Madness

I see that collectively as a country we have taken one further step towards being declared insane.

Simon Cremer, who runs a flooring firm in Witham, discovered in October 2008 that one of his staff (Mark Gilbert) had written out a company cheque for £845 to himself and had taken it to Cash Converters.

Mr Cremer decided to take Gilbert to the police station, and paraded him through the streets of Witham with a cardboard sign which read:

"Thief. I stole £845 am on my way to the police station."

Gilbert admitted to the crime, and was let off with a caution.

Can you guess what happened to Mr Cremer children?

Yes, that's right, he was charged with false imprisonment (a case which collapsed in December 2008).

Roll forward to 2011, and Mr Cremer has ended up having to pay £5K compensation and £8K in court costs to Gilbert (who was to sue him for "distress").

Mr Cremer felt that he had no option but to settle out of court, as the fees he expected to incur would have been in the region of at least £25K.

I have said before on this site that bringing back the Stocks (and their equivalent) would be an effective means of dealing with certain types of crime and anti social behaviour.

Had Nanny followed my policy, Mr Cremer would not have had to pay out £13K.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Psst...Wanna Buy Some Tamiflu?...Going Cheap!

I understand that our glorious leader, having once sold a large amount of our gold reserves off at a knock down price (at the bottom of the market), is about to flog off some large stocks of flu retrovirus treatments (Tamiflu et al).

Oddly enough, Nanny's predicted Swine Flu epidemic didn't quite kill off vast swathes of the population. Nanny is now sitting on vast stockpiles of Tamiflu etc, which of course she will not be able to sell at the price she bought them for.

Someone, somewhere, did very well out of this "epidemic". However, it certainly wasn't the British taxpayer!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

You Know When You've Been ASBO'd

I see Nanny has introduced yet another variant on ASBOs, her preferred method of "punishing" knobheads and assorted twatery (or is it twattery?), Drinking Banning Orders (DBOs).

These so called "booze ASBOs" in theory are meant to prevent a persistent drunken twat head offender from visiting a pub, club, off licence, ban them from certain parts of a town and from drinking alcohol in public.

Police and local authorities can apply to a magistrate for a DBO if an individual, aged 16 or over, is regularly committing crime or anti-social behaviour while under the influence of alcohol.

All very well, but how exactly is the owner of a pub meant to know if his customer has a DBO or not.

Completely unenforceable in its current form.

I suggest that Nanny follows the recommendation that I made in August 2007 wrt drunken yobbery:

Drunken yobbery can be resolved by a session in the stocks, and by the tattooing (for say a month) on the foreheads of the yobs the following phrase:

"I am a drunken yob"

Any shop or pub found serving people with said tattoo on their heads, would immediately lose their licence.

This is the way to handle the yobs!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Swine Flu - The Leaflet Arrives

Yesterday the Frost residence, along with households across the country, received Nanny's Swine Flu leaflet.

Cue a roll on the drums!



Dear oh dear what a waste of time, effort and our money!

I have scan read it, and am far from impressed. Here are a few thoughts as to why it is bollocks:

1 It has clearly been written by a committee of "fearful" risk averse people, determined not to let any potential issue go unmentioned.

2 At ten pages it is too long, and won't be read by those who may well actually need to be told to wash their hands and catch their sneezes in their handkerchiefs.

3 The salient points, about symptoms and washing hands etc, don't appear until page six and onwards. Most people will have given up by page two. The salient points must appear on page one!

4 It directs the reader to a number of websites depending on geographical location (England, wales and Northern Ireland each have two). Not only is this confusing, it is quite unnecessary and a duplication of resources. Why not have a one simple one page website that lists symptoms, preventions and what to do?

5 Page four is a self congratulatory advert for Nanny, telling us that she has enough stocks of Tamiflu and Relenza for 50% of the UK. All very well, but the reality is that 50% is the combined holding of Tamiflu and Relenza; Tamiflu will be the first line of defence, if that doesn't work then Relenza is used.

6 Page two says that no one has immunity.

Complete bollocks!

Genetically speaking there will always be individuals who are resistant to new diseases, whatever they may be. Scaremongering of the worst sort!

7 Page ten offers the leaflet in Welsh. Given that this is a supposed "public health emergency", wasting time and money on producing leaflets, as a pc sop, for people who speak English perfectly well is absolutely scandalous.

In a real crisis all such pc pretensions would be thrown out of the window, and those who came up with such nonsense taken out and shot.

8 In the event that Swine Flu is here to stay, then the likely peak will be in winter. Nanny, by going into overdrive now, has lessened the effectiveness of any campaign that she may have to mount in winter if, and it is a big IF, Swine Flu takes a foothold in winter.

9 This is simply a self serving exercise by Nanny to show that she is busy, and to take our minds off other issues.

A pox upon the leaflet, and upon Nanny!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

The Trouble With Gin

What is a gentleman of my quality, such as myself, meant to do when confronted with the frim task of having to travel on Network Snail?

Well, in theory, the answer is simple; buy a large gin and tonic from one of Network Snail's purveyors of food and drink and consume it on the train.

Ah, if only life were that simple!

Last Friday evening, I had cause to leave Croyodonia and travel to Londinium.

On platform 1 of East Croydonia station I went to the SSP outlet to buy a gin and tonic.

SSP, on their website, describe themselves as follows:

"SSP is the leading dedicated operator of food and beverage brands in travel locations worldwide. We have a long heritage in food and travel, with over 60 years experience in the industry.

All our operations feature a mix of food and beverage brands tailored specifically for each location."

Pah!

It should come as no surprise to you to learn that their "expertise" does not extend to having sufficient stocks of gin and tonic to sate my needs.

Indeed, SSP's outlet in the hinterlands of Croydonia has been bereft of gin and tonic for the last 7 weeks. Despite the fact that I have complained and filled in numerous "customer care" forms, they still have failed to replenish stocks.

They are to be congratulated, for they have now been awarded my prestigious "Worse Than WorthlessAward".

However, I digress, allow me to get to the point.

I made do with buying a vodka and tonic.

SSP, being completely useless, did not even have a plastic cup for me to drink this from, but instead proffered me a waxed paper coffee cup!

Good grief!

As I consumed my vodka from this waxed receptacle, I read the following waring:

"Caution contents hot"

Why does Nanny think that people need a warning that a coffee cup would contain a hot liquid?

What possible added value does this warning convey?

What use was it to me with my vodka and tonic?

What a bunch of pussies we have become!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

What The Fark?

Nanny seems to be losing all sense of proportion these days, when it comes to applying the law in a sensible and proportionate manner.

A 16 year old schoolboy, who was being a tosser/thug and ripped a girl's plastic bag (damage 1p), was hauled through the courts on charges of criminal damage; the cost to the taxpayer being £5K.

The 16 year old pleaded guilty to snatching a carrier bag from a 13 year old girl and breaking its handles.

Magistrates ordered him to complete six hours' community work, after hearing that the incident left the girl too scared to walk to school.

I don't excuse this act of thuggery for one moment, and fully believe that the 16 year old needs to be taught a lesson. However, did that lesson really need to be imparted by police officers, Crown Prosecution Service staff and lawyers, court workers, officials and magistrates over two separate hearings?

This sort of case validates the argument that I have put forward before, namely that we should bring back the stocks and publicly humiliate little shits this.

There is no need for the full apparatus of the state to be employed in a lengthy and expensive criminal prosecution. The teenager admitted that he had done it, and could be placed in the stocks immediately to take his punishment.

Am I right, or am I right?

Patronising Bastards!

Our old "friends" in the Health and Safety Gestapo are up to their old tricks again.

This time they have put their interfering size 10's into the positioning of a bench for a bus stop.

Helen Greenough and Vera Clews had been badgering Stoke-on-Trent City Council for two years to install a bench, so that they could rest their legs as they waited at their nearest bus stop.

Two years on, and it finally arrived.

One small problem, the dimwits in the council (local councils, what are they good for?) installed it back to front; so that it faces a hedge, rather than the road.

The elderly passengers who use the bust stop are getting stiff necks from having to look over their shoulders all the time, to see if the bus is coming. When they do spot the bus, they often can't get round the bench quickly enough in order to catch it.

Now why did Stoke-on-Trent City Council put the bench back to front?

Health and Farking Safety!

Quote:

"The bench was put in this position

because it would be dangerous to have it facing the road.

Some elderly people are unsteady on their feet

and would risk falling into the road or getting

splashed if it was facing the road."

For fark's sake!

How many elderly people are falling over in front of buses in this country?

Mrs Greenough and Mrs Clews said the position of the bench on the Leek Road was "ridiculous". Mrs Greenough, 84, said it had become a "laughing stock".

Quote:

"We are nearly all pensioners on this road

and the bus only comes every 85 minutes

so you can be waiting a long time.

I've been on at the council for almost

two years trying to get this bench put in,

but if they can't do it right then they might

as well take it away.

There is nothing wrong with me,

I'm perfectly capable of getting on a bus without

falling into the road.

We are not all doddery old dears".

Nanny and her minions really are a bunch of patronising bastards!

By the way, it cost £50 to fix the bench in place. However, in order for it to be turned around it will cost £1000.

What a great country we live in!

The Dangers of Sausages

It is refreshing to see that Nanny's police and justice system are focusing their attention precisely on the issues that matter, namely sausage throwing.

Nanny has brought a 12 year old boy to trial for assault.

Fair enough, I hear you say.

Except that the weapon he used to "assault" his victim with was a cocktail sausage, which he threw at an elderly neighbour and which hit him on the shoulder.

When the boy appeared at a youth court in Manchester, the judge said he could not believe the case had been brought before him.

The boy pleaded not guilty.

District judge Tim Devas said:

"I was brought up in the era of Just William.

You may not remember it, but this incident sounds similar.

If he has done what was suggested, it is very bad behaviour.

But is it in the public interest to prosecute

a 12-year-old boy who threw a sausage?"

The alleged incident is said to have taken place on Aug 11 in Wythenshawe, Manchester, when the victim was walking home after visiting a pub. He claims that the boy threw the sausage after a disagreement.

Officers from the Greater Manchester police visited the boy's home, where he was arrested, photographed and fingerprinted.

Dianne Oliver, prosecuting, said that the Crown Prosecution Service would review the charge.

Quite!

Whilst the boy should be dealt with by his parents for being disrespectful, and for being a bloody nuisance (he has 3 reprimands apparently, therefore he is no angel); the state has no business bringing him to trial for this (cost so far £2K), when there are herds of scum bags allowed to create merry hell in neighbourhoods without so much as a sniff of a policeman coning into view.

this is precisely why we should bring back the stocks. The boy, if guilty, could then be dealt with to everyone's satisfaction without the need for this absurd overreaction.

Prats of The Week

It's Monday morning folks, and you know that that means don't you?

Yes, that right, it's time once again for my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week's award goes to...yes, you've a guessed it....a local council!

How terribly predictable.

Isn't it about time that these failed bodies were put out of our misery once and for all, and a totally new system devised for local governance that is efficient, cost effective and accountable?

FYI, re "accountable" see what my local council (Croydon) has been up to with a property developer (CATARENA)

Anyhoo, I digress, the winners this week are two councils Blackburn and Darwen Council, who recently moved to smash a sinister counterfeit note operation that had been uncovered in Blackburn and Darwen.

Tow stores in the the towns had been discovered holding large stocks of counterfeit notes.

Very vigilant of the councils, I hear you say.

Unfortunately, there is one small fly in their oinkment. The notes were five, £10, £20 and £50, and were sold at four for a pound.

So far so good.

But.......The notes had the Queen's head replaced with a variety of pictures including Dr Who, David Beckham, Winnie the Pooh to Elvis and the Beatles.

Ahah!

Can you see the problem here?

Yes, that's right, the notes were novelty notes not counterfeits.

That didn't deter Nanny, her chums in the trading standards department insisted that the cash' could be mistaken for real money; and that it was a breach of the law to re-produce bank notes without the permission of the Bank of England.

The owner of store in Darwen from when they were taken, the Mega Pound Store, said there was no way it could be mistaken for real cash and that the "funny money" had been popular with children.

Quote:

"It's just funny money.

You can easily tell the difference

between these novelty notes and real ones.

We bought them in good faith and

they were a cracking line.

The kids loved them.

It's just political correctness gone mad.

There's no point arguing because

I am not going to get them back.

The guy I bought them from can't understand

why they are illegal."

Trading standards officers are still investigating the source of the notes, and are yet to decide whether to take further action.

Potty!

Surely there are more important issues to address?

Congrats to Blackburn and Darwen Council for their well deserved award!

Nanny Bans Barometers

Once considered to be a harmless, and rather quaint, object in people's homes; the barometer is now deemed by Nanny, and her acolytes, to be a major threat to mankind.

This time Nanny is being helped in her evil work by the "mother of all Nanny's"; the interfering, overpaid, unwanted, ineffective, bureaucratic and totally useless members of the European parliament.

(Editor's note: please feel free to add to the list of adjectives to describe the European parliament, and it's members).

Euro MPs (God bless their little cotton socks!) have decided to ban traditional barometers.

For why? I hear you ejaculate over your banned eggs (can I use the word ejaculate at this time of the morning?).

I shall tell you.

Barometers contain mercury, mercury is evil; therefore barometers must be banned.

The EU, dear readers, is working on banning all products containing mercury in the EU.

Personally I don't know what the fuss is about, I well remember playing with mercury in the school labs (rolling little globules of the stuff around the lab work surfaces etc); as you can see, it never did me any harm!

Anyhoo, Nanny Knows Best!

The EU's environment committee has rejected a bid to exclude barometers from the ban, needless to say the ban will also affect thermometers (what are you mean to insert into your orifices now, to check your temperature with?) and blood pressure gauges.

An amendment to the law supporting the continued manufacture of mercury barometers was passed in the European Parliament last November, but not supported by the member states.

Kudos to one member of the EU parliament who shows some vague signs of intelligence, British Conservative MEP Martin Callanan, he said:

"So the many thousands of people

up and down the country that have

an existing barometer cannot get it

repaired and will therefore throw it

away which will result in more

mercury entering the environment."

Quite!

Where exactly is one meant to dispose of one's stock of mercury then?

Should I pour mine down the toilet then?

Should I sell it to a third world country?

The people need answers!

British Labour MEP, Linda McAvan, true to form as an acolyte of Nanny welcomed the ban:

"Research has shown that even at low doses

mercury is extremely harmful to human health."

Madam, I refer you to my comment earlier about playing with mercury in the school labs.

On the subject of harmful substances, that I don't notice Nanny rushing to ban, what about the emissions from car engines?

That, I guarantee you, does more harm to our health and the health of the young than any number of mercury barometers.

Will Nanny be banning cars, car fumes and emissions?

Will she fark!

Once the legislation is adopted, manufacturers will have two years to switch to alternative ways of making thermometers, barometers, blood pressure gauges, marine instruments, and devices such as hygrometers for measuring humidity.

Some wall clocks have also traditionally been made with mercury.

The EU claim that it will not be illegal to own an old mercury barometer.

Pah!

I spit upon their promises!

How long will they keep their word on that then?

ASBO's R Us

It should come as no surprise whatsoever to learn that Nanny's much vaunted Anti Social Behaviour Scheme (ASBO) has become something of a "must have badge of honour" amongst many of the teenagers of Britain.

Although Nanny is totally enamored of her "brilliant" idea, youth workers, some judges and magistrates have serious reservations about ASBOs. They believe that they are being overused, because they require a lower level of evidence than bringing a full prosecution in court.

ASBOs were introduced in 1999, by the end of September 2005 7,356 had been imposed. Breaching an order can lead to a jail term.

Seemingly 49% of ASBOs given to under 18s had been breached, with the majority flouting them on more than one occasion.

One magistrate is quoted as saying in a recent report on ASBOs:

"It's being used as a badge of honour."

Parents and carers of teenagers handed the orders said that they were viewed as a "diploma" and boosted the miscreant's "street cred".

Research conducted by the Policy Research Bureau and the National Association for the Care and Resettlement of Offenders quoted one mother with 3 sons:

"Some of the friends are left out now because they are not on an ASBO.

I think they all want one.

It's like a new street cred."

I would have thought that it was bleedin' obvious that this would happen!

The solution to teenage "issues", for want of a better word (I have no intention of following Nanny's reasoning that all teenagers are yobs), is as follows:

• Parents need to take a proactive, hands on role in the lives of their children. Letting children hang out on street corners all day and all night, or stuffing their rooms full of gadgets so as to avoid interacting with them is lazy parenting.
  
  Despite what Nanny's education system is trying to do to the brains of children, children are not stupid; they pick up very quickly that they are not wanted (be it because they are left to hang around on street corners, or because they packed off to numerous after school activities). Children need interaction with their parents and the guidance that only a parent can offer. Those parents who say that this is too hard should ask themselves why they had children in the first place.



• Local pubs and clubs should start to offer what was once common place, boxing lessons for youths. These were an effective means of channeling the aggression of a hormone bloated male, and an excellent means of instilling a sense of self discipline and pride.



• Where the above fails, and the teenagers "run amok", put the offenders in the stocks and humiliate them. Nothing curtails a teenager's ego, and dampens his "rumbustuousness", like a bit of humiliation.

Problem solved!

Prats of The Week

My prestigious "Prats of The Week Award" goes to Nanny's chums in the North Yorkshire Police Authority, they have succeeded in splurging £28K of taxpayers' money on the construction of a shower for Della Cannings, the Chief Constable of North Yorkshire Police.

Yes folks, you did read this correctly, £28K!

That must be one hell of a shower.

Anyhoo it seems that this little story has caused something of a stir, North Yorkshire MP Phil Willis said that the cost of Chief Constable Cannings' new shower was "ridiculous" and warned North Yorkshire Police was in danger of becoming "a laughing stock".

No kidding?

The cost of this plumbing job was brought to light by the good people of the Yorkshire Post, who had to threaten the force with a complaint to the Information Commissioner after their initial request via the Freedom of Information Act was ignored.

Don't you think it funny that in order for the taxpayers to find out how wasteful Nanny is, the Freedom of information Act has to be used?

Don't you think that it is even more funny, that the North Yorkshire police then tried to ignore this act?

Pathetic!

However, the "good old boys" in the police were still not that forthcoming with information (why should they be?..they are there to enforce the law, not uphold or follow it themselves!).

Seemingly, although the Yorkshire Post were given details of the £28K bill from Blyth-based contractor D Wilkinson, there were no rival quotations or any information which suggests any tendering process for the work.

Ms Cannings, rather incongruously, has now announced a full inquiry into what had been uncovered.

An investigation by her own force, into herself and the actions of her force?

Yes, that will work!

The investigation will focus on whether there has been "proper application of public money" in relation to the "planning, inception and project management" of the refurbishment for the en-suite shower at her office in the force headquarters at Newby Wiske, Northallerton.

It will also look at "any wider implications of the evidence gathered" to see if there are "consequences" for the "fitness for purpose" of the police authority's contractual arrangements.

Now call me stupid...

"Ken you're stupid"...

but who the fark pays £28K for a shower?

You don't need an investigation, common sense dictates that £28K is way too much for a shower. Either there has been fraud, or else massive incompetence; either way, heads must roll.

Even Ms Cannings seems a tad "surprised" at the cost, in an email she tells the force's finance director, Joanna Carter, that she "cannot believe" the amount involved and declares it "a very serious matter" requiring full investigation.

The sound of arse being covered fills the air.

Seemingly, Ms Cannings is of the view that the figure originally quoted was "around £6K".

Quote:

"How come I am being advised that the cost is nearly five times more?"

Seemingly the main cost elements of this shower is broken down as follows:

-Plumbing £15K
-Electrics £4K
-Flooring £1K
-Ceiling £1K
-Building work £5K
-Furniture £1K

In another email, Ms Cannings says that her instructions to the estates department were given verbally by her, or through her staff officer, "to choose shower head or whatever".

Quote:

"I didn't get involved very much except seeing proposals and choosing carpet colour etc..."

Phil Willis, Liberal Democrat MP for Harrogate and Knaresborough, said:

"This is ridiculous.

What is more we are in danger of North Yorkshire Police becoming a laughing stock for its profligacy.

The taxpayers of North Yorkshire will be increasingly horrified

to know that the astronomical increases in the police precept

appear to have resulted in largesse for senior officers

while the public continue to demand greater resources on the streets."

Out of all the counties in the UK for this to have occurred in, it beggars belief that it happened in Yorkshire (a county where people are reputed to be cautious with their money).

Ms Cannings has been in the news before. In 2003, the police precept went up by 76%followed by a 10% rise in 2004. A fleet of top-of-the-range Volvos was being acquired for senior officers, and an audit report revealed that the force had developed huge financial reserves after being unable to spend the extra revenue it had received.

Ms Cannings said, at the time, that she was anxious to dispel the impression "that this authority has a piggy bank full of money and it does not know what to do with it".

Re not knowing what to do with it, job done I would say!

North Yorkshire Police, well deserving the "Prats of The Week Award".

Nanny Bans Halloween

As the pumpkin season approaches, and ghouls, goblins and witches don their cloaks ready to scare the "living daylights" (you thought I was going to say "shit" didn't you?) out of you, one of Nanny's chums has decided to put his foot down about the whole nasty little business of Halloween.

The Bishop of Bolton, the Right Rev David Gillett, is asking Britain's retailers to stock alternatives to traditional Halloween merchandise.

Why?

In his view they are helping to create a "climate of fear".

Actually I rather thought that it was the media, aided and abetted by Nanny, that had created a real climate of fear over Muslim extremism, terrorists, obesity, global warming and bird flu etc.

Seems that I was wrong!

Anyhoo, the Right Rev David Gillett said that shops were helping to promote a "dark and negative" side of the festival.

He said:

"I share the view of many Christians

that large retailers are increasingly keen to commercialise

Halloween celebrations

in a way that pressurises parents to purchase goods

that promote the dark, negative side of Halloween

and could encourage antisocial behaviour.

I am worried that Halloween has the potential to trivialise the realities of evil in the world."

What about the far more damaging rampant consumerism and excess indulgence of Christmas then?

The bishop seems to forget that all Christian festivals are in fact linked and timed to coincide with our pagan past, a ham fisted way of trying to make us forget our past in fact.

Now we know why the Church of England is becoming an irrelevance.

Prats of The Week

This week's prestigious Prat of The Week Award goes to the good people of Camden Council, or rather their parking control department (or whatever they choose to call it).

I am sure that the hapless driver of a Meyers of Stratford lorry will agree with this award, as he encountered a jobsworth prat from the council in Belsize Park the other week.

The driver was travelling along a road, weakened by water from a burst main below. Then the front wheel of his truck had got stuck, axle deep, in a hole after the road collapsed beneath the vehicle.

Needless to say, the responsibility for maintaining the roads lies with the council...so you might suggest that it was their fault.

Anyhoo, the driver the tried to shift his trapped truck. At this point a jobsworth traffic warden turned up. The good lady from the legion of wardens did what she does best, instead of helping, she provided the hapless driver with a ticket.

Rather like an old Laurel and Hardy film, a small crowd of astonished onlookers gathered to watch the "comedy" show. The driver tried in vain to explain his predicament. However, the jobsworth warden just shrugged and told him he could appeal against the fine.

Sue Melkman, a resident, said:

"It's crazy.

There was water everywhere.

It was obvious what had happened but she still wrote the ticket.

She wouldn't engage in conversation.

All she would say was, 'You can appeal'.

It's the daftest decision.

How can you give a ticket to someone who's stuck in a hole?

The woman must live in a parallel universe.

It's so ridiculous.

Everyone was laughing at her

and a few were taking pictures on their phones.

I told her she'd be a laughing stock

and it would be in the local paper but she didn't reply.

She just wrote the ticket and off she went.

The poor driver tried to reason with her,

but what can you do?

If they're going to write a ticket they just do it.

He took it very philosophically."

The incident was sparked by decision from the ever respected and useful Thames Water (who leak a gazillion gallons of water every day). Dear old Thames Water had decided not to put cones around the bulging, cracked patch of road after inspecting it the previous day.

By the way, the German owners of Thames Water have decided to sell it; any takers?

One resident of the street said:

"It was really the water board's fault.

A water main burst outside my house at about 7.30pm on Thursday evening,

and at about 10 o'clock Thames Water came along to see what was happening.

I saw them with some cones in their hands,

but then they put them back in their van.

The road was bulging and cracks were appearing.

There's a fire station nearby

and I was worried the road might collapse if a fire engine went over it

but the engineers said it was fine

and they would be back to fix it the next day.

Then at 7.30 next morning a lorry came to collect a skip from my neighbour

and he just sank down into the road to his axle.

They came to fix the water main in the middle of it all

but couldn't because the lorry was on top of it."

Sounds like Thames Water also deserve the Prat of The Week award.

Meyers of Stratford said:

"Camden Council said we can appeal

but what a waste of everyone's time.

Now we've got to write the letters and send off the forms.

It was absolutely obvious why the truck was there

but she still fined us.

It makes you sick."

Nanny makes us all sick.

Her rules, red tape and indifference are designed to beat us into submission.

Anyhoo, congratulations to Camden Council for winning this prestigious award.

Feel free to email them via this link Camden Council, to tell them that they have won.

Tuck Off!

Full marks to William Guntrip (13), an enterprising lad who has become rather fed up with Nanny's lectures on healthy eating.

He set up a playground sweet shop to counteract Nanny's 'overpriced health food'.

Master Guntrip was raking in more than £50 a day, selling chocolate bars and fizzy drinks to other pupils at Sponne School Towcester during break times.

Good to see that we are still breeding entrepreneurs in this country.

Unfortunately, Nanny does not approve of individualism or entrepreneurs. The school, which has banned sweets from vending machines and filled the canteen with healthy options, says he will be expelled if he does not shut up shop.

Twats!

William had set up shop after his father, Glyn, promised to give up smoking if he could make £1,000 through his own business.

Master William said:

"I can't believe it;

I don't see what I've done wrong,

it's not illegal.

Even some of the teachers have been buying from me.

The food at lunchtimes is rubbish.

It's all pasta and vegetables, there's no meat.

I don't mind some healthy stuff

but it costs too much money and there's not enough choice.

Now they've taken away all my stock."

I think he should raise the matter of theft of stock with the police, that is after all a criminal offence isn't it?

Feel free to drop the school a line with your thoughts on the matter: Info@sponneschool.northants.sch.uk

Welsh Farce Continues

As much as I enjoy seeing the current Labour "administration" (that word implies competence!) being kicked from pillar to post, I do feel that Nanny's trolls in the North Wales Police really ought to have their collective heads banged together for pursuing Bliary Poppins for alleged anti Welsh remarks.

You will recall that this very stupid issue blew up a while ago, when Bliar allegedly watched Labour underperform in the Welsh Assembly election...SEVEN YEARS AGO!!!!..and allegedly said:

"Fucking Welsh"

Background reading Hoisted by Her Own Petard and Prat of The Week.

Anyhoo the "good old boys" in the North Wales Police, who clearly have no crimes to investigate, have spent six months investigating this issue. They have had top-level discussions between forces, and repeated trips to London for interviews with former colleagues of Bliar.

The Crown Prosecution Service has recommended that they should not to proceed with the investigation of this "race-hate crime". That does not deter the "good old boys" in the North Wales Police, who estimate that there is at least a month's more investigating to do!

Aran Jones, chief executive of Cymuned, who clearly doesn't live in the real world where old people are attacked, houses robbed and our troops are dying in Iraq, believes that this issue is vital for the survival of life as he knows it.

He said:

"It would be morally correct for charges to be brought or for the Prime Minister to say he didn't say that."

Doesn't get out much does he?

Suffice to say this investigation is absolutely pathetic.

The award to North Wales police chief Richard Brunstrom, of Prat of The Week made in October 2005, stands. He has made his force and the law in general a laughing stock.

I cannot believe that the majority of the people in Wales think that this is a valid use of police resources.

Nanny's Man of Straw

Nanny's man of Straw, Jack, waded into the "cartoon debate" on Friday; by attacking the European papers who printed the offending cartoons.

He said:

"I believe that the republication of these cartoons has been unnecessary, it has been insensitive, it has been disrespectful and it has been wrong.

There are taboos in every religion. We have to be very careful about showing the proper respect in this situation."

A cynic might suggest that his concerns about causing offence may be down to the fact there is a large Muslim community in his constituency.

There are several points that the man of Straw should remember:

1 The cartoons were published by Western media organisations in Western countries. The state does not control the media in the West.

2 We, and the rest of Europe, are not Muslim nations.

3 Muslim media organisations regularly print anti Semitic cartoons.

4 The placards being brandished by the radicals in the London demonstrations called for a repeat of 7/7, that is incitement to murder is it not?

Isn't that a crime in this country?

5 The Western media regularly pillories other religions, which no doubt annoys/offends some of the more fundamental followers of those religions, why should Islam be a sacred cow?

6 The cartoons are now easily accessible on line, does that mean that all ISP's and net based companies are also going to be subject to this campaign of abuse and intimidation?

7 The cartoons were also published in Lebanon.

8 Many in the West may well object to the offensive and derogatory use of the word "infidel" by some Muslims to describe "non believers", yet they do not take to the streets and riot.

9 An Iranian newspaper has launched a competition for cartoonists to submit cartoons about the Holocaust. However, I doubt that (as immature and as pathetic as the competition may be) there will be mass protests by non Muslims in the streets or that the Iranian Embassies in Europe will be attacked.

10 In 2001 an episode of South Park featured an animated all singing, all dancing Mohammed. Why were there no large scale protests then?

11 Whilst it is reasonable to believe that there are piles of British, American and Israeli flags ready to burn in the Middle East; I find it unlikely that there is a such a ready stock of Danish and Norwegian flags.

The fact that the protesters have managed to lay their hands on such a large number of flags, indicates that the "protests" are being co-ordinated and orchestrated by "higher" authorities.

Nanny Is Mother, Nanny Is Father

Nanny has decided to adopt a carrot and stick approach in her never ceasing battle to train our delinquent youth.

Nanny has decided to give teenagers smart cards, a neat way of tracking them, which will allow them to have discounts at cinemas and leisure centres in return for good behaviour.

Nanny's chum Beverley Hughes, the children's minister, said it was right to reward good behaviour while showing teenagers that they would lose out if they broke the law.

Children who do voluntary work will be able to earn extra credits for their cards, while those who get into trouble will have their cards deactivated and lose their credits.

Ooh Minister, that's very strict of you!

Why not just put the little toe rags in the stocks?

Hughes said:

"It is about celebrating when young people are doing well, as well as being able, through sanctions or not involving young people, to point to the fact that they have responsibilities as well as rights

and if they don't meet their responsibilities they jeopardise those rights."

Celebrating?

Surely it should be the norm for children to behave properly?

However, as with all of Nanny's schemes there is always a Nanny note of dissent.

Prof Al Aynsley-Green, the children's commissioner for England (what?), said:

"I am concerned that we recognise that the small minority who engage in anti-social behaviour are frequently those who come from the most disadvantaged backgrounds.

Withdrawing incentives such as opportunity cards must be the very last resort and should be used sparingly."

Poppy cock!

The lesson of consequences is vital if children are to develop and mature. Protecting them from consequences does them irreparable damage.

Anyhoo, these schemes are all well and good but Nanny is yet again trying to undermine the role of parents.

Children should be trained in the fine arts of good behaviour by their parents, not by the faceless bureaucracy of the Nanny state.

The Dead Cat Bounce

There is an expression used by City traders for when a stock, that has collapsed spectacularly in one day, rises by a few percent the next.

This is known as a "dead cat bounce".

Nanny has her own version of the dead cat bounce, which she applies to those taking GCSE's.

Now we all know that life is hard, and that the real world offers you no favours.

However, Nanny feels that children taking exams should not actually be exposed to reality; in her perverse way she thinks that she does them a favour by protecting them from life's harsh realities.

In effect, by "protecting" them from reality she ill prepares them for life; over protection does no one any favours.

Anyhoo, in this particular instance Nanny has decided that when a pet of an exmaninee dies the exmaninee will be credited with an extra 2%. Oh, and if you have a headache, that's worth 1%.

So little Johnny just needs to create a dead pet, and say that he has a headache.

Et voila!

An extra 3%.

Easy money!

Don't believe me?

Then ask Nanny's chums at the Joint Council for Qualifications (JCQ), which represents England's three main exam authorities.

In fact there is a little list of the extra credits that can be earned, that a reasonably street savvy kid can really milk:

-Recent death of parent or close relative - 5%
-Recent death of distant family member - 4%
-Witness to distressing event on day of exam - 3%
-Hay fever - 2%
-Death of family pet on day of exam - 2%
-Pet dies day before exam - 1%
-Headache - 1%

The argument that Nanny puts forward is that the extra credits are there as:

"a way of compensating a candidate who has been genuinely adversely affected by a situation beyond their control."

The problem is that in real life, shit happens!

Nanny is ill equiping the children of today, for the problems of the future.

Nanny Bans British Bulldog

Nanny can be a "daft and dangerous old coot" at times, as she pokes her unwelcome nose into the affairs of "her charges".

Her most recent attempt to control our daily lives concerns the harmless antics that go on in childrens' playgrounds across the country.

Her acolytes in Broomley First School, Stocksfield, rather than worrying about the rise in gang culture and assaults that are sweeping our schools; have focused their pinched interfering noses at the harmless games of British Bulldog and tag.

Nanny's acolytes feel that these games are too dangerous for the "delicate flowers" that attend Broomley First and, as such, have banned them from being played by the children.

I would note that these games, and their variants, have been played down the centuries by previous generations; without major disaster.

However, Nanny knows best!

The parents, not surprisingly, are up in arms about this absurd decision; they feel that it is way too overprotective.

They joined children in a breaktime protest rally, and have started a "Vote for Bulldog" petition; in an attempt to have the ruling reversed.

The school argue that the ban is necessary, to prevent children from being hurt.

This of course is utter nonsense; by covering the children in cotton wool like this they will be ill prepared for the reality of what is a very harsh and unforgiving world.

As on parent said:

"Yes, children fall over and scratch themselves or tear their trousers, but it is an important part of social behaviour that when a child falls over others know how to react. Games like these help them grow up into responsible adults."

By destroying the childrens' ability to stand up for themselves as adults, Nanny makes them more dependent on her for protection and guidance; dependence is of course what she wants.

Nanny is, in effect, committing child abuse; by depriving children of a necessary learning experience.

I hope that someone prosecutes her.