Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Nanny Bans Swords

Nanny Bans Swords
Oh dear, Nanny really has trouble distinguishing between what is important and what is trivial.

It seems that Nanny's dreaded health and Safety Gestapo have put their size ten jackboots into the affairs of The Carnon Downs Drama Group (at Perranwell Cornwall).

The group are performing Robinson Crusoe, but have had to adjust their security arrangements a little bit as the Health and Safety Gestapo don't like the fact that the play requires the use of plastic swords.

They have been told by Nanny to lock up its two plastic cutlasses, six wooden swords and a toy gun when they are not in use and appoint a "responsible guardian" for them.

The group, because of 'elf and safety diktats, were forced to report to the police that they were using replica weapons.

Nanny's finest then had to issue them the rather absurd instructions about locking the plastic weapons up.

The rather odd thing is that the frying pans, used as weapons in the play, are not considered dangerous.

A co-director, Linda Barker, said:

"In some scenes pirates hit each other with frying pans and saucepan lids but there's no problem with them.

We have got several wooden and plastic swords, two plastic spears and a gun that cost £2 from a joke shop. But now we need to keep them locked away

As ever, Nanny ensures that only the most important and pressing issues are regulated and enforced.



  1. track rat10:41 AM

    Toy weapons only encourage violence - I should know as a child I had the complete Man From U.N.C.L.E kit, with gun, badge, knife etc plus some cowboy outfits with two six guns and a cap rifle.

    As a result of exposure to these highly inappropriate toys I became a serial killer and am now in a top security mental prison.

    Nanny must stop this happening again, by sending her agents into every kids bedroom in the land to monitor the toy box and provide lock ups for plastic guns, swords etc. Counselling must also be made available to those exposed to the toy weapons and then we may all rest easier in our beds knowing that the streets of our country are going to be so free of gun crime, that even the Home Sec can grab a healthy kebab without fear of getting shot by someone who once played with a James Bond 007 toy gun.

    Nanny, if only I had listened to you as a child, but it is not too late to save the rest of the country's children.

  2. What a load of crap!!

    Following this to it's logical conclusion, I hope the pirates are going to be wearing safety goggles, hard hats, toetectors and fluoresent clothing during the play in case someone gets hurt.

    Makes you proud to be British doesn't it.

  3. grumpy3:09 PM

    Has anyone concerned themselves about the delicate sensibilities of real pirates?
    As a minority group they really do need protection from piratists: I think Nanny should close the whole show down and prosecute the miscreants.

  4. skydog3:26 PM

    And all I ever wanted from life was a 'Johnny Seven'

    But my mum couldn't afford one. :o(

    I've seen one on eBay for £350.00 ... So I still can't afford one :o(

    How am I ever to become an infamous mass murderer when society is conspiring against me?

  5. Anonymous6:47 PM

    Nanny is also trying to close down the re-enactment groups. Here in Manchester (Democratic Peoples Republic of) the Sealed Knot (the English Civil War re-enactors and thorougly nice bods (no I'm not a member!)) were faced with massive restrictions over the "Gun Culture" and risk if their Matchlock Muskets being used in robberies. I've seen many things but those muskets are not exactly going to appeal to thugs who regulary use automatic weapons.
    Remember they tried to ban the Army marching on Rememberance Day with their rifles "because it would encourage a gun culture" In the case of the Army I should hope so!

  6. I wanted all sorts of toys when I was a kid; we couldn't afford them either. Cowboy suit?
    Dream on.
    But here where I live there is a model shop with an Airfix Vulcan V-Bomber in the window.
    I might just buy it, build the version with the nuclear missile underneath, and then get elected to parliament, or otherwise steal the missile codes and go right ahead and bomb Russia and Camden off the face of the Earth.

  7. grumpy11:36 PM

    Right idea; wrong target: aim for Westminster.

  8. number 69:45 AM


    Alas, I too wanted a cowboy suit when I was growing up, but as nanny did not provide for such things back then (as we all know relative poverty is nanny's new catch phrase, so she must supply the chavs with 43" plasma tellys etc) so I had to make do with a soppy hat that sort of looked like a cowboy hat.

    I think that is why I now spend my weekends dressed as a Cowboy in a Village People tribute band - Nanny clearly let me down, but on the plus side I have met some interesting new friends since donning the costume. yeee hah!

  9. Pietr and Number6

    On the subject of costumes etc

    When I was 6 or 7, my dad brought me back a complete Sheikh costume from the Persian Gulf.

    No scimitar though!


  10. number 610:11 AM


    Nanny salutes you (salutation available in 85 different langauges from your local council) and your family for embracing multiculturalism at an early age.

    Your sheikh costume was all the better as it did not come with a sword, which if it did would directly imply that followers of a middle eastern religion might be prone to beheading people for trivial offences and er ...

  11. Ken, I do hope you yelled 'Marhabba' when dad came through the door, and then 'Shukran' when he gave you the outfit.
    Eventually my misspent youth was misspent making hundreds of Airfix models, all of which I bought myself.
    And of course, I worked for the money, mowing lawns, painting houses and washing cars.
    A good preparation for life, although many modern English people seem to think that sort of approach should be looked down on.
    Hence 'earnings' replaced by 'rewards' in the vernacular.
    (By the way, after all those model planes I went on to earn a First in Engineering).

  12. Pietr is obviously a reactionary facist war-monger and a "snob"...thicko-speak for anyone who can spell of without a "v".

    Personaly, given that you are safer and better looked after in one of Her Majesty's Hotels than on your local high street ( I should know, I work in one!), I'd tell the local soviet that I have no intention of locking up my plastic sword and could they please send me to my local "Butlins" because I'd love to watch a wide screen TV and can't afford one.

  13. number 612:29 PM


    You are obviously a fascist tool of the establishment, man. As Nanny will tell you nobody is to blame for their personal behaviour and the fact that they end up in prison is because someone (who goes to work every day) has a house that they had to rob, due to their social disadvantage, and money in their wallet that needed to be liberated for their completely understandable and indeed legitimate need for some more weed and Stella.

    Shame on you for being so judgemental on those banged up by our uncaring state.