Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Youthquake Is Bollocks


What utter bollocks!

There is no "cultural upheaval" driven by youth, there is widespread dissatisfaction with the "quality" and "competency" of our politicians from all parties. Hence the fact Labour lost the election, despite what the "youthquake cheerleaders" from the media and Labour would have us believe!

My word of the year is "Bollocks"!

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Thursday, December 14, 2017

Safe Scissors Are Crap!


Whilst these scissors are safe for idiots and children, they are nonetheless the most useless pair of scissors in Christendom!

I will now proceed to run around the house with them with gay abandon!

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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Dick Wit


'Tis the season to be offended.

Now that Christmas is almost upon us, and our sideboards etc are groaning under the weight of nuts, booze, figs and other things let us not forget those who choose to be offended by panto.

Despite the fact that panto has always been a tad risque, what with double entendres and women dressing as men and men as women, some people still manage to be surprised at being offended by what they see.

Such is the case for a production of Dick Whittington starring John Barrowman and the Krankies at the Manchester Opera House. Seemingly the gestures, repeated references to "Dick" and other issues offended panto goer Natalie Wood. A full report can be found in the Manchester Evening News.

Suffice to say calls to ban the panto will be ignored.

Those of you who are easily offended should probably not go to the panto, lest you take offence at Dick's wit.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Nanny Wants To Pay Mothers To Breastfeed Their Babies


Seemingly a study of breastfeeding habits in the UK has concluded that more mothers would breastfeed if they were paid.

The suggested figure is around £200, possibly in vouchers for supermarkets/shops.

Can anyone spot the flaw in this, otherwise, "ingenious" plan?

Yes, that's right, how the hell does Nanny know if the mother is telling the truth that she is breastfeeding her baby?
In the event Nanny implements this suggestion, will men be paid to have a J Arthur everyday (given that it is meant to be good for the prostate)?

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Monday, December 11, 2017

SNOWBOMB ALERT!!!!!!


As ever, Nanny and her media act with utter hysteria when rain and snow descend upon our septic isles.

Who would have thought that it would snow in winter?

Needless to say we are being smothered in an avalanche of "amber warnings" and tedious advice about not getting cold etc etc. It also goes without saying that transport services have all but collapsed in some parts of the country.

I would also note, with a hat tip to the muse irony, that an illuminated snowman that I had ordered for delivery today has (so I am informed by the supplier) been delayed because of snow!

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Thursday, December 07, 2017

Snowflakes Don't Get Irony


As per The Telegraph:
"Being called a "snowflake" is damaging to mental health, young people say.  Figures show that the majority of young people think the term is unfair - and even more think it could have a negative effect of its own. 

The "snowflake generation" is a disparaging term now commonly used to refer to young people, who are perceived to be over-sensitive and intolerant of disagreement."
There's irony for you!

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Shock, Horror, Probe - Winter Is Coming!


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Wednesday, December 06, 2017

One Whiff, And You're Stiff!


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Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Pizza Hut Are Wimps!

 
Apologising for something you go ahead and do anyway is not an apology.

If Pizza Hut don't like The Sun, then they should have the balls not to do business with it; otherwise they should man up and not apologise!

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Friday, December 01, 2017

Nanny's Booze Guidelines Are Bollocks!


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Thursday, November 30, 2017

Nanny Bans Golden Brown


Oh dear, those of you who like golden brown crisps and biscuits are in for a disappointment.

Nanny will ban golden brown biscuits and crisps, as from next April.

For why?

Nanny's new rules force manufacturers to reduce acrylamide, a chemical found in burnt food which may lead to a higher risk of cancer.

The Telegraph quotes industry figures who said the products would now be baked at lower temperatures for longer, meaning they would lose their colour but not their crunch.

How absurd!

Fear not, it's not all bad, the salt and sugar (that Nanny also hates) in these products will remain!

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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Nanny's Victorian Values - Scarlet Fever Makes a Comeback!


Despite an all pervasive Nanny state, that lectures from dawn til dusk about our health, lifestyles, eating, drinking etc it seems we are not actually getting any healthier.

In fact, in certain areas, we appear to be reverting to Victorian levels of health.

It transpires that the UK is in the grip of a Scarlet Fever outbreak. As per ZeroHedge scarlet fever cases are now at 50-year-high sparking concerns for researchers, as they are baffled as to how “Victorian-era” diseases are making a comeback.

Scarlet fever hit its highest level in England for 50 years, with more than 17,000 cases reported in 2016 according to research in the Lancet. The infection is most common in children under the age of 10 and although highly contagious (being spread easily with a cough) is easily cured with a round of antibiotics. But that, in and of itself, raises concerns of the disease becoming resistant to antibiotics, creating a global pandemic.

Doctors are urging the public to be aware of symptoms, which include a rosy rash, and seek help from their doctor. Data for 2017 suggests the rate of infection may be falling, but experts remain cautious, saying it is “too early to tell.” Normally, first world nations have a better chance of handling an outbreak such as this, but England is on the verge of losing control over this scarlet fever outbreak.

“We are concerned – it’s quite a dramatic rise,” said Dr. Theresa Lamagni, head of streptococcal surveillance at Public Health England, who led the study.

Well then, instead of advancing we appear to be heading back to the good old days!

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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

How Many Men Does It Take To Chop Down A Tree In Sheffield?


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Friday, November 24, 2017

Drunk Handcuffed Man Crashes Police Car - Oops!


As per the BBC, a drink-driver who tried to escape in a police car and crashed into cars while wearing handcuffs has been jailed.

Dominic O'Neill, 38, was detained and placed in the back, but "managed to to get into the driver's seat and drive off" in Leicester, on 21 October.

O'Neill was sentenced to 16 months in prison for several motoring offences at Leicester Crown Court.

Leicestershire Police said its officers had "received advice" surrounding the circumstances of the crash.

Quite!

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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Nanny Hates Sleeping Beauty


As expected, the media hysteria over the alleged behaviour of certain celebrities and politicians has had a knock on effect in the real world.

Sarah Hall, from Northumberland Park, has decided that the fairytale Sleeping Beauty promotes unacceptable behaviour which shouldn’t be read to young children.
She is of the view that it teaches children that it is ok to kiss a woman while she’s asleep, which she says is not acceptable.

ChronicleLive reports that she left a comment in her son’s record book, and contacted his school to ask if books featuring it could be taken out of circulation for younger classes.

She said:
 “In today’s society, it isn’t appropriate - my son is only six, he absorbs everything he sees, and it isn’t as if I can turn it into a constructive conversation.
Mum Sarah Hall says storybooks like this shouldn't be presented to young children
I don’t think taking Sleeping Beauty books out of circulation completely would be right. I actually think it would be a great resource for older children, you could have a conversation around it, you could talk about consent, and how the Princess might feel.

But I’m really concerned about it for younger children, would really welcome a conversation about whether this is suitable material."
She said:
I think it’s a specific issue in the Sleeping Beauty story about sexual behaviour and consent.

It’s about saying is this still relevant, is it appropriate?
All very well except, as with everything in life, deeds and words must be taken and judged in context. The kiss is in no manner or means portrayed in the fairytale as being sexual; ie it is clearly not an assault.

Kate Edwards, chief executive of Seven Stories, the national centre for children's books , argued stories like Sleeping Beauty have an important cultural and traditional role to play, and shouldn't be lost - but they can be 'played with'.
"The fairytale tradition is rooted in moral instruction, telling children what's right and wrong.

Of course, the cultural context and moral have changed hugely, so it's important that children are given cultural context - but you can do that without losing these stories.

We would always want to explore that story and its cultural relevance and rights and wrongs, as well as playing with it a bit.

Children have a strong sense of right and wrong, and talking about stories is a good way to access that.

We would also point to a lot of retellings of Sleeping Beauty, like The Worst Princess, which keep elements of the story but with a very empowered princess."
What about stories such as Little Red Riding Hood?

Surely being chased by a ravenous wolf is far more threatening?

More to the point, surely the attempted poisoning of Sleeping Beauty by the evil queen is not acceptable either?

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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Booze Affects Your Mood - Who Knew?


The journal BMJ Open has published the results of a study that came to the stunning conclusion that different types of alcoholic drink change and shape your mood in different ways.

Spirits may make you feel angry, sexy or tearful, while red wine or beer may make you feel relaxed.

Nearly 30,000 people aged 18-34 from 21 different countries were questioned for the study.

This needed a study?

Kind of obvious isn't it?

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Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Fry Ups Cause Harmful Pollution - Simon Cooke Responds On Behalf of Humanity!


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Monday, November 20, 2017

Scottish Nanny's Minimum Booze Price


My sympathies to the good people of Scotland, who are lumbered with Nanny's minimum pricing for alcohol.

This will not have any beneficial effect whatsoever, as people who drink 4 cans of beer for a £1 (Nanny's target) will stump up the new price of £4 for 4 and simply cut down on their other expenditure eg food, heating etc.

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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Nanny Would Prefer Dehydration, Rather Than Coke


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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Merry Greggsmas - Jesus Becomes Sausage Roll


Oh dear, Greggs the bakers has managed to offend a few people with its Christmas Advent Calendar.

The baby Jesus in the crib has been replaced with a pork sausage roll, thus managing to offend Christians and Jews (Jesus was Jewish).

However, Metro noted that there were a flurry of pastry related puns, such as ‘Jesus Crust, our savoury’ and ‘Away in Pret A Manger’.

Hey ho, and we aren't even in December yet!

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Facts vs Ideology


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Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Kids Drinking Less - The End Of Civilisation As We Know It!

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Monday, November 06, 2017

Auntie Creates A Shit Show Out of Nothing - The Queen and The Paradise Papers


Auntie dragged herself down to new depths last night, by making her lead news item the fact that the Queen has £10M in an offshore vehicle of some sort or another.

Aside from the fact that in terms of this country's finances £10M is chicken feed, Auntie then went on to say that the Queen has in fact done nothing wrong and that as she is not legally required to pay tax she therefore cannot be accused of trying to avoid tax (which by the way is perfectly legal for rich and poor alike).

Are there really so few genuine issues, both domestically and globally, that Auntie is reduced to this form of shit show?

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Thursday, November 02, 2017

Auntie Wants To Ban Men


All of the women I know (be they friends or ex colleagues etc) would, were they on the receiving end of an unwanted advance, put the person firmly in his/her place either verbally or with a slap.

That would be the end of the matter.

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Friday, October 27, 2017

Scottish Nanny To Cap Portion Sizes


I am underwhelmed to read that Scottish Nanny is to stick her nose into the portions sizes served by restaurants, pubs and takeaways and set a limit.

As per the Telegraph:
"Supermarket price promotions on junk food are to be restricted and restaurant meal sizes could be capped under controversial plans unveiled by SNP ministers to tackle Scotland’s obesity epidemic.

A new Scottish Government diet and obesity strategy, published for consultation, said ministers are “minded” to clamp down on promotions on food that is high in fat, salt and sugar.

This could include a ban on multi-buy offers on products such as crisps and sweets, or shops temporarily discounting their price in order to increase sales.

Among the other controversial proposals are introducing portion limits on the size of takeaway, pub and restaurant meals. Food outlets would be forced to attach labels on menus and packaging disclosing how many calories their dishes contain."
Nanny can fark off, it is not her role to dictate how much or little we eat; neither is it her role to tell us we are fat!

The ‘state guardians’ assigned to each pre-school child under the SNP’s controversial Named Person scheme will “offer referrals to family healthy living and weight interventions” for those youngsters deemed to be too fat.
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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Auntie Gives Some Much Needed Advice To Prospective Labour MPs



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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

The Joy of Cricket!


Source: MCC Museum Lords

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Monday, October 23, 2017

Aged Syphilitic Dictator's Fall From Grace


Well then I see that the aged, syphilitic, dictator Mugabe had something of an eventful weekend.

Appointed by WHO (the organisation that blames hot drinks for cancer) as their goodwill ambassador on Friday, only to be sacked on Sunday after howls of protest from around the world.

Quite how WHO makes their decisions is beyond me, but if they are as crap at health care as they are at appointing people then the world is well and truly farked!

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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Nanny Bans Fat People and Smokers From NHS


I see that Nanny's chums in the NHS Hertfordshire have decided that fat people and smokers do not warrant the same level of care that others receive.

The Telegraph reports that new rules, drawn up by clinical commissioning groups (CCGs) in Hertfordshire, say that obese patients “will not get non-urgent surgery until they reduce their weight” at all, unless the circumstances are exceptional.

The criteria also mean smokers will only be referred for operations if they have stopped smoking for at least eight weeks, with such patients breathalysed before referral.

East and North Hertfordshire CCG and  Herts Valleys said the plans aimed to encourage people “to take more responsibility for their own health and wellbeing, wherever possible, freeing up limited NHS resources for priority treatment”.

All very well and good, maybe. However, who is next on the list of second class citizens:

- people who eat "too much" fat, salt and sugar?
- people who drink?
- people who take drugs?
- people who don't follow Nanny's exercise programme?
- people who don't use protection during sex?

The list is endless!

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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Camila Blames Cameron


In February 2016 I wrote:
"Loyal readers know that I have been less than impressed with the Kids Company, and the clowns that were allegedly "in charge" of that clusterfuck of an organisation.

I am pleased to see that the Commons Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs Committee (PACAC) have given that failed organisation, and its "leaders" a well deserved kicking.

Unsurprisingly the clown in chief, Camila Batmanghelidjh, denies everything and is quoted by the BBC saying that the report "is a product of bias and rumour".
"
It seems Camila is still in  denial!

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Monday, October 16, 2017

Ophelia - The Oncoming Damp Squid


I see that Nanny and the Meteorological Orifice, are becoming hysterical over the oncoming damp squid Ophelia.

Mindful that today is the 30th anniversary of the Great Storm, an event that the Met woefully under predicted, Nanny has gone into overdrive over Ophelia.

Pound to penny this turns out to be a damp squid!

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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Raw Eggs Are Now Safe!



Those of you with long memories may well recall the furore in the 1980's over the risk of salmonella poisoning from eggs.

Ever since then, Nanny has frowned upon us eating runny eggs.

Now relief is at hand, Nanny's Food Standards Agency has now declared that runny eggs are safe:
"The Food Standards Agency has today announced a change to its advice about eating eggs - infants, children, pregnant women and elderly people can now safely eat raw or lightly cooked eggs that are produced under the British Lion Code of Practice.


The revised advice, based on the latest scientific evidence, means that people vulnerable to infection or who are likely to suffer serious symptoms from food poisoning (such as infants, children, pregnant women and  elderly people) can now safely eat raw or lightly cooked hen eggs or foods containing them.

We had previously advised that vulnerable groups should not consume raw or lightly cooked eggs, because eggs may contain salmonella bacteria which can cause serious illness."
I have to say I have been steadfastly ignoring Nanny's egg advice since the 1980's, and have never suffered from a dicky stomach as a result of eating runny yolks!

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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

The Dangers of Standing


Nanny has long hated the fact that we sit on our arses all day, she thinks we should be up moving around or at least standing around.

In fact she has managed to link prolonged periods of sitting to cancer, type 2 diabetes and speeding up ageing.

However, in an amusing twist, it appears that standing is also dangerous.


Those who stand up for prolonged periods of time are more susceptible to cardiovascular diseases, the study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology has found.

Well then, if we can't stand or sit shall we simply lie down in or coffins and be done with it?

I am sure Nanny would prefer that!

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Thursday, October 05, 2017

Nanny Hates Pesto


I see Nanny's chums from that interfering busybody group Consensus Action on Salt and Health have got their knickers in a twist again.

This time over the salt content of Pesto.

Seemingly CASH are of the view that Sacla's Italia Organic Vegetarian Pesto No 5 Basil and Italia Pesto No 1 Classic Basil now contain more salt per serving than a McDonald's hamburger.

It went on to say that said none of the sauces it checked, including some made by Sainsbury's and Tesco, could be described as healthy.

Sacla, quite rightly, said its products should be enjoyed as part of a balanced diet. In other words normal people are hardly likely yo be eating it by the bucketful.

I would make a few observations about what people should do:

- drink more water if you are worried about salt
- add sugar to counteract the salt
- complain to McDonald's that their hamburgers don't contain enough salt
- ask CASH what the hell is it to do with them what we eat?

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Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Don't Get Old - It's Shite!


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Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Bags For Life Become Bags For Death


In a hugely amusing piece of irony, Nanny has got her knickers in a twist over her environmentally friendly bags for life.

It seems that reusable “bags for life” can spread deadly food poisoning bacteria if they are used to carry raw foods such as fish and meat.

Nanny's Food Standards Agency (FSA) is recommending that shoppers use separate bags to carry raw foods, ready-to eat foods and non-food items such as household cleaners and washing powder.

Aha!

That will give the supermarkets a nice little earner!

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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Nanny Bans Sausage Rolls


My thanks to a loyal reader who has advised me that Nanny's school lunchbox Gestapo are now searching for forbidden sausage rolls.

The BBC reports that the new policy at Shirley Manor Primary Academy in Bradford states parents will be called if banned foods are found in packed lunches.

Steve Fryer, whose son's sausage roll was confiscated, said the school should "stick to teaching kids".

The policy says pupils are encouraged to show their packed lunches to staff before and after they have eaten.

It states pork pies, sausage rolls and pepperoni sticks should not be included and neither should fruit squash or flavoured water.

Not Nanny's business!

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Nanny Hates Rugby


I see that Nanny has decreed that tackling should be banned from school rugby, lest there be an injury.

That somewhat undermines the entire game!

Anyhoo, given that Nanny is so worried about injuries arising from contact, what about those sustained playing football, hockey, cricket etc?

Surely these sports need to be "tamed" by Nanny as well?

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