Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Portman Group - Never Give a Shit

Loyal readers with long memories may recall that the Portman Group (a "drinks watchdog"...whatever that means?) has been featured on this site on occasions in the past. In February 2010 I awarded it my Prats of The Week Award:
"Portman (or is it Porkman?) have decreed that Tokyo beer (launched in the summer of 2009 by BrewDog) is evil and must be banned.

For why?

Well my old muckers Tokyo beer is a strong beer, 18.2% in fact, the strongest on sale in the UK.

However, surely I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate"?) there are drinks that are stronger than that (eg vodka, meths, etc)?

Yes indeed there are!"
More than four years on an Porkman continue to behave like prats, yet again targeting BrewDog.

It seems that BrewDog's Dead Pony Club Ale has irked Porkman, and they have decided to ban it. Please note that Porkman has no statutory ability to ban the sale of alcohol, as such its words are nothing more than hot air.

BrewDog are suitably unimpressed with Porkman and have issued the following press release:
"Today the Portman Group has officially banned BrewDog's Dead Pony Club 3.8% ale. See

On behalf of BrewDog PLC and its 14,691 individual shareholders, I would like to issue a formal apology to the Portman Group for not giving a shit about today’s ruling. Indeed, we are sorry for never giving a shit about anything the Portman Group has to say, and treating all of its statements with callous indifference and nonchalance.

Unfortunately, the Portman Group is a gloomy gaggle of killjoy jobsworths, funded by navel-gazing international drinks giants. Their raison d’ĂȘtre is to provide a diversion for the true evils of this industry, perpetrated by the gigantic faceless brands that pay their wages. Blinkered by this soulless mission, they treat beer drinkers like brain dead zombies and vilify creativity and competition. Therefore, we have never given a second thought to any of the grubby newspeak they disseminate periodically.


While the Portman Group lives out its days deliberating whether a joke on a bottle of beer is responsible or irresponsible use of humour, at BrewDog we will just get on with brewing awesome beer and treating our customers like adults. I’m sure that makes Henry Ashworth cry a salty tear into his shatterproof tankard of Directors as he tries to enforce his futile and toothless little marketing code, but we couldn’t give a shit about that, either.

The Portman Group took objection to the phrase "rip it up down empty streets"? Mr Portman, you seem to like taking things literally. Can you please explain how something can be ‘anti-social’ if the streets are empty? Anti-social is defined as ‘contrary to the laws and customs of society, in a way that causes annoyance and disapproval in others.’ If the streets are empty, there are no ‘others’ to annoy.  


As for not agreeing with "we believe faster is better", well I think the archaic existence of the Portman Group proves just how bad "slow" can really be. Maybe they should try and catch up with the rest of the world instead of insulting the intelligence of consumers with such a thin veneer of impartiality. It is an embarrassing condemnation of the mega brewers who provide their funding, the same mega brewers whose pricing reaps havoc on society.  

Mr Portman, we'd be appreciative if you could now kindly save some trees and stop sending us meaningless letters.

We sincerely hope that the sarcasm of this message fits the Portman Group criteria of responsible use of humour."
Well said!

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  1. Standing ovation!

  2. Charles May3:06 PM

    As one of those shareholders I can only agree. Portman get their knickers in a twist about strong beer, so are presented with a beer at 3.8% but don't like that either.