Duck Off!

Oh dear Nanny has got her knickers in a right old twist over the very harmless habit of feeding the ducks.

Now we all know that to eat, or roll around in duck shit is probably a bad idea. It is fair to say that even the most mentally challenged of us could have worked that out for themselves.

Unfortunately, for the ducks, Nanny doesn't think we are that bright. As such Oakley and Deane Parish Council have banned the feeding of ducks in the local pond.

Oakley and Deane Parish Council chairman Councillor John Strawbridge said:

"The pond has always been popular with locals

and an attractive feature of Oakley.

We don't want to be killjoys and we'd like

to encourage people to carry on enjoying it,

but feeding the ducks puts a strain on its entire eco-system".

He then went on to fret about the bread being bad for the ducks.

Oakley and Deane Parish Council admit that they have little proof to back up their ban. Indeed, common sense would dictate that if ducks didn't like the bread, then they wouldn't eat it.

Hilary Box, 75, who had a contract for 22 years to feed the ducks, thinks the whole idea is bollocks.

Quote:

"The sign says that feeding bread to ducks

can be bad for them but I think we have the

healthiest ducks in the world.

The bread does not appear to have done

them any harm and they haven't suffered over the years.

Feeding ducks is part of the English way of life,

it's part of the heritage to come to the local

pond with some bread. "

For fark's sake, it's a 400 year old village pond with a few ducks!

Doubtless it has been there longer, without causing any harm, than those on the Parish Council.

Another fine example of a useless interfering council, that adds zero value to people's lives.

Someone should ban the feeding of local councillors!

Back To Blighty

Hi Folks

I am in the BA departure lounge at Beijing airport...back in Blighty in 12 hours or so.

Had an excellent duck last night.

Best wishes to all

Ken

Nanny Bans Socks

I do sometimes wonder what planet Nanny comes from, I certainly don't think that it is earth!

Given the major issues that currently face our overstretched health service, eg lack of doctors and nurses, the super bug, unsanitary conditions, appalling care for the elderly, costs spiraling out of control etc, you would have thought that Nanny would focus her attention on these matters.

How wrong you are!

Instead Nanny is addressing a matter of serious concern to her, that of what socks people wear.

Yes, I said socks!

Nanny's chums on East Lancashire Hospital Trust have issued a uniform policy, which prohibits the wearing of novelty socks by doctors, nurses and other health staff.

Those front line staff who break the ruling and wear, for example, socks with Donald Duck, Wallace and Gromit and Homer Simpson will face disciplinary action.

The logic of this rather strange ruling is that, in Nanny's mind at least, staff wearing comical socks could put people off going to local hospitals for surgery.

Errmm??

I don't think so, do you?

The uniform policy also covers matters such as tight clothing, see-through clothing, extreme hairstyles, large bows and hair bands and excessive tattoos.

Fair enough to worry about tight uniforms and the like. However, how many patients look up the trouser legs of their medical professional and pass judgement on their skills based on the colour of their socks?

Needless to say, people with their feet firmly planted in reality are calling this policy bollocks.

Hyndburn MP Greg Pope said:

"I am hoping to get some for Christmas and I will wear them when I meet the Trust!

I wouldn't have any problem wearing them in Parliament either.

I know some MPs do."

Sharron Parker, Lancashire spokeswoman for the Royal College of Nursing, said:

"We must not forget that staff also have a human side

and often like to express their individuality

in a way that does not detract from the professionalism."

Ribble Valley MP, Nigel Evans, said the move was "absolutely stupid."

"It is completely superfluous.

It sounds as if somebody has too much time on their hands.

It is such a non-issue for somebody to dream up.

Where does it stop?"

One long-standing member of staff said:

"It's just daft.

The managers treat us like children

and then they wonder why people say they are fed up.

They should be spending more time on trying to get red of the Trust's debt.

They say they want to involve staff

but they never sit down with you and talk about anything,

they just tell you what to do."

How very typical of Nanny, to not listen and just tell people what to do!

Now here is the really funny thing, the clothing policy does not address the issue of veils for Muslim women.

Seemingly, staff who want to wear the veil would have their case looked at "on its individual merits".

Double standards or what?

Nanny Bans Cornish Pasties

Dear oh dear, things must be getting pretty desperate in the nursery.

Even by Nanny's standards, she has scraped the proverbial barrel with this incursion into a harmless activity.

This time Nanny vented her spleen on poor old Dave Polley, who was driving his car and innocently munching on a Cornish pasty.

When he had munched all of the filling, he found that he was left with some of the crust.

Now I know that we should eat our crusts up as well; but Dave did what many of us are inclined to do, he lobbed the crust out of the window for the birds to eat.

Unfortunately for him, in the car behind him was an officious git from Penwith District Council who is one of their anti litter officers.

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right.

Instead of seeing reason, and using common sense, the "officious git" gave Mr Polley a ticket and fined him.

Rumour has it that Penwith District Council are now patrolling parks, looking to arrest people for feeding the ducks.

Common sense has long since flown out of the window.

Those of you who want to make one, and send it as a gift to Penwith District Council or simply eat it yourselves can try this recipe.

Cornish Pasties Recipe

Cornish Pasties originated in Cornwall as a handy way for miners to take their lunch to work.

Shortcrust pastry encases a mixture of finely chopped meat and vegetables.

Ingredients

10 oz flour
A pinch of salt
4 oz of cold butter
1 to 3 tablespoons of water

8 oz of cubed beef
2 potatoes
1 swede/turnip
1 medium onion
salt & pepper
2 tablespoons of fresh parsley
¼ teaspoon of mustard
2 teaspoons of tomato sauce / ketchup (optional)
1 egg

Short Pastry

In a large bowl or food processor sift the flour and salt, cut the cold butter into small cubes and add to the flour.

Rub the butter into the flour with your hands or using the food processor, until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Make a well in the centre and add sufficient water to mix to a firm dough.

Handle as little as possible as this prevents the pastry from becoming hard when it is baked.

Roll into a ball, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Filling

Preheat oven to 200 degrees C.

Put the cubed meat into a large bowl.

Chop the onion finely, and add to the meat.

Peel the potatoes and swedturnipip, cut into very small cubes.

Mix thoroughly with the meat, add the seasonings (a little water may be added to moisten) and cover.

On a lightly floured bench or board roll the pastry out to around 1/8 inch thick.

Cut 6 rounds, using a 6 1/2 inch diameter plate as a guide.

Arrange the filling evenly in the centre of each round.

Lightly beat the egg and glaze the edge of each round with a pastry brush.

Lift the two opposite edges of the pastry and pull together over the filling.

Pinch at regular intervals along the edge to form a frill.

Brush each pasty with egg and place on a baking tray.

Bake for 3/4 to 1 hour.

Eat hot or cold.

The Perils of Petunias

Nanny, I think, must be suffering from hay fever; that at least can be the only rational explanation for her bizarre banning of petunias and hanging flower baskets.

It seems that for the last seven years Ian Collins, landlord of the Ring of Bells pub in Norton Fitzwarren, has adorned the front of his pub with a stunning display of hanging baskets and window boxes.

Ian has won numerous prizes, including Prettiest Village Pub on four occasions, and he has visitors from around the world to see his floral displays.

However, all this means now't to Nanny's chums in the local council.

The health and safety officials of the council have decided that the hanging and wall-mounted baskets and pots, are a clear and present danger to people. Seemingly some of the petunias and begonias have spilled onto the pavement, and walkers have had to step into the road to avoid them.

Ooh...how dangerous!

Mr Collins has been told to take down his petunias.

Er 34 people die each day in Iraq because of Nanny's efforts to make the world safer, why on earth is she bothering herself with this nonsense?

Nanny also claims that Mr Collins's baskets are hanging below the 8.2ft minimum height, laid down by health and safety regulations, and people could bang their heads on them.

Er could people not just duck their heads?

On that subject my own delightfully useless council, Croydon Council, may like to take a stroll down Dingwall Road (which resembles a post nuclear attack); and try to walk fully erect (can I say erect?) under the trees that "adorn" the wasteland by the side of the railway car park.

You can't be erect, you have to bend your head.

Time they were cut boys!

Anyhoo, I digress, Mr Collins said:

"I have done this for seven years and we have won the Prettiest Village Pub in the Taunton Deane area four times.

I have never heard any complaints and in fact it has been just the opposite.

People compliment me on the display as it brightens up the village. We have had people from Jamaica and America who take pictures to send home.

I spend about £500 a year on flowers but I enjoy doing it because it allows me to put something back into the community."

The problem for Mr Collins, and the rest of us, is that Nanny hates the idea of people doing things on their own initiative.

You see that would mean that we were thinking for ourselves...that is not allowed these days.