Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Sleepwalking To Dictatorship

I am pleased to see that I am not the only person in this country who worries that we are sleepwalking to dictatorship.

Deputy chief constable of Hampshire, Ian Readhead, recently told the BBC's "Politics Show" that Britain could become a surveillance society with cameras on every street corner.

Mr Redhead said that CCTV was being used in small towns and villages where crime rates were low.

He also expressed concerns about the retention of some DNA evidence and the use of speed cameras.


"I'm really concerned about what happens

to the product of these cameras,

and what comes next?

If it's in our villages,

are we really moving towards an Orwellian

situation where cameras are at every street corner?

And I really don't think that's

the kind of country that I want to live in

He has hit the nail on the head. Nanny often says that if you are doing nothing wrong, then you have nothing to fear. However, she fails to address the issue as to what happens with the surveillance footage of innocent law abiding people?

The more you are watched, the more you will modify your actions. You only have to see the effect of that pile of shite "Big Brother", on the retards that enter the Big Brother house, to know that people change their behaviour when being watched.

CCTV intrudes into our lives and affects us negatively.

There are up to 4.2 million CCTV cameras in Britain - about one for every 14 people.

The UK also has the world's biggest DNA database, with 3.6 million DNA samples on file.

Scary isn't it?

Why do we need to be so closely monitored?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Nanny Doesn't Ban Cheese

Nanny Doesn't Ban CheeseFurther to my earlier article about Nanny banning cheese adverts, I am pleased to say that it would seem that she has been overruled on another cheese related matter.

Namely, the cheese rolling contest of Cooper's Hill in Brockworth.

The cheese rolling contest takes place annually, and involves rolling an 8lb Double Gloucester (shaped like a wheel) down Cooper's Hill. The competitors chase the cheese.

This Monday Bank Holiday, around 3,000 spectators gathered in the rain to cheer the cheese chasers, who stumble and tumble 200m down Cooper's Hill (which has a 1 in 3 gradient).

Jason Crowther from Pembrokeshire, won the first of the five races and is now the proud owner of a large cheese.


"There's no training you can do for this.

You have just got to go for it.

It was a bit slippery and I heard something crack,

which I think was my knee.

But there aren't any tactics involved

as you can probably see

The winners keep the cheese, runners-up get £10 and £5 for finishing third.

Twenty people were treated for minor injuries, paramedics said, down from 34 last year.

The event is thought to have its roots in a heathen festival to celebrate the return of spring.

Congratulations to the good people of Cooper's Hill, for ignoring Nanny and her minions. As Richard Jeffries, the event organiser, said:

"There are various people who would like to

see it stopped but it's a British tradition

Long may they continue to stick two fingers up to Nanny!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Nanny Bans Hobbies

Nanny's Child CatcherNanny claims that she only has our best interests at heart, and that the rules that she imposes on us are for our own protection.

To some extent, as adults, we only have ourselves to blame for Nanny's interference in our lives. We can, after all, vote her out of orifice or stick two fingers up at her "advice" (eg "don't drink when pregnant") and get on with our lives.

However, it becomes more difficult to do that when you are a child trapped by Nanny's bony fingered clutch.

Nanny is paranoid about paedophiles, to such an extent that she and her chums in the media have caused something akin to hysteria in the rest of the population. The hysteria becomes a vicious circle; as Nanny is pushed by the media to impose even more bureaucratic rules and checks on people, who may come into contact with children.

As such, according to the Manifesto group, it is now the case that several hobby clubs have closed their doors to under-18s; and teenagers have been turned away from clubs, if their parents do not accompany them.

In short, adults have become afraid of helping and mixing with young people, with some coaches refusing to coach children.

John Bridgett, Retford Model Flying Club, is quoted as saying:

"I think the sport will die -

so many people now say that they don't

want to get anywhere near youngsters

Nanny has succeeded in widening the gulf between children and adults, and has made adults and children afraid of mixing with each other.

Without adult role models in the community, how are children expected to grow up into well rounded mature adults?

By wrapping children in cotton wool, Nanny is stunting their natural social and mental development; making it impossible for them to interact in a meaningful, and satisfying, level in the adult world.

Isn't that child abuse?

Monday, May 28, 2007

Nanny Bans Cheese

Nanny Bans CheeseIt is reassuring to know that given all the possible threats to children's well being (eg drugs, alcohol abuse, lousy education, Big Brother, celebrity morons etc) Nanny has highlighted the gravest threat yet.


Yes, that's right, cheese!

Nanny's poodles in Ofcom, the broadcast regulator, have recently adopted a nutrient profiling model to ban "junk food" promotions to children.

So far so stupid, now here's where it becomes particularly stupid.

Under the formula, devised by Nanny's Food Standards Agency, cheese is deemed to be a food high in fat and salt and therefore cannot be advertised during teatime programmes or on Saturday morning TV.

Cheese promotions are also banned during programmes such as Hollyoaks and Friends, popular viewing among early teenagers.

Not surprisingly cheesemakers are a bit pissed off at the "demonisation" of their product.

One industry insider said:

"Without a central coordinated approach to food education,

the Government – and the current architecture of government

– allows for renegade agencies to dictate policy

without portfolio and send out messages that

are ill-conceived and potentially devastating

In other words, Nanny allows knobheads to dictate policy.

I assume butter, milk and eggs are now also banned from being advertised during children's' TV?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Cheney Organising Coup

Cheney Organising CoupSorry folks, totally off topic and not at all satirical today.

However, I read this piece (see below) - yes..I am even going to link directly on this - with horror.

It would seem, that in all but name, Cheney is attempting to organise a coup against Bush and start his own private little war.

Maybe Bliar, in his last few weeks in orifice could "tip W the wink" on this?


"Cheney believes that Bush can not be counted on to make the "right decision" when it comes to dealing with Iran and thus Cheney believes that he must tie the President's hands.

On Tuesday evening, I spoke with a former top national intelligence official in this Bush administration who told me that what I was investigating and planned to report on regarding Cheney and the commentary of his aide was 'potentially criminal insubordination' against the President."


Thursday, May 24, 2007


EducashunIn Nanny's world, we are all equal; apart from those who are not.

She is now seeking to ensure that those whom she regards as being "different" are treated differently. Rather odd that, given her anti discrimination "beliefs", wouldn't you say?

Nanny's Qualifications and Curriculum Authority (QCA) recently confirmed that it is discussing a new exam, that will take account of the different fluency levels among ethnic minorities.

In some parts of Britain, as many as 75% of pupils have a mother tongue that is not English. Therefore Nanny seeks to "redress" the "imbalance" in the system that would clearly "favour" native English speakers, by having an exam for non native speakers.

That, to my humble view, is discrimination is it not?

How does that help them integrate?

All Nanny will end up doing is to create a second class examination system, that marks down those that take it as being second class.

An impressive career begins with strong training. If you've ever wanted to work
for a surety company start your training search here. And imagine what the future can hold.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Nanny Exposed

Nanny ExposedIt is somewhat ironic that Nanny, who has imposed upon us the highest number of CCTV cameras per head of the population in the world, is a wee bit miffed when the cameras are turned on the consequences of her work.

However, maybe that is not so surprising, as Nanny is a tad hypocritical.

Anyhoo, Angela Mason, a former supply teacher from Swiss Cottage found this out to her cost; when she went undercover to expose unruly behaviour in schools in North London, for the Channel 5 documentary Classroom Chaos.

Mrs Mason ended up at a hearing in Birmingham recently, accused of unacceptable professional conduct by the General Teaching Council - the professional body which regulates teachers.

Ms Mason said:

"Teaching is not my profession -

I left it 30 years ago but I still feel

strongly about it. I believe there is a major

public policy issue to do with pupils in

classrooms and poor behaviour.

I'm standing up for the supply teachers and

other teachers who have to endure this every day

The dispute has its roots way back in 2004, when Mrs Mason took the footage using a hidden camera.

When the programme was aired in 2005, many viewers including teachers and politicians were outraged at the levels of indiscipline in the country's schools.

Needless to say, that most forward "thinking" and "selfless" body of teachers- The National Union of Teachers ( appropriate!)- didn't like it. They said it was 'underhand', because the film was made without the school's permission.

My partner, Eva, used to work as a supply teacher in the UK; she tells me that because OFSTED inspectors et al had to warn schools of inspections, special arrnagments were made. Seemingly, unruly and troublesome children were kept out of school on inspection days and extra supply teachers were drafted in so as to make the school look vaguely professional.

What was it Bliar said in 1997?


Clive Rawlings, appearing on behalf of Mrs Mason, said:

"Angela Mason is merely the messenger

and we submit that you should not shoot the messenger

The hearing is now adjourned until 18 June.

Nanny likes to watch but doesn't like us to watch.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Nanny's Gestapo State

Nanny's Gestapo State
I have often opined on this site as to what exactly is the point of a local council, what do they actually do with all of the money that they take from us?

Well folks, now we know!

Nanny has decreed that council, doctors and social workers will now act as spies on the local community. They will be forced to report "potential" criminals to the police.

A leaked Home Office proposal shows that Nanny will soon require that GPs, charity staff and public sector workers will have to tip off the police about any customer or patient that they fear may commit a violent crime.

The move means that innocent people would be presumed guilty, and put under watch without any firm evidence.

Quite how you can be reported for something that you have not yet done, based purely on the speculation of a third party, is beyond me.

New crimes on Nanny's "thought crime" list include:

-Looking at me in a funny manner
-Looking guilty
-Wearing a hoodie etc

The state should fear the people, not the people fear the state!

We are sleepwalking towards dictatorship, whereby the state rules by fear, as we wonder which one of our neighbours is a state spy.

The principle of law that this country's legal system and democracy is based upon is:

"Presumed innocent until proven guilty"

Nanny, by this proposal, seeks to invert that to:

"Presumed guilty until proven innocent".

Monday, May 21, 2007

Nanny Bans Rescue

Nanny Bans RescueThe good old boys in Nanny's health and safety Gestapo have been up to their old tricks again.

This time they have decreed that a trained rescue professional (a fireman to be precise) should not have attempted to rescue someone from drowning, because it was too dangerous!!!

Tam Brown, a professional fireman (trained to rescue people), has found himself on the wrong end of Nanny's sticky pole (a lousy metaphor, I know...but it's Monday morning...give me a break!) and is now subject to an internal investigation by Tayside Fire and Rescue because he breached safety rules during the rescue in the River Tay in Perth.

Mr Brown spent eight minutes in the cold water, as he dragged a 20 year old woman to safety. Unfortunately, Nanny believes that he had acted improperly by risking his life.

Mr Brown has 15 years' experience as a fireman, and quite rightly was hailed as a hero by the woman's family. However, Tayside Fire and Rescue said that he had broken the brigade's "standing instructions" on safety procedures.

Kind of odd that isn't it?

I thought that those who joined the fire service did so because they wanted to help save lives.

Mr Brown said:

"I was expected to watch that young girl die in front of me.

As a father and a caring human being,

I couldn't live with myself if I'd had to do that

He went on to say:

"We had seconds to act. The girl was losing consciousness.

We had one harness, so I put that on and went

down 20ft on a safety line, grabbed her and held

her out of the water. My colleagues tried to pull

us towards steps, but the current was so bad and

the rope was pulled so hard it snapped.

My own life hung in the balance as I swam

for the steps with her in my arms.

But we got there and were pulled out.

I was in the water for eight minutes and it

was heart-stoppingly cold, but we saved her

Unfortunately the rules say that fire crew should instead have tried to haul the woman out using poles and ropes.

Aha...there is one fly in Nanny's oinkment here.

Can you guess what that is?

Yes, that's right, Stephen Hunter, chief fire officer of Tayside Fire and Rescue, admitted that fire engines in Perth were not equipped with the correct poles and ropes!

However, let us not be deterred by facts and reality, Nanny insists that Mr Brown should have used the non existent pole.

Therefore, Mr Brown must be punished for his lamentable action.

As Stephen Hunter so "eloquently" put it:

"Firefighter safety is of paramount importance to us.

Although our duties include rescues from flooding,

there is no statutory obligation to carry out

rescues from moving water.

We know they broke procedure because

we know he went into the water.

We are investigating exactly what happened,

and once that is concluded we will consider

what action is necessary.

That could include disciplinary action

Steve Hill, chairman of the Perth branch of the Fire Brigades Union, is not too impressed with Nanny:

"Not one senior officer has congratulated Tam

or the other officers who attended that night.

They should be elated they saved a life but are

traumatised that they face disciplinary action instead.

Contradicting an order can lead to dismissal.

If Tam hadn't gone in, the public might have

tried to save her and we could have ended up

with several dead

Nanny claims that she wishes to minimise (or eliminate) risk, in reality all she cares about is having her petty and odious rules followed.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Nanny Bans Clock Winding

Nanny Bans Clock WindingI think one's only reaction when reading this piece of Nanny nonsense is to ejaculate (no, I didn't mean like that!)...the phrase...

"For Fark's Sake!"

It seems that the health and safety Gestapo have been up to their old tricks again, this time focusing their efforts on the Old Town Hall clock in Torquay.

Despite being ticking away merrily for the last 145 years or so, the clock is now deemed to be a health and safety hazard to those who wind it up.

Therefore Nanny has banned the winding of the clock.

The clock has been wound every week by a volunteer since 1862.

However, following a council "risk assessment" (whenever I hear that phrase I instinctively reach for my revolver) the 60ft clock tower was deemed unsafe and closed.

As said...

For Fark's Sake!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Sunderland Rules by Diktat

Sunderland Rules by Diktat
Nanny's obsession with expunging smoking knows no bounds. One of her ever "popular" and well "respected" local councils, Sunderland, now rules by diktat.

Sunderland has issued a diktat ordering workers who smoke in any public place, even outdoors, not to wear Sunderland council clothing.

The diktat will come into force in Sunderland on June 1. The council says that its measures are an important step in protecting the health of employees and visitors.

What a load of bollocks!

The employees have the right to smoke outside, and wear what the hell they like; they are adults, not school children.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Nanny Bans Welsh

Nanny Bans WelshI couldn't but help snigger when I read about Nanny banning the speaking of Welsh by telephone operators. Given that majority of people who live in Wales can't speak Welsh, it always seems to me an absurd waste of time and money that Nanny insists on dual language road signs and speakers in government offices etc.

Anyhoo, Nanny has decided that the speaking of Welsh could damage the vocal chords. Therefore union officials have succeeded in persuading the Vale of Glamorgan council to ban the traditional greetings "bore da" - meaning "good morning" - and "prynhawn da" - meaning "good afternoon".

The argument runs along the lines that as the workers first language is English, they could harm themselves trying to pronounce the phrases. They added the ban was in keeping with Health and Safety Executive's recommendation that call centre workers limit their phone time to preserve their vocal chords.

What a load of bollocks!

How can anyone take these people seriously if they waste their time and energy on such an absurd issue?

Needless to say, the local Plaid Cymru Councillor Steffan Williams was up in arms.


"I can't see how saying 'bore da'

will do people in a call centre any harm

He then shot his credibility in the gonads by claiming that it was an infringement of human rights...bollocks!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Nanny Bans Ties

Nanny Bans TiesFull marks to John Peckham, head teacher of Bramhall School Greater Manchester, for being a bit of a sissy girl when it comes to health and safety.

He has decided that the wearing of real ties by his pupils is way too dangerous, so he has banned his pupils from wearing knotted ties because he says they could pose a safety risk.

Clip-on ties, like those worn by police officers, are now the order of that day at Bramhall High School in Stockport.

Precisely how many thousands of children die each year because their tie strangles them?


Learning to tie your own tie is one of life's great benchmarks, taking you from dribbling infant to fully fledged sprog.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Congratulations to Gordon Brown's beloved HMRC, who have proven themselves yet again to be totally useless.

The other week they sent my Dad a tax form to complete, nothing wrong with that you might say. small fly in their oinkment though.

Dad died in January of this year, and we informed HMRC in writing about it within a fortnight of his death.

This week my Mum received a letter from the good old boys at the HMRC commiserating with her on her loss, and asking for some details re my late father.

Well done lads, it took a mere 14 weeks for the HMRC to acknowledge and process one letter.


No wonder the tax system is falling apart.

Thanks Gordon, this shambles is very much down to you; a fitting legacy.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Nanny's Gestapo State

Nanny's Gestapo State
Those of you who live in Birmingham, and who have forgotten that on 1st July 2007 Nanny's anti smoking rule comes into force, need not fear.

The much "respected" and "service minded" local council has an excellent plan to help you to remember not to smoke in public.

They will be unleashing 100 "enforcement officers" onto the streets of Birmingham.

Neil Eustace, chairman of the city council public protection committee (an Orwellian concept if ever I heard one), is quoted as saying:

"On July 1, our officers will be out in force.

We are very confident that the ban will be self enforcing,

but there will be a level of force from the start

Am I imagining it, or is this "servant of the people" threatening the people?

It strikes me that he and Nanny's lackeys in this most unloved of councils have got ideas above their station in life.

Eustace's profile says that he is a Liberal Democrat, isn't it funny how that party always produces the sort of people who tend to act like mini Gestapo officers?

By the way, try clicking the link on Eustace's page to find out about the Public Protection Committee...funny that, nothing there?

Why is that then???

Here is what Birmingham City Council's website website says that they will do:

"After 1st July high profile enforcement activity will commence immediately and our Enforcement Officers will target any premises subject to complaint. There will be a national and local hotline (numbers to be announced – watch this space) as well as e-mail and text systems available for reporting non-compliance."

Nice to see that they will encourage people to spy and report on each other!

The state should fear the people, not the people fear the state.

In case you are worried about the cost of these "enforcement officers", have no fear, Nanny has given Birmingham £600K to pay for them.

Oh, wait a minute, that would be £600K of our money...errmmm...collected in part by taxes on fags, yes?

Nanny's Gestapo will be empowered to photograph and film smokers, then issue them with a £50 on the spot fine.

Isn't it illegal to take photos of someone without their consent?

Now the question arises, when smoking has been eradicated in Birmingham will these "enforcers" be out of a job?

I guarantee that they will remain employed, and will be used by the council to spy on people for other "misdemeanours".

The Gestapo state has arrived, on the back of a fag packet!

Feel free tow rite to Nanny's lackeys at Birmingham council, and vent your spleens:

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Plus Ca Change

Bollocks To The Bar Steward
There we have it ladies and gentlemen, it is now official, both Bliary Poppins and the Smooth Talking Bar Steward are leaving office.

The end of an era?


The end of the Nanny state?


The design team here at Nanny Knows Best are already working hard on the new logo for the site, to take account of of Smiler Brown's ascendancy to orifice.

In the meantime I would like to remind you that classic editions of Nanny Knows Best and Bollocks To The Bar Steward products (T shirts, thongs, coffee cups, pillows, hoodies etc) are still available for sale.

They will doubtless become collectors' items, get them before they are banned!

- Nanny Knows Best Shop

- Bollocks To The Bar Steward Shop

Friday, May 11, 2007


EducashunA barking mad acolyte of Nanny's, Alan McMurdo - head of the Thomas Deacon city academy in Peterborough, has decreed that pupils at his new £46M "super school" will have no break and no playground because he does not agree with the concepts.

McMurdo says that learning would improve, if pupils had to concentrate on lessons throughout the day.


"I want the teachers teaching and

the children learning at the school.

If children are enjoying lessons,

then there will be no need to go

and run off steam outside

Is he mad?

Has he ever been near children before?

Absolutely potty!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Happy Happy, Joy JoySmile and the whole world smiles with you!

That at least is the view according to Nanny. She has decided that if we all smile inanely, just as our soon to be departed leader does, then the world will be a much better place and we will forget all our troubles.

Therefore, in keeping with the "smile all the while" policy, Nanny intends to introduce "happiness" lessons in schools.

Yes, that's right, Nanny intends to teach children to be happy; so that the rise in cases of depression being reported is contained and pushed back.

Nanny's new "feely touchy" lessons will include subjects such as; how to manage feelings, attitudes to work and money, channelling negative emotions and how to take a critical view of the media.

This master plan has been devised by Lord Richard Layard, a Labour peer and professor of economics at the London School of Economics.

He wants school pupils to receive tuition in "how to be happy", up to the age of 18, and their progress in the subject should feature in university applications.

Does this mean then that universities won't take applications from miserable bastards?

That would have been a bit of a blow to wee Gordon Smiler Brown, back in his days as a student.

Lord Layard, the director of the wellbeing programme at the LSE's Centre for Economic Performance, said that his theory works something like this:

"Learning hard things takes an enormous amount of practise.

To play the violin well takes 10,000 hours of practise.

How can we expect people to learn to be happy without

massive amounts of practise and repetition?

I believe it can only be done by the schools.

Parents of course are crucial.

But if we want to change the culture,

the main organised institutions we have

under social control are the schools

Errmmm...a few points m'lud:

1 You cannot learn to be happy from a formal lesson

2 You are either a happy person by nature, or you are a miserable git

3 It is the role of the parents to teach children to appreciate what they have, and as such give them some contentment in their lives

4 Learning to play the violin is totally different to being happy. Indeed, creativity often comes from a very tortured and troubled soul. Van Gogh could hardly be called a "happy" person could he?

5 M'lud just about manages to include parents in his "grand plan". However, it is clear that he doesn't really think that they have much of a role. Nanny hates biological parents (must have been something that happened to her in her childhood)

6 M'lud wants to "change the culture", why? Doesn't this sound rather sinister?

Frank Furedi, a sociology professor at Kent University and author of Therapy Culture, thinks that it is a load of bollocks.


"In pushing emotional literacy, what some teachers are

really doing is abandoning teaching.

They are giving up and talking about emotions instead,

so that children value all this non-discipline-led

activity more than maths, English or science.

What is amazing about this is that time and time again,

research says that it does not work

People are "unhappy" because they are dissatisfied with their lives.

They are dissatisfied with their lives because they are constantly told that they should achieve "X, Y and Z" (wrt love, health, money etc).

They do not achieve "X, Y and Z" because the targets are often unattainable; and the quality of the education system leaves many falling far short in the basic standards of reading, writing and social/cognitive skills that would enable them to at least have a sporting chance of achieving "X, Y and Z".

The children who "endure" Nanny's education system know full well that the system is failing them, hence they are depressed (as they see that they will never achieve what they are told that they should be achieving).

Here's a radical thought, how about teaching children to read and write first? Then, later, they can be challenged with "finding their feelings".

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Prat of The Week

Prat of The WeekThere have been such a slurry of "Prats of The Week" that I have got rather behind myself on this award, can I get behind myself???

Anyhoo, this week's prestigious and coveted "Prat of The Week" Award goes to Trevor Phillips the chairman of the Commission for Equalities and Human Rights.

He recently got rather hot under the collar over the ethnic make up of the workforce of local supermarkets, and has suggested that they should be forced to recruit more ethnic minorities by positive discrimination.

Phillips said that retailers should have new powers making it is easier to attract employees, to reflect the make-up of their local communities.

Phillips wants new powers for his organ (The Commission for Equalities and Human Rights) to permit positive discrimination to prevent jobseekers from migrant communities being disadvantaged.

He claimed that firms, such as Tesco and Sainsbury, wanted greater flexibility to hire staff.

This is of course where it all came unstuck, for you see Tesco immediately said that he was talking bollocks. They noted that his comments were 'unfair and discriminatory'.

Surely, as Chairman of Commission for Equalities and Human Rights, he can't be unfair or discriminatory?????

The British Retail Consortium, which represents thousands of shops, noted the obvious flaw in Phillips' argument:

"Because shop staff tend to work relatively near

where they live they are already likely to reflect

their local communities but retailers will continue

to recruit on ability to do the job not on race.

Trevor Phillips seems to be calling for retailers

to be allowed to discriminate in favour of particular groups.

That means discriminating against others.

We believe retailers will reject this sort of

unfairness and go on recruiting on merit alone

Exactly, given the low paid nature of supermarket work, the people who work in supermarkets tend to live locally. It would hardly be cost effective for them to commute several hours a day to go to work would it?

Congratulations on your award Trevor!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


EducashunNanny's approach to child "discipline" has always been a tad schizophrenic. On the one hand she is a strong advocate of ASBO's etc for all manner of offences (ranging from vandalism, to simply kicking a football around in the street), yet on the other hand she strongly disapproves of parents or teachers administering anything resembling a cuff round the back of the head etc.

It is hardly surprising then that children grow up confused and aggressive, they have no boundaries and are given the impression that the teachers/parents are a soft touch.

Nanny has recently added to this confusion, by issuing new guidance on school discipline. This "guidance" advises teachers against repeatedly praising only "the same good pupils", er isn't that called encouragement?.

Nanny has a "brilliant solution" to this evil encouragement of good pupils, she suggests that rewards also be given to persistent miscreants who show an improvement in matter how small.

Coming soon, "good news" postcards:

"Little Johnny did not swear at teacher today...hoorah!"

According to Nanny:

"This can help improve relations with parents

who have become tired of receiving letters

and phone calls when things go wrong

What about the teachers who are "tired" of being on the receiving end of all of that shit?

By the way folks, teachers are now expected to take account of race/culture when giving a telling off. Seemingly, if you come from a "loud" culture, then it's alright to be a loud git.

Th concept of integration (where people integrate into the British culture) hasn't quite reached Nanny yet, has it? It seems that the British culture must adapt to others.

Nanny emphasises that teachers should understand the importance of showing respect to children from racial or religious backgrounds, for whom public humiliation is seen as particularly shameful.

Errmmm again, this shows a remarkable misunderstanding of how children function. Humiliation is the most effective means of controlling badly behaved children, by forcing them to act within limits set by the cultural/social norms of their peer groups and society.

Nanny's guidance is, without a doubt, a recipe for disaster.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The Roast Beef of Olde England II

The Roast Beef of Olde England IIYou may recall that last October I wrote of my horror at discovering that Simpson's had started to serve its beef sans fat.

I wrote to Simpson's at the time, pointing them to my article, in the hope that they would take remedial action.

This Friday I revisited Simpson's, with an old chum from my days in KPMG, and am happy to report that the fat is back! I would also note that, as it should be, it was a nice dark yellow (not pale white); thus indicating that the meat had been hung for at least 3 weeks.

Remember folks, like oil in a car engine, the blood needs fat in it to help it circulate!

Well done Simpson's. My chum and I had an excellent meal and evening.

I was going to write about this yesterday. However, owing to the heroic quantities of booze consumed (lager, gin, vodka, wine, 3 Irish coffees and 3 Cointreaus) I couldn't.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Trouble At Gestapo HQ

Trouble At Gestapo HQ
My sympathy to the good people of our much respected Health and Safety Gestapo. It seems that they are having a few health and safety issues at their own HQ.

According to data recently released to The Times, under the Freedom of Information Act, there were over 500 accidents and injuries in a 3½ year period at Gestapo HQ. That, by the way, works out at on accident every two working days.

There were 154 slips, trips or falls. One fall, that resulted in a strained groin...ouch...was caused by a wet tea-room floor...don't they use those dinky little plastic cones that warn of wetness?

Another employee slipped on a plastic bag and pulled a hamstring. One hapless member of staff slipped on a raisin!!!???

Someone else bruised her eye, when a lavatory-roll dispenser fell from the wall.

Inspectors were also physically or verbally assaulted nine times.

The accident rate at Gestapo HQ shows a rate of 4,143 per 100,000 people over 2005-06, compared with 2,143 per 100,000 across all companies in the process, plant and machine operatives sector, widely considered one of the most dangerous sectors.

An HSE spokesman said:

"We endeavour to be an exemplar

and as such HSE's level of reporting

is very high.

When compared against averages for

companies with our type of risk the

incident rates and rates for reportable

injuries are low

Other mishaps included:

-Tried to step over spill on floor but slipped in the process

-Walked into warning sign — laceration to skull and damage to spectacles

-Accidentally touched bulb while switching lamp off — small burn to thumb

-Jarred wrist and arm trying to open door, which was stiffer than usual

These are the people who impose rules on us, to "help" us avoid accidents!

Physician heal thyself.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


PlodCongratulations to Nanny's state police force, for once again demonstrating how effectively (I am sorry, I meant to say "ineffectively") they prioritise their work.

Derbyshire police, who I believe we have featured on this site before, have clearly solved all their mainstream criminal investigations (eg assault, muggings and robbery); as they have found the time and resources to arrest a grandmother, for stealing a £60 football which landed in her back garden.

Angela Hickling, 56, from Heanor, was arrested on suspicion of theft over the lost ball.

It seems that her neighbour Christopher Salisbury reported her to the police, when he claimed that his sons had kicked the ball into her garden and she refused to return it.

Mrs Hickling told the BBC police arrived at her home in August, and she told officers she had looked for the ball but could not find it.

The police then took time to search her home!

Can you believe this?????

It's a football for fark's sake!!!!

She was then taken into custody, where she underwent a 15 minute interview and had her fingerprints and DNA sample taken.

I assume that Derbyshire has no other crime whatsoever then????

Needless to say, the Crown Prosecution Service has said it is not pursuing the case.

Derbyshire Police said that the complaint, by Mrs Hickling and her husband John, was being investigated and until that inquiry had been completed they would not comment further.

Well done lads.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Nanny Bans Photos

Nanny Bans Photos
In Nanny's world we are all equal.

However, owing to Nanny's dislike of what she perceives to be "unfair" advantages (eg sex, age, looks, race, religion, class, education etc), Nanny tries to skew the rules in order to ensure that some are more equal than others.

Rather Orwellian wouldn't you say?

This habit of Nanny's, to try to distort (sorry "level") the playing field, ignores a fundamental principle of genetic and social evolution; namely, we are all different and gifted with our own specific sets of good/bad attributes which affect the way that we interact with others and how others perceive us.

That's life, get over it!

Anyhoo, Nanny takes her rule bending to some extraordinarily silly lengths at times; I wonder if she ever stops to think how ridiculous she appears?

No, of course she doesn't.

However, I digress, one recent example of Nanny's obsession with the unattainable goal of "equality" was aptly demonstrated by her lackeys in the University and College Union (UCU).

UCU recently held an election, for the UCU general secretary, members of its board of trustees and special committees. However, the officials of UCU became worried that voters may be influenced by a candidate's looks (for good or bad).

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right, UCU banned the 100 candidates from including their photos with the official details of their policies etc.

Kate Heasman, UCU equality officer (why do we need jobs such as this?), said:

"Photos are a distraction and we should

not be basing decisions on how people look

Herein lies the problem, Nanny doesn't get that there is a world of difference between what we "should do" and the real world where what we "actually do" rules.

Needless to say some members believe that this policy is utter bollocks.

Fawzi Ibrahim, a lecturer at the College of North London, said that UCU is "out of touch with reality".

Much like the Neo Cons in the US, Nanny lives in a make believe world where her view of the world and her rules dominate; conveniently ignoring the actuality of human interaction (for good or bad).

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Prats of The Week

Prats of The WeekWell folks, it's that time again...time to award my coveted "Prat of The Week" award.

This time the award goes to the Trading Standards team of Dorset County Council (ah how refreshing, yet another local council making a fool of itself!).

So, what have they done to deserve this award?

Well the good old boys from the Trading Standards team were examining the Sgt Bub Bakery in Weymouth, which has been run by Val Temple for the last 30 years or so. The team unearthed a horrifying discovery, concerning the ingredients of some of Val's cakes.

What was that then Ken?

Did they contain poison?


Were they made with GM products?

No! (and who gives a stuff anyway?)

Was the bakery dirty?


It turns out that Vals' Paradise Slice didn't come from paradise, her Pig Tarts contained no pork and her Robin Tarts didn't contain any robins.

Yes, that's right, Val was accused of mislabelling the products and has to change the names of them.

So, let us be absolutely clear, the good old boys in Trading Standards were worried that people would be buying the products under the mistaken belief that they contained pigs, robins and a little bit of paradise.

How stupid do they think that we are?

What about Swiss rolls, shepherd's pies or baby's head puddings (the correct name for steak and kidney pudding) then?

Val is needless to say totally unimpressed with this.


"It's a joke. It's an insult to the public.

Of course my cakes don't contain pig,

robin or come from paradise.

Where is paradise anyway?

It's absolutely ridiculous.

What's next - Shepherd's Pie?

Where will it all end?

You could apply it to everything.

It's so silly

The Paradise Slice is made from a 120-year-old recipe and includes almonds, sultanas and cherries. The fact that people have eaten this slice for 120 years without any problems is of course irrelevant to Nanny's Trading Standards, the slice will now be called an "almond, fruit and nut" slice.

Val noted:

"The Trading Standards have been coming here

for the last 26 years and only this year

have they made this decision.

A woman officer came in and said they were

acting on a complaint over my labelling

At this point I have to ask, what sad loser made the complaint in the first place? What kind of person has such an empty life that they make an effort to raise such a complaint?

Why did Dorset County Council waste tax payers' money on this fools errand?

A customer, James Marper, wryly observed:

"It's complete madness.

What are they going to ban next - spotted dick?

Who do these officials think they are?

Where has common sense gone?

Val should bake a "nutty as a fruitcake"

to mock the small-minded people who have

had the nerve to enforce these rules.

Tax payers are shelling out so much money

and to see it being paid to these

interfering idiots is extremely disheartening

That is the reality of living in the Nanny state, small minded zealots are allowed to wield power over those of us who are capable of exercising common sense and who take responsibility for our own actions.

Ivan Hancock, Dorset County Council's Trading Standards manager, said:

"The fact is that food needs to be properly described

so that the consumer can tell what it is.

There is nothing wrong with using other names

but it must be accompanied by the true name of the food.

Consumers have the right to know what is in food

The customer could of course just ask Val what is in the cake, surely???

Dorset County Council Trading Standards team, well deserving of the Prats of The Week award.

Feel free to drop them a note here

Whilst we are on the subject, are there any other products that would upset the Trading Standards team (eg Spitfire Ale contains no spitfires)?