Oh my word, it has been quite a while since I have awarded my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.This week the award, rather belatedly, goes to Rochdale Council who recently launched a "Salt Awareness Week".
Hmmmm!!!!!!!!
Specifically, the council have become concerned about the amount of salt that people are adding to their fish and chips.
As we know, Nanny hates salt.
The fact that people can die of salt deprivation (eg if they are sweating profusely and don't increase their salt intake, or drink too much water) seems to have escaped Nanny.
Nanny is determined to cut our salt intake.
To this end her chums on Rochdale council have come up with a brilliant solution. They have reduced the number of holes in the traditional chip shop saltshaker from 17to 5.
Brilliant!
The theory being that the less holes, therefore the less salt will be shaken onto the food by the customer when he/she is applying the "salt and vinegar".
Takeaways are being issued with catering-sized salt pots with just five holes in the lid, rather than the usual 17.
Errrmmm OK...but won't people simply shake the new shakers for a longer period, in order to obtain their preferred quantity of salt?
Rochdale Council - Prats of The Week.
Once again Nanny excels herself in her boundless devotion to improve the lot of us miserable proles.
ReplyDeleteI (along with I am sure all of the readers of this blog) have been extremely concerned for some time about the amount of salt being sprinkled over fish and chips in Rochdale and am delighted Nanny has found time to address this most pressing of issues.
Perhaps Nanny has a cunning plan....If we all quietly accept these types of dictats with hardly a moan....then when we have become accustomed to accepting and obeying Nanny's every command, she will bring in the big ones....all work and no play....life is for work so that Nanny can milk her cash cows....as I say, drone workers whose only point and goal in life is to fund Nanny's mad cap schemes....Kerching...There goes that till again!!
ReplyDeleteHas anyone else noticed how many government/government agencies have adverts on TV now? I watched TV last night and I think we had a Nanny ad every break...That's a lot of brainwashing.
Makes you proud to be British doesn't it.
Egad, a terrifying thought has just occured. Might not the chip shop owner simply punch a few more holes in the salt pot in order to actually give the customers what they want on their food? Or might the customers remove the lid and dump a very unhealthy amount of salt on their fish and chips?
ReplyDeleteNanny must ,as a matter of urgency, create a 'Condiment Dispensing Monitor' to visit said chippies (armed with EU approved measuring device and paid for by increased council tax) to ensure that salt is only dispensed via shakers with holes of the approved distance, size twixt holes and flow rate.
Then Nanny can then concentrate on the salt content of salt and the non-slip surfaces of the table from which the salt shaker is placed upon and .....
Of course, if Nanny was consistent in her care for her slaves, she would insist that Rochdale (and other Gulags) adopted the 'No-hole-salt Shaker' wich I am about to patent. This will be filled with pretend salt (at a government-run 'Condiment Standardisation and Distribution Co-ordination Facility') and then sealed.
ReplyDeleteThe merit of my system is that any attempt to punch holes in the shaker will be immediately detectable by number 6's 'Codiment Dispensing Monitors'. And even if the well-known criminal element among Chippy owners were to succeed in making covert holes in the 'salt' dispenser, the result would be to make the fish and chips inedible.
This, in turn, would lead to complaints from the public - the chippy man would be arrested and charged and - of course - heavily fined!
The Result?
More money for Nanny to spend on creating even more lunacy (and a few billion quid for me as the patentee) and the UK just one step closer to Alice's Wonderland.
Grumpy,
ReplyDeleteyou are indeed correct in that Nanny needs to seal approved condinment dispensing units at an approved site of her choice.
Such units should be chip (no pun intended) and pinned to ensure no tampering prior to placement on stated non-slip consumer facing dispensing outlets, previously known as tables.
Alas, self enrichment as to such a plan is not allowed.
Nanny knows best ,afer all, and she is the only one who can profit by such schemes.
THe mind boggles over the level of minutiae the government goes to in trying to control every aspect of the citizenry. As stupid as the salt shaker incident is, there is something unbearably sinister about it.
ReplyDeletenumber 6;
ReplyDeleteyou said '...self enrichment as to such a plan is not allowed."
I have already let it be known among government circles that I shall generously (and anonymously) be donating several of the quids I receive for my invention to a fund called 'The Guaranteed Untraceable Back-pocket Cash Charity for Hard-up, Very Greedy, or Simply Stupid NuLab Politicians'
I have already received assurances that my plan will be fully supported by Nanny's Parliamentary followers (since they all fall into one or other of the above categories). I have even been given several hundred brown envelopes.
So, as you can see, I fully expecct to receive my just reward.
(Keep quiet about it and I might even slip you a few thou').
I can only conclude that Nanny objects to her diktats being taken with a grain of salt.
ReplyDeleteI have on my kitchen table a salt shaker, purchased with an accompanying pepper dispenser, offering three holes - works fine, thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd why the worry, anyway? Yes, salt used to be reported in the press as causing and/or worsening hypertension. But the original scare reporting left out a bit of info: the problem occurred in people of eastern African descent. Not northern, estern, southern, or non-African... And later research largely disputes it in any case.
I eat three squares a day, drink truly copious amounts of Tetley's Bitter and do little exercise apart from a bit of gentle walking at weekends.
ReplyDeleteOn Tuesday the doctor looked at my piss and said I had no signs of disease, especially not diabetes, then he looked at my blood pressure and pronounced it 'excellent'.
Nanny is full of crap.
It is far healthier to genuinely njoy what you eat, drink and do, and keep a level head, than to rush about trying to defeat time with the attitude and nervousness of a spotty fanatic.
Let me get this straight..
ReplyDeleteThe Government is going to issue fish and chip shops with salt shakers.
Have you Great Brits all gone bat-shit, barking nuts?
Why do you put up with this?
If I ran a chippie and some government type came in and issued my with an "approved" salt shaker, I might shove the said salt shaker somewhere really painful.
Citizens cease your prattling at once.
ReplyDeleteNanny is coming round to administer a good dose of castor oil via an approved dosing agent.
Then you will all be sent to bed without your fish and chip tea, you naughty little children.
Grumpy,
ReplyDeleteSelf enrichment is frowned upon by nanny's bestest chums in New Labour. As good socialists they believe (along with Nanny) that wealth must be redistributed - that redistribution works thus: Nanny takes is from your family income and gives it to the politicians and their famalies some of whose members work for up to 1 hour a week for their salaries.
Oh, I forgot some of it can go to the local Chavs support network and any other pet project Nanny has on the go.
Now get back to work, Nanny MCBrown needs the money.
Number 6,
ReplyDeleteYou are not - I hope - suggesting that the politicians with whom I have been in negotiation have actually been lying to me?
Their names all begin with, 'The Honourable', or even, 'The Right Honourable', surely you understand that means that they wouldn't actually lie to me, or anyone?
What on Earth could have made you so cynical about Nanny's finest servants?
I seem to remember that I used to think in the same way as you until, some years ago, I was given the opportunity to attend one of Nanny's 'Voluntary Personality Restructuring and Anti-Establishment Thought-pattern Reorganisation Unit' workshops.
Almost as soon as I was collected by my new friends (in very attractive black uniforms) at 3:00 am, and they had gently helped me to join the other twenty volunteers in the back of the closed van (also a very attractive and shiny black), I began to revise my opinion of our Great Patriotic Nanny.
I was immediately impressed that, to ensure our safety, the SS (Student Services) men helped us to strap ourselves in our seats with our seat chains - a much more secure version of seat belts. So you can see that our SS friends have been extremely helpful to us right from the start.
Nanny was right about the old me in every respect: Hair is used to demonstrate vanity and individuality, so shaving my head was good for me; clothing likewise, so giving me and all my other friends nice grey uniforms (with numbers on so we couldn't lose them) was particularly helpful. As one too often forgets, life is a painful thing - so the regular reminders given by our SS 'mentors' were absolutely necessary. I can't quite remember why we have our vitamin injections three times a day, but I'm sure it's for our own good.
I'm a much better person now; I have a secure job (creating hole-free salt shakers), I have a lovely warm insulated apartment (what some of my friends jokingly call 'a padded cell'), I eat regularly and the daily little tussles we have with the dogs to see which of us gets the best bits is quite good exercise. I'm even told that - now I am almost cured - I should be able to see 'my family' (whatever that means) one day: and I do have that promise of billions of pounds coming to me for my invention!
Life is good. So stop being so negative, Nanny really DOES know best.
Morons. You'll be the first to cry when your heart conks out.
ReplyDeleteNo one has to do anything they don't want in this life.You'd moan if nothing was done.
You're hardly major researchers.
Anon 4:46,
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't wish to appear pedantic, and I certainly wouldn't want to suggest that it might be you who is the moron, but would one really be able to cry when one's heart had 'conked out'?
Incidentally, as many a convicted paedophile, murderer, rapist or one of a vast numbers of other people who commit acts outside the law would affirm, we often have to do things we don't want to do, or accept the consequences: It's called 'living in society'.
Anon:4:46
ReplyDelete"No one has to do anything they don't want in this life.You'd moan if nothing was done."
You obviously don't live in Nanny's Britain if you believe that.
One example of many, I don't want to pay council tax....can I opt out of that? No.
As a retired nurse, I can confirm that you would be unable to cry if your heart has conked out.
My Dear Grumpy,
ReplyDeleteYou have finally come to the truth. May I invite Ken all the other miscreants on this site to join us in front of the telescreen and raise our glasses of EU approved Victory Gin as we watch Celebrity Big Brother on Ice Skating with the Spice Girls on ice and well skates as we say, with tears running down our faces, and glasses held high "We love Big Nanny."
Oh number 6,
ReplyDeleteHow I wish that I could join you in the glorious celebration you describe; fortunately my friends from Student Services (SS) revoked my 'Television Watching Permit' on the night I watched an advert for something called 'Saxa Salt', they told me that it was pornographic.
I was OK though, they kindly gave me two extra vitamin injections on the following day so that I could overcome any possible ill-effects.
I can't quite seem to recall what this gin stuff is that you mention, but I would certainly join you in a loyal toast to Big Nanny.
'if nothing was done'.
ReplyDeleteThe obscenity in the applied delicacy of this phrase has been the nauseous mechanism for the growth of repression in Britain for more than a hundred years.
The implication is that 'something' should be 'done'.
By others to others.
Implying 'disinterest'.
For their own good.
Implying 'benevolence'.
Lies and lying liars, one and all. In the instant they begin.