No Sex Please We're Drunk

Nanny has got rather fed up with the amount of sex in society, in fact she is rather fed up with sex a whole.

Nanny is a Vulcan, who adheres rigidly to the Vulcan practice of "pang-phar"; whereby you only have sex once every seven years.

To this end she has decided that booze adverts that imply sex, or improved sexual prowess after downing 10 pints, should be banned.

A couple may sit together and share affectionate glances, but there must be no eroticism or sexual contact. The guidance effectively insists on a six-inch space between lovers, though glamorous individuals may still be featured.

Similarly, films promoting liquor must not be linked with acts of daring, toughness, rowdiness or rudeness.

The popping of champagne corks is still allowed, but scenes of party-goers soaked in champagne are not acceptable.

Nanny's new guidance says:

"Alcohol should not be used as an aid to seduction or to enhance a person's attractiveness".

She also says:

"Linking alcohol with mild flirtation or romance is similarly allowed, provided that it is limited to gentle dialogue, facial expressions or body language that do not imply sexual activity has taken..

, or about to take, place."

Clearly Nanny doesn't get out much, as far as I am aware 90% of sexual congress in the UK only occurs after the downing of a few pints and vodka shots.