Wankers Actively Looking To Be Offended!

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Nanny Bans Widows and Guinea Pigs

 

Nanny, in the form of Lloyds Bank, has decreed that the words "widows" and "guinea pigs" are offensive.

Apparently "guinea pigs" may upset vegans, and "widows" may upset errmm..widows!

As such, Nanny has banned staff from using those words. Now this may be all very well and "virtuous", however there are two points worth noting:

1 I cannot foresee the circumstances that a bank employee would often need to speak about guinea pigs.

2 Lloyds owns Scottish Widows, as such the staff working there will really need to be able to use the word "widows"!

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NHS Bans Capitals

In a display of utter idiocy, the NHS has decreed that capital words are offensive.

As per Guido Fawkes:

Commenters on the NHS website are now being chastised for over-using capital letters. Presumably they’re shortly to rebrand as ‘the nhs’…

One co-conspirator was recently blocked from reviewing a hospital as, according to the NHS moderators:

“it contains capitalised words. On the internet this can be regarded as “shouting” and many people are offended by it. Please resubmit your review, and avoid over-using capital letters.”

I wonder if the NHS realises that its name is in capitals, as such will it ban itself?

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Prats of The Week - The Middle Common Room Magdalen College Oxford

Dear oh dear, who would have thought that what was once one of the best universities in the world would end up as a breeding ground for utter prattery?

I refer of course to the decision by the students of the Middle Common Room of Magdalen College Oxford to remove the portrait of The Queen from their room, lest it offends someone.

The students there have every right to hang pictures of whatever they wish on their walls (eg Rhodes), and have every right to remove a picture of the Queen.

However, the reasons they chose to remove the picture (ie that it might "offend" someone because of issues to do with the days of empire) are feeble-minded to say the least.

1 The Queen came to the throne when Britain was already dismantling her empire.

2 The Queen is the head of state.

3 Monarchs have had connections to Oxford for centuries.

4 If you are offended by a picture of the head of state then seek therapy.

Simply put, if that is the best intellectual argument they can come up with then Oxford needs to radically overhaul its admissions policy; because it is clear that they are currently admitting feeble-minded idiots!

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Nanny Bans The Duke

 When the Duke of Edinburgh died, King's College London sent staff an email with a photo of the Duke (who had been governor of the university since 1955).

“As the nation marks the death of HRH Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, we thought you might like to see this photo of the duke at the official opening of the Maughan Library in 2002, which some colleagues will remember.”

Some staff complained (they didn't like the Duke), this then prompted the university Associate director Joleen Clarke to apologise thusly:

“The picture was included as a historical reference point following his death.

The inclusion of the picture was not intended to commemorate him.

Through feedback and subsequent conversations, we have come to realise the harm that this caused members of our community, because of his history of racist and sexist comments.

We are sorry to have caused this harm.”

Factoid, a photo of the Duke harmed no one! 

To kowtow to professional moaners over a photo of a dead man, is disgraceful and only emboldens cretins and axe grinders to look for more areas which "offend" them.

The Royal Mail will issue a Miniature Sheet of four stamps on Thursday 24th June marking the life of His Royal Highness Prince Philip who died two months short of his 100th birthday, on 9th April 2021.

I suggest people send letters to King's with the new stamps, just to make sure the cretins working there are as offended as possible!

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Define "Offensive"

Have you heard about the government's Online Safety Bill...?

The government plans to censor what it calls "offensive material", as if giving offence is a harm from which a fragile public needs protection by the state.

This is a huge assault on free speech 🤐

— The Free Speech Union (@SpeechUnion) April 15, 2021

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The Right To Teach Defended by Jenrick But Not Williamson (Yet)

🚨🚨 BREAKING: Robert Jenrick:

“It must be right that a teacher can appropriately show images of the prophet Mohammed.”

Via @BBCNews pic.twitter.com/OYumGb23zZ

— Politics For All (@PoliticsForAlI) March 26, 2021

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Georgian Architecture is Offensive!

Nanny is plumbing new depths in her stupidity.

Step forward Sadiq Khan’s Housing Design Advocate Dinah Bornat, who apparently spent her Sunday morning complaining that Georgian style architecture is starting to look “offensive” because it “harks back to oppression” and “colonialism“. 

Responding to a picture of a charming new Georgian style house Bornat slammed the style in a series of bizarre tweets. Guido has compiled a selection:

“The fortress style/display of wealth resonates through time. I wonder is it starting to resonate just a little too much for a lot of us? Imperialism starting to look, well, offensive? Just a thought.”

“I’m talking about offence caused by colonialism. Which arguably goes beyond offence.”

“I’m concerned that this replica approach learns nothing and stifles cultural debate. Going so far as to define it as ‘beauty’ is politically troubling. If beauty harks back to oppression we are on very dangerous ground.”

When asked “The oppression of the Romans? I can’t tell if you’re joking“, Bornat replied:

“I was actually talking about the Georgians and colonialism. But their style harks back to the Romans of course.”

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Merseyside Police Don't Know The Law

 

 

 

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Cauliflowers Are No Laughing Matter!

Kudos and sympathies to Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel, who has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award at the Edinburgh Festival with the niche culinary pun.

He took the title with the gag:

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

It is from Falafel's show It's One Giant Leek For Mankind at the Pear Tree (a pub I used to imbibe in regularly when I was a student there in the early 1980's).

Sympathies though to Mr Falafel, who fell foul of the charity Tourettes Action which said the joke was not funny and had received calls to its helpline with people complaining about the gag.

They want him to apologise.
 

Proof, if ever it were needed, that humour will always offend someone.

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People Are Offended By The Fact That Steaks Come From Cows

I’m not even a Veggie and I’m offended by this Tweet 🤦🏻‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/RrY7Dlgqcp

— That Cardiff Girl (@thatcardiffgirl) August 22, 2018

What is even more distressing, to me, is the fact that the restaurant apologised for the "offence" caused!

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The Joy of Pork Triggers Vegan Meltdown

As per Bristol Live:

Huge 'Become a Pork Lover' bus in Broadmead sparks angry exchanges with vegan activists.

Splendid!

Seemingly local vegan got upset when a bus promoting Spanish pork products.

The coach has the words 'become a pork lover' emblazoned on its side alongside a giant heart-shaped snout and pigs ears.

Shoppers are being invited on board to taste freebies, learn pork cooking techniques and receive nutrition advice.

Vegans, being part of the "offended at everything" brigade, were immediately triggered.

One of the protesters, named Jasmine, said:

"We are here because we are protesting this monstrosity. It's basically propaganda telling people that they can have pork imported from Spain for whatever reason that seems like a luxury, who knows."

The 'Pork Lovers Tour' roadshow which is touring the UK is being lead by Interporc, a non-profit organisation representing Spanish pork producers.

I do hope it comes to Brighton!

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Nanny Bans Big Cocks and Large Breasted Birds

 

My sympathies to Pete Lymer, who runs J W Ash & Son butchers in Ball Haye Street Leek, who has run afoul of Nanny.

It seems that his blackboard advertising ‘big breasted birds', ‘big cocks’ and 'horny sausages' has upset someone.

Police have told him to tone it down.

Pete is quoted by Stoke On Trent Live:

"We've put the signs out for years and it's always been a bit of a laugh.

Just after Christmas apparently somebody complained to the police, saying it was offensive.

Last month a lady from the police came in and asked if we could pull our sign in. And a bobby came in last Thursday. They're just doing their job so I'm not annoyed with the individuals."

Now what is interesting is that the police deny there was a complaint, but say they were warning Pete lest someone in the future takes offence.

A Staffordshire Police spokesman said:

"We’ve received no complaints about signage outside J W Ash and Son butchers in Leek.

However, the local Chief Inspector for the Moorlands did advise the owner to give careful consideration to what was written on the boards in case anyone took offence. No other action has been taken."

Therefore, if no one has complained, why are the police sticking their noses into this??

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Dick Wit

'Tis the season to be offended.

Now that Christmas is almost upon us, and our sideboards etc are groaning under the weight of nuts, booze, figs and other things let us not forget those who choose to be offended by panto.

Despite the fact that panto has always been a tad risque, what with double entendres and women dressing as men and men as women, some people still manage to be surprised at being offended by what they see.

Such is the case for a production of Dick Whittington starring John Barrowman and the Krankies at the Manchester Opera House. Seemingly the gestures, repeated references to "Dick" and other issues offended panto goer Natalie Wood. A full report can be found in the Manchester Evening News.

Suffice to say calls to ban the panto will be ignored.

Those of you who are easily offended should probably not go to the panto, lest you take offence at Dick's wit.

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Snowflakes Don't Get Irony

As per The Telegraph:

"Being called a "snowflake" is damaging to mental health, young people say.  Figures show that the majority of young people think the term is unfair - and even more think it could have a negative effect of its own. 

The "snowflake generation" is a disparaging term now commonly used to refer to young people, who are perceived to be over-sensitive and intolerant of disagreement."

There's irony for you!

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Merry Greggsmas - Jesus Becomes Sausage Roll

Oh dear, Greggs the bakers has managed to offend a few people with its Christmas Advent Calendar.

The baby Jesus in the crib has been replaced with a pork sausage roll, thus managing to offend Christians and Jews (Jesus was Jewish).

However, Metro noted that there were a flurry of pastry related puns, such as ‘Jesus Crust, our savoury’ and ‘Away in Pret A Manger’.

Hey ho, and we aren't even in December yet!

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The Bare Faced Cheek of Gnomes

My sympathies to Lauren Perry, a keen gardener living in Wistatston, who has been ordered by Cheshire East council to remove two garden gnomes from outside his house.

For why?

They are baring their backsides to passersby and risk distracting motorists. 

Mr Perry got a stern letter from officials claiming the gnomes could cause a "distraction" to motorists as they light up at night, and warning they would cause an accident.

They told Mr Perry to clear the offending items within seven days or workman would be called out to remove them - and bill him for the cost.

The letter, from Cheshire East Council senior highways officer Andrea Bickerton, is quoted by the Telegraph:

"It has been brought to our attention that several ornamental displays and items have been placed on the highway verge in Wistaston.

I am sure that your intentions are meant to be humorous and light-hearted. Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same sentiment.

You are required to therefore remove them at your earliest opportunity. If you fail to remove them, the Council will remove them and recover from you the expense of doing so."

The question is, who the hell reported the gnomes to Nanny?

Mr Perry said:

"I feel very disappointed. My daughter bought them for Father's Day as a bit of fun as she knows I like a laugh. These things are in discount stores in their hundreds on shelves.

How can they be classed as offensive? I put them up two weeks ago - no one ever approached me to complain or ask for them to be removed. The next thing I know, this heavy-handed letter arrives.

I've worked with others for four years to turn a piece of land which had been left overgrown, covered in broken bottles and bricks, into a more attractive area. It's all been self-funded as we were turned down for funding by the parish council.

We even bought the sign that says 'Wonderful Wistaston' - now I feel like replacing it with one that says 'Miserable Wistaston'.

All we've tried to do over the past four years is improve the area where we live - and it's all been self-funded. I could get many more volunteers if I wanted, the support on the whole in the village has been tremendous.

But not from the parish council. There are certain people who have lived in communities for many years who don't like newcomers, regardless of their experience.

We placed a nice colourful bench on the land, and it was ripped up a few weeks later for no reason! 

We've put it back since, and concreted it in."

A Cheshire East Council spokesman said:

"While we do not wish to spoil people's fun, there is a safety issue here as such objects could easily cause a distraction to motorists and other road users, leading to an accident.

We received a complaint about these ornaments which, while seemingly harmless, are designed to attract attention and light up at night.

Therefore, we have to take steps to have them removed in the interests of road safety and the safety of pedestrians."

A very sad individual with too much time on his/her hands must have reported it. Such individuals are Nanny's eyes and ears!

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Losing Our Minds - Heseltine Nails It!

Those who look for offence in the words and deeds of others have had a wee field day courtesy of Lord Heseltine, and his comment about Theresa May having a "man-sized" job.

He quite rightly calls these people out for what they are (mad), as per the Telegraph:

"I think, if I may say so, I think we are losing our minds if we really think that in the most serious issue facing this country, a slip of an 83-year-old about using a phrase which everybody would have been using a few years ago is simply of anybody's interest."

If only these people had something useful to do with their lives, instead of looking for offence!

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How To Be Offended By Everything

Make everything about yourself, even when it has nothing to do with you!

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Boris Nailed It!

People "offended" by The Foreign Secretary's comments today are humourless, deliberately obtuse, snowflakes-it's a witty metaphor #getalife

— Michael Gove (@michaelgove) January 18, 2017

There is an irony that Gove comes to Boris's defence.

However, Gove is right:

Get a Life!

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