Wasting Our Money

Nanny loves to spend money on her pet projects and ill thought out schemes, especially when its our money.

The National Audit Office (NAO) has issued a damning report on Nanny's pathfinder housing market renewal programme, launched in 2002 by our old friend the Smooth Talking Bar Steward.



The "plan" was designed to revive nine areas in the Midlands and the North of England, which had suffered long-standing deprivation.

Unfortunately, as with so many of Nanny's "plans", it was utter bollocks.

The NAO found that despite £2.2BN of OUR money being committed to the scheme, it could find no "causal" link between pathfinder activity and improvements in housing markets.

That's accountant/audit speak for saying that it didn't work.

Although conditions had improved in some neighbourhoods, in others it had led to increased stress in the short term.

Under the programme, 40,000 homes have been refurbished and 1,100 new homes built. About 10,200 properties have also been demolished. In a number of areas there has been opposition to demolition projects and the original plans to demolish 90,000 properties have been reduced to 57,100.

Sir John Bourn departing head of the NAO (who managed to spend a large sum of our money on his and his wife's personal "business" expenses...that's another story folks, which I will cover at a later date) said:

"Housing market renewal is a radical programme

but it is a high-risk approach.

While there have been physical improvements

in some neighbourhoods, it is unclear whether

intervention itself has led to improvement

in the problems of low demand.

And in some cases intervention has

exacerbated problems in the short-term."

Nanny doesn't get it:

• You cannot create demand, where there is none to be created.



• You cannot buck the market.



• You cannot force people to live in areas that they don't want to live in, unless of course you are a dictatorship.



• Throwing money at a problem does not work.

However, it's not Nanny's money and she doesn't give a fark!

Plus Ca Change

There we have it ladies and gentlemen, it is now official, both Bliary Poppins and the Smooth Talking Bar Steward are leaving office.

The end of an era?

Yes.

The end of the Nanny state?

No.

The design team here at Nanny Knows Best are already working hard on the new logo for the site, to take account of of Smiler Brown's ascendancy to orifice.

In the meantime I would like to remind you that classic editions of Nanny Knows Best and Bollocks To The Bar Steward products (T shirts, thongs, coffee cups, pillows, hoodies etc) are still available for sale.

They will doubtless become collectors' items, get them before they are banned!

- Nanny Knows Best Shop

- Bollocks To The Bar Steward Shop

Throwing Money at a Problem

Nanny believes that if she throws enough money at all of life's problems, then they will simply go away.

In theory that might work, sometimes. However, she ignores three fundamental problems with her theory:

1 The money she is using is not hers, it's ours.

2 Money spent, without proper oversight and control is very often wasted.

3 Throwing money at issues more often than not causes inflation and corruption, look at the damage done to Africa by UN and international "aid" programmes.

As it is in Africa, so it is in the North of England. Nanny was informed a few weeks ago that the enormous amount of public money (I love the euphemism "public money"...it's not "public" it's our money!) on northern cities has only made them poorer.

Nanny's 263 page report, the Competitive Economic Performance of English Cities, noted that not one city north of Derby has an economy that is performing better than the national average.

The report went on to note that state efforts to improve business, productivity and earnings in northern regions have only managed to make things worse!

The conclusion of the report is that Nanny's spending, at levels equivalent to the now defunct Soviet bloc, have in fact done more harm than good.

Quote:

"The overt policies followed so far and the unintended consequences

of others have either failed to close this gap or actually made it worse.

This is a major, persistent and long-term problem

for the English economy as a whole."

An initial study for the programme, which was published in the spring, was hailed by the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, John Prescott, as showing "remarkable progress" and an "urban renaissance".

Seems to me Prescott has been telling porkies, or didn't read the initial study too well.

The main author of the report, Professor James Simmie of Oxford Brookes University, summed it up rather well:

"There is not enough private sector expenditure.

The north is far too dependent on public services expenditure."

In other words, a culture of dependency has set in; which in turn erodes and debilitates the region and the people.

Public spending in London is 33% of the economy, compared to over 50% in much of the north. In fact London contributes around £11BN a year to other regions.

State domination of the economy has throttled private business, and increased dependence on the taxpayer and on benefits.

The Institute of Economic Affairs and the Centre for Economic and Business Research showed that 65% of the economy in the North East depends on the state, and 57% in the North West.

The lesson here is simple; the state is destroying the country and its people.

The enemy of the people is the state.

Nanny's Charitable Inclinations

Nanny loves charities, nothing gives her more pleasure than helping the needy and the poor. As such we should not be surprised to hear that Nanny's special little friend, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, made a generous donation to charity last year.

The donation was to cover the cost of the freebie accommodation in the States provided to Prescott by Philip Anshutz, the owner of the much maligned Millennium Dome.

Being a modest sort of chap Prescott has not revealed how much he donated.

Oddly enough, he also neglected to mention that fact that the donation did not come out of his pocket, but out of the taxpayers'.

Twat!

The Naked Civil Servant

Ever wondered why Nanny needs to employ over 7 million trolls in her public sector empire?

Simple, they're all shagging and fighting each other!

It turns out that Nanny's minions in the Rural Payments Agency (RPA) Newcastle have been caught indulging in rumpy pumpy in toilets, during office hours (who does that remind you of?), and of wandering around naked.

One person has already been sacked, and officials have begun an investigation.

Aside from the obvious, what I find most alarming about this is that these morons allowed themselves to be caught on CCTV. What does this say about the quality of intellect of the people that Nanny hires to work for her (oh sorry I mean us...we do of course pay these people's wages!)?

Seemingly, staff have been caught leaping naked from filing cabinets, having sex in office toilets, holding break-dancing competitions during working hours and fighting in a reception area.

The RPA claim that their mission is to:

"be a customer focused organisation delivering high quality services,

including processing payments and receipts,

conducting inspections and recording animal identification,

to government and the rural community."

Er, quite!

Much like most other people in Nanny's ever growing empire, they don't give a toss for the public (ie the people who pay their wages). This attitude comes from the very top.

Maybe, given the seemingly endemic "take the piss" culture in the public sector, I have been too hard on the Smooth Talking Bar Steward?

Seemingly he was, after all, only following normal custom and practice within the public sector.

Prat of The Week

This week's prestigious Prat of The Week Award goes to none other than Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward, the Deputy prime minister John Prescott.

I thought I'd award it to him this week, as it is quite clear he won't be around for much longer.

Aside from the countless reasons why this man should have this award, I cite the fact that the Old Bar Steward tried to force the Big Brother house to pay council tax.

I could support him shutting it down!

Anyhoo, a team of inspectors from the deputy PM's department (whilst it still existed) was sent to raid the Big Brother house in Hertfordshire before the show commenced this year.

Endemol UK, the producers of this pile of garbage, faced escalating £100 fines unless they let inspectors from the Valuation Office Agency raid the house.

It seems that because contestants spend 13 weeks living in the house, plus another four weeks for the celebrity version, the house could have been liable to the tax.

Endemol was eventually forced to hire specialist surveyors, to prove that the house was already covered by £65,000 in business rates.

Funny how he worries so much about the council tax of others, yet managed not to pay his own council tax though isn't it?

For good measure, Prescott has also been lambasted for his daft scheme to build a gazillion homes in the South East. The prat forgot to check the water supply situation, it seems that there will not be enough water to supply his grand erection plans.

Definitely worthy of Prat of The Week!

The Dangers of Beer

Following the demise of The Smooth Talking Bar Steward, Nanny has issued an urgent warning to all men about the dangers of drinking beer.

The warning comes in the form of a short public information film, which she urges you to watch.

To view the film, please click The Dangers of Beer.

Job Description

Poor old John, Nanny's faithful Smooth Talking Bar Steward, he finds himself in a rather emabrassing situation.

He was sacked, in all but name yesterday, from his much treasured position of Deputy Prime Minister.

Yet Nanny has allowed him to keep his salary, title and all the free accommodation and other perks that went with the job.

Some naughty people have suggested that this generosity from Nanny is because Prescott has something on Nanny...but that's not how politics in Britain works surely?

Dear old John is a very sensitive soul, and is worried as to how this might look to the voting public. Therefore he would be very grateful indeed to receive suggestions as to how he might "earn" and justify Nanny's largesse.

Please submit your suggestions as to what Prescott should do to earn his money to enquiryodpm@odpm.gsi.gov.uk, marking your mail "Justifying Prescott's Salary and Perks"

Prescott Loses Orifice...sorry..Office

Breaking news...Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward, or as he is now rather affectionately known "The Serial Groper", John Prescott has been relieved of his orifice...sorry office.

However, although he is now no longer in charge of the Orifice of The Deputy Prime Minister, Prescott will still be called Deputy Prime Minister.

Why?

If anyone can tell me what the Deputy Prime Minister without an orifice is meant to do, and why he is being paid to do it, I would be most obliged.

The Serial Groper

Breaking news....the Smooth Talking Bar Steward has admitted that he was stupid!

I do believe that this is the first time that I ever agreed with something that Prescott has said.

Am I becoming soft in my old age?

Doesn't Nanny count groping at work as sexual harassment?

Has Nanny broken her own rules?

Buy your memorial thong here The Prescott Memorial Groping Thong

The Smooth Talking Bar Steward

Gratifying to see that Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward has lived up to the nickname given to him by this site, and used his cunning linguistic skills to charm the ladies.

See Two Jags Two Wives.

Commemorative T shirts and thongs of this historic event can be purchased here Bollocks To The Bar Steward.

Nanny Upsets Smoker

As we all know, Nanny has a particular antipathy (there's a big word for a Monday morning) towards smokers.

In fact so incensed is she about the evil habit of smoking that whenever she sees the word, or a derivation of it, she falls into a bulging eyed rage.

That at least is what happened to one hapless resident of my own fair borough of Croydon, who is called Stan Smoker.

Mr Smoker, a 77 year old widower, had the misfortune to underpay his council tax bill. He was then sent 3 letters from our "beloved" and "competent" council, between December and last week, demanding that he pay the shortfall.

How much was this shortfall?

£100?

No

£50?

No

£1?

No

8p...yes 8p!

I know that it is a Monday morning, but the astute amongst you will have noticed that the postage on these three letters cost more that the sum demanded.

Stan is quoted as saying:

"I was very surprised. I thought I'd finished paying my council tax bill in full in December but then I got a letter saying I owed eight pence.

I thought it was a joke at first but then I got two more letters.

I have paid it now but I thought it was a little bit petty to say the least.

Why they couldn't just tack it on the next bill I don't know.

They sent me three letters, all by second-class post.

It doesn't make sense but I doubt I'm the only person this has happened to."

Croydon Council noted that:

"Mr Smoker's council tax benefit was reduced by the sum of eight pence per week from December 5."

Mr Smoker is wrong in one respect, when he says that it doesn't make any sense. It makes perfect sense if you remember three things:

1 This is Croydon council

2 Councils tend to be run by jobsworth's lackeys of Nanny

3 The council tax comes under this man's ultimate control....

Nanny's Bully Boys

We all know that Nanny is constantly haranguing us about discrimination and bullying in the workplace.

These are behaviour patterns that she simply won't tolerate.

In fact, she is so upset by these lamentable human traits that she has passed a whole raft of laws designed to stamp the problem out. Indeed Nanny is always more than ready to stick her nose into the activities of private companies, when there is the slightest hint of bullying or discrimination.

Now, it seems, that the boot is on the other foot. One of Nanny's own departments has been accused of having an ingrained bullying culture.

How embarrassing!

Can you guess who runs this department?



Yes, that's right, John Prescott - Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward.

The Commons Select Committee on the Orifice (oops, sorry, I meant office!) of the Deputy Prime Minister (ODPM) has ruled that the Smooth Talking Bar Steward must take urgent action, to crack down on bullying and discrimination in his department.

How embarrassing!

Who would have thought that such a mild mannered man, as the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, would have run a department with such an abysmal track record of bullying and discrimination?



According to a survey of staff, 10% of the workers at ODPM said that they had been bullied in the past year, and one in twelve had experienced discrimination.

The survey, carried out last summer by ORC International, also showed that 6% had reported harassment and 22% had witnessed unfair treatment. Black and disabled people were more likely to have faced discrimination than other staff.

Details of the survey were published yesterday, by the Commons Select Committee on the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, as part of its response to John Prescott's annual report and accounts for last year.

Quote:

"The department should take steps immediately to reinforce the message that bullying and intimidation is unacceptable.

It should ensure all staff are confident such reports will be taken seriously."

The culture of companies and departments are a reflection of the "quality" of the leadership and the behaviour of the people at the top, so I think it is very clear who we can blame for this!

The survey went on to show that many staff were unhappy about the lack of leadership, visibility and openness of senior officials at board level.

Quote:

"Only 20% believed the board had been open and honest in communication with staff.

This figure is 20% less than the benchmark for comparable central government surveys."

The committee then went on to further put the boot into Prescott and his useless department, by stating that the ODPM is spinning out of control and that its annual report showed "an unjustifiable presentation of its achievements"; ie the ODPM has an inflated ego, is all mouth and no trousers and is lying.

One example cited of Prescott bullshit was the reporting of efficiency gains totalling £150K per year as "noticeable" progress towards a target of £620M by 2007-2008!

What a bunch of dishonest, useless wankers!

It also seems that the ODPM has been double-counting its resource management.

Quote:

"Through our efforts to secure further information about the real nature and extent of the department's efficiency plans,

we were able to establish that there is an overlap between two reported efficiency targets."

Needless to say, in keeping with the character of the man, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward has never deigned to appear before the committee; he claimed that he was busy with Britain's presidency of the EU.

We all know that was a useless waste of 6 months, but at least we now know who to blame for it!

The committee then decided to have a go at the ODPM's ability to deal effectively with other departments.

I like this committee, a rare example of a cross party group of MPs united in trying to improve something.

Quote:

"Stronger leadership and greater clarity about the importance of this objective will help the department win its case."

The ODPM was specially created by Nanny as a sop to keep the Smooth Talking Bar Steward happy. It now employs over 6000 people, and claims to be involved in every aspect of life of this country.

Its motto:

"Creating sustainable communities"

sounds very nice.

Yet no one knows what that means, I certainly have no idea what the ODPM is meant to do, indeed the survey of staff revealed that a staggering 40% of the ODPM staff did not understand what they were meant to be doing either.

Just think abou that for minute or two, 40% of the staff don't know what they are meant to be doing! That is disgusting, our money is being poured into this pile of shit and they don't even know what they are there for!

If anyone actually knows what the ODPM is actually on this planet for, please can they enlighten the rest of us; indeed please can you also enlighten the ODPM, via this email address enquiryodpm@odpm.gsi.gov.uk

In the meantime, I am sure that I don't need to remind you that my fine range of T shirts, thongs and coffee mugs bearing the face of our beloved and competent Deputy PM are on sale via this link Bollocks To The Bar Steward.

How To Reduce Your Council Tax Bill - II

It does seem that poor old John Prescott, Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward, has more than a little trouble with his council tax.

As noted earlier on this site, he managed to "forget" to pay tax on one of his properties (I do hope that his many Jaguars are fully taxed!); now it seems he is in hot water over his other properties.

Sad to be so burdened with so many properties!

Anyhoo, the Smooth Talking Bar Steward is now under pressure to reveal whether he has reclaimed the cost of the council tax on his family home in Hull.

The Bar Steward has presided over a 76% increase in council tax since Nanny came to office, during this time he had managed not to pay council tax since 1997 on his official London residence.

This being the Nanny state, when one person can't/won't pay the poor old taxpayer is left to foot the bill. In this particular case, it means that we have forked out almost £4K for the Bar Steward's £2.3m apartment in Admiralty House.

Now one small point there, before I go on, £4K over 9 years?

Doesn't that seem a little on the low side?

Is it possible, I wonder, if the dear old Bar Steward's house has been put in the wrong tax valuation band?

I know my humble property in Croydon, approximately 10 times less in value than the Bar Steward's, attracts a council tax of over £1K per year..something smells there.

Anyhoo, other questions are now being raised, eg about the tax he pays for the benefit in kind he enjoys from living in a government-owned flat in central London. One tax accountant suggested he should pay £46K a year.

Additionally, the situation with his family home is still not clear. The Bar Steward has claimed that he had been paying council tax on his Hull constituency home, an eight-bedroom turreted residence on the outskirts of the city.

Officials insist that the tax has been paid at the "full rate", not at the discounted second-home rate, but they refuse to say whether he subsequently claims the money back as a "parliamentary expense". If Prescott's house is in Hull city council's top band, it will be liable for council tax at £2,285.

The Bar Steward also has the use of an official country residence, Dorneywood in Buckinghamshire, the council tax for which is paid by the charitable trust that looks after the house.

Some of you may feel that the Bar Steward is being allowed to get away with murder (as it were).

However, in Nanny's Britain, Nanny doesn't give a fuck for you or I. Nanny will take whatever she can get away with.

Don't forget to buy the Bollocks To The Bar Steward T shirts folks. The revnue earned will pay my council tax!

How To Reduce Your Council Tax Bill

Worried about your council tax bill?

Want to cut your costs?

Well no need to worry anymore!

"Honest" John, Nanny's Smooth talking Bar Steward, takes the worry out of paying your council tax bill the Nanny way.

What's the secret?

Simple, become Deputy Prime Minister and get the taxpayers to cover your bill.

If anyone queries this arrangement, just tell then that you didn't know.

Nice one John!

Here's Johnny II

Following on from yesterday's article about The Smooth Talking Bar Steward's plans to use spy satellites to aid his council tax rebanding, I would like to thank those of you who made the very valid point that council tax bandings should be reduced where people have to live next door to squalor and decay.

Today I sent the following email to the Bar Steward's Office.

"Dear Mr Prescott

I read with interest recent reports of your department's proposals to improve data collection for the forthcoming rebanding of the council tax, by using spy satellites.

I note that where the satellites show improvements to properties,

the tax banding will be uplifted.

May I take it that where the satellites show images of squalor and decay;

eg derelict buildings, car parks, waste land and landfills those hapless residents who have to live beside these carbuncles will have their council tax banding reduced?

In order to help you save time, I have prepared an extensive database of pictures of the decay and squalor that is eroding the centre of my own town of Croydon.

The database of pictures can be viewed on www.croydoniscrap.com

It is heartening to know that this April,

the long suffering citizens of Croydon will be able to "reward" the council for their

mismanagement and neglect

by voting them out of office.

Notwithstanding that, I look forward to seeing my own council tax banding reduced;

by way of recompense for this shameful neglect and mismanagement

Kind regards

Ken Frost

www.nannyknowsbest.com"

Those of you who wish to write to The Smooth Talking Bar Steward, can contact him at this address enquiryodpm@odpm.gsi.gov.uk

Remember, you can buy the world famous "Bollocks To The Bar Steward" T shirts at www.cafepress.com/barsteward

Here's Johnny!

At this time of year, as the tinsel and the tree begins to droop, we all need a little something to cheer us up.

That's why God created the Smooth Talking Bar Steward, Nanny's special little court jester.

Dear old John has seen our torpor and depression, and decided to cheer us all up with his special little scheme for keeping council tax records up to date.

The Smooth Talking Bar Steward has advised council tax inspectors to use "spy in the sky" satellite cameras to snoop on people's homes; to see if they have added extensions, conservatories and sheds that could boost the value of their property.

Dear old John plans to use these pictures as part of his revaluation of homes across England.

Country homes will be at particular risk from the technology. According to an official handbook for inspectors:

"Aerial photographs are particularly effective in rural areas where improvements are hard to see from the road."

Thanks John, that really cheered us all up!

Prat Of The Week

This week's Prat of The Week Award goes to one of Nanny's henchmen, Terry White, from the Labour Communications Unit.

White has decreed, in an email to Allan Murray a member of the public, that sports fans who wave the flag of Saint George are racist.

This follows on from a comment made by an ex-minister, Gisela Stuart (German born), who claimed that the rise of Englishness is a threat to democracy.

Mr Murray had written to Nanny saying:

"Why is it that as a party you dislike the English so much?

I am fed up to the back teeth with Labour's endless dumbing down of the English.

The Labour Party are trying to wipe England off the UK map."

White responded in a rant worthy of Nanny herself:

"England, as opposed to Britain, has an unfortunate history around the world and within the British Isles and please do not say that it is all past.

It is a fact that the right and extreme right in Britain cloak themselves in the English flag, the cross of St George and claim to be the true representatives of the English.

Wherever there is hooligan behaviour, usually linked to extreme right-wing political groups eg, at football matches here and abroad, it is the flag of St George that is displayed."

Utter....wait for it....bollocks!

Nanny is using the tired old argument that we should be guilty for our past, and to atone we must never mention our nationality again (except by way of shame).

Piffle and balderdash!

You can no more undo your past, than you can disinvent the wheel.

Yet Nanny is more than happy to encourage "racial awareness", and a yearning for separate identities, by encouraging devolution in Scotland and Wales. I won't even begin to discuss the Smooth Talking Bar Steward's shambolic attempt at a Northern Regional Assembly!

When you start to unpick the fabric of a United Kingdom, that took many centuries of bloodshed and toil to unite, you will get a backlash.

Nanny has realised that she may have spoken out of turn here, and has done what comes naturally to her; she has disowned White. A Labour spokesman said:

"We cannot condone these comments and they in no way represent the views of the Party. We apologise unreservedly for any offence caused."

Too late, you have exposed your warped thinking to the world; now suffer the consequences.

Those of you who wish to tell White and Nanny what you think of them, can contact them at the following address:

Terry White
The Labour Party
16 Old Queen Street
London SW1H 9HP

08705 900 200

info@new.labour.org.uk



Give them hell!

A Room With A View

Nanny has so many projects on the go, and so many people working for her (around 7 million now work for the state), that she constantly needs to take more money from her "charges" in order to fund her Nanny State.

Her plans for raising money next year, via a revaluation of the council tax, were thwarted by political expediency. The revaluation was postponed, because Nanny feared a backlash during the general election over higher council tax bills.

However, the election is now over, and Nanny is never thwarted for long in her desire to screw us for more tax. The review of council tax was merely postponed; have no fear, one is coming.

Nanny then came up with a particularly clever wheeze the other day, that would kill two birds with one stone; on the one hand it would raise extra revenue, and on the other it would give all those naughty people who live in "nice" areas a slap for being so bourgeois (Nanny hates the middle classes).

Nanny has decided to reintroduce that old tax favourite of the Middle Ages, the window tax. However, this time she will adapt it to the 21st century; council taxes will rise for those properties that Nanny considers to have a "nice view".

How very scientific!

Officials preparing the ground for the forthcoming revaluation exercise have been told to gather data on whether homes have views, roof terraces and large patios. Nanny has assigned "value significance codes" to 66 features of properties; ie if the box saying patio or golf course is ticked, it means your property is worth more.

Can you guess who is in charge of this revaluation exercise?



Yes that's right, John Prescott (Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward)!

With Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward in charge, you just know that this will work; don't you?

Another "Bright" Idea From Nanny's Bar Steward

Those of you who are worried about the stability of the housing market, may need to turn away from your screens now.

Nanny has decided that she wants to add to the regulatory burden of selling a house, and has selected one of the finest minds in her cabinet to tackle this tricky subject.

Can you guess who that is?

Yes, that's right, none other than Nanny's smooth talking bar steward John Despot.

The very mention of his name in association with the housing market, something that underpins the British economy, should send shivers down everyone's spines.

Anyhoo, dear old John has come up with a real humdinger of a plan.

The benefits or rationale of his scheme, to either seller or buyer, remain unclear; nonetheless that has never stopped him in the past from doing something, and that most certainly won't stop him now.

He wants to introduce home information packs during 2007, which he says will reduce the cost of buying a home.

Really?

The packs would be prepared by the seller, at an estimated cost of up to £1000; theoretically they would provide the buyer with all the information that he/she would need, eg ownership evidence and a property "health report".

However, as with all of Nanny's ideas, this idea has not been thought through.

• Pre implementation there will be a rush of property sales, to avoid the £1000 cost and huge administrative burden; this will undoubtedly destabilise and inflate the already highly sensitive housing market.



• The regulations will spawn a whole new class of "property cowboy", people and firms who will charge exorbitant fees for preparing these packs; needless to say they will operate without any form of regulation.



• The fact that a seller prepares one of these packs, will be in no way a guarantee of the condition of the property; buyers will still have to pay for a survey. So how exactly does this reduce the cost of buying a property John?

The Bar Steward of course doesn't care about any of these problems, as he already has use of several homes (one for each of his Jaguars).



Buy a selection of "Bollocks To The Bar Steward" T shirts and thongs here.