Nanny Bans Catapult

Oh dear oh dear, I know that Nanny deplores violence and hates the idea that people should carry weapons (eg knives, swords, guns etc).

However, please tell me why Nanny got herself into a tiz over John Payne buying a £1.50 plastic catapult, which he wanted to use to fire bait into rivers when he went fishing?

I would point out that Mr Payne is 73 years old, walks with a limp and has arthritis.

So far so good?

Errmmm...not in Nanny's world.

Mr Payne was asked by the Original Factory Shop, in Melksham Wiltshire, to prove that he was over 18!

A spokesman for the Original Factory Shop said:

"I am sure the assistant was having a bit of fun with the customer and did not seriously expect him to show identification."

Mr Payne didn't get that impression!

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The Dangers of Crabs - Ooh Er Missus!

I am not entirely sure as to whether this is an example of Nannyism, or just well intentioned kind hearted people giving Nanny an opportunity to make mischief.

I refer to the plan by some zoology students from Cambridge to try to impose a code of conduct on the summer sport of crabbing, in an attempt to end cruelty to the creatures.

They plan to leaflet ten thousand holidaymakers at the Norfolk resort of Wells-next-the-Sea (did you know it is the crabbing capital of Britain?), advising them on how to crab responsibly. Their principal rule is that no more than ten crabs should be placed in a single bucket.

Seemingly excess crowds of crabs can cause fights, which can lead to the loss of limbs.

Crabs in Wells have traditionally enjoyed a relationship with the children who come to bait, capture and imprison them for a few hours in a plastic bucket. The fishing lines of the children are baited with bacon or whelk.

Local fishermen estimate that the average Wells crab is caught and released several times a day.

I see that the students have a kind heart, and it will be good for the kids to learn a bit about marine life in this way; but I can't help feeling that Nanny will somehow or other try to get involved now.


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A Fishy Tale

Something fishy is going on in the ENGLISH Channel (I am a firm believer in annoying the Europhiles by emphasising the "English" part of the name), and it's all down to Nanny's love affair with the cod.

Nanny and her acolytes (celeb chefs and green campaigners) have been telling us for a very long time that the cod was in danger; as such, strict quotas have been introduced to prevent over fishing.

Fair enough.

The trouble is, when Nanny introduces a rule she doesn't apply it with any form of common sense.

As such, hundreds of kilos of dead cod (caught by fishermen seeking other fish) have to be thrown back into the ENGLISH Channel in order to keep within Nanny's rules.

The fish are caught by accident by fishermen seeking Dover sole and other fish etc etc, the cod die after catching their gills in the nets and are then thrown back into the water.

ENGLISH Channel fishermen are also well pissed off that their cod quota is less than one tenth of the French quota, which is more than 70% of the total. French fishermen can land 3,377 tons of cod a year while British fishermen are limited to 366 tons.

There you have it folks, Nanny sticks up for cod and the French but not for her own people.

Nanny Protects Her Pussy

It is reassuring to note that Nanny, in her ongoing crusade to make Britain a "better" pace to live in, has not forgotten her furry friends.

No, I don't mean Prescott and Brown!

Nanny's chum Margaret Beckett, the Environment Secretary, is to produce detailed codes of conduct telling pet owners how to feed their animals and where they should go to the toilet, along with ways of providing "mental stimulation". Owners of "sociable" pets should provide them with playmates, the codes will say.

No, I am not drunk.

There really is to be a code of conduct for the treatment of pets!

Every domesticated animal will have a code of conduct tailored to their species (for goodness sake!), each of which is expected to run into dozens of pages - no surprise there then!

This will form part of Nanny's Animal Welfare Bill, expected to clear Parliament in the next few months.

Nanny's Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs will tell the owners of Britain's ten million cats, eight million dogs and one million rabbits of their new obligations in a series of pamphlets distributed to vets, pet shops, kennels and over the internet.

The first code of conduct has been produced for cats, it is 18 pages long and contains such gems as:

• Dogs should be introduced to cats very carefully



• The dog should be on a lead at first so that it cannot chase the cat



• Keep cats indoors at night to protect them and the local wildlife



• Neuter cats at four months old. Females can produce up to 18 kittens a year, the code says, and motherhood takes a lot out of a cat. Cats advertise their availability by screeching, fighting and wandering off



• Provide areas where cats can hide, such as an enclosed bed or box, or a high ledge where they can escape from children and other pets



• Ensure that cats have enough mental stimulation so that they do not become bored or frustrated



• Use lightweight rolling balls, or toys that stimulate catching behaviour, such as fishing rods



• Make sure that cats do not become overweight, and know their ideal weight at every stage of their life



• Ensure that cats' preference for privacy is met by giving them a hidden away place with cat litter to relieve themselves. This advice forms part of a nine-point guide for going to the toilet

Although any breach of these codes is not an offence in itself, failure to observe elements of the code will count against defendants in court.

There are five freedoms laid down in the Animal Welfare Bill: appropriate diet, suitable living conditions, companionship or solitude as appropriate, monitoring for abnormal behaviour and protection from pain, suffering, injury and disease.

Nanny will create a body of enforcers known as the "pet police"; needless to say they will be our old "friends" council employees, with powers to enter property and seize animals.

Up until now prosecutors have had to prove that a domestic animal was being mistreated.

I, for one, believe that pets should be properly treated; however, the fact that Nanny is devoting so much time and resources into this leads me to conclude that it is in fact just another means for her to regulate and pacify us. The shift in emphasis of proof is one of her favourite tools, eg tax matters, and should be rested at all costs.

Janet Nunn, chief executive of the Pet Care Trust, said that owners should keep all vets' bills and other documentation to prove that they were looking after the animal properly.

It is a snoops' charter, and will be used by neighbours in their own petty vendettas.

By the way, the Bill currently applies to all vertebrates, but a code of conduct for invertebrates, such as lobsters, may follow.

They may one day have a bill for humans too!

Nanny Loves Maggots

Nanny is a strange old lady; although she can come across as being cold and uptight, there are occasions when she can show real feeling and compassion.

Her chums in Hastings Borough Council certainly seem to have a soft and compassionate side to their nature, at least when it comes to maggots.

Rob Reeves, a heart patient, had planned to sit in a bath of maggots to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. Unfortunately, Nanny's chums in Hastings Borough were going to have none of that; they have banned the event, as they deem that it would be cruel to the creatures.

Nanny has said that the stunt would contravene the local authority's animal welfare charter, if a maggot was injured or caused unnecessary distress.

Over £400 had been pledged in sponsorship money, this now looks to be lost.

Ron Reeves said:

"They told me that if I injure, squash or upset a maggot I can be prosecuted.

There are not many people who would have the guts to sit in a bath of maggots.

You have to do something unusual to attract the sponsors, everybody does a sponsored walk."

Hastings Borough Council spokesman, Kevin Boorman, said:

"The council recognises that all animals are sentient creatures, capable of enjoying a state of well-being and equally capable of suffering.

The council will fully enforce the statutory powers."

Brett McLean, who helped Ron organise the event, said:

"We were originally told that we needed £10M of public liability insurance

in case a maggot escaped the bath and someone was to slip on it.

It was only when I phoned the council to check on the detail that we were told we couldn't use the maggots at all."

The irony is that the council are currently promoting a children's fishing scheme, where live bait is used.

Nanny is an unthinking hypocrite.

Nanny Gets A Dose Of The Crabs

There is nothing more pleasurable for dear old Nanny than to poke her interfering nose into a harmless pastime, that has been innocently enjoyed by "her charges" for centuries.

Nanny seems to get a real buzz out of this form of interference.

Anyhoo, this time she has decided to set her sights on a jetty on the River Deben; where children have been catching crabs since Norman times.

The local council, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that this activity is highly dangerous.

Guess what?

They have banned it!

This highly "dangerous" activity has been taking place on a 50 yard wooden pier, which has served as a passenger ferry terminal for Felixstowe Ferry and Bawdsey, for the last 1000 years.

During the 1000 years, children have used it for crabbing.

However, Nanny does not give a toss for history or indeed for the fact that there have been no serious injuries there.

Nanny, after all, does know best!

Indeed she has not only banned crabbing, but fishing and swimming as well.

What a miserable, selfish and joyless person Nanny is.

The Sly Old Fox

Those of you reading the British newspapers, and watching the news bulletins, over the last month or so may be forgiven for thinking that Nanny has become obsessed with fox hunting.

She certainly has kicked up quite a fuss over the issue; professing, as she does, to have the best interests of animals at heart.

Oddly enough I see no legislation coming forward to ban shooting or fishing. Doubtless that will come.

In fact Peter Bradley, the parliamentary private secretary to Alun Michael, admitted that Nanny’s friends in Labour don’t “give a stuff” over the fox hunting issue at all:

“We ought at last to own up to it: the struggle over the Bill was not just about animal welfare and personal freedom: it was class war…

This was not about the politics of envy but the polities of power. Ultimately it's about who governs Britain..”

Nanny meanwhile has stayed above the fray, in fact she has been almost invisible.

Maybe I am tad cynical, “surely not!” I hear you cry, but maybe Nanny has other fish to fry?

Does it not strike you as a little odd that a government so obsessed with media manipulation and spin has allowed, what in theory is a minority sport, to dominate the domestic agenda and media headlines?

The truth is that Nanny does not give a stuff about foxes, one way or the other. However, she has studied their wily ways, and is a sly old fox herself.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, whilst the media, the public and the “opposition” parties’ attentions have been diverted by the hunting issue; Nanny has quietly introduced, and passed, a most dangerous piece of legislation.

The Civil Contingencies Bill became law last Thursday, oddly enough the same day as the fox hunting ban went through with all that fuss.

The Civil Contingencies Bill allows Nanny, at the drop of a hat, to suspend the constitution and impose whatever restrictions on individual liberties and civil rights that she chooses.

Nanny can invoke her right to suspend liberties whenever there is an emergency.

Now, dear reader, what is an emergency?

Simple, anything Nanny says is an emergency is in fact an emergency.

This includes an event or situation, which threatens serious damage to:

• Human welfare in a place in the United Kingdom



• The environment of a place in the United Kingdom



• The security of the United Kingdom or of a place in the United Kingdom

Damage includes:

• Loss of human life



• Human illness or injury



• Homelessness



• Damage to property



• Disruption of a supply of money, food, water, energy or fuel



• Disruption of an electronic or other system of communication



• Disruption of facilities for transport



• Disruption of services relating to health

In short, Nanny can now do whatever she likes when she likes.

You should now be afraid, be very afraid!

You may well ask where the media and the “opposition” parties were, when this “rule by dictat” bill was being put through parliament.

Ermm, that’s simple, they were chasing Nanny’s fox.

In truth the media and the "oppositon" parties failed the people of the United Kingdom, I trust that they will hang their heads in shame!

Nanny, I have to hand it to you; you are a sly old fox!