Ashes To Ashes

Nanny manages to interfere in people's lives, even when they are dead.

We had wanted to scatter Dad's ashes at sea, that seemingly simple task requires an environmentally friendly urn and permission from some government organ.

Plan B was to scatter them on the Thames, again this requires the use of an environmental urn that biodegrades in a friendly manner. Fine, until my mother fractured her pelvis, which made the boarding of the Thames cruise boat all but impossible for her.

Plan C is to scatter them on his parents' grave, again seemingly we need permission of the cemetery.

Burke and Hare II

I am pleased to see that yesterday's article, about our substance abusing chums in the butchers' profession, has provoked some good "intercourse".

Sad to say, but the butchers forget that preserving life is not just about keeping the body functioning in perpetuity; it is also about the quality of life.

What purpose does it serve to be a "living" corpse (see Edgar Alan Poe's "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdimar") if you are senile, attached to a machine and your dignity long since taken away from you by the state or the substance abusing butchers and their minions? (Catholic church and other cults should take note of that!).

My father well understood that, and refused treatment for his cancer; he managed to die with dignity, at home, without being plugged into a machine and without being in pain.

I would also mention a fine old lady who I had the privilege to know, when I was a youngster (yes folks, I was young once:)), and acted as an honorary granny.

She was a district nurse (1920's to I guess 1950's), who by the way delivered my father, she spent many nights sitting by the bedsides of those who were dying; ensuring that they died with dignity.

She never feared death (something that our weak coddled youth obsessed society seems to do); noting that having seen so many die, that it was merely a matter of going to sleep. In those days the butchers couldn't keep the body going beyond its proper time!

She died in her 80's (1979) in her own home, sitting in her chair one evening; all very peaceful, and all very dignified.

As to the various comments about what to do with your body post demise, eg being made into a diamond, I refer you to this:

"I have spent the first forty years of my life eating good food and drinking fine wines, ales and spirits; I fully intend to continue in the same vein over the next forty, or so, years. However, when I do finally "pop my clogs" I would like to be made into a pate which would be served at my wake. That way my friends will be able to relive the culinary experiences of my life. Should you not wish to wait that long, then may I suggest that you read on."

Source?

Why none other than my own book, "Accountants Can Cook".

Unlike Harry Potter, feel free to download it for free!

Ken

Useless

Congratulations to Gordon Brown's beloved HMRC, who have proven themselves yet again to be totally useless.

The other week they sent my Dad a tax form to complete, nothing wrong with that you might say.

Errmmmm...one small fly in their oinkment though.

Dad died in January of this year, and we informed HMRC in writing about it within a fortnight of his death.

This week my Mum received a letter from the good old boys at the HMRC commiserating with her on her loss, and asking for some details re my late father.

Well done lads, it took a mere 14 weeks for the HMRC to acknowledge and process one letter.

Useless!

No wonder the tax system is falling apart.

Thanks Gordon, this shambles is very much down to you; a fitting legacy.

Thank You

Dear Friends

Firstly thank you for the many messages of sympathy and support that you have posted on this site, and sent me privately.

Please be assured that Mum and I are alright.

Mum and Dad were brought up in an era where (contrary to what the state and Oprah would have you believe) you got on with your lives, and didn't need to have an emotional breakdown on TV.

My parents brought me up to hold the same principles.

FYI we are in fact, at Dad's insistence, still going to hold Mum and Dad's 50th Wedding Anniversary dinner on the 11th of February.

I would also note that, contrary to what the media would have you believe, the local "social support network" (as provided by the neighbours of my parents) has been exceptional.

The neighbours in Mum's road have all rallied round, and have been highly supportive. Society, at least in my Mum's road, has not been fragmented or destroyed by Nanny.

Nanny will also be displeased to learn that I met up with a good chum on Friday night in my club (the East India), where we had an excellent meal and a "few" drinks.

In fact we consumed an heroic quantity of booze, finishing off with a bottle of port in the small hours.

I "awoke" on Saturday feeling that I had consumed an "elegant sufficiency".

Exactly how Dad would have wanted it.

Ken

Personal News

Dear Friends

Just to let you know that my Dad died peacefully at home during the night.

He was 83, and had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The prognosis had been that, as it worsened, he would have had to go to a hospice etc.

Quite clearly, for him and Mum, it is far better that he died at home peacefully and not in pain or connected to a machine.

The media often likes to report on the inadequacies, and alleged failures, of our overburdened NHS.

I would like to say, for the record, that the people who we (my parents and I) have worked with over the past few months have been first class; the doctors, nurses, health care workers etc have been professional, caring and competent.

I would like to say thank you to them for all that they have done.

Ken

A Conundrum

Sorry for the delay today folks. I have just spent the last six hours at hospital with my parents, waiting for Dad to have a rather unpleasant intrusive medical examination performed.

However, as sedated as he was (around the equivalent of 5 pink gins* I would say) when we left, he posed this conundrum:





"Why is it that if the doctors and the government are so concerned about our diets, and what we eat, that they have a Burger King franchise in the entrance to hospital?"

Indeed, Mayday Hospital has a very nice Burger King slap bang in the middle of the entrance hall.

Answers on a postcard please.

*NB a pink gin is an old naval drink:

- Add one drop of Angostura bitters to a glass

- Swirl it around

- Throw the bitters out

- Add some ice

- Add a measure of gin

- Add a little water (the gin turns pink)

- Drink with gusto

Nanny Is Mother, Nanny Is Father

Nanny does not believe that, despite 50000 years or more of breeding, the human race is capable of rearing its offspring without her "wise" counsel.

To this end Nanny, in the guise of The Department for Education and Skills, has launched the Dad Pack.

The what?

The Dad Pack, an illustrated guide to the wonderful world of having children.

In this wise book, men (another subject that Nanny hates) are told "not to have affairs" while their wives are pregnant (it's OK to shag around when your wives aren't pregnant chaps!).

FYI this fine piece of literature has cost us £50,000. It is illustrated with cartoons and proffers such advice as "Bite your lip, not your partner, when she is ratty".

Other gems include:

"Shop, clean, decorate.

When knackered, try not to say 'who is having this baby, you or me?"

The Dad Pack says that men will tire of "taking themselves in hand" when their wives are too weary for sex, but they need to give their wives the "feel-good factor".

Quote:

"We're talking massaging her, hot baths together - but no sex, no pressure

(if that makes you horny, sort yourself out beforehand)

Don't have an affair."

10,000 copies are being distributed through hospital maternity units, nurseries, children's centres and prisons (eh?).

Norman Wells, the director of Family and Youth Concern, is unimpressed he said:

"Patronising packs laden with cartoons and celebrity comments are likely to achieve very little.

The Government is throwing money at a problem its own policies have helped to create.

In previous generations, fathers were well able to fulfill their responsibilities without state-funded advice."

Coming soon, The Joy of Wanking and Nanny's Great Big Book of Wanking.

What utter Bollocks!