British Army Fiddles Whilst Ukraine Burns

As the Army is undergoing huge #defencecuts, a war rages in Europe, at least it has not lost sight of its main effort > British Army discussing if masculine naming conventions should be gender-neutral, CGS says https://t.co/ob776hxkov

— Dominic Farrell (@DominicFarrell) June 14, 2023

Given the fact that the word "woman" contains to the word "man", to refer to someone as eg a "rifleman" actually desexes the word and is clearly not sexist.

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Jungle Camouflage Is Racist

The British Army has apologised after posting an image of a soldier with a “blacked up” face on social media.

The Telegraph reports that the image, published on the Army’s official Twitter account, showed a soldier wearing black face-paint as part of his camouflage in a jungle.

As a point of fact, the face paint is actually a combination of dark green/black (see the soldier's arms), not black.

The tweet, which was swiftly deleted, was described as “stupid” and “racist” by outraged social media users, while anti-racism campaigners said the force should feel "embarrassed".

An Army spokesman later said they could see how the tweet "may have been misinterpreted" and apologised.

The image was captioned with the words: “Being a soldier in the jungle requires a robust sense of humour”.

Shall soldiers only wear politically correct camouflage then, even if it increases the risk that they will be shot?

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Nanny Bans Swearing In The Army

I am gemused to see that Nanny has become very upset about the fact that there is a lot of swearing in the army, as such army instructors are being told to tone down their swearing, following a Newsbeat documentary.

Good luck with that then, what with how dangerous it is on the battlefield I would have thought that swearing was the last issue on the minds of those who serve Queen and country!

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Nanny's Child Snatchers

As loyal readers are only too well aware, Nanny is a hypocrite.

A fine example of such hypocrisy can be seen in a recent decision by Nanny's chums in Durham County Council to remove a yet to be born baby (when it is born) from its mother Toni McLeod, because they believe Mrs McLeod would pose a "risk of significant harm" to the child.

What kind of risk does Nanny think the child will be exposed to?

It seems that Mrs Mcleod has violent links to the English Defence League (EDL), and that Nanny does not wish the child to become "radicalised". Nanny has also told her husband Martyn that he would be unable to care for his child, because he is a full-time soldier just back from Afghanistan (are soldiers not capable of bringing up children then?).

Please now compare and contrast this to Nanny's approach to the children of extremist Islamic cleric Abu Qatada, who was allowed to remain with his ­children when he was briefly remanded on bail earlier this year as the Government tries to deport him.

Lib Dem MP John Hemming is unimpressed and is quoted by The Express:

“It raises a curious question as to why Abu Qatada is allowed to radicalise his children but the state won’t take the chance of allowing Toni McLeod to look after her baby in case she says something social workers won’t like.

I am very strongly opposed to the EDL, which I believe to be a racist organisation, but I do not think we should remove all of the children of the people who go on their demonstrations, however misguided they may be.

This case is one where the ‘thought police’ have decided to remove her baby at birth because of what she might say to the baby. I wonder what the baby’s father is thinking when he fights for a country which won’t allow him to have a child because of what the child’s mother might say.

Toni now accepts she was wrong to have gone on EDL demonstrations but freedom of speech means nothing if people are not allowed to say things that are thought to be wrong.”

Nanny is a hypocrite, and should be kept well away from children!

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Farking Disgraceful!

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me to this disgraceful story about how some servicemen, preparing to attend a fallen comrade's funeral, were treated when tying to buy a cup of coffee.

As per my chums from ARRSE:

"Browns Bar in Coventry refused to serve a group of Soldiers a cup of Coffee before they buried their fallen comrade Cpl Michael Thacker.

Local and regional news has been contacted to help raise awareness of the event. The soldiers were refused service because they were in Uniform whilst taking a break from rehearsing the funeral service. The soldiers were simply wanting a morning coffee.

Cpl Thacker's Wife said of the incident
'' ... I have to say when I found out this news i was horrified. Especially seeing as one of the men in uniform was his grieving brother! The lack of respect you have shown my husband, me and the lads yesterday will never be forgotten by the people in Coventry''.

The page on facebook has had almost 13,000 members in the past 4 hours. Please join even if you're not from Coventry. I spent 4 years in the city when at Uni there and this Bar has always been known for turning people away for feable reasons; but this is really low."

It is disgraceful how some people in this coutnry treat those who are in our armed forces (and those who have left the armed forces)!

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Prats of The Week - Princess Productions

Well now folks, here's a real treat; another "Prats of The Week" Award!

Hoozah!

This time it goes to Princess Productions (owned by Newscorp).


What have they done to deserve this award?

Just ask the good people of ARRSE (The Army Rumour Service).

I have reproduced the text in full of ARRSE's description of what happened (see below).

In my opinion Princess Productions are indeed well deserving "Prats of The Week"!

How it all began

Princess Productions are a TV production company, notable for their excellent contributions to absolutely nothing of value. Their world and the ARRSE world happily moved in their own circles for years, blissfully unaware of each others existence.
That is, of course, until late one Friday afternoon, 21st of October 2011. An employee of Princess Productions, Lucy Weston, decided that it would be a rather jolly idea to fly Soldiers' wives and newborn children out to a combat zone in order to surprise them.

I'll copy it here so you can be sure nothing is lost in the edit:

The original post

'Hi there!
I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. I am a television researcher for a TV production company called Princess Productions. I was wondering if anyone might be able to help with a pilot TV show I am currently working on.
The show is going to be a combination of Surprise Suprise and Flashmob (the current phenomenon made famous by the T-Mobile advert). So we are currently looking for incredible people who could be the recipients of the surprise of their lives, a massive super-sized celebration to say thank you, give someone a huge send off, ask somebody to marry them or reveal some exciting news.
We thought it would be a lovely idea to surprise soldiers currently serving in Afghanistan. Maybe they are yet to meet their newborn babies. We would like to give them a huge surprise by flying the baby and all the family over for a massive moral boosting exercise and chance for him to cradle the son or daughter he has never met. We also want to treat the soldiers to a huge flashmob style thank-you from all the British public for the on-going work they are doing.
We obviously understand the logistics involved in this might be complicated. At this stage I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you could kindly put me in touch with anyone who might be able to help further with my enquiries?
I would really appreciate anything anyone could do to help. I was just wondering if you might know of anyone who this might be applicable to, if you could help to spread the word to fellow supporters and family members or if you yourself have a special someone you would like to give the surprise of their lives. Anyone interested can email me on *************.
I hope to hear from you soon!

Arrsers Reactions

Of course, the members of ARRSE were overjoyed that the Media wished to honour them in this way. I mean, who wouldn't want their wife and newborn baby being brought out to meet them in a FOB in Afghanistan. Perhaps they might even be able to film the reunited family sweeping a dusty track for Taleban IEDs. It would make great TV.
Well, the reactions of some of the ARRSE members were a little surprising. In fact, I think Lucy had the surprise of her life.
It’s difficult to suppress the rage, but wiping the froth from my mouth, I have a mucker who’s currently serving. Perhaps you could throw his newborn out of the back of a plane over his CP? I bet he would be really surprised.- Quiet_Soldier
Firstly, not a good idea to “suprise” a soldier on tour. Secondly, if I was on tour and you flew my wife/GF with newborn in to an operational theatre of conflict, I would punch your fcuking lights out – Wellyhead
Look, this young innocent lady went out of her way to google British Army, to find the epicentre of all military and human knowledge available on this planet, to research a watery-eyed corporate money-maker off of our and our relatives backs, and to get up in the rankings of one of the ugliest companys known within the shores of Great Britain. – Aleegee 1698
I think it’s a fucking brilliant idea. Watch a coked up tv crew get pissed around from pillar to post by RAF Movers. After three days of sleeping on plastic chairs and eating horror bag meals, the presenter then has the shit kicked out of them – on camera – for having the worst possible idea of bringing family members into an operational theatre. You could call it “Surprised? I’ll give you surprised, you retarded fucking mouth-breathing civvy-media c**t”. - Sure fire hit. Oh, and could Piers Morgan present? – dropshortjock

The Gronk Board

Naturally, the "serious" thread spawned asatanic little brother in theNAAFI Bar, where the personal qualities of the Princess Production "team" were discussed at length, after reference to their Gronk Board. Julie Kaye won it by miles because me Julie is well fit.

The Backpedal and the Scapegoat

Eventually, Princess Productions realised that not all publicity is good publicity, and issued a super-injunction on ARRSE forcing the removal of the original thread, but then surprisingly posting acrap apologyfor the original message, blaming a very junior member of staff after which the original thread was re-instated, albeit edited and locked.

The Daily Mirror

No love lost between Mirror Group and the Murdoch Empire, when the whole sorry affair was reported inThe Mirror


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A Nation of Paedophiles - Nanny Sh*ts Herself

It seems that Nanny has been a tad "stung" by the mounting furore over her draconian plans to place 11 million on her "Won't Someone Think of The Children?" database.

BTW, a child (as defined by the law) is anyone under 18. In theory that means those in the armed forces who interact with troops who are under 18 need also to be checked...doesn't it?

Or is there an exemption there?

While I am thinking about it, what about priests?...or is that a wee bit contentious?

Anyhoo, Sir Roger Singleton, chairman of the Independent Safeguarding Authority (ISA - the taxpayer funded quango that will enforce this nonsense), is clearly hurting and said that people need to "calm down" and consider the issue "rationally".

Roughly translated, what this bureaucrat is saying is this:

"You are behaving in an irrational and emotional way, we (Nanny) know best".

Somewhat patronising don't you think?

However, what this also tells us is that Nanny is now sh*tting herself over this, and realises that she has lost this one.

Keep pushing hard and she will bolt for cover, like a wounded animal, and rescind this nonsense.

Can't you smell the blood?

I can!

Here is a link to the Independent Safeguarding Authority's feedback page, where you can track the wounded animal down to its lair, and put it out of our misery.

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Nanny's Great Lie II

A report by the top US general in Afghanistan is expected to say that the current military strategy is not working, the BBC understands.

General Stanley McChrystal will liken the US military to a bull charging at a matador [the Taliban] - slightly weakened with each "cut" it receives.

The Afghan people are undergoing a crisis of confidence because the war against the Taliban has not made their lives better.

Is this not what I have been saying?

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Nanny's Great Lie

Richard Holbrooke's "wee bust up" with Karzai yesterday, over election rigging in the Afghanistan elections, blows a very large hole in Nanny's oft stated claim that our troops are dying there in order to establish democracy.

There are a few points I want to make about this:

1 You cannot impose democracy with the barrel of a gun.

2 Afghanistan is a medieval country, still operating under a tribal system. We have not a cat's chance in hell of establishing a democracy there under present conditions.

What did Holbrooke and Nanny seriously expect would happen during these elections?

3 We have had our backsides kicked in the country in the 1800's, and Russia had the same in the 1970's/80's. History has been ignored by the US and UK, and now it is repeating itself.

4 Nanny has imposed "mission creep" (eg cleansing the place of opium fields - legalise drugs and that problem would be eradicated overnight), yet not supplied the right equipment or sufficient personnel to perform even the basic task of hunting down and destroying terrorists.

5 We are going to be stuck in that mess for 40 years, unless we bite the bullet and do what we should do and pull out.

6 The public bust up will of course ensure that whatever the results of the election (even if they are 100% "clean") no one will believe them.

7 Nanny has lied to us from the very start.

8 Brown is most certainly not a war time leader, lacking any form of clear robust decisiveness, or indeed a friend of our armed forces.

9 The MOD's procurement process is a disaster area that should be condemned.

Holbrooke, by making his angst public, has undermined the achievements (Nanny keeps telling us that the troops are there for democracy) of the troops (from all nations) on the ground.

Our troops are dying for an hopeless cause, as a result of the lies and grandiose nation building plans imposed on them by Nanny.

This is the wrong war in the wrong country, we should not be there.

PERIOD!

Send in your uniform.

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Send In Your Uniform

As we know, Nanny is dead keen to start wars in foreign countries on the pretext of introducing "democracy".

A "noble" thought I suppose, if it weren't for a few inconvenient issues eg:

- people get maimed and killed

- you cannot impose democracy with the barrel of a gun

- not every country in the world wants our version of "democracy"

- the financial cost of these wars is crippling

- these wars are suffering from mission creep, as a result of lousy/dishonest political "leadership" from Brown and his toadies

- wrt Afghanistan, if we really are to stand a chance of "democratising" this country (and by the way, I don't think we have a cat's chance in hell - we got our arses kicked in Victorian times there, and the Russians suffered a similar fate at the hands of the US funded Taliban in the 1980's), then we are going to be there for 40 years or more

- once maimed our soldiers don't even get decent treatment, viz Nanny's recent attempt to reduce compensation payments

- the loyalty of our troops is being severely tested, as an unthinking uncaring and thoroughly despicable government sends them on missions without adequate support/kit/equipment etc

In view of the above I heartily endorse the "Send In Your Uniform To Brown" Campaign as per ARRSE:

"This is a protest, driven by the constant betrayals of this government, including ignoring the pleas of Service chiefs for life-saving resources, sending personnel to battle with inadequate or unsafe equipment and vehicles, and this latest kick in the teeth for injured veterans."

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Forces Fags

A wee story for you from the USA.

The Pentagon reassured troops on Wednesday that it won't ban tobacco products in war zones.

Meanwhile UK Nanny, and the members of the butchers' profession (doctors), continue to try to push for a ban on our troops smoking.

For why?

Nanny is under the impression that smoking presents a clear and present danger to health of our troops.

Errmmmm...maybe she could pop over to Afghanistan and explain her risk assessment re smoking in person?

Post Script

As "Disgusted Tunbridge Wells" has just commented, Nanny will soon be requiring all armed forces personnel to wear high vis vests!

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Nanny's Child Snatchers

I see that Nanny has resorted to using the full apparatus of the state to enforce her child centric policies, if this report (see below) in the Telegraph of the other day is accurate. I have reproduced it in full as, quite frankly, I initially assumed that they were writing about a third world dictatorship rather than the UK.

- Since when did the state start "sectioning" people for being "overprotective" of their children?

- Why are social workers allowed to behave in the same manner as the Gestapo?

- Why was Mr Jones' wife arrested, and the children snatched by the state?

- Why was the chief magistrate allowed to act as magistrate, given that he was chairman of the trustees of the mental hospital in which Mr Jones was being detained?

- Why is ZaNuLabour still in office?

It is the most sickening story of state abuse of power that I have read for quite sometime, and wonder how long it will be before Nanny uses the powers of the state to start "sectioning" other people for alleged "delusions" (eg that the state is corrupt)?

The Telegraph:

"One of the most disturbing features of life in modern Britain has been the extraordinary powers given to social workers to seize children from their parents, too often – when those powers are abused – supported by the police and family courts. What makes this still more alarming is the legal bar on reporting these episodes, supposedly to protect the children, which again too often works to protect the social workers themselves at the expense of the children.

Details of yet another shocking case, which comes to its climax in a county court in eastern England this week, have recently been placed in the House of Lords Library. This follows a comprehensive investigation carried out on behalf of the family by Lord Monckton of Brenchley, who, as a hereditary peer, does not sit in the Lords, but has passed his dossier both to an active life peer and to this column.

Until six weeks ago, Mr and Mrs Jones, as I must call them under reporting restrictions, lived happily with their three young children, two sons and a daughter, aged under 13. Mr Jones, a business consultant, is related to various European royal families and his brother is a senior Army officer seconded to the UN. If he has one weakness, as he admits, it is to refer to these connections, as he did to the heads of the schools attended by his two older children, saying that he was particularly concerned for their security. He asked that he could be allowed to drive into the school grounds when picking up his daughter, because he did not want to leave her waiting, potentially vulnerable, in the road outside.

The headmistress agreed to this, but, concerned about other children's safety, contacted the local police, who in turn passed on their concerns to social services. The result of this was that, on May 18, when Mr and Mr Jones, accompanied by their younger son, arrived at school to pick up their daughter, they were met by a group of strangers, one as it turned out a female social worker. She asked, without explaining why or who she was, whether he was Mr Jones. When she three times refused to show him any ID, he was seized from behind by two policemen, handcuffed and put under arrest.

He was driven by a policeman to a nearby mental hospital where he was told that, because of "a number of concerns", he was being detained under Section 136 of the Mental Health Act and "sectioned" under S.2 as of "unsound mind". His wife, it turned out, had been similarly arrested, for loudly protesting at the handcuffing of her husband and the forcible seizing from her arms of her young son. The three children had been taken into care by social services.

Mrs Jones was allowed to return to an empty home that evening. Mr Jones was permitted to attend court two days later, to hear the magistrates grant an interim order for the children to remain in the care of social services. Because he was "sectioned", he was not allowed to speak. The chief magistrate, it later emerged, was chairman of the trustees of the mental hospital in which he was being detained.

On May 28, Mr Jones appeared before a mental health tribunal which, after hearing all the facts relating to his case, gave him a complete discharge. He returned home to his wife and immediately contacted his MP, a local MEP, lawyers and others he thought might be able to help, one of whom set in train the investigation by Lord Monckton that led to this story appearing here.

Despite the finding of the tribunal, the social workers have remained determined to hold on to the children, with a view to their care being determined in a county court on Wednesday. The voluminous dossier setting out this extraordinary sequence of events not only includes lengthy statements from Mr and Mrs Jones but copies of detailed statements by the social worker and policewoman most closely involved in the case (along with a good deal more circumstantial evidence).

The only reason offered in these documents for the abduction of the children is Mr Jones's "delusional belief system" that special care should be taken of his children because of their elevated family connections. The only harm done to the children is their very evident unhappiness at being separated from their parents.

It must be hoped that the court this week recognises how grotesquely this tragic case has been blown out of all proportion, and rules that a loving family should immediately be reunited."

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Nanny Bans Plastic Cutlery

I must admit that I had thought that I had seen the end of this absurd piece of Nannyism from our "rule creating" supermarkets, wrt asking for id for teaspoons etc.

How wrong I was.

I am told by one of my correspondents (aged 25) that this time our old friends from Tesco (one of their stores in Liverpool City Centre) has asked for proof of age id (whereby the store operative signs off that the purchaser is over 18) for cutlery.

I suppose it can be argued that as cutlery contains knives, that could be construed as a potentially dangerous purchase.

However, here's the rub, the cutlery for which age id was required was not metal, wood or ivory but PLASTIC!!!



Why can't a child (a person under 18) buy plastic cutlery? They seem well able to buy drugs, booze, weapons and porn without much bovver.

You can join the Army before you are 18, yet Tesco won't let you buy plastic cutlery until you are 18.

Nanny doesn't need to enact any more legislation to take away our personal freedoms, her apparatchiks in supermarkets etc are doing all her work for her!

BTW, I can't be bothered to register to look through the Tesco site but am advised that for some reason or other the plastic cutlery cannot be found on the Tesco site. Can anyone validate this?

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Jacqui's Secret Army

Oh dear, I see our Home Economics Minister (sorry, Home Secretary) Jacqui Smith has decided to create her own secret army.

Not content with the normal police, and the "plastic" police (Police Community Support Officers), Jacqui has decided to add another layer of policing "Jacqui's Irregulars".

These are a wee army of private security guards and town hall employees (eg park wardens and car park attendants) who have "police type powers". Our "respected and efficient" Home Orifice imbues these people with their "special powers" (eg to be able to fine people for truancy and littering, and to be able to demand someone's name and address) once they have undergone "training".

Jacqui's scheme is known as the Community Safety Accreditation Scheme, members of Jacqui's Irregulars get to wear a special badge and a uniform (and we all know what happens to some jumped up jobsworths once they start to wear uniforms, don't we?).

Seemingly there are now 1,406 people who are members of Jacqui's Irregulars.

Has anyone ever come across a "Jacqui Irregular", I must admit it was news to me that a third layer of police had been created.

Errm...isn't this rather alarming?

Has this been discussed in Parliament?

Did anyone get to vote on it?

Is this merely a private army to protect Jacqui when she goes to buy a kebab?

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The Xmas Lights

Nanny's reign over us is achieved by a variety of means:

1 She passes laws and rules that inhibit our freedoms.

2 She employs a vast army of "helpers" to enforce her rules and to spy on us.

3 She allows others to "interpret" her rules, and to apply them in a fashion that is over and above the letter of the law. As and when someone realises that in fact the "rule" being applied doesn't exist, Nanny shrugs her shoulders and blames one of her overenthusiastic little helpers.

Such a case happened to Dorothy Glenn from South Shields.

One of Nanny's little trolls, in the form of a Homes Worker from Mrs Glenn's housing association run by the council, who told her to remove her Christmas lights lest they offend her non-Christian neighbours.

Mrs Glenn decorates her home in South Shields with hundreds of festive lights every year, including a giant tree and a 4ft Santa Claus.

Now I can understand that noisy, bright decorations might annoy people (eg if they can't sleep, or if they attract thousands of people to gawp). However, given that trees and Santa Claus have zero religious connotations (many non Christian families put up a tree in their homes during Christmas) the use of the "religious offence" excuse is flimsy.

However, can you guess what folks?

The ruling turned out to be bollocks.

The housing association apologised to Mrs Glenn, and backtracked claiming that removing Christmas lights was not part of their policy.

I wonder, if they would have backtracked if this story had not been made public?

Independent councillor Ahmed Khan, who represents Mrs Glenn's ward, also thought the ban was bollocks:

"Every year this woman puts her Christmas lights up and I know how popular they are. It's great when people make an effort to decorate their houses.

It's this kind of nonsense that sets race relations back 20 years. That woman did nothing more than decorate her house to celebrate Christmas."

Local councils are run for the benefit of those whom they employ, and to propagate half arsed political dogmas, not the people who vote for them.

It is time that local councils were restructured to serve the people who vote for them, and who pay council taxes.

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Nanny Bans Rattle

As we approach Christmas, town centres across the country are the venue for all manner of charity collectors. One organisation that is very much a part of this scene is the Salvation Army.

This year they are having a weeny bit of a problem with Nanny. Nanny has decreed that whilst the Sally Army can perform, and still collect money, it cannot and must not rattle its collecting cans.

For why?

The rattling of the cans, according to Nanny, may offend other religions.

Nanny's councils and police even have the power to enforce the no-rattle rule.

Personally speaking I find it offensive that TV adverts have been ramming Christmas down our throats since September, one can have too much of a good thing, but I don't see Nanny rushing to stop that.

We live in very strange times indeed!

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Nanny Bans Old Masters

Oh dear, Nanny's thought police have donned their jackboots again.

It seems that publishers and universities are banning tons (or is it tonnes?) of innocuous words in case they cause offence.

The banned list, drawn up by the British Sociological Association(no I have never heard of them either!), includes "Old Masters" (used to describe painters of quality).

Nanny deems that the term discriminates against women, and should be replaced by "classic artists". Small point, the old masters were in fact men.

Maybe we could have "old mistresses"?

Other banned words include:

- immigrants
- developing nations
- black
- patient
- elderly
- special needs.

Prof Frank Furedi, a sociologist at the University of Kent, thinks that it is bollocks and notes:

"I was genuinely taken aback when I discovered that the term 'Chinese Whisper' was offensive because of its apparently racist connotations.

I was moved to despair when I found out that one of my favourite words, 'civilised', ought not be used by a culturally sensitive author because of its alleged racist implications."

He notes, and I agree with him, that censorship is about the "policing of moral behaviour" by an army of campaign groups, teachers and media organisations who are on a "crusade" to ban certain words and promote their own politically correct alternatives.

Why are organisations such as the BSA allowed to interfere with our lives, what gives them the right to believe that they have moral authority over the rest of us?

Here's a word they haven't yet banned:

TWATS!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

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The Organ Grinder's Monkey

In the good old days, long before I graced this planet with my presence, you could not walk down a street in Britain without bumping into a man grinding his organ whilst a monkey gayly (spelling? should it be gayley?) played atop it.

Ah yes, halcyon days!

Sadly, in Nanny's Britain, public organ grinding (the technical term for playing with one's organ) is somewhat frowned upon.

Paddy Cooke discovered this to his cost recently, when he attempted a bit of organ grinding in Ripley recently with his ape "Simon".

Ripley Town Council have banned Mr Cooke from public grinding until a risk assessment is carried out (pass the sick bag someone!).

For your information, Ripley also banned a Punch and Judy show because they worried about the dangers it presented to the public!

What are these people smoking?

Anyhoo, Mr Cooke's act is harmless enough (to those of us who live in the real world); he wears Victorian costume as he walks around playing his organ, a replica of an instrument used more than 150 years ago.

Interestingly Ripley Council claim that they are only acting "under orders", as the requirement for a risk assessment (applicable to clowns, brass bands and the Salvation Army) comes down from Amber Valley Borough Council.

So that's alright then!

By the way, I guess some of you may be thinking that maybe the monkey could escape and bite someone, or that the act may be cruel to the monkey.

At this stage I must point out one wee extra piece of information, "Simon" is in fact an animatronic monkey (it ain't alive!).

Mr Cooke (who has been grinding his organ for 15 years, and has two sons who also grind their organs) expresses it rather wryly:

"It's not as if I have a live monkey which might jump at people.

Mine is a battery-operated interactive toy and the best I have ever had.

He says things like 'I want a banana' and even once offered to tell me the sum of pi squared."

Simon is sometimes quiet and sometimes chatty. He's very realistic but is no danger to anyone.

I suppose someone might trip over a paving slab when listening to the music and blame me but I have been doing this for years without a problem."

Madness!

Ho hum, it looks as though I will have to continue to grind my organ in the privacy of my own home then!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Nanny's Secret Army

It should come as no surprise whatsoever to learn that Nanny likes to spy on us.

Knowledge is power, and Nanny gets high on power.

Such is her desire to poke her nose into the minutiae of our daily lives, that Nanny's chums in our "beloved" local councils have been recruiting a "secret army" of agents and informers to trap fly-tippers, tax cheats and other offenders.

Over 850 "covert human intelligence sources" (spies to you and I) have been recruited to spy on us over the past two years.

The informants, who can be paid, pass on information about associates and relatives.

Nice!

Nanny's official papers say that the covert human intelligence sources have a handler to watch over their safety.

That doesn't surprise me, were they to be found out they would receive a well deserved "talking to".

Seemingly their remit is vast and they can be used for; detecting crime, protecting public health and for "any tax, duty or levy".

One council's code of conduct says:

"Examples include the covert use of an officer to establish whether a particular person has been fly-tipping/or committing another relevant offence."

The definition of fly-tipping ranges from dumping large items such as a sofa or fridge on public land, to placing bin bags on the pavement on the wrong day.

Councils also have the power to access telephone or mobile records, although not the content of calls.

Sir Christopher Rose, the Chief Surveillance Commissioner, said 429 covert human intelligence sources were "recruited" by local authorities and Government departments in 2007.

In 2006, they recruited 437 agents and informers.

The way to stop this is to "out" the informants. Publicise their names, photos and addresses. That will kill this off stone dead.

Auntie Censors Dad's Army

I am indebted to Pietr for drawing my attention to this.

On Saturday night Auntie showed an old episode of Dad's Army on BBC2. It was the one where the Americans come over, and as a result of a number of misunderstandings a punch up between the home guard and the Americans occurs in a pub.

Peitr informs me that Auntie, for reasons that are beyond me, censored (ie removed) the punch up scene.



I duly did a Youtube search for said scene, and found what I thought to be the complete episode (broken into 3 parts) on Youtube (see below).

However, Youtube seem to have censored it as well and removed the fight scene.

What's going on?