Size Matters

Nanny is always telling us that the new laws that she keeps passing are designed for our own safety and protection.

She is confident that we will eventually become used to the idea of animals receiving ASBO's, and uniformed civilians telling us what to do.

I don't know, you see the problem with this hypothesis is that it relies on the laws being sensible; and the officers of law enforcement applying them in a sensible manner.

Therefore, when you read a story like the one that I am going to relate to you, the hairs on the back of your neck begin to stand up.

I take you now on a journey to a communal garden centre, in a town far far away.

Er, Yarmouth actually!

There, brothers Stephen and Andy McSweeney (10 and 11 years old) were indulging in a spot of Star Wars with their light sabres.

This caused great alarm to the neighbours who, fearing an attack of the clones, decided to call 999.

The police duly turned up, flashing lights ablaze, and gave the youngsters a good talking to; they then issued them with "stop-and-account" notices.

Yes, that's right, a 10 and 11 year old were issued with "stop-and-account" notices for playing with light sabres.

Now this didn't go down too well with the boys' mother, Karen McSweeney, who feels that the police were a tad heavy-handed.

Mrs McSweeney said she thinks police may have been called to deal with older youths fighting in the street, which is plagued with rowdy teenage behaviour.

She believes the youths may have ridden off on mopeds before police arrived, and that officers only thought it was her sons because there was no one else about.

Police yesterday defended their action, stating that under legislation brought in this April they now have to issue stop-and-account notices each time they investigate criminal damage.

Now, you may well think that the police were justified in doing what they did; light sabres can be pretty fearsome weapons.

Maybe, you cry, Ken your over reacting!

I have of course left out one small piece of information about this little incident.

Namely, the size and condition of the light sabres.

They came from a box of Coco Pops, were made of flimsy plastic, and were no more than 6 inches in length.

You see, in this particular case, size really does matter!

The law can only work if people respect it.

Nanny is doing her level best to undermine people's respect for the law, and for those that have to enforce it.

Nanny Shoots Her Own Fox

You may recall that Nanny went to great lengths, a while back, to try to stamp out fox hunting.

Fox hunting is now illegal.

As with any illegal act, one might assume that Nanny's forces of law and order would be actively prosecuting those who perpetrate it.

Umm, well not so, this you must remember is Nanny's Britain; a looking glass world where things are never what they really seem to be.

It seems that Nanny's chums on the police have been told not to stop illegal fox hunts, when the hunting season begins, because of health and safety regulations.

Guidance drawn up by police chiefs instructs officers to take the most cautious approach when investigating reports of illegal hunts, for fear that they might injure themselves. They have been told not to go near hounds or horses, and not to confiscate dead animals as evidence in case of injury or infection.

Nanny has instructed officers to carry out risk assessments before embarking on an investigation.

This is a joke, isn't it?

Er no, it's not.

Police must also ask farmers for permission to go on their land, and not to use police helicopters in case they "cause alarm to horses".

Oddly enough this makes the Hunting Act of 2004 was completely unenforceable.

Gloucestershire and Devon and Cornwall police chiefs have stated:

"Police officers will not routinely be deployed to hunt meetings."

If officers are deployed it will only be after a detailed risk assessment completed on the deployment of that officer, or team by a responsible person. Appropriate support must be considered.

Officers sent to investigate a hunt should:

"record all available evidence (visual or verbal) in the most appropriate manner, by pocket notebook".

Nanny makes it makes clear that the police should not try to catch an illegal hunt taking place, but wait until it has run its course before investigating.

The police must use the new Countryside and Rights of Way Act, to see whether they have access to a particular piece of land.

Nanny concludes by saying that it might be "more appropriate" for an individual or organisation to take a civil or private action against an illegal hunt, rather than have police embark on a criminal investigation.

Were I a cynic, I might assume that Nanny wants her police force to follow up crimes that are easier to "solve"; which make good statistics for her annual crime survey and which are revenue beneficial.

You know, like speeding offences.

However, I'm not a cynic; am I?

Nanny Gives Us All A Headache

Nanny does seem to like interfering in the minutiae of our daily lives. I wonder why it is that she seems to have nothing better to do with her time.

There are more important issues such as; pensions, the health service, transport and the ever rising costs of the public sector to address.

However, instead, she devotes her time to trivia.

I found myself on the receiving end of one aspect of her obsession with trivia the other day.

I went to my local pharmacy to buy 3 packets of a migraine relief treatment for my partner Eva, who is over in Sweden at the moment and cannot buy it there.

Unfortunately, Nanny's rules only permit the purchase of one packet. Seemingly, in her mind, I am not adult enough or intelligent enough to be trusted with more than one packet.

Needless to say the good people at the pharmacy also thought that this rule is absolute nonsense. After a discrete chat it was decided, in the spirit of the war time black market, that I could purchase the requisite 3 packets.

As the good people of the pharmacy said, were I stupid enough to overdose on the pills at least I wouldn't have a headache.

This silly little rule brought to mind another trivial rule, brought in by Nanny, that lacked common sense and was of course unenforceable.

Those of you with long memories will recall the beef on the bone ban, this was equally easily flouted; the Frost family always managed to acquire their Sunday roast on the bone during that daft period.

Nanny Bans Canopy

The Duke of Norfolk has got into a bit of a row with his Roman Catholic bishop, The Right Rev Kieran Conry, over the abolition of a centuries old tradition.

It seems that the bishop has had an attack of Nannyitis, and has decided to remove an ornamental canopy from the Corpus Christi procession from Arundel Cathedral to the castle.

The canopy has been in use, without incident, since the 1880's. However, the bishop has decided that it now represents a health and safety hazard.

Apparently, if newspaper reports are accurate, the Duke exploded; that in itself, I would have thought, was also a health and safety issue!

Nanny Bans The Bible Again

It seems that Nanny's chums, in the University Hospitals of Leicester (UHL) NHS Trust, have got a wee bee in their bonnets over the placing of bibles by the side of patients' beds.

Nanny has decided that bibles may offend non Christians, and as such will meet today to decide as to whether they should be banned.

Nanny issued a statement, from the Trust, saying:

"University Hospitals of Leicester (UHL) NHS Trust is committed to religious diversity and equality,".

Adding:

"The trust can confirm that discussions are currently taking place between the Chaplaincy, Infection Control, Service Equality and Volunteer Services departments to determine whether religious texts will continue to be provided in patients' bedside lockers at Leicester General Hospital, Leicester Royal Infirmary and Glenfield Hospital".

It is nice to see that, given the scarce resources of the NHS, they have time to focus their efforts on such an absurd topic.

The weasles on the Health Trust have also claimed that the bibles may prove to be a source of the superbug.

Bollocks!

If that were really a serious issue, then all other forms of printed material would be banned in hospital wards.

These people are pathetic!

No one forces the patients to open or read the bibles.

The only type of person who could possibly be offended by the existence of a book, would be that type of person who took part in the book burnings in Nazi Germany.

Where first you burn books, next you burn people!

Nanny Bans Cocks

Is it me, or has Nanny surpassed herself this time?

Inverclyde Council, worried about the corrupting effect on children, have banned the use of the word cock.

Don't believe me?

Check out their site listing for entertainment, scroll down a bit and you will see "bleeptails".

Instead of worrying about the damaging effects of cocks, Inverclyde might care to apply their minds to another issue.

They have been blasted by the Accounts Commission as being the "worst in Scotland".

Well done lads!