Nanny's Loyalty Programme

Now I know that Nanny often gets a bad press these days. People look for every opportunity to “dis her” and her friends.

One media obsession is the level of “freebies” that Nanny, her family and friends receive. Holidays, clothing, and publishing deals; the press simply can’t stop going on about Nanny’s alleged abuses of power.

Now here I must make a stand for Nanny; she and her entourage do occasionally go shopping, she and her chums have even been known to spend money.

In fact recently, during one of these shopping trips, Nanny came across the supermarket loyalty card.

Now that got her thinking; if supermarkets can create loyalty among their customers, why couldn’t she do the same with her “charges”?

She was particularly impressed with the fact that these card schemes can collect data about customers’ shopping habits.

She put her trusted friend David “trial without jury” Blunkett on the case, asking him to come up with a suitable scheme. He did not disappoint his mistress (Nanny that is, not the other one), and has come back with a sure-fire winner (seen below).



The scheme will be called the National Loyalty Programme (NLP), and will be open to everyone in the country; not just those who shop at certain supermarkets.

Blunkett proudly discussed the scheme with the media the other day; he noted that the supermarket schemes were pretty inferior. After all they only collect data about their own customers’ shopping habits; this data is not shared with other agencies, or used for anything other than providing consumers with more choice.

Nanny abhors choice; in her view the more products and services available to people, the more confused they become. Far better to restrict choice, and let Nanny worry about what people can buy and use.

The NLP will therefore offer nothing to anyone; zero choice means zero confusion!

As regards data sharing; well, individuals’ details and habits will be recorded by the NLP and naturally will be shared with all of Nanny’s departments and agencies. A massive improvement on the supermarket schemes; which do not share data.

The real icing on the cake is the cost of running the scheme. Supermarket schemes are free to join, and as such are costly to run; supermarkets have to pay to administer their schemes, and provide their members with rewards. Well, as noted, the NLP will offer absolutely nothing to its members; therefore significantly reducing the costs of the scheme. However, and this is the best bit, the members of NLP will have to pay to belong to it. Preliminary figures suggest that the registration fee will be around £50 per head, plus a renewal fee every few years.

Nanny was so pleased with Blunkett’s scheme, not only will the fee cover the costs of administering it; the fee will in fact provide a surplus for Nanny and her friends, to use to further consolidate their grip on power.

Nanny knows that crafty old Blunkett has in fact created a means of levying a backdoor poll tax.

Selling the scheme will be easy; as Blunkett told the media the other day:

“The National Loyalty Programme is not only fun, novel and exciting; hell it’s compulsory!”

However, you need not fear that this will be steamrollered through. All you will be required to do at this stage is to submit all your personal details to Nanny, sign a form underneath the bit that says “for the rest of my life”; then you can think about it.

As Blunkett said:

“People can trust the state…honest!”