Nanny does not believe that, despite 50000 years or more of breeding, the human race is capable of rearing its offspring without her "wise" counsel.To this end Nanny, in the guise of The Department for Education and Skills, has launched the Dad Pack.
The what?
The Dad Pack, an illustrated guide to the wonderful world of having children.
In this wise book, men (another subject that Nanny hates) are told "not to have affairs" while their wives are pregnant (it's OK to shag around when your wives aren't pregnant chaps!).
FYI this fine piece of literature has cost us £50,000. It is illustrated with cartoons and proffers such advice as "Bite your lip, not your partner, when she is ratty".
Other gems include:
"Shop, clean, decorate.
When knackered, try not to say 'who is having this baby, you or me?"
The Dad Pack says that men will tire of "taking themselves in hand" when their wives are too weary for sex, but they need to give their wives the "feel-good factor".
Quote:
"We're talking massaging her, hot baths together - but no sex, no pressure
(if that makes you horny, sort yourself out beforehand)
Don't have an affair."
10,000 copies are being distributed through hospital maternity units, nurseries, children's centres and prisons (eh?).
Norman Wells, the director of Family and Youth Concern, is unimpressed he said:
"Patronising packs laden with cartoons and celebrity comments are likely to achieve very little.
The Government is throwing money at a problem its own policies have helped to create.
In previous generations, fathers were well able to fulfill their responsibilities without state-funded advice."
Coming soon, The Joy of Wanking and Nanny's Great Big Book of Wanking.
What utter Bollocks!
Ken,
ReplyDeletewhere can I get hold of this wank, sorry Dad pack? You don't think the smooth talking bar steward had any input do you?
Alan G
ReplyDeleteLink to Dad Pack now in article:)
Ken
As they say in the classics ...
ReplyDeleteyou couldn't make it up.
How have we managed without this for so long!
ReplyDeleteSo the advice is don't have affairs, right?
Who knew?
10,000 copies of this rather important social document.
ReplyDeleteHmm.
So, following the report a week or so ago that blew apart the myth that most men have (reputedly) created about the average chap getting 'it' about 20 times a night when the actual figure seems to be somewhat less than 20 times a year, they have clearly calculated that about 10,000 men are in the 'at risk' category at the moment.
Presumably the real figure for potential fatherhood is somewhat higher but only about 10,000 of that potential are in relationships that are stable enough that they are likely to be around to observe the consequences of their few seconds of activity.
So, Nanny is learning! Rather than produce a million copies of something that will go straight to landfill she is taking the green option and sticking to 10,000.
Should go down rather well in the prisons I would think, though I sometimes wonder if much of the male prison population sees incarceration as some form of beneficial escape from the responsibilities of parenthood.
I feel a headache coming on ...
A book on wanking, but a bunch of experts in wanking!
ReplyDeleteI suppose they needed 7+ years at uni to learn what every red-blooded 13 year-old boy knows...
This is nothing: wait for the Home Information Packs - which will cost much more and will bugger up the sale and purchase of private residential property.
ReplyDelete