Hello folks, I have dragged myself away from the mince pies and assorted Christmas goodies to bring you this sorry tale of Nannyism that landed on my desk a wee while ago.
Nanny has stuck her interfering nose into the noble art of pie eating. The organisers of Wigan's prestigious pie eating contest have been seduced by Nanny's dark side, and changed the rules.
First prize has always gone to the contestant who could eat the most meat and potato pies in three minutes.
However, the title of World Pie Eating Champion will now be awarded to the person who can eat a single pie in the shortest time.
I spit upon such nonsense.
This debasement of the noble art of pie eating is in response to Nanny's incessant whining about the number of calories that we all consume.
As if this were not enough, to add insult to injury, vegetarians will be allowed to eat non meat pies.
What is the world coming to?
Dave Smyth, who won the first contest in 1992 when he ate four pies in three minutes, thinks that this is bollocks.
"This contest has always been about savouring as many pies as possible
over a three minute period,
not sprinting through a few mouthfuls of a single pie.
They've taken things too far this year.
Pies are supposed to be meat and potato
and anything else just isn't normal.
I intend to lobby the organising committee
and I'm not going to rest until I've got answers."
Each pie weighs 12oz and contains about 400 calories.
Organiser Tony Callaghan said:
"I realise it may be controversial,
but this is the way forward for pie-eating at this level.
It will make for an exciting sporting spectacle,
whilst also doffing its cap to Government guidelines on obesity.
We have also bowed to relentless pressure from the Vegetarian Society
and agreed to introduce a vegetarian option,
although vegetarian pie-eaters in the competition
will be allowed to eat a slightly smaller version
because of its rather more glutinous content."
FYI, Hitler was a vegetarian.
In honour of this noble art I am off to consume another mince pie!