Nanny Bans Boris

Nanny finds certain individuals very irritating, and sometimes she gets so cross with them that she enacts special laws banning them.

One such hapless individual, who has really got under Nanny’s skin of late, is Conservative MP Boris Johnson.

Now Boris Johnson is exactly the sort of person that really “pisses off” Nanny (can I say “piss off” on a public blog?).

Boris, you see, is a free spirit; who says what he thinks, without worrying about Nanny’s strictures on whether the comment is possibly going to annoy someone or some vested interest.

Boris not only speaks his mind, but dresses and styles himself in a somewhat “free spirited” manner. Of particular concern to Nanny is Boris’s hairstyle. This is something that Nanny really disapproves of, as she believes that people should have only “sensible hair”.

Boris is also responsible for the Spectator magazine; which, as we all know, has really upset one of Nanny’s close chums in the last week or so. Nanny, hold grudges and would dearly love to shut that magazine down; not to mention punish those responsible for hurting her friend.

Finally, Boris, owing the limited office space at the House of Commons and the offices of the Spectator; has had to resort to conducting most of his business dealings and constituency work on a bicycle, with a mobile phone.

Nanny hates these “free spirits”.

Boris’s cycling was the final straw for Nanny. Now the time had come to nail Boris once and for all. She therefore had a word with some of her “sensible haircut” friends in the Conservative party; and has persuaded them to table an amendment to Nanny’s Road Safety Bill. This will make cyclists liable to the same £60 mobile-phone fine as motorists.

Boris is rumoured not to be happy at this bit of Nanny nonsense.

Two years ago he wrote:

“Just as I will never vote to ban hunting, so I will never vote to abolish the free-born Englishman’s time-hallowed and immemorial custom, dating back as far as 1990 or so, of cycling while talking on a mobile…Among the many political tasks I have set myself is to prevent the practice from ever being outlawed by Parliament.”

He has pledged to:

“Defend the right to cycle and phone while there is breath in my body”.

When asked in an interview with the London Cyclist magazine this month whether he still used his mobile while cycling, Mr Johnson said:

“I do. And to hell with it! It’s not against the law..If I was a one-armed cyclist you wouldn’t kick me off my bicycle, and I’m just doing something with my free arm, aren’t I?”

Unfortunately for Boris, and other free spirits, Nanny has taken her revenge; it, like many other things that we take for granted, is going to be against the law.