Are you sitting comfortably children?
Then I'll begin:
"Once upon a time there was a very nasty
bunch of people living in Naziland,
who didn't much care for freedom of speech
When they came across 'seditious'
material in a book, magazine or
newspaper they would burn it.
That way all these nasty 'seditious'
thoughts and ideas wouldn't pollute
the pure minds of the citizens of Naziland.
Fortunately the good people of Britain,
and what was left the free world, bombed
the bastards to death.
That, my dears, was the end of book
burning in Western Europe..."
Or was it?
You see there are other forms of "book burning" that don't necessarily require a physical conflagration, and are less obvious.
For example, if Nanny can censor a book before it is even published that removes the need for a public burning.
Nanny's chums in Orchard Books are converts to the 21st Century version of book burning. They were shocked and appalled at the ideas being developed in a book by Lindsey Gardiner, and therefore decided to tell her to remove certain parts from her book before they would publish it.
What were her crimes?
Poetry praising suicide bombers maybe?
No, you go to jail for that in Nanny's Britain (rather odd that Rupert Brooke was praised less than a century ago for his turgid tripe eulogising the glories of war), the book is a children's book.
Ms Gardiner featured a fire-breathing dragon, which the book burners at Orchard Books felt to be a health and safety hazard.
I hear you ejaculate (can I say ejaculate?)
I kid you not!
Seemingly, in Britain's new order, the scene showing her dragon toasting marshmallows with his breath was deemed likely to encourage children to do the same.
Errrmm...can anyone spot the rather obvious flaw in this dubious "logic" employed by Orchard?
Yes, that's right, there aren't any farking dragons!
However, those of you who are into dragons may enjoy this episode of "Ivor The Engine" which has escaped the book burners.
Ms Gardiner was also instructed to remove scenes relating to an electric cooker with one element glowing red (it had to be changed to green???), and of a boy on a ladder.
How the fark are children meant to learn about the world, if they are not allowed to read about it?
People have ladders and cookers, you cannot edit them out of real life.
Ms Gardiner noted that her manuscript for "Who Wants A Dragon?" was hardly any more dangerous than Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood etc (all involving death by eating, child molestation scenarios and allegories for the onset of puberty).
Ms Gardiner said:
"It's a sad reflection of modern society."
She is quite right, Nanny and her book burners are destroying society in a way that the people of Naziland could only dream of.
"I've had books published in Japan,
France, Spain and Holland and
they don't ask for the same changes.
It seems to be in Britain and the U.S.
that there are problems."
We have become what we sought to protect the world from, intolerant book burners.
Orchard Books claim:
"With a wealth of fascinating fiction
and stimulating non-fiction,
we've got everything you'll ever need."
Why not drop them a note and let them know what you think?
Here is the link Orchard Books
The people of Orchard Books should remember this:
"Where first you burn books you next burn people."