Nanny Bans Nelson

Nanny is up to her old tricks again.

This time one of our greatest Naval heroes, Admiral Lord Nelson, has caught her gimlet eye.

Admiral Nelson, as you will recall gave the French a right old drubbing at the Battle of Trafalgar 200 years ago this October.

To mark the 200th anniversary there will be a re-enactment next month at Southsea.

However, Nanny's chums from the political correctness brigade have put their oars into the event (a nice little naval pun, don't you think folks?).

Nanny has decided that she does not want to offend the French, and so the re-enactment will be between a red fleet and blue fleet; not the French and British.

So much for Nanny's ambition to educate people with facts.

Nanny has also meddled with the official literature. It describes the re-enactment not as the battle of Trafalgar but simply as "an early 19th-century sea battle".

What utter codswhallop!

In the 1805 sea battle off the coast of Spain, Nelson's 27 ships destroyed a combined French and Spanish fleet of 33 ships. The British lost no ships but sank or captured 22 of their opponents' vessels.

Although Nelson died in the battle, his victory paved the way for Britain's naval supremacy, which lasted a century.

Nanny is a fool.

The French are, as we can see from Sunday's EU vote, perfectly capable embarrassing themselves; we don't have any desire, or need, to do that.

Nanny Bans Knives

It's a funny thing when I first started Nanny Knows Best, back in September 2004, I wondered if there would be enough material to keep it going.

How wrong I was!

I find on some days that a small backlog of Nanny Nonsense actually piles up.

This particular story has been well aired by many on the net, therefore it is hardly "breaking news". However, Nanny Knows Best aims to be a suppository (yes I did watch a lot of Carry On films when I grew up!) of all the Nanny Nonsense that she tries to inflict upon us. Therefore I include it for completeness.

It seems that Nanny's chums in the medical profession, forever telling us to stop smoking eating and drinking have got a new bee in their bonnet.

Kitchen knives!

It appears that kitchen knives are, well how shall I put this?

Too sharp!

Hmm, tricky one that; I am a reasonably good cook (see "Accountants Can Cook") and can tell you that a blunt knife is far more dangerous than a sharp one.

Anhyoo, Nanny does not like reality to get in the way of her edicts.

A&E doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives, to reduce deaths from stabbing.

A team from West Middlesex University Hospital has said that violent crime is on the increase, and that kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

The assaults are more often than not committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs. The kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon.

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all.

Hello, how else do you expect me to dismember my dead animal carcasses for cooking or the corpses of my neighbours who I have senselessly killed in a drug fulled frenzy last night?

They say that they have consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, well they didn't bloody ask me!

The "top 10 chefs" (yes I am peeved!), have said that such knives have little practical value in the kitchen.

Piffle!

I have a use for all of my knives.

The chefs felt such knives were not essential, since the point of a short blade was just as useful when a sharp end was needed.

The researchers said a short pointed knife may cause a substantial superficial wound if used in an assault, but is unlikely to penetrate to inner organs.

That's alright then, isn't it?

I would remind you all of a little piece of history, concerning the advantages of the short stabbing spear and the long throwing spear.

For centuries the tribesmen of Africa used throwing spears in battle. They went along, chucked their spears then went home.

Now the Zulus came up with a cunning plan.

They invented the short stabbing spear.

This enabled them to stab someone, then re use it again and again.

The result?

The Zulu nation was born.

Think about it!

Nanny Bans Scooby Doo

Dear oh dear, Nanny has banned another harmless children's activity.

This time it is the "scoubidou" craze.

School pupils at Cliff Lane Primary school in Ipswich have been banned from weaving plastic into key fobs at playtime, because it is too dangerous!

Seemingly some of the kids have been flicking their chums in the face.

That's easily remedied, simply confiscate the scoubidous from the flickers, and let the others continue to play with them.

As the school says, it was an isolated incident.

As usual Nanny over reacts.

Nanny Bans Words - Epilogue

My two previous articles covered Nanny's pathetic attempts to change the English language, in order to control our thoughts.

Orwell, in his classic "1984", warned us of a time when a totalitarian regime would seek to control people's thoughts by expunging the language of "unnecessary" words.

After all, if you don't have words you don't have the ability to think do you?

Aldous Huxley, in his book "Brave New World", also warned of a society where the state controlled people's lives. This time not so much by "wordspeak", but by social and genetic engineering; whereby society was engineered into various groups: alpha, beta, delta and gamma.

Needless to say the alphas were on top, whilst the gammas were given the short end of the stick. They were limited in their intelligence, and their education was kept to a minimum.

The state used a mixture of drugs and mind numbing programming to ensure that the various groups were kept pacified.

Doesn't this sound a little familiar?

What?

I hear you say.

Ken you exaggerate, surely?

Maybe not.

I watched Newsnight (ooh a link, that's rare!) on Thursday evening, and saw a report about the Britannia Village Primary School in East London.

Only Nanny would use the obviously daft word of "village", to describe a school in the East End of London.

The new Headmistress of this school, is fed up with the lousy literacy levels of her pupils, and has decided to abandon Nanny's prescription of the National Literacy Strategy and opt for phonics teaching.

I wish her well, she has an uphill task.

You see Ladies and Gentlemen (oops I used a proscribed word again!), the children featured in the report (see it via this link Britannia) could not even read words such as:

-Cat
-That
-With

They could not even pronounce the letter "D".

Read the above again, and weep, then read it again just to make sure your really have taken it in.

By the way, in case you think that maybe the children were too young to be able to tackle such difficult words as cat, you need to know that they were between 7-9 years old.

I had read Jane Eyre twice by the time I was 8.

Something has gone very wrong with our education system, to allow this state of affairs to exist.

Nanny claims to care, but does she really?

You see, if the children cannot read basic words, how can they possibly think for themselves.

They will grow into adults with no skills, abilities or ambitions. They will become totally reliant on Nanny to feed and house them.

Nanny will keep them pacified by ensuring that they can continue to watch mindless cack, such as Big Brother and East Enders.

In short we are already living in a hybrid of "1984" and "Brave New World".

Meanhwile Nanny continues to concentrate on the important issues, such as banning the use of the word "ladies".

Nanny Bans More Words

Nanny's chums in that old dinosaur of a forgotten and useless organisation the TUC have suddenly woken up.

They have realised that they are totally ignored these days, and decided to put matters right.

How have they done this?

Easy.

They have issued an Orwellian directive proscribing certain words.

Guaranteed to give them some free publicity.

Obviously our "brothers" in the TUC have not read 1984, in which Orwell pointed out the dangers of "wordspeak" interference.

Anyhoo, the TUC has set out its "concerns" about the English language in a document called Diversity in Action; this advises trade unionists on the "appropriate use of language" on race, sex and age.

Seemingly words such as "lady", "granddad" and "youth" are now verbotten. These will cause offence in some circumstances, it says.

On age, it says:

"Being old in British society carries connotations of being worn out and of little further use."

Just like the TUC!

The guide says "granddad" and "grandma" may offend some people, as well as "old fool" and "old codger".

It goes on: "Equally, 'youth' has connotations of inexperience, impetuosity, and unreliability or even dishonesty." "Young people" is preferable.

I prefer yob, myself.

In the section on sex and language, the guide says:

"The term 'lady' is not universally accepted and should not generally be used. The terms 'love', 'dear' and 'pet' may offend some people, especially women, and should not be used."

It is acceptable to use "black" to describe colour, as in blackboard, black coffee and black bin bag. But the guide says terms such as black sheep, blacklist, black mark and black looks, although not linked to skin colour, reinforce a negative view of all things black.

There you are ladies and gentlemen (oops sorry I used a proscribed word there), another fine example of money and time being wasted on trivia.

The TUC don't care though, because they are spending the subs of their members.

Nanny Bans Bristols

Nanny has had another attack of Orwellian correctness.

Her friends in Wyre Forest Council are concerned that the English language contains words that do not really please them.

As such, much like a jumped up third world failing dictator, they have decided to ban these "offensive" words.

What are the words that the good people of Wyre Forest are no longer allowed to speak?

-Ship shape

-Bristol fashion

-Nitty gritty

It seems that, according to the Orwellian thought police, these may refer to the slave trade. Needless to say, they have got it wrong, see below.

To be fair to the morons at Wyre Forest Council, this is not entirely of their own doing.

You see they hired consultants, yes that's right they spent your money on consultants, to tell them what words are no longer de rigueur.

By the way, if you want to hire these Orwellian thought police you can contact them at Aldridge Training Solutions. I have tried to find a website for this oragnisation, but cannot. I would be grateful if someone can provide contact details for publication on this site.

Money well spent I think, don't you?

Needless to say the good people of Bristol are well pissed off at the slur on their good name.

The city's Lord Mayor, Peter Abraham, said he had always understood the term referred to the standard of sailors and ships in the city and pre-dated links with slavery.

Mr Abraham said:

"I have used the phrase for 60 years and my family has there is no way it can be regarded as politically incorrect."

Bristol historian Gerry Brooke said:

"These councillors have certainly got the wrong end of the stick. Bristol was a very difficult port to work in before its floating harbour was built".

Adding:

"The term comes because vessels built and loaded in the city were always first class."

Disregarding the facts, the 15 council members who attended the council's equality and diversity meeting were instructed to stand by the ruling.

Nice to see they are keeping an open mind!

Wyre Forest councillor Ken Stokes, when interviewed by the press, said the terms were now taboo has even apologised for repeating the phrase "nitty gritty" over the phone.

What a prat!

There is still some common sense in the council. Councillor June Salter said:

"The political correctness is getting pathetic. I am not racist and I don't need to be told how not to be a racist, which is why I didn't attend."

I for one am getting mighty fed up with the morons running this country.

It is time to let them know what we think of them.

As such I suggest that we have an informal competition, compose an email that contains all of the above banned phrases; and send it to the good people at Wyre Forest Council.

Here is their email address communications@wyreforestdc.gov.uk

Please copy your email into the comments box, and the best/most original may (if I am in a very good mood) win a T shirt. You must confirm that you have sent it to the council.

The competition will be open for as long as I can be bothered, and any decision as to who wins will be entirely dependent on my mood at the time.

Good luck!