Nanny Bans Ladies and Gentlemen

 

The phrase "Ladies and Gentlemen" has been used for yonks as a simple and non offensive way to address a large group of people.

Sadly it does not pass the test when used in the presence of an attention seeking twat looking to take offence at everything.

Step forward Laurence Coles who took great exception to being classed as either a Lady or Gentleman (during an announcement by the train manager) on a trip by train the other day.

Coles duly tweeted to LNER which, for reasons bets known to itself, not only apologised but asked for details (which Laurence said he was happy to provide).

Thus Coles dropped the train manager in the shit.

A pretty shitty thing to do, especially as it transpires that Coles is a train guard and is the union rep for the RMT!

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Warm Weather and The Rail Network

We built the Cairo to Khartoum railway, ffs. https://t.co/JYTsz9nxfW

— Old Holborn✘ (@Holbornlolz) June 25, 2018

Nanny gets so worked up over a little warm weather, not only is she advising us to stay indoors but she is also telling us that the rail network will grind to a halt (will anyone notice?) because of the heat!

FFS!


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You Can't Legislate Against Stupidity

Three graffiti artists were killed yesterday by a freight train on tracks in south-west London.

British Transport Police (BTP) found the bodies of three men believed to be in their 20s after being called at 7.34am on Monday, when a train driver noticed them on tracks between Brixton and Loughborough Junction stations. Spray cans were found close by and officers were seen photographing graffiti as part of their inquiries.

A BTP spokesman said the force was trying to trace the train that hit the men and it was not clear what time the incident happened. Rail industry sources told the Guardian that the incident occurred at about 5am, before passenger services were running in the area. They believed the victims may have been caught in the slipstream of a passing empty train.

Who would have thought that arsing around near rail tracks would increase the risk of being hit by a train?

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Danger Llamas On The Line!

Trains being cautioned between Hildenborough & Sevenoaks due to sightings of llamas on the line.

— Southeastern (@Se_Railway) May 8, 2017

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Nanny Promotes Gender Segregation

Nanny Corbyn, should he ever be elected as Prime Minister (when he will be 70), has decided that men pose such a threat to women when they travel on trains that he will segregate the sexes and have women only carriages.

Segregation for your own "safety" on trains is but the first step to segregation in other aspects of our lives.

Beware the rise of the dinosaurs!

Pretty sure that ISIS back a policy of women-only carriages on public transport.

— John McTernan (@johnmcternan) August 26, 2015

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Nanny Bans Brighton Station Piano

In February of this year I wrote a cynical piece about a proposal by Peter Kyle (prospective Labour candidate for Hove) to install a piano in Brighton station.

I noted that commuters would be better pleased with an improvement to services etc.

However, time moved on and a piano was indeed installed. I was proved wrong and commuters, it seems, really rather enjoyed tinkling the ivories etc.

Sadly Nanny, in the shape of Brighton station bosses, has now decided that the piano isn't quite right.

For why?

#Brighton station bosses say the public piano will have to be moved because its too noisy
— BBC Sussex (@BBCSussex) August 22, 2014

This I find to be rather odd because it's a farking railway station in one of Britain's leading seaside resorts, does Nanny not know that the station is rather farking noisy anyway?

Methinks the decision is more to do with the crap, and widely ridiculed, queuing system that was created when new ticket machines were installed.

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Pluck Off!

It seems that Nanny is worried about pluckers (people who steal mobiles etc from sleeping people's laps on trains).

Have people so little commonsense that they would leave a valuable object on their laps whilst taking a nap in public?

Image courtesy of Estie Carrillo.

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Bread and Circuses

It has long been a maxim of governments, despots, Nanny et al that the people whom they rule need to be diverted from the important issues; usually via bread and circuses.

Step forward Peter Kyle, Labour parliamentary candidate for Hove, who is offering his own small "circus" in the form of a piano at Brighton station in order to divert the attention of commuters from the delays and generally squalor of commuting.

Kyle has offered to cover the costs of getting a piano. He is quoted by the Argus:

“Brighton and Hove is a creative city, packed full of talent. 

Just think how much of that talent passes through the wonderfully renovated central station at any one time? 

With all the delays and the travel chaos what better way to raise people’s spirits than to have a piano.”

Would it not be better, and more appreciated by the commuters, if the issues of the delays and chaos were addressed instead?

Kyle has sent a letter to Chris Burchell, managing director of Southern, making a formal offer to buy the piano.

“I would love to work with you to see if a suitable place could be found in our fantastic station to place a piano. 

Think of the potential to delight passengers as they spend a moment waiting for a train, or at other times when it could dissipate the frustration felt by people facing delays or those who have been battered by the weather on their journey to the station.”

May I ask loyal readers who have endured delays and travel chaos on trains if they would feel their frustrations dissipated by hearing a fellow commuter bang out a tune on the ivories? All of this assumes that the pianist is both sober and competent at playing the piano.

Kyle would better spend his energies looking into ways to improve the quality and punctuality of the train services from Brighton, especially at peak times.

By happenstance (as per the BBC) most train passengers are unaware of their rights to compensation after cancellations or delays. As many as 75% of those using Britain's railways do not know enough about claiming money back, according to the Office of Rail Regulation (ORR).

 

Pianos all round!

Meanwhile spokesman for Southern said:

“We think this is a great idea, but we have to look into the practicalities of it. 

We’ll be responding to Mr Kyle’s letter once we have gone through that process.” 

In the unlikely event a piano is installed, I would like to hear from loyal readers their requests for appropriate "commuting tunes" that should be played.

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Nanny Loves Little Animals

As the country endures a veritable 40 day biblical downpour of storms and floods (please note the water companies will be wasting most of this water and, come summer, will be claiming "drought"!), it is reassuring to know that Nanny's chums in the Environment Agency put the welfare of small animals and birds ahead of humans.

Aside from stopping the dredging of the 800 year old drainage channels in Somerset, lest the water voles be harmed, Nanny has also held back working on the protection of the Dawlish railway line until a study had been completed on the impact on local birdlife.

Lord Berkeley, a former rail industry executive, has said (as per the Telegraph) that the Environment Agency was “looking after birds before humans”.

The beaches and mudflats in the Dawlish area are a renowned haven for birdlife, home to 12,000 wading birds including oystercatchers and redshanks. Rare species including avocets and black-tailed godwits have also been seen.

Lord Berkeley said that the agency had not taken concerns about the railway seriously at a meeting.

“They said they could repopulate the beach, pump sand onto it to raise it up so the waves broke further out – but the birds would have to be looked after.” 

Nanny loves wildlife because it doesn't answer back, hence her continued efforts to turn us into hybrid "sheeple".

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A Touch of Wind

Doubtless last night's wee wind will be blamed on global warming!

It is worthy of note that aside from the fact train services have all but stopped in certain areas of the country, the train information websites such as National Rail and Southern have also collapsed (has a tree hit their server?).

Sigh!

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Southern Advice

My compliments to Southern Railway for the following advice displayed on their "in train" electronic message boards on Tuesday:

"During hot weather please remember to take a bottle of water with you. If you fell unwell it is normally best to get off at the next station and seek assistance."

Sage advice indeed, so long as the toilets work and the train isn't stranded for too long between stations!

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The Rule Book

My thanks to a loyal reader who alerted me to story about Alan Chittock, an employee of Southend Central railway station, who leapt on to the track to help rescue a disabled woman whose wheelchair rolled onto the line.

Mr Chittock and three others jumped onto the line whilst other staff tried to alert signallers; they managed to save her before the other train arrived.

Now, as is the case with incidents of this nature, the rail operator (c2c) is conducting a formal investigation in order to identify exactly what happened and to try to see if there are any lessons that can be learned.

Sadly, this being an exercise by the "rule book", Mr Chittock has been suspended pending the outcome of the investigation.

Whilst the Mail fulminates that this is an injustice, its ire and that of Bob Crowe (never shy of wading into something if it will aid his political and personal ambitions) should be temporarily placed in stasis.

When accidents happen, investigations need to be carried out in order to determine the facts; it would be irresponsible of c2c not to conduct a thorough investigation. As to whether they handled the suspension of Mr Chittock with sensitivity or not it is not clear.

That being said, if the facts are as stated by Mr Chittock then after the investigation is concluded he deserves to be fully reinstated and awarded a commendation for acting as a human being not a robot.

Rule books are there for guidance, sometimes human instinct should be allowed to override the rules.


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Nanny's Toilet Safety Administration

My thanks to a loyal reader who shared with me a rather bizarre lavatorial experience that he had the other day at East Grinstead railway station:

"Recently I decided to use 'the facilities' at our lovely brand spanking new railway station building in East Grinstead. 

The new building boasts 2 unisex cubicle toilet rooms, suitably equipped also for disabled passengers. However, the doors to both were locked and could only be opened by requesting assistance from a Southern Railways employee. 

So I enquired of the ticket collector at the barrier why this was so, and he informed me in all earnestness that this was down to 'new health and safety' regulations. 

I am not quite sure whose health or safety this was designed to protect, nor am I aware of any new HSE directives. 

Have you come across anything?"

Has anyone else experienced similar lavatorial health and safety issues?

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Snow Joke

I see that with less than an inch of snow London's mainline stations are closing. Oh, and Pontypool ski centre is closed today.

All hail the Nanny state for looking after us so "well" and for protecting us from risk!

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Priority Seating

The intended users of "priority seating" finally identified!

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Climbdown - Nanny Likes Flowers

Loyal readers will recall that last Thursday I wrote about the problems that Brain and Janna Coomber were having with Nanny:

"...after several years of doing the floral decorations (for free) at Weymouth railway station they have been told by Nanny to stop it.

For why?

Nanny fears for their health and safety wrt their use of a ladder for filling the hanging planters ."

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, following the furore Nanny has backed down and has told them that they can carry on doing the flowers.

What happened?

Well, seemingly a risk assessment has now been conducted which has given the all clear; additionally South West Trains claims that there was a "misunderstanding".

LOL!

Nothing to do with the adverse publicity then?

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Nanny Hates Flowers

On the subject of flowers, as Lord of Atlantis pointed out yesterday, Nanny does seem to have something of a grudge against them.

As Brian and Janna Coomber discovered recently, when after several years of doing the floral decorations (for free) at Weymouth railway station they have been told by Nanny to stop it.

For why?

Nanny fears for their health and safety wrt their use of a ladder for filling the hanging planters.

What a sad, petty and timid little country we have become!

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The Dangers of Train Travel

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Health and Safety BS

Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.

As a country we have evidently become raving mad, if this latest health and safety nonsense is anything to go by.

Ian Faletto was the station master at Lymington Station.

On seeing a supermarket trolley lying on the tracks in March he decided to remove it, lest it cause an accident.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, South West Trains (his employer) sacked him for gross misconduct.

South West Trains ban staff from going onto the line unless it is an emergency, or they are trying to prevent a disaster.

Ermm...isn't that the case here then?

As said, as a country we have gone raving mad!

Those of you who wish to see him reinstated can sign a petition here Petition for Reinstatement.

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Prats of The Week - Euro Nanny

Lawks a mercy, it has been a wee while since I have awarded my prestigious and internationally renowned "Prats of The Week" Award.

Therefore, without further ado, I am delighted to be able to announce this week's winner.

None other than Nanny's European Commission.

For why?

The other week they came up with a "brilliant" idea to reduce carbon emissions (something, so we are told, that is very dangerous for all of us...if only Nanny was around when the first caveman lit his first fire!).

What is Euro Nanny's "brilliant" idea?

Ban petrol/diesel vehicles from city centres by 2050, and dictate that 50% of all journeys above 186 miles will be by rail.

Simples!

Seemingly, in Nanny's world, by 2050 we will have invented a decently performing electric car and the public transport system of every city in Europe will be first class.

Simples!

I know, let's use nuclear powered cars!

Siim Kallas, the EU transport commission, said that Brussels directives and new taxation of fuel would be used to force people out of their cars and onto "alternative" means of transport.

The European Commission, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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