Fishy Business

My sympathies to Clive Roberts, a voluntary hospital worker at the University Hospital of Wales, who recently fell foul of Nanny's fish protection rules.

Mr Roberts maintains the pond in the hospital and, because it was about to be drained, used his brains and scooped up the 60 fishy occupants of the pond into a bucket to move them to his own garden pond for temporary housing.

Can you guess what happened next loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, Nanny's Environment Agency told him that he had not followed proper procedures (ie he needed a formal licence to move the goldfish - the rule is there to prevent the spread of disease).

He was worried that he faced the prospect of prosecution and, surprise surprise, a fine of £1K.

Our government, as clearly stated by an outgoing Treasury bod, has no money left. Therefore they, and their minions, will use every trick in the book to bleed us dry.

However, it seems that the media publicity may have caused the EA to back off, they seem to be indicating that they will not take any action.

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Nanny Wants Thicker Chips

Well now, here is a Nanny scheme that in theory I could almost buy into.

Nanny's chumps (sorry, chums) in the Food Standards Agency (FSA) are concerned that thin chips absorb more fat than thick chips.

As such they are campaigning for chunkier chips to be produced.

In theory this is an excellent idea, the thin reconstituted "potato type" reheated shite (aka "fries"), offered by certain fast food chains and "restaurants", are an abomination and have zero taste/sensuality in the mouth.

Factoid: contrary to what some would have you believe frying chips in dripping or lard is better for you, because vegetable oils contains trans fats.

I am all for a return to the more traditional thick cut chip, as served by our traditional chippie.

However, as with all of Nanny's schemes, there is a fly in her oinkment.

Can you guess where the FSA intends to start rolling out her "thick cut chip" scheme?

Yes, that's right, chip shops!

The FSA will run pilot schemes in Cambridgeshire, Greater Manchester and Northern Ireland. Officials will visit 80 chip shops to examine how much fat is in their chips and offer advice.

Message to Nanny, chip shops already serve thick cut chips and cook them fresh (ie they are not injected with fat and then reheated).

Nanny should be visiting those outlets that serve "fries" not chips.

A remarkable waste of time and money.

Oh, and by the way, I have never forgiven the EU for banning newspaper as a means of wrapping my chips!

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Prats Of The Week - The Dangers of Fish and Chips

Ooh my word, I haven't awarded my world renowned and internationally respected "Prats of The Week" Award for quite some time.

Methinks it is time to do so!

This week it goes to the wardens (and Norwich council who employed them) of Lakenfields sheltered housing complex in Norwich.

Lakenfields is a sheltered housing complex for elderly people. It has a good community spirit, whereby each week George Pretty (72) would do a fish and chip shop run and bring back fish and chips for his 18 fellow residents who were not able to get out.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, the health and safety gestapo decreed that there may be a health and safety risk wrt the ambient temperature of the fish and chips.

The result being that the wardens banned Mr Pretty from doing the run, as the fish and chips (at possibly low ambient temperature) presented a clear and present danger to the residents.

OK, here's why this is total bollocks:

1 Fish and chips can be eaten stone cold, with no ill effects.

2 The residents, if they thought they were too cold would doubtless not bother ordering/eating them again.

3 The residents are doubtless intelligent enough to determine what they wish to eat, and how they wish it to be provided.

4 The complex is not a prison camp.

5 It is not the wardens' business what private citizens choose to eat.

6 Banning the one highlight, for the entire community, of the week was by anyone's standards mean spirited and cruel. A thoroughly loathsome thing to do.

7 How many people in the UK die from cold fish and chips...errrmmm...no one!

8 The journey takes all of 5 minutes!

Needless to say once a bit of a media storm erupted over this, the dorks at the council backed down and claimed that the wardens were being "over zealous"...done with the "best intentions" (Pah! the road to hell is paved etc). I guarantee that had not a storm erupted the council would not have lifted a finger.

Meals on wheels type boxes are now being provided; all very fancy, but I guarantee that the fish and chips arrive no warmer than had they been wrapped in paper only!

The wardens and Norwich City Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Plod Goes To The Chippie

It does seem that Nanny's state police force is getting a little bit full of itself, as Andrew Carter discovered to his cost recently.

Mr Carter observed a police van reversing the wrong way up a one-way street in Bristol, in fact it almost knocked him over, and rather unwisely challenged it.

He was told by one of the cuntstables driving the van to:

"F*** off, this is police business."

What precisely was this urgent police business?

Errmm...they were on the way to the chip shop!

Mr Carter then photographed the police van outside the chip shop.

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right, PC Aqil Farooq told him he was under arrest for assault, resisting arrest and being drunk and disorderly.

Mr Carter was then handcuffed and bundled into the back of the van, locked in a police cell for five hours, forced to give a sample of his DNA and had his fingerprints taken. After his release he spent a week on bail, before he was he told he would not be charged.

PC Farooq and a woman officer claimed they needed to visit the takeaway shop to view CCTV footage.

Farooq was made to apologise in person to Mr Carter but he still has his job.

Avon and Somerset deputy chief constable Rob Beckley wrote to Mr Carter, apologising for the officer's 'totally unacceptable' behaviour.

Errmmm...is that it then?...a false arrest was made, ie the police lied, and all that happens is that an apology is made?

What kind of state are we living in?

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A Fishy Tale

Something fishy is going on in the ENGLISH Channel (I am a firm believer in annoying the Europhiles by emphasising the "English" part of the name), and it's all down to Nanny's love affair with the cod.

Nanny and her acolytes (celeb chefs and green campaigners) have been telling us for a very long time that the cod was in danger; as such, strict quotas have been introduced to prevent over fishing.

Fair enough.

The trouble is, when Nanny introduces a rule she doesn't apply it with any form of common sense.

As such, hundreds of kilos of dead cod (caught by fishermen seeking other fish) have to be thrown back into the ENGLISH Channel in order to keep within Nanny's rules.

The fish are caught by accident by fishermen seeking Dover sole and other fish etc etc, the cod die after catching their gills in the nets and are then thrown back into the water.

ENGLISH Channel fishermen are also well pissed off that their cod quota is less than one tenth of the French quota, which is more than 70% of the total. French fishermen can land 3,377 tons of cod a year while British fishermen are limited to 366 tons.

There you have it folks, Nanny sticks up for cod and the French but not for her own people.