WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????

MPs have been urged to launch an inquiry into the placement of foster children after a white Christian girl was reportedly put into the care of a non-English speaking Muslim family.

The child, aged five, who speaks English as her first language, has been looked after by two different Muslim households in the past six months.

The girl was reportedly told to remove her Christian crucifix necklace and was not allowed to eat carbonara because it contained bacon.

She was allegedly encouraged to learn Arabic in one household and was begging not to go back there because "they don't speak English", according to a confidential report from the local authority seen by the Times newspaper.

Source Telegraph

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Nanny Bans Latin Abbreviations

Nanny's experts in wordspeak are concerned that some of her subjects are too thick to understand Latin abbreviations that have been used for centuries eg; ie, QED, eg,etc.

Therefore Nanny will ban all Latin abbreviations on all of her official websites ie (oops I can't say that anymore!) those hosted under GOV.UK.

Seemingly the phrases could confuse English speakers who were "under stress or in a hurry".

This of course is bollocks, because Latin is the root of many European languages (especially English) and forms a common bond between these languages.

Nanny would do better on focusing her gimlet eye on reducing the amount of guff she writes, and clarifying her bureaucratic wordspeak!

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Nanny Bans Ungoogleable

As loyal readers know, Nanny is fond of banning certain words and phrases lest they cause offence (eg because in her view they are non pc).

However, sometimes Nanny is not always looking at a word or phrase from the "pc" perspective, but sometimes Nanny looks at it from the "corporate perspective".

Step forward Google (the epitome of free speech) which had a bone to pick with the good people from the Language Council of Sweden

Every year the Language Council publishes its top 10 new words that have entered the Swedish language, with the objective of showing how language and culture develops and changes (the reverse of what the French language police do;)).

Anyhoo last December one of the words that appeared in the list was "ungoogleable" (ogooglebar in Swedish), defined by the Council as "something that cannot be found with any search engine".

Sadly for the Swedes Google was not best pleased, it raised an objection.

For why?

Trademark issues.

Google wanted the meaning to relate only to Google searches. It called for changes to the Language Council of Sweden's definition and asked for a 'disclaimer' stressing that Google is a trademark.

All very well, but the word is used by Swedes to mean something that cannot be found with ANY search engine; ie in order to comply with Google's diktat the Swedes would have had to alter the meaning (much like the language censors in Orwell's 1984 did).

Therefore, in order to avoid a lengthy legal battle and in order to maintain their integrity the Swedes removed it from the list, but did so publicly.

A statement on the Language Council of Sweden's website, as per the BBC:

"Who decides language? We do, language users. We decide together which words should be and how they are defined, used and spelled."

In response, a Google spokesperson told the BBC:

"While Google, like many businesses, takes routine steps to protect our trademark, we are pleased that users connect the Google name with great search results." 

Wasn't it Google that also once said "don't be evil"?

Plus ca change!

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Nanny Bans, Then Unbans Apostrophes

I am gemused to read about the recent antics of Nanny's chums from Mid-Devon District Council, who have been getting their collective knickers in a twist over the English language and "how she is spoke".

Seemingly the learned members of Mid-Devon District Council were of the view that apostrophes are just too confusing for the "intellect" of 21st Century minds, and as such banned them from street names.

Needless to say this dumbing down, and bastardisation of grammatical rules, attracted widespread criticism and derision.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's (ooh, did you see how cunningly I inserted an apostrophe there?) right, Nanny unbanned the ban.

Apostrophes are now legal once more in Mid Devon.

Hoozah!

What utter knobheads!

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Les Prats De La Semaine - The French

Ooh La La Missus, today I would like to make an international presentation of my prestigious "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to the French, or rather one of French Nanny's government departments the Commission Générale de Terminologie et de Néologie (tasked with keeping the French language "pure").

How does it do this?

Simple, it reinvents new French words to replace "evil" new foreign ones that have invaded the language; al la "1984".

Thus it has come to pass that the word "hashtags" has been banned by French Nanny from all legislation and official correspondence etc.

The new French word for hashtags is "mot-dièse" (sharp word).

All very "amusing", no doubt. However, the Commission Générale de Terminologie et de Néologie forgets that a language (if the culture that uses it is still vibrant and living) continues to grow, develop and evolve.

On the assumption that the French language is not yet dead, you can no more stop its evolution than you can disinvent the wheel.

The Commission Générale de Terminologie et de Néologie, well deserving Prats De La Semaine!


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Prats of The Week - Applied Language Solutions

My oh my, it has seemed like a gazillion years since I last awarded one of my prestigious, and internationally renowned, Prats of The Week Awards.

Thus, without any further ado, I congratulate Applied Language Solutions for winning this week's award!

For why?

Just ask a cat called Masha, who has been registered to work as a court interpreter.

Solicitors Journal reports that an investigation by the BBC into Applied Language Solutions (ALS), which has a contract with the MoJ to provide interpreting services to courts in England and Wales, identified a number of cases where interpreters were not asked for criminal record checks.

UMMM!!

I thought that in Nanny's Britain everyone had to have a CRB, even if they wished to just say hello to their neighbours?

As if that were not bad enough, step forward Masha.

The owner of Masha, the projects director of Talk Russian UK Neil McCafferty, said that he registered Masha with ALS:

“We signed her up for the rare cat language.

We were absolutely staggered to start receiving emails from the company suggesting we take Masha the cat for a language assessment.”

One might ask why it is that Nanny's MoJ works with ALS, the MoJ passed the buck:

“It is (Ken says: shouldn't there be a "the" here?) contractor’s responsibility to make sure that they meet this requirement.

We keep this and other contractual matters under scrutiny.”

Data released by the MoJ in May showed that from 30 January to 30 April 2012, ALS provided an interpreter in 81% of the cases where the courts requested one (the target being 98%). There were 2,232 complaints during the period, almost half caused by interpreters not attending court.

A spokeswoman for ALS said:

"If ALS finds interpreters without the appropriate information it will remove them from the register until this information is obtained.

If the BBC is aware of any interpreters working without the necessary information and is prepared to provide specifics, ALS will investigate and suspend or remove such interpreters, if appropriate."

Sorry Masha, it looks like you are out of a job there!

Applied Language Solutions, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Something For The Weekend

I am hugely gemused to see that ours is not the only country prone to Nannyism of the most absurd.

Nanny's chums in France have excelled themselves in a recent edict concerning the use by the media of the words "Twitter" and "Facebook".

French Nanny has banned these two words!

Snort!

Seemingly, French Nanny's official explanation is that media organisations must not be seen to be favourable (or provide free advertising) to any one particular organisation.

The norm for a journalist or media organisation to say "follow me on Twatter" or "link up on Faecesbook" etc. However, French Nanny claims that there are other organisations, outwith Twatter and Faecesbook, that should be given their fair chance too.

All very plausible, maybe;)

However, the real reason is that the sites/words "Twatter" and "Faecesbook" are Anglo Saxon and, as such, an abomination to the culture and language of France.

My French is a tad rusty, therefore please feel free to suggest some alternative French words for "Twatter" and Faecesbook".

Have it large this weekend folks!

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Evening All

A grey, windy, wet Monday morning...why golly gosh tis time for another "Prats of The Week" Award!

This week it goes, somewhat belatedly, to those in charge of Warwickshire police.

Their crime?

A booklet has recently been issued to officers service in Warwickshire, advising them as to how they should communicate with the public.

It seems that phrases such as "'evenin' all", "good evening" and "good afternoon" have been banned.

For why?

Isn't obvious my loyal readers?

Words such as "evening" are, in the eyes of the word police, "subjective" and could cause confusion among different nationalities; as it may refer to different times!

Errmmm..that is such bollocks!

Whatever the nationality, the time of day is the same for everyone if they are located in the same timezone as the person issuing the greeting.

Unless of course Warwickshire police are in fact Timelords!



Warwickshire police (or rather the people who created the booklet), well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Nanny's Word Police Expunge Words Again! II

I stand corrected!

This just in from Citizens Advice:

"Thank you for your email.

Citizens Advice hasn't actually banned the word Blacklisting, nor do we have any intention of doing so.

We are currently speaking to the Mail about the article which originally appeared in their publication.

With regards,

Advice Policy Officer

Citizens Advice"

Oddly though, I read it in The Telegraph.

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Nanny's Word Police Expunge Words Again!

Once again Nanny's thought police have taken their cue from Orwell's "1984", and have decreed that certain words are "ungood".

The Citizens Advice service has ordered all its staff to stop using the word "blacklisting".

For why?

In the eyes of the dip shits who came up with the ban, "blacklisting" seemingly "fosters stereotypes".

Utter bollocks!

Those hapless employees of this taxpayer funded quango, who wish to use a word akin to "blacklisting" have been instructed to use the word "blocklisting".

All very well, but "blocklisting" actually has an entirely different meaning.

A blocklisting is a facility whereby one application is made to issue and allot shares at future points in time.

Maybe, if the twats who came up with this numpty idea actually had more than a rudimentary grasp of English they might have known that.

Nice to see our taxes being wasted on such frippery!

Not!

Will Citizens Advice also ban the word "whitewash"?

I find that highly offensive.

Why not go the whole hog and ban the word "black"?

The of course we must ban the word "white"?

Remember, as Orwell warned, the state will try to control what people say and think by controlling the words that we use.

Tell them what you think via this form Citizens Advice.

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Prats Of The Millennium - The EU

I am using my "special powers" (I have many!) to make a very special award of "Prats of The Millennium" to the leaders of our "respected", "democratic" and "non corrupt" EU.

For why?

They have deemed that using "Miss" and "Mrs" is no longer to be allowed, as part of their desire to create a "gender neutral" language.

An EU booklet sent by the Secretary General of the EU parliament to all our "hardworking" and "value for money" MEP's tells them to stop referring to a woman's marital status; Madame and Mademoiselle, Frau and Fraulein and Senora and Senorita are all banned.

Other banned words include; sportsmen, statesmen, man-made, firemen, air hostess, headmaster, headmistress, laymen, policeman etc.

Oh my head is about to explode!

We can assume that "human", "mankind", "man" and "woman" will soon be banned too!

Quite what the cost of this booklet (printed in all the languages of the 20 plus - how many these days?- members of the EU) is to the poor old taxpayers of Europe I dread to think.

Aside from the quite obvious stupidity of this idea...are women so weak and pathetic that they need legislation to protect them from words?...the fact that the EU, in the midst of the worst recession in decades, thinks that this is an effective use of time and resources gives a very clear indication as to the "quality" of the EU.

Orwell warned that dictatorships seek to control people by manipulating the language, so that the people can no longer think for themselves or express themselves.

The EU is fulfilling Orwell's vision.

The EU, well deserving Prats of The Millennium.

As a side note, I can assure you that within the next decade the EU dream will be a shattered burning husk, as the people of Europe wake up to the fact that they have been taken for a ride by a bunch of incompetent, greedy, freeloaders who are without any question or doubt corrupt and undemocratic.

The cities of Europe will erupt as people seek to reclaim their national identities, laws, customs and taxes.

It will be very unpleasant, were the EU run by decent people this civil venting of spleens entirely avoidable.

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Nanny Bans Crusaders

Remember the old rhyme:

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"?

Evidently that is no longer the case, as "The Middlesex Crusaders" a cricket team of 10 years standing have found to their cost.

They have been forced to change their name after protests from Jewish and Muslim communities, who said they felt it was a reference to the religious wars waged by Christians in Europe against other faiths.

I might be a little more sympathetic to the complaint, ie believe that it was not just trouble making, if it had been raised 10 years ago and if the same complaint is levelled against every other organisation, eg pubs, in Britain that uses the name Crusader.

In a further twist of irony the Middlesex Crusaders have played and won against the Kent Spitfires. Will there also be complaints from resident Nazis about the use of the word "Spitfire"?

One other small point, the word "crusader" can also mean "a disputant who advocates reform".

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Nanny Bans Words - Rhubarb

Shades of Nu Speak and 1984 have reared their ugly heads in the new Junior Dictionary published by the Oxford University Press.

The following words have been removed:

Carol, cracker, holly, ivy, mistletoe

Dwarf, elf, goblin

Abbey, aisle, altar, bishop, chapel, christen, disciple, minister, monastery, monk, nun, nunnery, parish, pew, psalm, pulpit, saint, sin, devil, vicar

Coronation, duchess, duke, emperor, empire, monarch, decade

adder, ass, beaver, boar, budgerigar, bullock, cheetah, colt, corgi, cygnet, doe, drake, ferret, gerbil, goldfish, guinea pig, hamster, heron, herring, kingfisher, lark, leopard, lobster, magpie, minnow, mussel, newt, otter, ox, oyster, panther, pelican, piglet, plaice, poodle, porcupine, porpoise, raven, spaniel, starling, stoat, stork, terrapin, thrush, weasel, wren.

Acorn, allotment, almond, apricot, ash, bacon, beech, beetroot, blackberry, blacksmith, bloom, bluebell, bramble, bran, bray, bridle, brook, buttercup, canary, canter, carnation, catkin, cauliflower, chestnut, clover, conker, county, cowslip, crocus, dandelion, diesel, fern, fungus, gooseberry, gorse, hazel, hazelnut, heather, holly, horse chestnut, ivy, lavender, leek, liquorice, manger, marzipan, melon, minnow, mint, nectar, nectarine, oats, pansy, parsnip, pasture, poppy, porridge, poultry, primrose, prune, radish, rhubarb, sheaf, spinach, sycamore, tulip, turnip, vine, violet, walnut, willow

Why?

Errmmm...don't people from multi ethnic backgrounds use words like "rhubarb" then?

Absolutely potty!

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Nanny Bans Latin

Nanny's thought police in certain local councils have donned their jackboots again, and are trying to ban certain "elitist" words from being used.

Nanny has taken exception to the use of Latin words, in her view they are elitist and discriminatory (ie her lousy educashun system has failed to provide people with enough wit and brains to look the words up, or know what they mean). As such Nanny has banned her employees from using them, and wants them to use much longer phrases (in English) instead.

Isn't funny how dead headed bureaucrats feel the need to use more words than really necessary when speaking?

Maybe they don't want us to understand what they are talking about?

Isn't that elitist as well?

Nanny's chums in Bournemouth Council, which has the Latin motto Pulchritudo et Salubritas - beauty and health -, has listed 19 terms it no longer considers acceptable for use eg:

- ad hoc
- bona fide
- status quo
- vice versa
- via

Clearly Nanny regards us being highly ignorant if she believes that we cannot grasp what the above words actually mean (especially when used in context), or could it be that her educashun system is now in fact turning out ignoramuses?

The alternatives proposed by Nanny are of course much more complex and cumbersome:

- 'for this special purpose' in place of ad hoc
- 'existing condition' or 'state of things' instead of status quo

As Mary Beard, a Cambridge professor of classics, said:

"This is absolutely bonkers and the linguistic equivalent of ethnic cleansing.

English is and always has been a language full of foreign words. It has never been an ethnically pure language."

Salisbury council has asked staff to avoid the phrases ad hoc, ergo and QED (quod erat demonstrandum), and Fife has banned ad hoc as well as ex officio.

We have become a nation of illiterates!

When you don't know the meaning of a word, use a dictionary to look it up!

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Nanny Bans Old Masters

Oh dear, Nanny's thought police have donned their jackboots again.

It seems that publishers and universities are banning tons (or is it tonnes?) of innocuous words in case they cause offence.

The banned list, drawn up by the British Sociological Association(no I have never heard of them either!), includes "Old Masters" (used to describe painters of quality).

Nanny deems that the term discriminates against women, and should be replaced by "classic artists". Small point, the old masters were in fact men.

Maybe we could have "old mistresses"?

Other banned words include:

- immigrants
- developing nations
- black
- patient
- elderly
- special needs.

Prof Frank Furedi, a sociologist at the University of Kent, thinks that it is bollocks and notes:

"I was genuinely taken aback when I discovered that the term 'Chinese Whisper' was offensive because of its apparently racist connotations.

I was moved to despair when I found out that one of my favourite words, 'civilised', ought not be used by a culturally sensitive author because of its alleged racist implications."

He notes, and I agree with him, that censorship is about the "policing of moral behaviour" by an army of campaign groups, teachers and media organisations who are on a "crusade" to ban certain words and promote their own politically correct alternatives.

Why are organisations such as the BSA allowed to interfere with our lives, what gives them the right to believe that they have moral authority over the rest of us?

Here's a word they haven't yet banned:

TWATS!

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Nanny Bans Man

Congratulations to the knobheads in Chichester District Council for once again proving that councils are infested with people who are totally out of touch from reality, and cannot be trusted to sit the right way on a lavatory let alone spend their citizens' council tax.

It seems that the most pressing issue facing Chichester is not the economy, crime, the environment or indeed balancing the books but the phrase "man in the street".

For why?

The good people who sit upon their fat arses in the council have decreed that the term is "inherently sexist, not a fair reflection of reality, and makes the views or work of women invisible".

They have therefore banned it.

Do they seriously think that this absurd waste of time, and money, is a major step forward for womankind?

Members and staff of Chichester District Council have been told to use "a positive alternative" such as "the general public".

They have also been told to stop using phrases such as "manning the switchboard", and the words Mrs, Miss, girl and lady.

So what do you call a person of the female gender who is a lady or a girl then?

I was taught to use the term "lady" out of respect and politeness.

To enforce the new Orwellian style orthodoxy, Chichester District Council have used taxpayers' money to publish a language guide which has been sent to parish councils in the area.

Twats!

The list of banned phrases also includes:

-'old woman'
-'old fool'
-'old codger'

I suggest that you drop the council an email that includes as many of the banned words as possible.

Vent your spleens via this link helpline@chichester.gov.uk

Local councils really are the most appalling manifestation of Nanny, and need to be eradicated asap.

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Educashun The F Word

Shades of Ramsay speak have entered the curriculum.

A student who wrote "fuck off" in an English language exam, in answer to the question "describe the room you are sitting in", was awarded 7.5% for accurate spelling and effective communication.

If it had had an exclamation mark he would have got a little bit more, because it would have been showing a little bit of skill.

F*** Me!

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The Dangers of Brainstorming

Well done to Tunbridge Wells Borough Council for proving that their existence is futile. They have decreed that the term "brainstorming" is illegal, and replaced it with the catchy phrase "thought showers".

Officials Tunbridge Wells Borough Council fear that "brainstorm" might offend epileptics or the mentally ill.

What complete bollocks!

It is clear the the word used in context is nothing to do with derogatory remarks against those who are ill.

Margaret Thomas, of the National Society for Epilepsy, said:

"Brainstorming is a clear and descriptive phrase.

Alternatives such as "thought shower" or "blue-sky thinking" are ambiguous to say the least.

Any implication that the word "brainstorming" is offensive to epileptics takes political correctness too far."

A council spokesman said:

"We take diversity awareness very seriously. The majority of staff have taken part in training and been asked to use the term 'thought showers'."

Farking morons!

What a waste of space and money Tunbridge Wells Borough Council is! Get rid of it.

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Nanny Bans Orals

Oh dear, Nanny seems to have got herself a little worked up over the practice of "orals".

Yes, I mean oral exams in a foreign language!

Nanny is worried that the orals are way too stressful for little "Timmy" and "Jocasta", and as such they might have to be abolished.

I well remember at the tender age of 15 waiting nervously outside the interview room for my French oral (no sniggering please!). I had run through all the possible permutations re Q&A's wrt ordering a meal in a restaurant, and what I did on holiday.

Needless to say the best laid plans of mice and Ken went awry that day, the examiner chose to discuss what I liked to do in my free time.

Curses!

Suffice to say I made a bold attempt to direct my limited conversational French towards my free time enjoyment of ordering food in restaurants and going on holiday.

I gained a "C" grade in French at O Level, as my Form master often remarked "Lads, don't have an orgasm if you get a 'C' in French O Level, it means you can't speak the language".

Wise words indeed!

Anyhoo, it has been reported that the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority might adopt a recommendation to rely on teacher assessments instead of orals in response to a review of language teaching by Lord Dearing.

The review said one-off oral tests were not a reliable guide to ability.

Lord Dearing's report warned that the stress of oral exams might deter young people from signing up to take languages.

Quote:

"It is interesting that when people spoke about the oral test, that however long ago it may have been, it is often remembered as a stressful experience.

We therefore proposed that these parts of the examination should be over a period through moderated teacher assessment."

Yes, of course it's stressful, all interviews are stressful.

That is the reality of life!

We do not serve children well if we constantly seek to shield them from the harsh and unpleasant realities of life, and wrap them in cotton wool.

However, it seems that Nanny has not yet decided as to whether the orals will be banned; coming to a decision, it seems, is too stressful for her.

Of Mice and Men

Jim Knight, Nanny's schools minister, is drawing up plans to require and enable parents to provide their children with high-speed internet access.

Knight is working with a.o. Microsoft, BT, Sky, Virgin and RM to help close the widening achievement gap between pupils from the richest and poorest families.

Seemingly over one million children have no access to a computer at home.

The drive for online access is part of Nanny's plans to have parents of every secondary school student given access to continuous online updates on their child's lessons, performance and behaviour as early as next year.

Knight wants IT firms to bring down the cost of equipment, so that internet connections are in effect made compulsory for nearly six million children.

Quote:

"We need to get to a point where in the same way when they start school the expectation is you've [the parent] got to find a school uniform, provide them with something to write with and probably these days a calculator, and in secondary school some sports gear - well, you add to that some IT.

Obviously you need to make that affordable, you need to make that universal otherwise you just advantage those who can afford it. To some extent that's the case at the moment, where 50% of homes have got IT broadband, but they are hugely powerful educational tools ... we know from the research evidence the difference that information technology can make."

That's all very well, but shouldn't Nanny and the parents be focussing on ensuring that the kids can read and write basic English first, before launching them into cyberspace?