Nanny Knows Best

Nanny Knows Best
Dedicated to exposing, and resisting, the all pervasive nanny state that is corroding the way of life and the freedom of the people of Britain.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The Dead Cat Bounce

The Dead Cat BounceThere is an expression used by City traders for when a stock, that has collapsed spectacularly in one day, rises by a few percent the next.

This is known as a "dead cat bounce".

Nanny has her own version of the dead cat bounce, which she applies to those taking GCSE's.

Now we all know that life is hard, and that the real world offers you no favours.

However, Nanny feels that children taking exams should not actually be exposed to reality; in her perverse way she thinks that she does them a favour by protecting them from life's harsh realities.

In effect, by "protecting" them from reality she ill prepares them for life; over protection does no one any favours.

Anyhoo, in this particular instance Nanny has decided that when a pet of an exmaninee dies the exmaninee will be credited with an extra 2%. Oh, and if you have a headache, that's worth 1%.

So little Johnny just needs to create a dead pet, and say that he has a headache.

Et voila!

An extra 3%.

Easy money!

Don't believe me?

Then ask Nanny's chums at the Joint Council for Qualifications (JCQ), which represents England's three main exam authorities.

In fact there is a little list of the extra credits that can be earned, that a reasonably street savvy kid can really milk:

-Recent death of parent or close relative - 5%
-Recent death of distant family member - 4%
-Witness to distressing event on day of exam - 3%
-Hay fever - 2%
-Death of family pet on day of exam - 2%
-Pet dies day before exam - 1%
-Headache - 1%

The argument that Nanny puts forward is that the extra credits are there as:

"a way of compensating a candidate who has been genuinely adversely affected by a situation beyond their control."

The problem is that in real life, shit happens!

Nanny is ill equiping the children of today, for the problems of the future.


  1. Anonymous3:32 PM

    Notice the way they use the word "compensate." Ironic in these times of zero-responsibility compensation culture running riot

  2. I hear that Michael Howard had a headache on the day of the election. I hereby request that two of Labours seats are therefore given to the Conservatives to make up for this disadvantage.

  3. Anonymous11:00 AM

    i have neaver heard such nonsense in my life. Consideration of the circumstances if a parent dies close to ther exams I can undertand but extra marks because the budgie's died is crazy.

    Will the student have to produce Fido's death certificate?How can you prove a headache?I can see that this suggestion will be open to all kinds of abuse