I know that many of you cynics, living out there in Nanny's Britain, believe that local councils are a waste of space.
Councils, in your cynical view, are staffed by inefficient jobsworths whose only goal is to stifle individual creativity and freedom by imposing layer upon layer of bureaucratic rules upon us.
Folks, that simply isn't true!
Nanny is ensuring that our beloved and respected local councils will serve us even better in the future, by spending around £30M on special training for council operatives.
What will these operatives do Ken, I hear you ask?
Will they be trained to provide us with better services?
Will they be trained in customer care?
Will better quality people be hired?
Nanny will in fact use this money to train a whole new branch of her anti smoking Gestapo.
Smoking, aside from fat people and...errr..thin people, is one of Nanny's pet hates.
Therefore she is training a specially selected group of local council Gestapo, to spy on those of us who indulge in a quiet fag (cigarette for my American readers) in forbidden areas.
Thousands of "respected" council staff are being trained, as I write, to police the smoking ban in bars, restaurants and shops in England.
Nanny is paying £30M to train her Gestapo to give on-the-spot £50 fines to individuals, and take court action against premises.
Nanny's Gestapo will have the power to enter premises undercover, allowing them to sit among drinkers, and will even be able to photograph and film people.
Nanny's Gestapo will become fully active on 1 July. They will patrol virtually all enclosed public places including offices, factories, pubs and bars.
Business owners will be liable for £200 fines if proper signs are not displayed and, potentially, fines of £2,500 if they refuse to enforce the ban.
Our beloved and respected local authorities have been given the power to enforce the ban, so it does not consume police time. As we know, the police have their hands full arresting people for building snow penises.
Nanny's Gestapo will initially consist of an army of 1200 jobsworth busybodies, with nothing better to do than to stick their noses into other people's business.
Ian Gray, policy officer for the Chartered Institute of Environmental Health and chief trainer for the government course, said:
"..there will be some occasions where action has to be taken
and I am sure the compliance officers will not shy away from that."
The battle lines between the state and the people are being drawn, time to man the barricades!
Gray added, chillingly (drop him an email firstname.lastname@example.org):
"These officers do not have to identify themselves
when they go into premises and
they can even film and photograph people
to gather evidence although this may not be appropriate in many cases.
There will be two ways of doing this,
either staff can go in and identify themselves to the landlord,
but they don't have to."
Those of you who don't believe that we are living in a police state should wake up bloody fast. Once these Gestapo are on the streets, they will be used for more than just anti smoking spying.
"In Germany they came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
The they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up."
Let us try to create the ideal job description for a member of Nanny's new Gestapo. I will start the ball rolling:
Please add to the list.