Nanny's Charitable Inclinations

Nanny loves charities, nothing gives her more pleasure than helping the needy and the poor. As such we should not be surprised to hear that Nanny's special little friend, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, made a generous donation to charity last year.

The donation was to cover the cost of the freebie accommodation in the States provided to Prescott by Philip Anshutz, the owner of the much maligned Millennium Dome.

Being a modest sort of chap Prescott has not revealed how much he donated.

Oddly enough, he also neglected to mention that fact that the donation did not come out of his pocket, but out of the taxpayers'.

Twat!

Tuck Off!

Full marks to William Guntrip (13), an enterprising lad who has become rather fed up with Nanny's lectures on healthy eating.

He set up a playground sweet shop to counteract Nanny's 'overpriced health food'.

Master Guntrip was raking in more than £50 a day, selling chocolate bars and fizzy drinks to other pupils at Sponne School Towcester during break times.

Good to see that we are still breeding entrepreneurs in this country.

Unfortunately, Nanny does not approve of individualism or entrepreneurs. The school, which has banned sweets from vending machines and filled the canteen with healthy options, says he will be expelled if he does not shut up shop.

Twats!

William had set up shop after his father, Glyn, promised to give up smoking if he could make £1,000 through his own business.

Master William said:

"I can't believe it;

I don't see what I've done wrong,

it's not illegal.

Even some of the teachers have been buying from me.

The food at lunchtimes is rubbish.

It's all pasta and vegetables, there's no meat.

I don't mind some healthy stuff

but it costs too much money and there's not enough choice.

Now they've taken away all my stock."

I think he should raise the matter of theft of stock with the police, that is after all a criminal offence isn't it?

Feel free to drop the school a line with your thoughts on the matter: Info@sponneschool.northants.sch.uk

Nanny Bans Bollocks

Those of you with long memories, may recall that Nanny's police force got themselves into rather a tiz last year over a certain T shirt that said "Bollocks to Blair".

Would you believe it, they are at it again?

This time a Leicestershire trader has been fined for displaying shirts bearing the same slogan.

Seemingly Norfolk police apprehended Mr Wright when he was flogging the shirts at the Royal Norfolk Show. He was told that they could "cause alarm or even distress".

Have you ever heard anything more daft?

Well yes you have, last year in fact!

Anyhoo, he was given a £80 fixed penalty notice for causing harassment, alarm and distress; which he intends to challenge.

I assume Nanny's henchmen will soon be knocking at my door over the Prescott Thongs etc.

Big Brother

1984 was not just the pigment (yes I know!...just me amusing myself with a play on words) of George Orwell's imagination, it seems to be becoming reality.

Nanny has decided to formalise the surveillance of all children, including information on whether they eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

The new Big Brother monitoring system comes in the form of a £224M database, which will track all 12 million children in England and Wales from birth.

Nanny expects that the system will go live within two years; given how crappy Nanny is at implementing IT systems, we can safely assume that this deadline will slip somewhat!

The system will require doctors, schools and the police to alert Nanny about a wide range of "concerns". Two warning flags on a child's record could start an investigation.

There will also be a system of targets and performance indicators for children's development. Children's services have been told to work together to make sure that targets are met.

God only knows what they are!

Dr Eileen Munro, of the LSE, is not happy and notes that if a child failed to make progress towards state targets, detailed information would be gathered. That would include subjective judgements such as "Is the parent providing a positive role model?", as well as sensitive information such as a parent's mental health.

Dr Munro said:

"They include consuming five portions of fruit and veg a day,

which I am baffled how they will measure.

The country is moving from

'parents are free to bring children up as they think best

as long as they are not abusive or neglectful'

to a more coercive

'parents must bring children up to conform

to the state's views of what is best'."

Dr Munro makes a very good, and indeed obvious point, how the hell do you measure if children are eating 5 portions of fruit and veg?

Bowel exams maybe?

The Children Act 2004 gave the Government the powers to create the database.

Arch, the children's rights organisation, put it succinctly:

"Government databases have a dreadful record."

Nanny's lackeys in the Department for Education and Skills said:

"Parents and young people will be able to ask to see their data

and make amendments

and will retain full rights under the Data Protection Act."

By then it will be too late, their child will have been carted off by Nanny's child catchers.

Young MacDonald

Young MacDonald had f**k
Ee aye ee aye oh
And from that f**k he had a kid
Ee aye ee aye oh
With a f**k f**k here
And a f**k f**k there
Here a kid
There a kid
Everywhere, a kid kid
Young MacDonald had a f**k
Ee aye ee aye oh

Congratulations to young Keith MacDonald, 21 of Washington Tyne and Wear, who is the true son of Nanny's Britain. MacDonald has been f**king for Nanny on a truly heroic scale, and has managed to produce 6 kids with 6 different women in the last 7 years (that means he started when he was 14).

The good news is that brat number 7 is on its way, from woman number 7. Doesn't he now have half the cast for a musical?

How can he, and these dim witted females, afford to live in this manner?

Easy, Nanny (well we the taxpayers actually) pay for him and his harem. The cost is estimated to be around 1M per annum.

What does daddy MacDonald do with his time?

Plays the slots in amusement arcades, needless to say he has no job.

Makes you feel proud to be British doesn't it?

What is the solution to this situation?

1 Sterilisation, or

2 Cut off the benefits of the father and the 7 mothers

I do not recommend the first, as it is a very dangerous route down which some very unpleasant regimes have walked.

Scumbags Come First

Heh Hoh!

What a funny old country we live in. There was I thinking that criminals are meant to be apprehended by Nanny's police, when in fact that is not the police mission at all.

Their mission, in fact, is to safeguard the health and safety of scumbags.

Max Foster discovered this to his cost on Tuesday in Bath. He is an 18 year old person, not a criminal (contrary to what Nanny would have you believe about teenagers) but a law abiding member of the public, who saw three scumbags steal his moped.

Needless to say, Max called plod, who amazinglyu turned up in time to be able to give chase. Max expected plod to give chase, and apprehend said scumbags.

Big mistake!

Plod refused to give chase.

Why?

The scumbags were not wearing helmets, and plod was worried that if said scumbags fell off the bike and injured themselves they would sue.

Nanny's chums in Avon and Somerset Police said the safety of both the offenders and the public had to be considered.

Mr Foster was unimpressed:

"They said:

'If they haven't got a helmet on,

we can't pursue them.

We can't risk a law suit.

We'd get sued if they fell off and hurt themselves'".

He went on to make the following very astute observation:

"I can't believe it, to tell the truth,

because all the bike thieves know that,

so that's what they do and they're laughing at the police.

They've found a loophole in the law that means they can do exactly what they want."

Inspector Tim House of Avon and Somerset Police said:

"We must first consider the safety of the public at large,

the time of day,

number of people around,

are there any pedestrians or young children playing nearby?"

What the hell has that got to do with the scumbags wearing helmets or not?

Farking stupid!