Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Fire and Brimstone

Fire and BrimstoneIn the "old days", when God was an Englishman who loved to watch cricket, those who attended church could be sure of a robust sermon promising "fire and brimstone" delivered from the pulpit by a crusty old vicar.

However, in Nanny's Britain, such a verbal ear bashing is now rather unlikely.

For why?

Nanny's chums from the local council's health and safety orifice have decreed that the pulpit in the Church of All Saints, in Wyke Regis Weymouth, presents a clear and present danger to the health of the vicar.

The church has been forced to draw up guidelines after being warned by council officials that the pulpit is "dangerous", and that preachers might be injured while climbing its seven spiral stone steps.

In case you are wondering about the safety record of the church, it was built in 1172and the pulpit was added in the 16th century; there have been no recorded injuries to any member of the clergy mounting the pulpit during this time.

One wonders quite how mankind has survived before Nanny's health and safety Gestapo were created!

Notwithstanding the unblemished safety record, Nanny insists that a modern handrail be added to the pulpit.

As an alternative, churchwarden Gary Hepburn drew up his own safety guidelines.

These state that no one under the influence of drink or drugs will be allowed to use the pulpit. The steps shall not be approached in dim lighting, by anyone with poor vision or wearing bifocals, or by anyone feeling unwell.

Those entering or leaving the pulpit are advised to make maximum use of the structure itself, and the stone column supporting it to steady themselves.

You will be pleased to know that the inspectors from the environmental health department of Weymouth and Portland Borough Council have been mollified by these guidelines, Mr Hepburn happens to be a health and safety consultant.

He said:

"The issues were raised when a visit was carried out by council officials on behalf of the Health and Safety Executive. They were looking at the building and its use in relation to the dangers that might be present in a workplace, which is not comparing like with like, in my humble opinion.

The most contentious item was the pulpit and there was no way the church authorities were going to allow a horrible plastic and metal handrail to be installed, so we had to try an alternative tack.

In my professional capacity, I knew the type of things that needed to be said to reassure the inspectors and the way in which they should be expressed.

Fortunately my Safe System Of Work pamphlet was successful and normal service has been resumed – although I must admit even my faith was sorely tested at one stage

What a waste of time and money!

Nanny is determined to destroy our cultural heritage, and the fabric of our society.

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  1. The 'Elf'n'Safety officers must find something wrong to justify their position. Common sense must never be allowed to come to the fore with these guys.

    I have been watching the Olympics over the weekend and have tried to picture what London 2012 will be like.....I suspect the 'Elf'n'Safety guys will have a field day....I wonder what events they will ban because they consider them too risky......I wonder if the Litter Police will be dishing out fines...Kerching...when cyclists or runners disgard their drink containers? A nice little earner for Nanny me thinks...Kerching!!

  2. Lord of Atlantis11:37 AM

    Bloody typical of these creeps, trying to make a problem where none has existed for over 400 years. I wonder if they would have poked their snouts into other peoples business, if the building had been a mosque rather than a Christian Church? I can only assume that these jobsworths live such sad little lives, that their only pleasure is in making life miserable for everybody else. Well done to Gary Hepburn for finding a sensible solution.
    Although I am not (and never have been) a member of the Church of England, in view of the troubles besetting the country, I feel that perhaps a few 'fire and brimstone' sermons might well be beneficial to society in this day and age.

  3. Brimstone and treacle would be more salutary. It should be compulsory twice a week for elf 'n safety narks. They'd be too busy purging themselves to go poking their noses around other peoples' business.

  4. Anonymous4:17 PM


    Given the history of the Church's bosses I'm surprised that the H&SE didn't demand and assessment for flood risk, lightning strikes, water danger for groups travelling in seaside areas and food and drink health risks.

    I wonder if they have sent a note to their counterparts at Weights and Measures and Food Safety regarding the loaves and fishes and HMRC to alert them to the possibility of conversion of water without paying duty on the alcoholic content of the result?

    Possibly also the Serious Fraud people just in case the claims for the wine prove to be false?

    Presumably the Anti Terrorist people are already on to them having noted that a senior figure admitted to headed off to a training camp in the desert at some point.

    It will take a smart H&S consultant to get them out of all of those!



  5. Anonymous7:01 PM

    But what about the water in the font? How frequently is it tested for purity in case one of the little ones catches an infection?

    And what tests are done on communion wafers and wine after their transubstantiation? Are H&S completely confident communion is safe every week?

  6. Anonymous12:53 PM

    Friends on the other side tell me that a handrail has now been added to the stairway to heaven...


  7. I GUARANTEE they aren't so fastidious about their inspections of your local mosques-