Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

On Yer Bike

On Yer Bike
Errrmmm...normally I don't reproduce articles verbatim. However, in this case I would like to present you with the exact story as it appeared in the Telegraph; it's so absurd that I know you wouldn't believe it, unless I reprinted it in full.

Here is the text:

A man has been placed on the sex offenders' register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders' register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

End of article.

This now leaves me to raise the following questions:

1 How do you have sex with a bicycle?

2 Why has Nanny prosecuted this man? He was in a room, doing it in private and not frightening the horses.

3 Has it come to this that Nanny will regulate what type of sex that we may have?


  1. Anonymous11:31 AM

    Disgusting! I'll bet the bastard didn't even ask the bike afterwards 'How was it for you honey?'



  2. Brings a new meaning to riding a bike!! Was it a B M SEX Bike on a "Mounting"(sic) bike?

  3. Really, Ken - Homer nods! Nanny always HAS regulated what type of sex we may have, and still does to an obnoxious and alarming degree [see Sexual Offences Act 2003].

    I have spent the main public and private energies of my life endeavouring to knock more sense into this illiberal state of affairs, but it's an uphill struggle and much remains to be done.

    Presumably Anne Summers and other vendors of sex toys will be funding this guy's appeal. If they don't, they ought to. Otherwise, they may soon be closed down!

  4. Didn't Queen (the band, not the . . . nevermind) have a song that went, "Bicycle, Bicycle, I want to ride my bicycle"?

    I always knew that Freddy Mercury was a bit "queer."

    Doesn't it all really come down to the age of the bicycle and whether or not it had given consent? A tinkling of the bell perhaps, or a greasing of the chain (ugh).

    Anyway, poor Mr. Stewart should deploy Nanny's own weapons against her in this fight and claim that he is being cruelly persecuted simply because of his bi-sexuality.

    Har, har, har.

  5. Anonymous1:17 PM

    presumably the bicycle concerned was under 16-
    Bear in mind this prosecution is under Scottish Law-now I understand that homosexual acts "in private" are permitted with consenting (over 16)adults. If the two hostel workers came into a room where two men are involved in an act of sodomy, then they cannot complain. He may in breach of his letting agreements but that is a civil matter but he may also have the right to coomplain about breach of privacy
    But the Sex Offenders Register is probably such a useless document but it sounds good when government minister report that there are another 100/200/300 etc on it

  6. We must think of the bicycle through all of this.

    Was the bicycle harmed in any way?
    Will this episode have a long term effect on the bicycle?
    Will this bicycle ever be able to be ridden again?
    What would the offspring look like and would society accept them?

    That is without the all important health and safety issues.
    How would the bicycle have been able to protect itself against unwanted sexually transmitted diseases.
    Was the bicycle at risk from this man, was it ever abused?

    I think the government needs to spend lots of taxpayers money and set up another Quango to oversee the well being of bicycles in our society and to protect them from the depraved masses of lonely men.

    There again, was this prosecution gender biased.

    Women after all are doing this sort of thing and having a sexual relationship with their bikes every day, more often than not in public.

  7. Anonymous1:33 PM

    I think there needs to be an inquiry into the sexual abuse of washing machines as well.

  8. I knew of a guy in Glasgow who had a sexual fetish for paraffin heaters.

  9. Anonymous2:10 PM

    People have strange sexual kinks, thats for sure, but as Ken says, he was in a private room, and no one was hurt. The fact that he will now be labeled a sex offender is laughable on its face, and unfortuate for this guy. I hope he gets a judge with some common sense.(do they still exist?)

  10. As the old saying goes, there's nowt so queer as folk.

    He was doing no one any harm, and should have been left alone by the state.

  11. And so say all of us!

  12. Is it ok for people to use master keys to obtain entry without overt permission?

  13. Anonymous2:05 AM

    Big brother is now encouraging anonymous spying on nannies or anyone with a kid that doesn't look like she is the child's mother. I was at my sisters in the Greenwich, CT (where it's almost mandatory to have a nanny) and the local paper had a story about a prosecutor who specializes in sex crimes against children who runs a site blogging about spying on nannies or anyone that resembles one. Even real nannies are safe from big brother anymore!!

  14. Perhaps he asked his girlfriend if he could have sex and she said
    "On your bike"
    So he did....Just a thought

  15. Docbud2:43 PM

    He's different from me (I'm into toasters) so it's okay by me if the state persecutes him.

  16. Was it the office bicycle?

  17. DocBud11:08 PM

    Presumably, this man has an injunction preventing him from being within 200m of a bicycle shop and anyone wishing to work with or own bicycles will have to be vetted by the police.

    MrsBud, as ever, got to the real crux (can I say crux?) of the problem, it could be scooters next.

    Should bike owners be told if this man moves into their area?

  18. Will Nanny cite this incident as further evidence of the troubling rise in peddlephelia?

  19. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Everybody is missing the real point here - this poor man was sold a bicycle without a warning label (in 85 different langauges) attatched stating that having sexual relations with a bicycle IS illegal and dangerous, thus it is clearly not his fault.

    EU Nanny must ensure all bicycles in the future are thus tagged to avoid future mishaps.

  20. OK, now we've done all the jokes can we get back to the real issue, which is this; on the face of it this is an appalling restriction into someone's private life.
    Just what is a "sexual breach of the peace" ?