In keeping with the season, you will undoubtedly not be surprised to hear that Nanny has banned mince pies.
Rather, Nanny's health and safety Gestapo have ordered that a risk assessment of mince pies be conducted before she allows a Christmas party to take place.
Nanny's jobsworth lackeys in Craven Council have decreed that the organisers of the Embsay Christmas party (a village in the Yorkshire Dales) must perform a risk assessment of their mince pies, or their party will be "nixed".
Nanny's council have also ordered that posters will have to be displayed at the party, warning villagers that the pies contain nuts and suet pastry.
I know that there is currently a world wide nut phobia, as "little Timmy" once got one stuck in his throat. However, since when was suet a health and safety issue?
As if that were not enough, it seems that there has to be a thermometer thrust (can I say thrust at this time of the day?) into the hot chocolate, in case it is too hot.
How did we manage before the invention of thermometers?
Come to think of it, what if the thermometer contains mercury?
Ooh, it doesn't bear thinking about!
Steve Dobson, who is organising the event, said that he learned of the regulations after writing to Craven District Council to ask if he could use a car park outside Embsay village hall to hold the free party for the community.
Now you see folks, that was his big mistake.
Never, ever, tell Nanny what you are about to do; because she will always come along and try to spoil the party or stop you.
Simple, the sort of people who involve themselves actively with Nanny (such as jobsworth council lackeys etc) could never make anything of their lives in the real world. The only way that they can justify to themselves their existence on this planet, and to give themselves some sense of self worth, is to impose their fears and petty rules on the rest of us.
As I have said before, there is no value or useful purpose to local councils; we would be far better off if they were restructured into oblivion.
Anyhoo, Mr Dobson had planned a fireworks display, mulled wine, Santa's grotto and free mince pies (which would have been made by Nanny's arch enemy the good ladies of the Embsay and Eastby Women's Institute).
You know the sort of thing, nothing unsafe about any of that.
Not until Nanny came along.
Mr Dobson said:
"The council gave me a huge list of things we had to do.
I wrote back, a little bit tongue in cheek,
asking if I really had to risk assess free mince pies
and a brass band, and they said yes.
Everything we do, from putting tinsel up
to providing refreshments has to be assessed.
We have to consider the dangers involved,
that someone might choke on their mince pie or have a nut allergy.
I also understand that Santa may need a Criminal Records Bureau check.
For a small Dales village we found it a bit of a joke really.
It's gone from us hoping to use a bit of council property for a community party,
to needing the same sort of planning
we would have to put in for the Great Yorkshire Show."
Mr Dobson rather wisely is now considering moving the party to private land, elsewhere in the village. The trouble is, he has put his head above the parapet. Nanny will try her best to muscle in on that as well, and I bet charge him for the privilege.
Craven Council's director of community services, Jonathan Kerr, said:
"We support these community events
and we try to help local communities organise them
and make sure they are as safe as possible."
The astute amongst you will observe that the above statement, in the context of the problem, is meaningless.
Nanny does not even bother to try to pretend to justify her actions any more.
Feel free to tell Craven Council what you think of them via these routes:
-General contact email@example.com
-Jonathan Kerr's PA firstname.lastname@example.org
-The thirty councillors of Craven are listed here, Craven Council, together with their email addresses:)