Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Nanny Boosts Takeaway Sales

Nanny Boosts Takeaway Sales
Nanny has been lecturing us for a very long time about the dangers of takeaway foods, such as fried chicken and burgers.

They will make us fat and kill us, apparently.

Anyhoo, this constant haranguing has negatively impacted the sales of these foods to such an extent that it is seriously threatening the stability of the economy.

Did you know that approximately 30% of British GDP is generated by the fast food industry?

No, I didn't either.

Nanny, needless to say, has had to back track a little on her anti takeaway stance.

Therefore, she has decided to give the takeaway industry a one off boost in sales today.

Ever since the First World War, when munitions workers were too pissed to build the bombs and shells, Nanny has deemed that pubs in Britain must close at 11pm.

This Thursday this daft old rule will finally be abolished, and those pubs and clubs that have applied for late licences (and have been approved) will be able to stay open beyond 11pm.

However, as with all of Nanny's laws, there is a quirk in the way that the Licensing Act will be implemented.

The change in the law comes into force at midnight on Thursday.

Can you see the problem here folks?

Get it?

Got it?


Yes, that's right!

The pubs will still have to shut on Wednesday at 11pm, under the old law; drinking up time being 20 minutes, means that there will be a 40 minute gap between closing and re-opening time for those with late licences.

This legal oddity has left the police wondering what to do.

A spokeswoman from Scotland Yard said:

"I didn't realise that it's stupid. Life's never simple, is it?

We are duty-bound to enforce the no-drinking rule but it just seems craziness

You see folks, there is a cunning point to this legal oddity, Nanny has in fact planned this 40 minute gap all along.

During the 40 minute break in drinking, people will inevitably go to the nearest takeaway.

A one off boom for that much maligned industry.

Nanny, you are a genius!

Note: the figures pertaining to the GDP of the British economy, quoted in this article, may in fact be utter bollocks.


  1. Maybe death from a combination of cirosis of the liver and arteriosclerosis brought on by a steady diet of Big Macs and Chicken McNuggets washed down with Watney's is preferable to enduring a long life under Nanny's insufferable thumb.

    On that note, I'd like to use this space to wish my compatriots a Happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully you'll deep fry your turkey, and don't forget to go back for second and third helpings (especially dessert). Also, for God's sake, please drink at least a full bottle of wine per adult!

    Do your part to piss off the diet nazis and tee-totalers!

  2. Anonymous1:39 PM

    I think 30% underestimates the effect on GDP.

    From what I have seen on the few occasions that I happen to be in, say, Nottingham at some late evening or early morning hour I would observe that the GDP (Gross Disgusting Puke) factor is well over 30%. It must be even higher by the time the clubs close.

    Tghe one sensible thing about the Nottingham tram (sorry, Light Rail) system is that they close it down quite early - presumably so some drunken idiots don't fall under the wheels. However I am sure they also would not wish their pride and joy to require refurbishment every day to recover from the revellers, so maybe that is more of a factor than the health and safety aspect.

  3. Anonymous1:58 PM

    liberranter reminds me that the US idea of takeaway food is a great antidote to drinking.

    In Florida last year for a conference I took the opportunity to experience the US theme park concept and visited Universal Studios. Feeling a tad peckish around mid day and remembering some blurb I had read, I visited one of the snack vending wagons and ordered a Turkey leg. and the smallest fizzy dronk size on offer ('twas a hot day and cold liquid was necessary.

    Obviously my mental allowance I had made for the probability that American turkeys are bigger than UK turkeys was not to accurate.

    I was handed something very hot and about the size of a dinosaurs thigh. It was almost too heavy to carry. The drink ("You'all sure you want a tiny one?") came in a small bucket, about the same size I use when washing the car.

    It took me about 40 minutes to eat and drink and there would have been no way on earth I could have managed anything liquid afterwards. Not for several hours in fact.

    Make such a break compulsory (keeping the close and re-open idea) and Nanny could be on to something quite clever.

    So that will never happen will it!

  4. grant:

    Your posting prompts a question: has any travel writer ever published a book on "Great 'Drunk Foods' of the World"? It would be a shame if no one has provided the international traveler with guidance on what booze-absorbing food to seek out in various countries at 3:00AM after a night of waging war on one's liver.

    My own fondest memories in that category would have to be from my years of living and working in Athens, where the souvlaki stands stayed open long enough after the bars and bouzoukis closed to ensure that you could eat something that kept the ouzo and retsina from eroding your stomach lining. Definitely a healthier (and tastier) alternative than a Double Quarterpounder with Cheese.

    Giyozas work well if you happen to be in Japan. . .

  5. Anonymous11:01 AM

    What an excellent idea from liberranter. Many a young life, and perhaps a few not so young, could be enhanced with such knowledge. I suspect the format should be a small electronic device with large typeface for instant reference as the moment grabs the well imbibed one. Or perhaps a utility program for a mobile phone application? With GPS location tracking you could simply hit a button and be guided unsteadily to the nearest vendor(s) of something suitable for providing optimum support for the level of intoxication. Which leads to the idea of a built in intoxication meter and perhaps Professional version with the ability to enter the mix of foods and liquids consumed in the previous 12 or 24 hours and an output that relates that information to the most appropriate foodlike intake under the circumstances.

    I could see a whole industry in that.

    Sadly I am not well qualified to offer scientific input or advice. Not that I have never been utterly out of it in my life, just that I don't recall it happening out in the streets and certainly not on a regular basis.

    And these days if I feel like heading in that relaxing direction for recreation I tend to stick to a location not too far from the regular place on which I lay my head. Or the hotel bar if travelling.

    I could perhaps identify a number of useful sources of such information. I believe the Subway franchise is quite favoured by young femails these days.