Nanny Gets The Bird

Nanny has come up with another fun, novel and exciting use for her much vaunted Anti Social Behaviour Orders (ASBO's).

You remember ASBO's don't you?

These were the magical cure all for all the social ills afflicting Britain today. They were designed to short circuit the court system, so that drunken yobs and nuisance neighbours could be dealt with swiftly and effectively.

Anyhoo, Nanny has come up with another use for her favourite cure all. People who are caught feeding gulls in Scottish towns and cities will be ASBO'ed.

The ASBO option has been proposed in a report for the Scottish Executive, from the British Trust for Ornithology and Stirling University.

ASBO's could be used if offenders persist in feeding gulls, with fines and even jail a possibility if an order is breached.

A cull is ruled out because the population of some birds, particularly herring gulls, is very low. Aberdeen has about 7,000 gulls but the population is just 3,000 in Glasgow and 2,000 in Edinburgh.

However, it seems that some parts of Scotland now resemble scenes from Hitchcock's "The Birds".

The SNP's Margaret Ewing told how her MSP husband, Fergus, was dive-bombed by gulls while he was jogging in Lossiemouth.

As usual with Nanny's "big ideas" she has chosen to target the wrong people with the wrong legal instrument.

The best solution, let us dispense with the environmental niceties, is to shoot the little bastards.

Oops, that would of course contravene Nanny's other well thought out law that covers bird shooting.

Another nice mess you have got us in to Nanny!

Nanny and Auntie Get It Together

Further to my post yesterday, about the crack down on sex in booze adverts, it seems that Nanny has got together with her old chum Auntie to ram the message home about the dangers of drink.

I don't know, but the thought of these two "old dears" working together is really quite alarming!

Anyhoo, Nanny and Auntie have now set up a web information site on Auntie's Welsh website called RSOD (Risky Single Occasion Drinking); presumably it is OK to drink large amounts on a regular basis then?

The site has all manner of cartoons, videos and "helpful" information for those of you who want to go out and get pissed.

It even advises you to lay on your side when you are about to throw up, that's useful to know!

Indeed, for those you who don't speak English, it very helpfully offers a Welsh translation.

I am very pleased to see licence payers' money being used to help support Nanny, and her government, in this way.

Seemingly Auntie doesn't feel that this in any way infringes her "public service, non partisan ethos".

What do you think boys and girls?

No Sex Please We're Drunk

Nanny has got rather fed up with the amount of sex in society, in fact she is rather fed up with sex a whole.

Nanny is a Vulcan, who adheres rigidly to the Vulcan practice of "pang-phar"; whereby you only have sex once every seven years.

To this end she has decided that booze adverts that imply sex, or improved sexual prowess after downing 10 pints, should be banned.

A couple may sit together and share affectionate glances, but there must be no eroticism or sexual contact. The guidance effectively insists on a six-inch space between lovers, though glamorous individuals may still be featured.

Similarly, films promoting liquor must not be linked with acts of daring, toughness, rowdiness or rudeness.

The popping of champagne corks is still allowed, but scenes of party-goers soaked in champagne are not acceptable.

Nanny's new guidance says:

"Alcohol should not be used as an aid to seduction or to enhance a person's attractiveness".

She also says:

"Linking alcohol with mild flirtation or romance is similarly allowed, provided that it is limited to gentle dialogue, facial expressions or body language that do not imply sexual activity has taken..

, or about to take, place."

Clearly Nanny doesn't get out much, as far as I am aware 90% of sexual congress in the UK only occurs after the downing of a few pints and vodka shots.

Nanny Bans The Horn

Nanny, as predicted, has started to use her much vaunted ASBO's on things other than yobs and assorted riff raff.

She has now decided to ASBO taxi drivers in North Wales, for beeping their horns when they pick up customers.

Nanny's chums in the North Wales Police say that the use of horns "at all times of the day and night" in Colwyn Bay is damaging people's quality of life.

They have sent out a letter to cabbies, calling on them to end the practice.

The drivers have fought back, saying that they will use the horn within the legal hours.

We were warned about these ASBO's.

Nanny Dices With Death

Seemingly Nanny cannot allow the dead to rest in peace, as she seeks to control both the temporal and spiritual world.

My thanks to Geoff for sending me the photo.

Happy Easter everyone.

Ken

Nanny Bans Hot Cross Buns

As Easter is almost upon us I thought you would be pleased to know that Nanny has, just like she did at Christmas, stuck her interfering nose into this celebration as well.

It seems that schools across Britain have been ordered by local authorities to abandon the ancient tradition of serving hot cross buns at Easter, so that non Christians won't be offended.

The scary thing here is that we pay these council dimwits a salary.

Can anyone tell me why?

Nanny's friends in the councils are running scared of receiving complaints from non Christian religions.

Pathetic!

The morons who run Tower Hamlets have slapped a ban on hot cross buns, after they received complaints about serving....wait for it...pancakes on Shrove Tuesday.

A jackass (I would use stronger words, but it is Easter!) spokesman for the Labour-run council claimed that there had been "a lot" of complaints but did not have a figure.

The spokesman then added for good measure:

"We are moving away from a religious theme for Easter and will not be doing hot cross buns...

We can't risk a similar outcry over Easter like the kind we had on Pancake Day. We will probably be serving naan breads instead."

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned if you will, but isn't Easter a religious festival??

Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong on this!

Liverpool council, which is controlled by the Liberal Democrats, has seemingly told reporters that the symbol of the cross had the "potential to offend"; buns will no longer be served to children.

Despite this ruling, the council confirmed that it will continue to organise special menus to celebrate events as diverse as the Chinese New Year, Italian National Day and Russian Independence Day.

Twats!

Other councils on the hit list for removal from office, for not serving hot cross buns, include; York, and Wolverhampton both Labour run. Officials in Wakefield, which is also controlled by Labour, have decided it would be more appropriate to tailor the Easter menu to information technology.

"We are not serving hot cross buns at all..Each term we try to come up with a menu which encourages children to think about different issues...

This Easter term we chose information technology and did not even consider putting hot cross buns on the menu."

What were they smoking when they came up with that, I wonder?

Ann Widdecombe summed it up just right:

"These people are silly asses,".

"It would appear that we should know about everyone else's culture apart from our Christian tradition. It seems that anything that comes from an ethnic minority is fine, while anything Christian is wrong...

What can be more innocent than a hot cross bun?

There's no more fun way to explain the Christian tradition to a child and it is not as if eating a hot cross bun automatically makes you a born-again Christian."

I would note that the Muslim Council of Britain called the decision "very, very bizarre..This is absolutely amazing..

At the moment, British Muslims are very concerned about the upcoming war with Iraq and are hardly going to be taken aback by a hot cross bun."

Adding:

"Unfortunately actions like this can only create a backlash and it is not very thoughtful. I wish they would leave us alone. We are quite capable of articulating our own concerns and if we find something offensive, we will say so...

We do not need to rely on other people to do it for us...British Muslims have been quite happily eating and digesting hot cross buns for many years and I don't think they are suddenly going to be offended."

Given the above, I wonder precisely who Nanny is seeking to serve by banning these buns?

By the way Nanny's chums in the Food Standards Authority believe that hot cross buns are very healthy. On a weight-for-weight basis, the buns contain the lowest amount of sugar and fat; as well as having the highest fibre and lowest calorie content.

The bottom line is this, Nanny has gone mad and must therefore be "retired" immediately.