In a move that proves the government has officially run out of real problems to solve, bureaucrats have decided that your kids can’t be trusted to brush their own teeth. Yes, you read that right: supervised teeth brushing is now a thing, courtesy of the overpaid busybodies who think they know better than you how to raise your own children. Welcome to the nanny state’s latest obsession—dental micromanagement.
Picture this: a gaggle of government-approved toothbrush monitors, armed with clipboards and sanctimonious grins, hovering over five-year-olds like drill sergeants at boot camp. “Up, down, circles—don’t miss the molars, Timmy!” Meanwhile, parents—those incompetent fools who’ve somehow kept their kids alive this long—are relegated to the sidelines, deemed unfit to oversee something as complex as a two-minute scrub with a plastic stick and some paste. It’s not just insulting; it’s a parody of governance.
The justification? “Public health.” Apparently, cavities are the new plague, and the state must swoop in to save the day because, clearly, no one thought to teach kids dental hygiene before 2025. Forget the fact that tooth decay rates have been dropping for decades thanks to fluoride, better diets, and—shockingly—parents doing their jobs. No, the government insists we need a taxpayer-funded army of molar minders to ensure little Johnny doesn’t sneak a half-assed brush past the system. What’s next? Supervised handwashing? Mandatory flossing quotas?
This isn’t about health—it’s about control. The same clowns who can’t fix potholes or keep bridges from collapsing now want to stick their noses (and probably their unwashed hands) into your bathroom routine. They’re not content with regulating your guns, your gas stoves, or your light bulbs—now they’re after your kid’s toothbrush. It’s the ultimate power grab: if they can dictate something as mundane as brushing, what’s off-limits?
And let’s talk cost. Every one of these dental despots needs a salary, benefits, and probably a shiny badge that says “Tooth Fairy Enforcement Division.” Add in the training programs—because you can’t just trust any schmuck to wield a timer and a stern look—and the inevitable “oversight committees” to oversee the overseers. Who pays for this? You do, sucker. That’s right, your tax dollars, already stretched thin by inflation and endless government bloat, are now funding a toothbrush gestapo while schools still can’t afford books.
The real kicker? Kids aren’t even that bad at brushing. Sure, some smear toothpaste around like it’s finger paint, but most figure it out with a little parental nudge. Studies—like the ones the government conveniently ignores—show that basic education and access to dental care do the trick. But why solve a problem efficiently when you can turn it into a bloated bureaucracy instead? This isn’t prevention; it’s performance art for politicians who want to look like they’re “doing something.”
Then there’s the creep factor. Do you really want some stranger leaning over your kid, peering into their mouth, barking orders? In an age where parents are already paranoid about who’s around their children, the state thinks it’s a grand idea to insert itself into one of the most personal daily routines. Call it what it is: invasive. Next, they’ll be installing cameras in your kitchen to make sure you’re cutting the crusts off sandwiches correctly.
The irony is, this is the same government that lectures us about “empowerment” and “independence.” Yet here they are, treating kids like incapable drones and parents like negligent morons. If you want to teach responsibility, let kids brush their damn teeth and deal with the consequences—a dentist visit or two never killed anyone. But no, the nanny state prefers coddling over competence, control over common sense.
So, parents, brace yourselves. Hide your toothbrushes, lock your bathrooms, and tell your kids to smile pretty—Big Brother’s coming for their pearly whites. And when the inevitable rebellion hits—because nothing says “teen angst” like a government-mandated hygiene routine—don’t say we didn’t warn you. In the meantime, maybe we should all just gargle some whiskey and call it a day. At least that’s still legal.
For now!
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