Nanny's Home Delivery

Nanny is concerned about the welfare of all of her charges, and she is keen to show that even the most feeble low life is treated by her with "respect" and "love".

As such is should come as no surprise to read that a week or so ago Barry Chambers, a fugitive from the long arm of the law, was given some extra special treatment by Nanny.

Chambers, a suspected car thief, was pursued by police in car then on foot until he climbed up a drainpipe onto a roof in Gloucester City.

He spent around 20 hours up there, during this time he took it upon himself to dismantle a chimney and hurl bricks at officers and passers-by.

Residents had to be moved from nearby houses, for their own safety as the situation became increasingly dangerous.

However, have no fear, Nanny was soon on the scene. She ordered her police force to ensure that Chambers' human rights were not breached; consequently he was sent a nice box of Kentucky Fired Chicken, some fags and a can of Pepsi.

The can was rejected and he demanded a 2 litre bottle instead, Nanny duly obliged.

Gloucestershire Police said that, although he was being "a nuisance", they still had to look after his well-being and human rights.

Now of course, before you all react with anger about how this man was so well treated; do remember that Nanny regards fags, fried chicken and fizzy drinks as evil.

She was not trying to help him, but kill him. As the saying goes "killing with kindness".

Educashun

Goodness me, what an outpouring of discourse "The Mass Debate" caused yesterday!

Anyhoo, may I tear you away from the mechanics of projectiles and divert your attention to Nanny and her works?

This little vignette sounds almost so implausible that I thought someone was "'aving a larf" with me. Regrettably it is 100% true.

One of Nanny's chums, Dr Mike Reddy a senior lecturer in computing and engineering at the University of Wales, wants to engender trust and respect in his students.

Er, why?

I have no idea, but the method he has chosen will do no more than to make him look like a twat in their eyes.

He has decided to let them set their own final-year exam, and also to take notes into the exam hall in case they could not answer their own questions.

What???? I hear you ejaculate (oh dear, there's that word before the 9PM watershed).

Yes folks, not only do his students get to set the exam, just in case they really are too thick and dumb they can also take their own notes in to answer their own questions!

Beggars belief doesn't it?

Dr Reddy claims that it is better than "the common practice" of recycling old exam papers, or giving "strong hints" about content. Well, none of the exams I took were recycled; but then again, my lecturers and teachers actually took some pride in their work.

He said:

"We all wanted the chance to show the research we had put into the subject.

Some people would suggest that an open-book exam is open to plagiarism.

I would counter that by the fact that the students felt a trust and respect from our collaboration."

Prof Alan Smithers, the director of the centre for education and employment research at Buckingham University, said that this was a load of old bollocks (or rather he implied it:)):

"Final degree exams recognise achievement and provide accurate information about how well the student has done.

They are high stakes and competitive and should be carried out under invigilated standards."

In the same spirit, Nanny Knows Best is proud to announce its own degree scheme. Those of you who want to award themselves a first class degree in Nanny Studies should send a cheque addressed to the Ken Frost "build a holiday villa in Spain" fund.

It is not only fun, novel, exciting and challenging; it is compulsory!

The Mass Debate

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My word, it does seems that my article yesterday about Nanny teaching children about selecting targets to bomb has caused something of a debate on the cause of the Twin Towers collapse.

Quite a large amount of name calling too!

Anyhoo, I have dug up a summary on the Channel 4 website covering their documentary on the Twin Towers collapse. Sorry folks, fire and impact were the cause.

I could not find a video link to the documentary. However, if anyone has such a link please could they send it to me and I will put it up on the site.

Please feel free to debate the issues to your hearts' content. However, please resist the urge to call each other twats etc; that special honour is reserved for Nanny and her lackeys.

Ken

Bombers R Us

Nanny takes educahsun seriously, aside from ensuring that all pupils achieve a 100% pass rate so that they can all go to "university" (ie so that they don't go on the unemployment register), Nanny is also teaching children about citizenship.

Her new citizenship classes are aiming to help children to get into the mind of the terrorists who carried out the September 11 attacks.

Teaching packs entitled 9/11: The Main Chance, which invite pupils to imagine organising a terrorist attack, have been distributed to schools running Nanny's much vaunted citizenship classes.

One worksheet in Nanny's pack asks the pupils to imagine what terrorist targets there are in their neighbourhoods. They have then to suggest what weapons and methods should be used to ensure the most effective results.

The worksheets also contain a number of links to other terrorism-related articles, including one on food terrorism and how fast-food chains could be attacked.

Not content with attacking fast food chains?

Then why not attack our water supply? Another article is headlined "How safe is our water?"

Many of the links in the packs expound totally daft conspiracy theories, eg that the suggestion that the American military shot down flight United 93.

Nanny's chum, Tim Window a creator of 9/11: The Main Chance, said that the packs had been used with great success at a pupil referral unit he works at in East London before they were introduced across the borough of Waltham Forest.

Window claims that packs are culturally sensitive, and said that they were about teaching pupils to bring "impartial and unbiased information" to a subject.

What utter bollocks!

Nanny claims that teaching all children about British culture and traditions would allow Muslim children to integrate better into society.

It seems to me that this is will just encourage pupils to reject the society that they live in, and teach them methods of disrupting it.

Educashun

It is nice to know that Nanny's educashun system, so prized in presenting us with 100% pass rates, is now recognised by those in higher education as producing illiterates.

It seems that British students are struggling to win places at university because of competition from European applicants, who have "better English".

Malcolm Grant, the provost of University College London, said that the reputation of higher education in Britain made it a beacon for highly qualified English-speaking students from across Europe, including those from the European Union's new member states.

Speaking at a seminar organised by the think-tank Politeia, Professor Grant said admission tutors were offering places to highly motivated French, German and east European students.

Quote:

"Often, people who have studied a foreign language formally are better at it."

To make matters worse, EU students must repay the £3,000 a year top-up fees when their annual earnings exceed £15,000. However, Nanny has not yet worked out how to keep tabs on their salaries.

Doh!

Nanny Gives Crapita £100M

Nanny has special friends, on whom she likes to lavish her largesse and favours. One of those special friends is the ever popular, and much respected, Crapita.

Nanny decided to waste £100M of our money on her much vaunted, yet inept and useless, reward card scheme designed to encourage teenagers to attend school.

Whatever happened to a sound beating instead, as a means of "encouraging" attendance?

It could have paid for more than 3,300 new teachers, 250,000 laptop computers or replenished understocked school libraries with 10 million new text books.

Anyhoo, the £100 million was wasted on the Connexions Card, which has now been axed. However, not all was wasted; £66M of this went to Crapita, who ran the scheme.

Nick Seaton, the chairman of the Campaign for Real Education, said:

"Millions of pounds of taxpayers' money has ended up

in the coffers of the Government's friends at Capita because of this gimmick.

This money would have been much better spent in schools and colleges

on raising basic standards,

so that pupils have the necessary levels to continue with education."

The Connexions Card was launched by Nanny's Department for Education and Skills six years ago. It was designed to give 16 to 19 year olds an incentive to stay on at school by giving them "loyalty points" that they could exchange for discounts on CDs, clothes and tickets for events.

Needless to say, Nanny was warned that her daft scheme was utter bollocks. However, being a person never to listen to facts, Nanny continued to back the scheme; even though there was no evidence that it had improved teenagers' motivation, or led to more staying on.

In fact, less that 4% of teenagers had redeemed points with the card. Just 54,788 had used it by the end of 2004, fyi the target was 1.7 million.

Whilst the scheme was failing, Crapita made £66M and (under the contract) is due to receive a further £41M.

Nice work if you can get it!