Portman Group - Never Give a Shit

Loyal readers with long memories may recall that the Portman Group (a "drinks watchdog"...whatever that means?) has been featured on this site on occasions in the past. In February 2010 I awarded it my Prats of The Week Award:

"Portman (or is it Porkman?) have decreed that Tokyo beer (launched in the summer of 2009 by BrewDog) is evil and must be banned.

For why?

Well my old muckers Tokyo beer is a strong beer, 18.2% in fact, the strongest on sale in the UK.

However, surely I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate"?) there are drinks that are stronger than that (eg vodka, meths, etc)?

Yes indeed there are!"

More than four years on an Porkman continue to behave like prats, yet again targeting BrewDog.

It seems that BrewDog's Dead Pony Club Ale has irked Porkman, and they have decided to ban it. Please note that Porkman has no statutory ability to ban the sale of alcohol, as such its words are nothing more than hot air.

BrewDog are suitably unimpressed with Porkman and have issued the following press release:

"Today the Portman Group has officially banned BrewDog's Dead Pony Club 3.8% ale. See http://www.morningadvertiser.co.uk/Drinks-Brands-News/3.8-ABV-BrewDog-beer-falls-foul-of-the-Portman-Group

On behalf of BrewDog PLC and its 14,691 individual shareholders, I would like to issue a formal apology to the Portman Group for not giving a shit about today’s ruling. Indeed, we are sorry for never giving a shit about anything the Portman Group has to say, and treating all of its statements with callous indifference and nonchalance.

Unfortunately, the Portman Group is a gloomy gaggle of killjoy jobsworths, funded by navel-gazing international drinks giants. Their raison d’être is to provide a diversion for the true evils of this industry, perpetrated by the gigantic faceless brands that pay their wages. Blinkered by this soulless mission, they treat beer drinkers like brain dead zombies and vilify creativity and competition. Therefore, we have never given a second thought to any of the grubby newspeak they disseminate periodically.



While the Portman Group lives out its days deliberating whether a joke on a bottle of beer is responsible or irresponsible use of humour, at BrewDog we will just get on with brewing awesome beer and treating our customers like adults. I’m sure that makes Henry Ashworth cry a salty tear into his shatterproof tankard of Directors as he tries to enforce his futile and toothless little marketing code, but we couldn’t give a shit about that, either.

The Portman Group took objection to the phrase "rip it up down empty streets"? Mr Portman, you seem to like taking things literally. Can you please explain how something can be ‘anti-social’ if the streets are empty? Anti-social is defined as ‘contrary to the laws and customs of society, in a way that causes annoyance and disapproval in others.’ If the streets are empty, there are no ‘others’ to annoy.  



As for not agreeing with "we believe faster is better", well I think the archaic existence of the Portman Group proves just how bad "slow" can really be. Maybe they should try and catch up with the rest of the world instead of insulting the intelligence of consumers with such a thin veneer of impartiality. It is an embarrassing condemnation of the mega brewers who provide their funding, the same mega brewers whose pricing reaps havoc on society.  

Mr Portman, we'd be appreciative if you could now kindly save some trees and stop sending us meaningless letters.

We sincerely hope that the sarcasm of this message fits the Portman Group criteria of responsible use of humour."

Well said!

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Porkman Power

Nanny's campaign against booze continues apace.

Remember loyal readers that I warned time and time again that once Nanny had dealt with the smokers, she would move onto the drinkers (after that will target those who eat fat, sugar and salt).

Anyhoo, Nanny wants to force alcohol brands to display health warnings on labels.

The Department of Health claims that only 15% of drinks provide enough information about units and health harms.

So what?

We are bombarded with messages from Nanny's bunker about the dangers of booze, doesn't she think that we are able to make informed decisions without further bombardment?

All of which is highly ironic given MPs' predispositions to being fat, corrupt, substance abusing smokers.

Nanny has three options for compliance: voluntary adherence, enforced compliance via industry body The Portman (Porkman) Group or required to comply by law.

Warnings on fag packets are ignored, why does Nanny think that warnings on booze will be treated with anything more than the contempt that they deserve?

Here's a radical thought, how about politicians keeping their mouths shut for a good long time and stop interfering in people's lives?

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Prats of The Week - The Portman Group

Tis a frosty and bright Monday morning, as we skip "gleefully" to work with songs in our hearts let us take a moment to contemplate this week's prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

I am happy to bestow the award on the Portman Group (a "drinks watchdog"...whatever that means?).

Portman (or is it Porkman?) have decreed that Tokyo beer (launched in the summer of 2009 by BrewDog) is evil and must be banned.

For why?

Well my old muckers Tokyo beer is a strong beer, 18.2% in fact, the strongest on sale in the UK.

However, surely I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate"?) there are drinks that are stronger than that (eg vodka, meths, etc)?

Yes indeed there are!

However, Porkman are not just up in arms about the strength of the beer but the marketing message of the beer.

"Everything in moderation, including moderation itself.

What logically follows is that you must, from time, have excess.

This beer is for those times."

Now you an I can see that this is rather witty, and in keeping with the concept of drinking an 18% beer.

The trouble being that the UK has an infestation of busybodies who can't keep their noses out of other people's business. Certain sad lifeless drongoes have complained to Porkman about the wording in 2009.

Here is one of the complaints:

"I also feel 'intergalactic fantastic' points towards hallucinogenic qualities."

Pathetic isn't it?

The result?

Porkman have decreed (via a "retailer alert bulletin") that shops should remove the beer from their shelves, until Brewdog complies with Porkman's view of "decent" marketing standards; ie a quango with no legal remit to interfere is trying to impose its views on others.

Errmm...as far as I am aware Porkman probably have no right to ban the sale of the beer. Therefore their "retailer alert" is most likely a waste of paper.

Additionally, the majority of the beer is in fact destined for export (a mere 10% of Tokyo is sold in specialist shops in the UK).

Therefore this entire exercise is a waste of time. Doubtless though Porkman have had a nice "rush" from playing at wielding of power.

I would also note that BrewDog sell the world's strongest beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin, storming ion at 32% and retailing at £35 a bottle.

Bring it on:)

Porkman Group, well deserving Prats of The Week!

Write to them here info@portmangroup.org.uk

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I'll Drink To That!

My compliments to the good people of BrewDog who, fed up with being criticised by Nanny for producing a beer of humongous strength (Tokyo weighs in at a colossal 18.2% no less!), have produced a beer as week as piss water and named it "Nanny State".

In fact the new beer has such a low-alcohol content that Nanny does not class it as a beer, and it was not subject to beer duty.

BrewDog also makes a drink called "Speedball", prompting a vitriolic attack from the Porkman (sorry Portman) Group who whinge that it shares the same name as a drug cocktail that killed River Phoenix.

So what!

I raise my glass to BrewDog!

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Busybody Tries To Ban Goodbody

Despite the never ceasing attempts by Nanny and her acolytes to suppress common sense, once in a while common sense does actually prevail in Nanny Britain.

One such example of common sense occurred in March when the Portman Group, which regulates brewers, rejected a busybody attempt by Alcohol Concern to ban the logo used by Wye Valley Brewery on their Dorothy Goodbody stout.

Their alleged crime?

Alcohol Concern felt that the blonde lady showing her thighs was "sexually suggestive".

So what?

Alcohol and sex are as inexorably linked as salt and pepper.

Half of the bonking in the world wouldn't have occurred without a stiff belt of booze beforehand.



Dorothy Goodbody stout has been in existence for 15 years and the Portman Group thought that Alcohol Concern were talking bollocks, they found that the brewery had not crossed the line from acceptable to irresponsible marketing.

Vernon Amor, managing director of Wye Valley Brewery, said:

"If you were to ban Dorothy Goodbody, where would it end?

Next thing you know there would be a ban on all the Carry On films and the iconic British seaside postcards."

I have little doubt that Nanny would love to ban those things as well!

Don't forget to wear you beergoggles tonight.

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