Tis a frosty and bright Monday morning, as we skip "gleefully" to work with songs in our hearts let us take a moment to contemplate this week's prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.I am happy to bestow the award on the Portman Group (a "drinks watchdog"...whatever that means?).
Portman (or is it Porkman?) have decreed that Tokyo beer (launched in the summer of 2009 by BrewDog) is evil and must be banned.
For why?
Well my old muckers Tokyo beer is a strong beer, 18.2% in fact, the strongest on sale in the UK.
However, surely I hear you ejaculate (can I say "ejaculate"?) there are drinks that are stronger than that (eg vodka, meths, etc)?
Yes indeed there are!
However, Porkman are not just up in arms about the strength of the beer but the marketing message of the beer.
"Everything in moderation, including moderation itself.
What logically follows is that you must, from time, have excess.
This beer is for those times."
Now you an I can see that this is rather witty, and in keeping with the concept of drinking an 18% beer.
The trouble being that the UK has an infestation of busybodies who can't keep their noses out of other people's business. Certain sad lifeless drongoes have complained to Porkman about the wording in 2009.
Here is one of the complaints:
"I also feel 'intergalactic fantastic' points towards hallucinogenic qualities."
Pathetic isn't it?
The result?
Porkman have decreed (via a "retailer alert bulletin") that shops should remove the beer from their shelves, until Brewdog complies with Porkman's view of "decent" marketing standards; ie a quango with no legal remit to interfere is trying to impose its views on others.
Errmm...as far as I am aware Porkman probably have no right to ban the sale of the beer. Therefore their "retailer alert" is most likely a waste of paper.
Additionally, the majority of the beer is in fact destined for export (a mere 10% of Tokyo is sold in specialist shops in the UK).
Therefore this entire exercise is a waste of time. Doubtless though Porkman have had a nice "rush" from playing at wielding of power.
I would also note that BrewDog sell the world's strongest beer Tactical Nuclear Penguin, storming ion at 32% and retailing at £35 a bottle.
Bring it on:)
Porkman Group, well deserving Prats of The Week!
Write to them here info@portmangroup.org.uk
Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.
Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.
Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.
www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"
Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!
Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries
Tactical Nuclear Penguin?
ReplyDeleteThats the best name for a beer I have ever heard.
I have hed many dealings (not firsthand) with the Portman group when I worked for Thwaites brewery.
They really are just a bunch of no good interfering busybodies.
They do a proof of age card that is laughably easy to get hold of but supposedly accepted everywhere.
I think we should all get together and regulate something
Bucko said...
ReplyDelete"Tactical Nuclear Penguin? Thats the best name for a beer I have ever heard"
I wonder if BrewDog would consider launching a genuine Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster! :-o
"I think we should all get together and regulate something"
Yes.....all the other regulators. Preferably out of existence.
Yes Ken.....Far too many single issue groups that want to protect us from ourselves.....
ReplyDeleteListening to Gold radio yesterday, there were THREE messages from Nanny per ad break, mostly talking about stopping smoking, stopping drinking and on-line health checks for the over fifties....It was also reported yesterday, that Nanny's advertising budget last year hit £253m.....Why does Nanny need any advertising at all?
Enjoy drinking Brew Dog products responsibly
www.drinkaware.co.uk
(Sadly genuine!!!)
Search on-line for Dotty Gov Direct.
Yes.....all the other regulators. Preferably out of existence.
ReplyDeleteDisgusted - First rule of regulation. Dont regulate something out of existence. Your gravy train ends there.
It's so tempting to parody the name of a group dedicated to the control of drinking whose name includes the word "port". Are they against beer but promoting other options?
ReplyDeletePerhaps we should know them at the Whineman Group? Or even the Whinewoman Group? As a coded reference of course.
And then it struck me that they are actually just a marketing tool - if used sensibly. After all, both parties need the the publicity.
I have tried some of Brew Dog's lesser beers and they are rather good. That said £35 a bottle for the top of the range is pushing it a bit even for the uniqueness angle.
I note that Tokyo is not in stock on the web site. It may be one of the brews that is rarely brewed due to the rare availability of some of the components - at least rare at economic prices. I doubt many retailers have any on the shelf - not enough to lead to the final decline of the nation at least.
So we have a booze reduction advocacy (advocaaty?) group publicising a rarely brewed and rarely available beer (which in any case is too expensive for the typical beer drinking man in the street to consume regularly even if he could find any) knowing (presumably) that they are criticising a company with a socio-aggressive marketing style that hardly nods to the current climate of PC-ness, except to make fun of it.
I really hope that Brew Dog engineered this publicity one way or another. Your Award would still be justified but for different reasons .... actually if I take it a step further I could see a case for saying it is not justified at all. But that would require assumptions of perversity that I suspect would be wide of the mark.
It would be interesting to know whether 'Tokyo' was sold out before the Portman advice and, indeed, what effect the advice has on the Brew Dog on-line ordering system for all their products.
Perhaps Ginperson are doing a good job despite what we think and what they set out to achieve?
It also occurs to me that both Tokyo and TNP would, referencing a recent beer related post here, build some terrific bones.
ReplyDelete(Historical note: Back in my younger days 'bones' tended to have a UK English meaning applied to output of a gaseous nature. Barley wine, iirc, had a particular reputation in that regard. Silicone went unmentioned.)