Parenting By Text

As we all know, Nanny hates parents. In Nanny's view parents are pretty poor at their job, the state provides a far more robust and efficient means of educating and bringing up children.

Indeed, Nanny is so keen to keep parents away from their children that she proactively encourages both parents to go to work and leave their kids at Nanny's day care centres, schools and other state run organs for as many hours a day as possible.

I should point out that the added benefit that Nanny gets out of both parents working is a very nice boost, via taxation, to her rapidly dwindling finances.

Anyhoo, to further tighten her grip on the lives of families, and most especially the children, Nanny is launching a new scheme whereby she will send text messages to parents telling them how to bring up their children and how to solve their relationship problems.

This little scheme, called "Parent Know How", will cost us £44M.

The hapless parents who want Nanny to help them live their lives will be able to text queries to counselling services, and log onto special social networking sites.

Nanny is particularly keen to target single parents with her text messages.

In a variation of this scheme, there will also be a text message service whereby a partner can text Nanny if they suspect that their partner is having an affair.

That brings a whole new layer of state intrusion into people's lives, now it is not just neighbours and councils spying on our smoking and garbage disposal habits but Nanny will now be spying (via our loved ones) on our bedroom habits.

I have my own suggestion for a new text service, it's called "Fark Off Nanny". You simply text in the appropriate "F Off" phrase, and it gets sent directly to the mobile phones of all members of the government and to the local council(s) of your choice.

I reckon that would be a real winner!

What do you think?

I am open to offers from technologically savvy people, who would like to set this up with me in partnership.

Note - this idea is now copyright.

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Shiver Me Timbers!

Oh dear on hearing about this story I really do wonder, yet again, why we bother to allow local councils to exist.

Have they nothing better to do with their time, and our council tax?

David Waterman, of Ashtead, has found out to his cost that Nanny's local council (Mole Valley) has got a veritable bee in its bonnet over the fact that he flew a Jolly Roger pirate flag in his garden for his daughter's 8th birthday party.

The flag, all 5ft by 3ft of it, was flown to enhance the pirate theme of his daughter's birthday.

Needless to say, Nanny's chums in Mole Valley want him to de-erect his pole and flag (can I say that?).

Oddly enough this is not the first time that Nanny has banned pirate flags, I cite the case last June whereby Stafford Borough Council did the same thing.

Anyhoo, this all blew up some months ago, Mr Waterman has received a letter from the council telling him to take it down; in response he has applied for advertising consent for the flag to be flown.

It seems that there is something of a dispute going on with some of his neighbours who don't like his kids playing outside, as such they complained to the council about the flag.

Another neighbour erected a pirate flag in support, but took it down after receiving a warning letter from the council.

He replaced it with a Union flag, as the law states anyone can fly a national flag or flags promoting a business at their home.

Mr Waterman is now considering registering a company called Jolly Roger at his house, so that he can keep the skull and crossbones.

A spokesman for Mole Valley council said it had not yet launched legal proceedings against Mr Waterman and would consider his application.

"We received a complaint about the flag flying outside Mr Waterman's house and are duty-bound to investigate complaints and enforce government regulations."

Herein lies the problem..."duty bound to enforce..."

Councils are not meant to act as state enforcers, they were once meant to "manage" and enhance their local catchment areas for the benefit of the local community as a whole.

It seems that their view of their "mission" has changed somewhat over the years.

As councils now see themselves as "enforcers", it inevitably places them on a direct collision course with their local residents and voters; this will only end in tears for the councils.

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The Lost Generation

The most unpleasant aspect of the Nanny state, that afflicts us all, is the creeping sense of fear that now permeates our society; brought about by never ending Nanny campaigns about the dangers of food, fat, smoking, drink, crime, accidents etc and the compliant headline grabbing media that seek to reinforce Nanny's message.

It should therefore come as no surprise to learn that the fear which permeates adult society is being passed on to the next generation, as it is reported that scared parents have banned their children from cycling.

A staggering 81% of parents ban their children from cycling on their own, or allow them to do so only on their street.

Parents are fearful that their children will have an accident (accidents are part of growing up), they also claim that their children lack the confidence and skill to take to the road.

There are two very obvious reasons as to why their kids lack confidence:

1 They are not allowed to learn through error and mistakes, and are picking up their parents' fears.

2 They are not sent to classes designed to teach them how to cycle on the road.

These parents, by their actions, are breeding a nation of scared, overweight, lazy individuals.

Nanny has created a lost generation.

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Well Done Boris!

The team at Nanny Knows Best would like to offer Boris Johnson, and the other victorious Tory candidates, hearty congratulations for giving Nanny's troglodytes a sound kicking in the local and mayoral elections.

One step further towards kicking the loathsome Nanny government, that for the last decade has been destroying the fabric of British society, out of office.

However, let the Tories and Boris not forget that they are mortal; let them also be aware that Tory councils can, on occasions, be as useless as Labour ones. I cite my own council of Croydon as a prime example.

In honour of Boris's victory I invite you all to read Nanny Bans Boris, which was published back in 2004 on this site.

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Dodgy Science

Nanny loves to ban things, and will often cite "scientific evidence" to back up her claims.

Rather reminiscent of the witch trials of the 16th century, Nanny's "evidence" often amounts to little more than heresay and lax research rather than detailed statistics that can withstand rigorous intellectual scrutiny.

Indeed, it is ironic that we have progressed very little from the days of hysterically burning people based on no evidence whatsoever to the modern day equivalent of fat haters, smoker haters and "all adults are paedophiles" etc.

Anyhoo, according to Nanny's Health and Safety Executive (HSE) sun beds pose a risk to under 18's, as such they may be banned from using them.

The Sunbed Association (TSA) notes that there is no scientific evidence for a ban on young people aged 17 or 18.

Over 100 deaths from skin cancer every year in the UK are thought to be linked to the use of sunbeds. That's hardly an epidemic is it?

In the 1920's and 30's Nanny would force children to sit in front of UV lamps, as she then thought that this was healthy.

Why should we now believe her, when she says that it is so dangerous?

Cry wolf too many times Nanny, and no one will believe you!

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Nanny Bans Pipes

It was to be expected, I suppose, that Nanny would finally set her gimlet eye upon the cultural icon of Britain...the bagpipes.

The pipes that have been used in war and peace over the centuries, to promote Britain and its interests throughout the world, have now been deemed by Nanny chums in Brussels to be a health and safety hazard.

Pipers must now adhere to strict volume limits, or run the risk of breaking European Union health and safety laws. Pipe bands have been ordered to tone down or wear earplugs to limit noise exposure to 85 decibels.

A pipe band played at full volume peaks at 122 decibels outdoors, noisier than the sound of either a nightclub or a chainsaw, which rises to 116 decibels.

The last time there was a pipe ban was after the Jacobite rising of 1745, and the defeat of Bonnie Prince Charlie's clansmen at the battle of Culloden.

The rules, part of the control of noise at work regulations introduced by the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) following a Brussels directive, are of course bollocks.

You cannot play the pipes quietly!

An HSE spokesman said:

"If an employer discovers an employee has been exposed above the exposure defined in the regulations they must take action."

I find the use of the word "must" by Nanny's troglodytes to be offensive.

Pass the sick bag someone!



Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries