissioners, Maria Adebowale, claimed that the project would help people recognise how much of Britain's historical wealth was built on "human misery".

Maybe so, but then again most other countries have had their wealth built on the slave trade as well, at some stage or another, viz:

• The USA needed a civil war to end it, indeed the civil rights movement was still fighting for decent treatment of black people in the 1960's



• Nazi Germany used slave workers in its factories during the last war



• Blood diamonds from Africa are mined by children and other unfortunates at the point of a gun



• Japan in the last war used sex slaves from China



• Ancient Greece used slaves



• Ancient Rome used Greek slaves etc etc

Will Nanny be providing a full and complete history of the world of slavery, so that the British part in it can be viewed in context?

Will she fuck!

In fact, some of Nanny's ministers are considering whether to issue an apology to coincide with next year's abolition bicentenary.

Opponents of such moves claim historical apologies or compensation make no sense, and point to Britain's leading role in stamping out the slave trade as well as the part played by African tribes which profited from selling slaves to foreign traders.

Many of English Heritage's sites are stoneage monuments, medieval castles or abbeys; which raises the other question as to what the fark is the point of this futile exercise?

Next up, I guess the Italians will be apologising to Greeks for their slave trade?