Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

How Many Etonians Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Etonians being punished for changing their lightbulbs
Eton
, the school that allegedly educates the elite of British society such as Eden, Macmillan, Gladstone, Prince William; has fallen under nanny’s influence.

Fearing that the “delicate blossoms”, who are placed in its charge, may injure themselves; the school has banned pupils from changing defective lightbulbs.

This absurd rule is somewhat ironic; given the fact that the headmaster of Eton, Tony Little, recently said at a conference:

The biggest worry we face is that an erosion of trust over the years in the teaching profession, voiced by politicians and echoed by the public, has led to a desire to control and direct the affairs of schools…”

However, do not fret about the pupils not being able to study in the darkness; the dangerous task of lightbulb changing has been passed on to those deemed to be expendable, the boys’ maids!

Now tell me, what sort of lesson does this teach our future elite?

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Killer Lettuce

Killer Lettuce, appearing in a supermarket near you!It seems that nanny’s food fascists are on the march again. Having had a good old rant about salt and sugar, they are now driving themselves into a frenzy about pre-packed lettuce.

It seems that the innocent leaf of lettuce that you are chomping on, may in fact be a killer.

Yes, the food fascists have decided that the residue of the chlorine used to wash the lettuce may be harmful.

Spokesmen for the salad packing industry point out that the residue is less than you would find in tap water.

Maybe someone should remind nanny that tap water, in addition to containing chlorine, contains fluoride; which of course has been put there on her orders, without consulting her charges, for our own “protection”.

It seems to me that if you look for problems and risks hard enough, you will find them everywhere. Maybe we should be allowed just to get on with enjoying our lives, without the interference of nanny?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Charlie is Me Darling

CharlieI am pleased to report a minor victory, in the daily struggle against nanny, and her perverted ideas of perfection.

It seems that people power has saved a national icon; in the shape of the portly Little Chef logo, affectionately known as Charlie.

I understand that the Little Chef chain were to put Charlie on a diet, in order to reduce his plump girth. Nanny has been lecturing us for so long now about our waistlines, that people are beginning to feel that to be plump is morally wrong.

Therefore, the guys at Little Chef felt that they were doing the right thing by putting Charlie on a diet.

However, they did not count on the reaction of the British public; who fought back against this well intentioned, but misguided, idea.

After deluge of 15000 letters, from the public, Charlie will be saved.

That is a victory for common sense and people power, plus it shows that the people running Little Chef have decency and common sense.

However, there is a serious lesson to be learned here. Had Charlie been slimmed down, it would have sent yet another message out to the community as a whole; that to be overweight is unacceptable and wrong.

This is a very dangerous message to be pumping into peoples’ heads. There are many teenagers, and adults, made to feel inadequate and miserable; because nanny tells them that they are the wrong shape.

Some of these unhappy souls are driven to extreme measures; such as faddy diets and fasting, which damages them both physically and psychologically.

The bottom line is this; the human race is made up of tall people, short people, fat people and thin people.

That is the way that humans are, nanny has to learn to live with it!

Monday, September 27, 2004

Don't Mention The War

Geobbles Hain Addresses The MediaNanny and her apparatchiks are in Brighton this week, at their party conference. Nanny likes to ensure that these events are well staged managed, so that only issues that really matter to nanny are discussed.

Two of nanny’s “pet topics” this year are banning smoking and 24-hour state child care (“get them while they are young, and they will be yours for life”).

One of nanny’s spokesmen, Peter “Goebbels” Hain, was so keen to make sure that nanny’s agenda was followed; that he publicly stated that the Iraq war, and the hunting ban were only “fringe issues”.

Needless to say, the media pounced on this dim-witted “Fawlty Towers” attempt at agenda manipulation; pointing out that, what with the kidnapping of Ken Bigley and the daily body bag count in Iraq, the Iraq situation is hardly a fringe issue.

Peter “Geobbels” Hain reacted swiftly, and admitted that he didn’t mean to say that.

Very true Herr Propaganda Minister, of course you didn’t mean to say that, but you thought it nonetheless!

Poor old nanny found that this was not the end of the matter; her previously loyal troops have decided to hold a vote on Thursday on the Iraq situation. They will be voting to force nanny to give a specific deadline for the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq.

Nanny, your slip is showing!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Pollards

Nanny's trolls planning herbicideIt seems my earlier article, about the dangers of nanny interfering in conker season, was prescient.

It is reported that nanny’s trolls in South Shields Council have decided that conker hunting is just too dangerous for the children and, more importantly, too dangerous for the cars of South Shields.

Apparently, a boy fell out of a tree and injured himself whilst collecting conkers. This, of course, gave nanny’s trolls in South Shields the excuse they needed to “pollard” the trees.

Pollarding is a technical term used, to disguise the reality of the actions being employed by nanny’s council trolls. In reality, they are lopping off the branches; with the intention of poisoning the trees, and replanting them with something “less dangerous”.

In other words, they are planning "herbicide".

At this point I must stop myself from vomiting in reaction to this verbal garbage, spouted by the trolls. How many centuries have the people of Britain lived with the “dangers” of the horse chestnut?

Now the trolls in South Shields Council have decided that we are not going to be allowed to live with these noble trees anymore; for the safety of the children and, of course, for the safety of the cars.

The residents don’t like the actions of nanny’s trolls, yet nanny does not care; because nanny “knows best”.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Jackboots To Crush a Butterfly

The HSE stamping down on candyflossNanny’s pet Gestapo, the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), are rumoured to have set their sights on another pleasure that we take for granted.

This time they are looking to stamp out candyfloss on a stick.

Why is that? I hear you ask.

Simple, the HSE Gestapo feel that the sticks are dangerous; yes that’s right, STICKS!!!

What do these people do all day?

Let us make one thing clear, it is not the role of the state to interfere in simple pastimes such as the eating of candyfloss on a stick.

It is the role of parents to advise their children on the correct method of eating the candyfloss, and playing with the stick afterwards.

Nanny keep your nose out of this!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

A Spoonful of Sugar

Sugar, Nanny's Pet HateIn her youth, nanny used to advocate a spoonful of sugar; to help the medicine go down.

However, as she has grown older, nanny has become less tolerant of “sugar coating” the pill; she firmly believes that people must live according to her rules and beliefs, and follow the latest “food fad” scare story.

Currently nanny is campaigning against salt, but she also has other food groups in her sights. One of her acolytes “let the cat out of the bag” this week, by stating that sugar was next on the list of poison food groups disapproved of by nanny; shades of the Mikado (“I have a little list…”) here I fear.

However, the British public are not so easily cowed into submission; coming to the rescue are a legion of London taxi drivers, who have been on a diet that encourages them to snack on sugar products such as jelly babies.

The results have been interesting, contrary to the “scientific evidence” that nanny will be producing in her forthcoming campaign against sugar, they have lost weight.

Nanny is reported to be most annoyed at this attempt to undermine her authority.

Once salt and sugar have been placed in the list of “proscribed substances”, it is really anybody’s guess as to which basic food group nanny will attack next; maybe it will be your favourite?

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

The Enver Hodge Approach To Parenting


Enver Hodge with friendsNanny has many helpers and sprites, who are willing to do her work for her. One of her special little helpers is Margaret “Enver” Hodge, the minister for children, who is due to introduce parenting classes.

Nanny has for sometime known that the “peasants”, people who do not live in Islington, make lousy parents. Nanny already operates a compulsory parenting policy for the parents of truants and thugs.


However, nanny feels that these lessons need to be “made available” (for that read “made compulsory”) for the parents of her friends and acolytes living in Islington, and other middle class areas, as well.

You see nanny knows that the best way to keep her job, and be loved forever by her charges, is to ensure that they are totally dependant on her; so that they can never leave the nursery.

Nanny also believes that a parent, who never asks for help, is probably not doing their job right.

That is where Enver Hodge comes in; she, as you will remember, had something of a success in the 1980’s and 90’s with her childcare policy in Islington. In Islington a number of children, in nanny’s care, were abused by some 32 members of staff; yet Hodge did not act. Indeed when the Evening Standard started to report the issue in 1992, she accused it of “gutter journalism”.

She then managed to further pour salt in the wounds, by writing to the BBC in 2003; claiming that one of the victims, Demetrious Panton, was “extremely disturbed”. Needless to say this dim-witted outburst backfired, and Hodge had to apologise and pay £10K to a charity.

In addition to allowing systematic abuse to occur, whilst under her “watch”, Hodge managed to bankrupt Islington council. During her period in office she made sure that her own children were kept well out of the clutches of nanny, by sending them to fee paying schools.

Her nickname, coined by her own staff, during this period was “Enver Hodge”; a reference to the Stalinist dictator of Albania.

With credentials like that, nanny knew that Enver Hodge was the ideal person to lecture parents on how to bring up their children. Indeed nanny lived in the same street in Islington as Enver Hodge, they were special friends.

One of the vital lessons that Hodge will impart to parents, is that fathers should turn their mobile phones off when talking to their children. Enver Hodge will also show them how to change a nappy.

May I ask how is it that the human race managed for the last several thousand years, before nanny and her acolytes came along?

However, I must not be so critical of Enver Hodge, you see Enver Hodge is basing these classes on her own experience of raising children:

I remember going home with my first child, It’s so exciting. Then you get home and you haven’t a clue.”

That’s comforting isn’t it?

Monday, September 20, 2004

Conkers

Conker season is upon us again, a time of innocent joy for adults and children alike; unfortunately nanny hates conkers!

In previous years she has done her best to destroy the age old English custom of playing conkers.

In 2001 her friends in Norwich Council attempted to cut down a whole street of conker trees, their reasoning being:

  • Conkers were a danger to pedestrians, who could slip on the mulch they leave behind.


  • The golf-ball sized horse chestnuts could come crashing down onto passing cars, while sticks thrown by children to dislodge them could cause serious head injuries.


  • Children gathering conkers were at risk from vehicles.


  • Not content with cutting the trees down, some of nanny’s friends in the local councils have sought to ban conkers from school playgrounds. The councils are afraid of being sued by parents, in the event of an accident; they also fear the conkers could be used as an offensive weapon.

    Utter tosh!

    Doubtless nanny will be up to her old tricks again this conker season.

    Resist nanny’s meddling at all costs; remember, “the price of freedom is eternal vigilance!”.

    Prunes

    Seen on a pack of prunes, a warning label advising that the prunes are of "natural origin"; and, as such, should be handled with care.

    May I ask, what kind of prune is not of natural origin?

    Exam Pass Rates

    Nanny believes in a good education system, she practices what she preaches; by ensuring that her ministers, and friends, can send their children to selection based schools.

    However, nanny cares about those who are not so fortunate. She has set the core curriculum for non selective state schools, she believes that this curriculum ensures that people leaving school are well rounded mature individuals; fully equipped intellectually, and emotionally, to face the challenges of the 21st century.

    Nanny is very fond of telling people how successful her education policy is, she boasts openly about the ever increasing pass rates at A level; a sure sign, she says, that today’s school leavers are better educated than their predecessors.

    However, nanny’s standards are so exacting that her sycophants in the education system are afraid of disappointing her with a poor showing in exam pass rates. They have had to adopt innovative measures to ensure nanny’s targets are met.

    It seems that in order to achieve an A grade pass at Maths A level, the student needs only to score 45%. Those less bright students who, even under nanny’s guidance, could never hope to achieve an A grade; are offered a challenging 16% hurdle, if they wish to achieve a C grade pass.

    The education sycophants, who set and grade the exams, argue that the lower pass mark is a sign that the exam must be really tough.

    The real world knows this for what it really is, a dumbing down of standards in order to meet nanny’s target.

    The real losers are those who have passed through nanny’s education system, and end up with a qualification not worth the paper it is printed upon.

    Higher Education

    Nanny believes that everyone has the right to enter higher education, in fact nanny insists on it!

    Nanny knows that the greater the number of people in higher education, the lower the unemployment figures. Currently there are 8 million able bodied adults not working in the UK; they have voluntarily absented themselves from the unemployment figures, via imaginative routes such as being in full time “education”.

    In order to afford everyone the opportunity of entering full time education, nanny set up a whole host of new universities. These were often old polytechnics, renamed “university”. People can now study whatever takes their fancy, even if it affords them no useful “value added” qualification at the end of their endeavours.

    A nice trick, unfortunately for nanny people are not so easily fooled. Employers have changed their entry requirements, they now focus on people who have degrees in relevant, and useful, subjects attained at the “old” universities.

    Saturday, September 18, 2004

    Preparing for Emergencies

    The UK government (nanny) has recently issued a booklet, called "Preparing for Emergencies", to every household in the UK; apart from mine that is, I wonder if they are trying to tell me something?

    This is part of a £8M campaign telling the British public the "bleedin' obvious" about what to do in an emergency; eg in the event of a fire "do not re enter your home until the fire is out".

    All very laudable, no doubt; but are we really that dimwitted that we couldn't have worked that out for ourselves?

    Didn't our parents tell us these things when we were children? Ah wait a minute, I forgot, nanny belives that the government should act "in loco parentis" these days.

    I also note that the booklet has been translated into a large number of languages including; Welsh, Irish and Scots Gaelic. One moment here please, those that speak these three languages are perfectly capable of speaking English.

    Why go to the extra expense and trouble of translating the booklet into these three redundant languages, just to satisfy political correctness?

    Nanny has taken this booklet very seriously, and does not like the piss being taken out of it. So much so in fact, that nanny has been trying to shut down a spoof website on the subject.

    Before nanny succeeds, I recommend that you visit www.preparingforemergencies.co.uk.

    Sid The Slug

    Our "Nanny State", not content with lecturing us about our drinking, smoking and fat intake have now taken to lecturing us on our salt intake.

    The Food Standards Agency (FSA) has just launched a campaign featuring a rather slimy individual (how appropriate), called Sid the Slug.



    Sid is appearing on billboards and TV ads around the UK, telling us that we eat far too much salt; and that we must cut down on it.

    The main problem with this campaign is that the "evidence" for the damage, that our current level of salt intake does to us, is regarded by some as dubious to say the least.

    Another problem that the current campaign has already encountered, is that people find it hard to accept that a green slimy fat slug has a better "handle" on keeping fit and healthy than the average human being.

    One final point, MP's are not exactly paragons of virtue when it comes to their eating habits; maybe they should take their own medicine first, before lecturing us on what seasoning we should put on our food.