Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Monday, December 03, 2012

Nanny Bans SpongeBob Squarepants

Commiserations to SpongeBob Squarepants who went to Wolverhampton's Market Square the other evening to turn on the Christmas lights, only to be prevented from doing so by the local council.

For why?

Seemingly health and safety rules deemed that SpongeBob was just too wide to walk up five steps onto the platform, where he was meant to press the button.

All very well I suppose, if he really couldn't mount (can I use the word "mount"  before the watershed?) the steps.

However, one would have thought that the council should have thought of that before they spent £2,000 of taxpayers' money on hiring Mr Squarepants to appear.

Yes, you did read that correctly......£2,000!

For £50 and a drink I would have done it in any costume they wanted!

One wonders where local councils keep their brains when they come up with schemes to waste our money?

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store. is brought to you by "The Living Brand"

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries


  1. Anonymous12:29 PM

    I don't want to seem picky or anything, but his pants are rectangular.................

    Just saying.

    1. Anonymous2:16 PM

      Thank you.

      I find these geometric inaccuracies very annoying. There are many examples. For instance, we are led to believe that tea bags are ‘pyramids’ when in fact they are obviously tetrahedral.
      Each time I see an advert for pyramid tea bags on the television I say to my wife, ‘These people are cunts with their ignorance of triangulated shapes and I shall write to them to let them know’.

  2. Lord of Atlantis2:49 PM

    Since the council failed to take elf'n'safety rules into account, when they handed over £2,000 for hiring SpongeBob, I trust this money will be paid by the jerk responsible, and not the taxpayers of Woplverhampton? No, I didn't think so!

  3. Tonk.2:52 PM

    I wonder why councils are so bad at negotiating commercial deals on behalf of their tax payers.
    It seems that Nanny, from local Nanny through EUSSR Nanny, cannot get value for money: why?

    I bet, if I decided to put on a party for one of my younger grandchildren, I could get Sponge Bob Square Pants for a lo0t less than £2000......If a high flyer like our host would do it for fifty quid and a drink, I am sure I could get someone to do it for a lot less.....Incase I can't Ken, what are you doing mid march next year, my youngest grandson will have his sixth birthday on the 13th and he likes SBSP? For your information, I have both Gin and Tonic :-)

  4. gfghfgf4:56 PM

    I learnt two completely different solutions to this problem. One at school and one during my first week at work.

    At school we were given a lateral-thinking exercise about delivering a gas cylinder to a first-floor flat. But applied to this situation it would be:

    SpongeBob Squarepants has arrived to switch on the Christmas lights.
    The switch is on a platform accessed from a flight of steps.
    Unfortunately SpongeBob has fallen foul of health and safety rules due to his width.
    Meanwhile, all the boys and girls in the square are howling loudly in the dark!
    What do you do?

    Wrong answers include:

    Bribe some local builders to turn a blind eye while you borrow their diesel hoist.
    Use an iron mallet to widen the steps to keep the health and safety rep happy.
    Offer another celebrity £50 and a drink to climb the steps and do SpongeBob's job for him.

    The correct answer is:

    Don't waste time solving the problem of bringing SpongeBob to the button. Just run a piece of wire to the ground and bring the button to SpongeBob.

    I've lost track of how many times that lesson has proved useful in later life. It should be taught to the council reps.

    But I prefer the approach practised widely at work: slap a JFDI on SpongeBob and tell him where to stuff health and safety.