G4S Clusterfuck

By the way folks, it appears that G4S staff covering the Olympics don't speak fluent English!

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The English Diet

What a glorious start to the week, not only did I receive an email invite to participate in an online study of fake and real boobs (I kid you not!), but I also read that some "experts" believe that the English diet is in fact incredibly healthy.

"Experts" from Oxford University have concluded that if the Scots, Northern Irish and Welsh ate like the English it could save 4,000 lives a year.

It seems that the English diet reduces the risk of cancer and heart disease!

Hoozah!

Double chips for me please!




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Nanny Bans The Second World War

When you do something, you should always do it "large".

That is my motto and, seemingly, Nanny's as well.

What has Nanny gone and done?

Well blinkey, blonkey, blimey she's only gone and banned the Second World War!

Rod Tinson has written a Halloween play which was to be staged at Pendennis Castle in Falmouth. The play featured scenes from different periods in the castle's history (including World War II, when it was a coastal defence position against the threat of German invasion).

Unfortunately for Mr Tinson, he had to get his script approved by English Heritage.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, they took exception to a number of things and wanted him to make adjustments; eg to the part where a young Jewish character expressed fears about his family in occupied Poland.

For why?

English Heritage were concerned that people would be "offended" by the material, and that it would be "inappropriate" for an English Heritage audience.

Aren't Polish or Jewish people allowed to be part of our heritage then?

The censorship is rather odd really, given that Mr Tinson wrote the play for adults (it was for an adults only evening), many of whom would remember the War or know people who were involved in it.

English Heritage also had other issues:

- any references to sex (including buggary (sic)....their misspelling, not mine)
- swear words, including 'bloody' (a fine English swear word, used in "In Which We Serve")
- references to Poland, Jews and Nazis

Given the number of brave Poles and Jewish people who joined the RAF, RN and Army and the number of Polish war memorials in the UK, I would think that they would be more than "offended" at having references to their country/religion removed from the play.

BTW, the castle is also home to a collection of wartime cartoons of Hitler and Mussolini by illustrator George Butterworth. 

 

Anyhoo, Mr Tinson did what any self respecting writer would do, he told English Heritage to stuff it (not literally) and withdrew his services as a writer.

Good for him!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

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Nanny Bans St George

As we all know, the World Cup kicks off today.

Even David Cameron is attempting to be seen to be bothered, and is going to fly the cross of St George flag from Downing Street.

However, within the Nanny state there lurks a group of people who fear the cross of St George and being identified as being "Engerlish".

I cite the case of Bolton At Home (a company that manages 18,000 council homes in the Manchester area), which has banned its 1,200 workers from flying England flags on their own cars.

For why?

Nanny deems the flag to be racist!

Nanny also deems the flying of the flag as "discrimination" against those who don't support England during the World Cup.

What a bunch of pathetic twats!

These are the private cars of employees, not company owned vehicles; Nanny has no authority over what people append to their own vehicles.

The rule (no flags, stickers, posters etc) applies to Bolton At Home branded vehicles (fair enough), public offices (fair enough) and any personal vehicles used for work and for which an employee claims 'essential or casual car allowance'.

Twats!

Being English is not a matter of ethnic origin, or indeed geographic location, it is a state of mind.

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Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

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Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

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Educashun

Given Nanny's oft stated predilection for "Educashun, Educashun, Educashun" and the recently announced "Balls Plan" for one stop shops at schools, it has come as a "total surprise" (there is irony in that phrase folks) to learn that classic poetry is in danger of disappearing from English lessons because teachers with little knowledge of literature.

Maybe, on reflection, I shouldn't be too surprised.

Many of the young teachers in schools have been victims of Nanny's lousy educashun system, where competitiveness and a desire for self improvement have been banned.

Only very few primary schools are now using works such as Wordsworth's Daffodils, or Coleridge's the Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

It seems that many primary teachers simply do not know enough about poetry to cover the subject properly. They instead opt for the easy option, offered by modern writers.

Taking the easy way out has always been Nanny's philosophy.

Children should not be stretched beyond the limits of the slowest/dimmest pupil in class.

The result?

A classroom full of bored, fractious kids who end up causing trouble as their minds are turned to mush in the stultifying boredom of Nanny's schools.

Seemingly the poem of choice for Nanny's teachers is that redoubtable work by Spike Milligan, "On the Ning, Nang, Nong".

Inspectors who checked poetry teaching at 86 primary and secondary schools concluded it was the worst-taught aspect of English.

One in three schools were merely "satisfactory" while only seven were rated "outstanding".

Passing for teacher feedback these days, instead of a detailed critique, teachers now write "super" or "lovely poem". Thus displaying a remarkable level of ignorance.

Adding to the boredom imposed by Nanny on the hapless kids is the task set by many teachers, that of counting the lines in a poem.

What the fark good is that?

How can we possibly hope to teach children if the teachers themselves are uneducated and unchallenging?

Nanny Bans English Party

You know how Nanny has something of thing against the English?

Part of this problem possibly is due to the fact that a large swathe of the government is in fact Scottish. Nothing wrong with that, were it not for the fact that Scotland is pushing for independence and that English MP's don't have a say in the running of the Scottish parliament.

By the way, has anyone ever heard Smiler Brown use the word "English"?

I haven't!

Anyhoo, Nanny's little trainee minions in the School for Oriental African Studies (SOAS) did Nanny's work for her the other week, by banning one of their students from holding a party.

Tim McLellan, university rugby captain, was accused of racism because he had the temerity to put up posters advertising an "English party" (in the sense of a social event, not a political party).

The thought police were down upon Tim like a ton of bricks, he was forced to send an email the entire student body, saying he had not intended to upset or alienate anyone.

The idea behind the event was to poke fun at the many SOAS events based on multicultural themes.

Quote:

"The aim of the poster was not to alienate or discriminate,

but rather to express that this party was,

unlike most SOAS events,

going to have a mainstream vibe."

Unfortunately for Tim, Nanny and her student lackeys don't posses a sense of humour and hate it when others make fun of them.

Clare Solomon, SOAS students' union co-president, said the rugby club had apologised after a number of students complained they felt the poster alienated certain groups from the party.

Quote:

"Offensive terms are used so frequently

that they become internalised and,

therefore, people who use them are

often unaware of the implications behind the word."

Could someone please remind this young lady (ooh..she won't like that phrase!) that the word "English" is not racist or offensive.