Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Nanny's Doggy Database

Nanny's Doggy DatabaseNanny, as we all know, loves to keep records; records of our movements, records of our TV ownership, records of car ownership, ID records now even records of our DNA are being built up.

However, as with all obsessive compulsives, Nanny is not yet fully satisfied. She has decided to diversify and expand her catalogue of records from not just mere humans, but to dogs as well.

Nanny's chums on the Isle of Man, her Commissioners no less, have decided to start a doggy database for dirty dogs.

Dirty dog owners who fail to clean up after their pooches will now face fines of up to £1000, as a result of DNA testing.

Nanny's Commissioners will conduct a DNA test on every pile of dog waste they find, and use it to track down the culprits.

Nice work if you can get it!

The suspect animal will have its DNA tested, and if the sample of dog excrement matches the hapless pooch, the owner could be fined.

Honest folks, this is not some late April Fool's joke!

The plan has been announced by council bosses in the Malew area, at the island's southern tip.

Commissioners' clerk Dave Barron said:

"I'm fed up with it.

We have tried being nice, putting up posters and talking to people.

Now we are going to take action

if we see anybody breaking a by-law.

But the problem is catching dogs in the act.

If residents want something done, I will do something.

I cannot prosecute without somebody telling me who, where and when.

There is DNA equipment that tests the poo and the dog and matches up the two.

We are not just sitting around waiting for a dog to foul the street.

We can take it further

PC Faith Cooper, from Port Erin police station, said:

"It's a massive problem

You can't walk in a straight line

Only in Britain!

The question is, will those animals who have had their DNA tested but were found to be innocent have their DNA records removed from the central database?

Humans who get tested don't have that right.


  1. Interesting idea but I thought this was reported elsewhere a few months ago. Still, if testing canine DNA I guess that leaves less time for humans.

    Now if they applied it to polluting horses as well they could be on to something.

    And my garden seems to be targetted by the local cats. So we could deal with them.

    And then there is the wildlife - I'm sure a recent spate of deposits all over the lawn at night times must be wildlife. Who could be fined for them?

    And of course birds. Perhaps elements of the bird punishment could be subcontracted to our Europals in France who monitor the migration routes. Otherwise I suppose the RSPB would be a suitable proxy for prosecution.

    You see, it's not just the authorities who have a monopoly on bizarre ideas.

  2. grant1:43 PM

    I have just realised that my previous comment missed a possible trick or two.

    If Nanny were to completely BAN dogs there would be the added benefits (to her) of closing the Hunting with dogs issue once and for all and not having to suffer Crufts every year.

    The only down side would be a lack of tales about brave police dogs and drugs sniffing capabilities but I would imagine there would be exceptions for anything to do with enforcing her will so not really a problem.

  3. Nanny's Commissioners will conduct a DNA test on every pile of dog waste they find, and use it to track down the culprits.

    Nice work if you can get it!

    And who are these lucky individuals whose job description will involve combing the streets for canine "land mines?"

  4. Barbara Woodhouse (dec'd)4:44 PM

    I loathe and detest dogs, which are nothing more than ambulant shit-exuders -- that is, when they're not keeping you awake at 3 a.m. with their cretinous barking. WELL DONE the Isle of Man! Extend the scheme to the mainland a.s.a.p.

  5. I read somewhere in the blogosphere (I've looked but I can't find the source)
    "When humans walk around behind dogs, picking up their poo and putting it in plastic bags then there has been a schism in the evolutionary continuum"

    Our neighbours have a small apartment. They have recently bought a Rottweiler puppy. Sweet Jesus what are these people thinking?

  6. Stew

    In answer to your question, they aren't thinking!

    Fortunately we have Nanny to do that for us:)


  7. I don't see why this is so bad. Dog fouling is one of the most anti-social things it is possible to do (especially for the poor sof who treads in one). As long as the taxpayer doesn't have to foot the bill and only those suspected (with good evidence) of fouling are tested it's quite a good idea.