Prat of The Week - Ken

My thanks to Steve for pointing out that yesterday's story about Swansea council mistranslating a road sign was not in fact terribly recent, but was in fact from 2008.

"Errr Ken......
You should probably award yourself a Prat of the Week award for running this story. If you look at the top of the BBC website page you have linked to, you will notice that this story was news in 2008 !! Indeed, I seem to remember that it ran on HIGNFY at the time and has been repeated on "Dave" a few times since.
Sorry Ken !! Love your site though :o)
Steve."

Despite the fact that the BBC showed it as most read on their site yesterday, and I therefore assumed it was current news, it has in fact been there since 2008. The BBC still show it as 1st most shared on the news front page "E-mail error ends up on road sign".

Mea culpa!

I therefore, as Steve has suggested, proudly award myself my own "Prat of the Week" Award.

Well deserved!

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Prats of The Week - Swansea Council

Well done Swansea council for wasting money on a spectacularly poorly translated road sign.

In English the sign reads

"No entry for heavy good vehicles. Residential site only"

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they received an email response in Welsh saying (as per the BBC):

"I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated". 

This of course was duly emblazoned upon the bilingual sign!

Swansea council, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Long Long Ago...

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Saucy Racism In Edinburgh

I see a Glaswegian is claiming a chip shop in Edinburgh (ironically one that I used to frequent during my student days) was racist because it wanted to charge him 25p for a sachet of tomato ketchup whereas a squirt of brown sauce (an Edinburgh staple) would be given for free.

As per the Edinburgh News Glasgow-born Tony Winters is taking his complaint to trading standards after the Gold Sea chippy tried to charge him 25p for a small sachet of Heinz 
tomato ketchup. He says he is being unfairly treated because he is Glaswegian and that that amounts to “racial discrimination”.

Feeling peckish, he went to the Gold Sea, Ferry Road, and ordered a sausage supper for himself, and a hamburger and fish supper, for his fiancé and a friend. But he left with a real chip on his shoulder after staff told him there was a charge for his ketchup while the Edinburgh favourite –salt and sauce – was free.

He said:

“I couldn’t believe it. Every chip shop I know gives ketchup free of charge. A condiment is a condiment. 

You can’t offer one customer brown sauce for nothing and then charge another for tomato sauce.

I said I thought it was racist that if you come from Edinburgh you can get brown sauce free but people from elsewhere, who like ketchup, have to pay. They just said it’s what they do.

We went to another chip shop and the guy was killing himself laughing when we told him. It reeks of racism. Just because we come from the west and tend to like ketchup instead of brown sauce. It’s clear they’re discriminating and I don’t think it’s right.”

How can you be racist against your own race?

Tis truly the silly season!

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Happy Bank Holiday

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How To Defecate Efficiently

I am gemused to see that Stanford University has revealed a new study that shows squatting is the proper and recommended way to go to the bathroom. This conclusion is not unique, Henry L. Bockus in Gastroenterology, the standard textbook on the subject, is quoted by Medical Diagnosis:

"The ideal posture for defecation is the squatting position, with the thighs flexed upon the abdomen. In this way the capacity of the abdominal cavity is greatly diminished and intra-abdominal pressure increased, thus encouraging expulsion ...".

Indeed, societies outwith the Western one which we inhabit (eg France, Asia Pacific) have squatted for centuries.

Why is squatting so much better?

The answer lies with the puborectalis muscle which acts as a sling for your rectum and maintains continence. When we sit down on the toilet, the hold on the rectum is loosened, but only partially. In a squatting posture, the hold is completely relaxed, allowing for an easier release of your bowel.

The modern toilet, rather than the modern diet, is to blame for all manner of ailments including; constipation, haemorrhoids, and appendicitis

Does this mean we should redesign our Western toilets?

Will Nanny send around the Bottom Inspectors?

No!

Simply place a stool (the sitting kind!) under your feet when you are next astride the toilet, and you will be able to squat in comfort upon the throne!

Simples!

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Islington Council In The Shit

It comes as no surprise to me, and doubtless no surprise to my loyal readers, to see another council swathing itself in shit (quite literally this time).

Step forward Islington council, which has been forced to disband its 22 man "dog squad" (the largest in the country).

What did the dog squad do?

In theory it was meant to fine people for allowing their dogs to befoul the pavements etc.

The cost of said squad, according to the Taxpayers' Alliance, was £240K in a three month period from May 2012. Unfortunately the number of fines issued by the squad during 2012/13 was 36 (10 less than the previous year sans squad).

The council claims that the scheme has been ‘money well spent’ and ‘an enormous success in changing people’s behaviour’.

They would say that, wouldn't they?

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The Danger of Burgers

I kid you not, Nicola Peate had to have her jaw put back into place by medics after it dislocated while she was attempting to get her teeth around a "triple-patty" burger at a Liverpool restaurant.

Have we forgotten how to use cutlery, and only insert into our mouth a portion of food that actually fits that particular orifice?


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Prats of The Week - Northumberland Council Bans Knitters

My hearty congratulations to Northumberland Council for winning this week's Prats of The Week Award.

For why has the council been thusly honoured?

Just ask the good ladies of the Knit 'n' Natter group, who used to meet at Cramlington library to knit replica anatomical parts (breasts and wombs) for training NHS midwives (eh? anyone care to enlighten myself and other loyal readers as to what a knitted anatomical part has to do with training midwives?).

Anyhoo, knitted anatomical parts aside, the council has banned the ladies from meeting in the new library because the knitting needles have been deemed to be dangerous and the members too noisy.

This is not the first time that Nanny has banned needles, in 2007 she did the same in Congleton War Memorial hospital.

Margaret Derrick, one of the group's founding members, is quoted by the BBC:

"We've been told different stories and different complaints and I don't now know what to believe.

We've been told knitting needles are dangerous instruments and against health and safety policy. 

We've also been told that it's because we are too noisy.

We started at the library because the council asked us. As we got bigger, the council was delighted.

Unfortunately, they've now got a new building and there is no room for us and it is 'bye bye'. 

Everything we knit goes out to help someone somewhere. It's just so sad, we can't afford to hire a room."

As with any ruling by Nanny, in order to demoralise and confuse those that she has ruled against Nanny changes her story (ie she lies).

Northumberland Council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Nanny Bans The Money Lenders

The BBC reported the other day that payday loan adverts have been banned from billboards and bus stops by Plymouth City Council, while Cheshire East Council has banned access to their websites from its computers.

Whilst it is true that payday loan companies offer small loans over short periods at remarkably high interest rates (APR's running into 1000's of percent), it should be remembered that the loans are available to people classified by mainstream "respected" banks as being high risk (eg low income, poor credit history with the likelihood of not being able to pay them back).

By denying such people access to a regulated, albeit high rate of interest, loan market Nanny is in effect pushing them into the hands of the loan sharks who are not regulated and who break legs in order to extract their debts.

People do not merrily skip and dance to these companies because they have nothing better to do, they borrow from them because they have literally run out of cash (by all means feel free to lecture them on the concept of "fiscal prudence" etc) and their only alternative is a loan shark.

Nanny is perfectly at liberty to ban payday loan companies, as and when she has in place a loan system that works for people whom the mainstream banks won't touch with a bargepole.

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Another Day Another Cash Cow - Ker Farking Ching!

I see that Nanny has found another easy way of raising money to fund her bloated bureaucracy. This time it involves a whole new set of on-the-spot fines for various newly created motoring offences.

Lane hoggers and tailgaters, I fully agree that both types of individual are a scourge on the roads, can now be can now be punished with on-the-spot police fines of £100 plus 3 points.

Whilst this is all very fine and dandy, if it reduces the number of genuine offences, the fact that the fines can be administered without the "hassle" of going to court means that there is an almighty temptation to issue these fines willy nilly.

The AA are of the view that around 33% of all drivers actually risk being fined; if this statistic is true it doesn't say much for the quality of driving in this country, and it offers Nanny a remarkably easy cash cow to target and slaughter at her leisure.

Among the offences police are expected to focus on, according to the BBC, are:

• Driving too close to the vehicle in front

• Failing to give way at a junction (not requiring evasive action by another driver)
• Overtaking and pushing into a queue of traffic
• Being in the wrong lane and pushing into a queue on a roundabout
• Lane discipline, such as needlessly hogging the middle or outside lanes
• Inappropriate speed
• Wheel-spins, handbrake turns and other careless manoeuvres

People can still challenge the fines in court, if they wish.

Let's see how this all works out then!

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Fag Lovers To Be Segregated

As loyal readers know, Nanny hates fags and those who use them.

Aside from taxing the product to death, and imposing bizarre restrictions on packaging etc Nanny some years ago (2006/07 was it not?) forbade people to smoke inside pubs, clubs, offices etc. This of course created Tony Blair's much wished for "outside cafe culture"; wherein people stand around outside pubs, clubs and offices come rain or shine puffing away on their fags.

Needless to say Nanny is now very annoyed about this.

For why?

It seems that there are some on the septic isle who believe that they will die of cancer if they so much as see a fag or inhale, albeit ever so briefly, a waft of smoke.

Barbara Harpham, national director of Heart Research UK and a strong advocate of the anti-smoking laws, was recently quoted by the BBC:

"Sometimes it's like stepping out into a mist.

The majority of people don't like smoking but when they go outside it's imposed on them.

If people want to smoke outdoors they should be able to, but you don't want kids going where there are people smoking." 

Won't someone think of the children???

Oh pass the sickbag someone!

Harman's solution?

Segregation!

Outdoor smoking and non-smoking areas.

Oh yes, that will work!


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To Be Or Not To Be Filtered?

I am gemused to see that Nanny's plans for filtering the internet of all "vile filth and debauchery" (as defined by her) have been proven to be absurd, as per a wee incident that occurred in the British Library the other day.

Mark Frosyth, an author, was researching Hamlet for a book that he is writing and needed to check a line from it using the library's wi-fi network.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, he was denied access to an online version of Shakespeare's Hamlet because the text contained "violent content".

The British Library said the fault was caused by a newly installed wi-fi service from a third-party provider.

A spokesperson for the British Library, as per the BBC, said Hamlet had since been made accessible.

"The upgraded service has a web filter to ensure that inappropriate content cannot be viewed on-site.

We've received feedback from a number of users about sites which were blocked, but shouldn't have been. We're in the process of tweaking the service to unblock these sites."

The British Library defended its position, saying that it wanted to protect children visiting the building from content "such as pornography and gambling websites".

That's all very well and dandy, but the point of the British Library is to have an accessible record of everything that is legal. In fact, ever since 2011, the British Library has been archiving all my sites for future generations of researchers etc.

On the subject of debauchery etc, that seems to vex Cameron and others, I wonder if he and his internet filtering chums have ever read the Bible?

I ask because it contains a veritable smorgasbord of debauchery, lust, rape, sex, sodomy, violence and the sin of Onan (the modern day equivalent practised by some users of the net casting their seed upon their keyboards).

Will Cameron and the British Library be filtering the Bible?

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Nanny Bans Stakes

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me in the direction of some Nanny nonsense going on in Worcester, involving some 8 inch wooden stakes and a health and safety ruling.

Power Park in Worcester is a Civil War themed park, created to commemorate a local battle.

In 2011 8 foot 8 inch thick wooden stakes were erected (there's that word again) on a fence as part of a revamp of the childrens' play area, to commemorate English pikemen.

Now fast forward 2 years and the local council have decreed that the stake erections pose a health and safety threat to children, in the council's view the children might snap the 8 inch stakes in twain.

Really!!??

An 8 inch thick wooden stake can be snapped in twain by a child?

Now whilst the park is run by St Peter’s Parish Council, the £50K funding for the revamp in 2011 came from....any guesses?

Yes, that's right, the council!

The same council that now deems the stakes to be a health and safety hazard.

A Worcester City Council spokesman is quoted by the Mail:

"The concern was that the poles were not wide enough in diameter to withstand children swinging on them.

The poles were in danger of snapping when children played on them.

The play area was installed and run by St Peter's Parish Council. The work to cut back the posts was also carried out by them.

Worcester City Council's only involvement was as the landowner, and in that role we advised the parish council that the poles were not wide enough for their purpose and therefore were a potential danger to children playing there."

The stakes have been hacked off and are now waist height, doubtless they now pose a trip hazard!

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Nanny's CCTV Code of Practice

I am particularly gemused to see that Nanny has introduced a code of practice on the use of surveillance cameras, by bodies such as local authorities and police forces, in England and Wales.

The Home Orifice introduced the code after concerns over the potential for the abuse or misuse of surveillance by the state in public places.

The code says the cameras must be used "in pursuit of a legitimate aim" and when it "meets a pressing need".

"Where used appropriately, these systems are valuable tools which contribute to public safety and security and in protecting both people and property. 

The purpose of the code will be to ensure that individuals and wider communities have confidence that surveillance cameras are deployed to protect and support them, rather than spy on them."

Hmmm, all very well but as I have noted before the only really effective CCTV is one that can fire a laser or equivalent weapon at the criminal whilst he/she is engaging in the illegal activity; rather than passively record a poor quality image that might be used a year or so later in a some tawdry court case.

Anyhoo the 12 point code of conduct says the use of a surveillance camera system must:

1. always be for a specified purpose which is in pursuit of a legitimate aim and necessary to meet an identified pressing need
2. take into account its effect on individuals and their privacy
3. have as much transparency as possible, including a published contact point for access to information and complaints
4. have clear responsibility and accountability for all surveillance activities including images and information collected, held and used
5. have clear rules, policies and procedures in place and these must be communicated to all who need to comply with them
6. have no more images and information stored than that which is strictly required
7. restrict access to retained images and information with clear rules on who can gain access
8. consider any approved operational, technical and competency standards relevant to a system and its purpose and work to meet and maintain those standards
9. be subject to appropriate security measures to safeguard against unauthorised access and use
10. have effective review and audit mechanisms to ensure legal requirements, policies and standards are complied with
11. be used in the most effective way to support public safety and law enforcement with the aim of processing images and information of evidential value, when used in pursuit of a legitimate aim
12. be accurate and kept up to date when any information is used to support a surveillance camera system which compares against a reference database for matching purposes

There are of course many more CCTV systems than those just used by the police and local authorities (ie there are systems not covered by the code), additionally in the event that the code is breached there appears to be no penalty system in place to reprimand those bodies that breach the code.

In other words, so what?

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Nanny Hates Marmite

How absolutely absurd, it seems that 250 people ahev complained to the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) about the above advert for Marmite.

For why?

They are of the view it trivialises the work of animal rescue charities!

The RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) said it understood that "animal lovers are concerned on our behalf", quote:

"We plan to talk to the makers of Marmite about how we can work together on animal welfare."

Am I so thick skinned and insensitive, but is this not an absurd overreaction?

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Nanny Unbans Cakes

On Tuesday I wrote that Nanny had banned a mother and daughter from selling homemade cakes at the daughter's school, because of health and safety concerns.

It seems that this story and other similar ones have prompted the Food Standards Authority (FSA) to engage its brain and apply some commonsense. My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me to the  FSA statement that volunteer cooks and charity groups, who occasionally prepare food for community events, are not covered by EU laws that have been invoked to ban people from preparing food on an occasional basis for others to consume.

This means that occasional cooks are no longer need to possess a food hygiene certificate before they are allowed to offer their wares for sale.

As per the Mail:

"There is no rule banning the sale of homemade cakes at school fêtes or other community events."

Nice to see the FSA using some commonsense!


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Child Prisoners

I see that a survey conducted by Playday 2013 found that over a quarter (28%) of 1,000 UK parents questioned feared being judged by neighbours if they let their children play unsupervised outdoors.

Almost a third (32%) believed allowing their children to play ball games or make noise outdoors would cause problems with other residents.

53% thought traffic was a barrier to children playing out where they lived, 40% cited "stranger danger" as a concern and 28% said intolerant neighbours were a problem.

All very sad, as imprisoning children in their homes instills a sense of fear in the children and is bad for their physical and mental health.

Hardly a good start in life!

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Nanny Bans Cakes

Oh dear not for the first time I see that Nanny has got her knickers in a twist over the baking and selling of cakes for charity.

This time Nanny's gimlet eye has focused on the activities of Georgie Hippolite, 12, who was hoping to sell some cakes to her classmates from Cowes Enterprise College on the Isle of Wight for charity as she had done before.

Unfortunately her mum, Kirsty, who was actually baking the cakes received a call from the school asking her if she had the correct qualifications (ie those held by catering professionals). Sadly Georgie’s tutor told her that “health and safety” regulations meant that her cakes were unfit for sale.

Mrs Hippolite is quoted by the Express:

“I couldn’t stop myself from laughing as he told me the school could be sued if a pupil fell ill after eating one of my cakes. 

It’s ridiculous. People have been baking cakes at home for sale at fetes and village fairs for years. My kitchen is spotless and nobody has ever fallen ill after eating my food.” 

The tutor told her that other pupils planned to take in slices, cupcakes and sponges bought at supermarkets.

I wonder which is the more dangerous, a home baked cake or one made in a factory full of chemicals?

Mrs Hippolite knows:

“My girls never eat that sort of food because it is often pumped full of artificial preservatives and e-numbers. I would rather make them something fresh and natural.” 

Prepare yourselves for the real laugh though.

Can you guess what happened to the cakes (the "dangerous" ones) that Mrs Hippolite had baked, but was not allowed to sell to the kids?

Yes, that's right, Georgie's tutor suggested that they be taken to the school for the staff to eat (the staff would then make a donation for each cake eaten)!

You couldn't make this up, could you?

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Prats of The Week - Shropshire Council

'Tis a Monday morning and it has been absolutely yonks since I have awarded anyone my prestigious and internationally renowned Prats of The Week Award.

Therefore without further ado let me award it this week to Shropshire council.

For why?

For the their decision to spend £362K on iPads over the last few years despite the fact that they are axing 1,700 jobs.

A Freedom of Information request shows 63 of 75 elected councillors in Shropshire have iPads and 49 were given them on top of other devices.

The council claim that the iPads improved their productivity, and have saved the taxpayers £20K on pens and paper!

Shropshire council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Something For The Weekend - Penisgate

I am hugely gemused at the kerfuffle going on in Auntie's bunker over Penisgate, the accidental showing of a graffiti penis on Prince William's head on BBC Breakfast (ie before the watershed) yesterday.

Nice to see Auntie and her viewer have their priorities right!

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Ker Farking Ching!

As loyal readers know, councils are using parking charges to supplement their income.

I am pleased to see that this fact has now been confirmed by the RAC Foundation, which has stated that parking charges are providing huge cash surpluses for some English councils.

As per the BBC, 359 councils across England had a total current account surplus of £565m from on and off-street parking schemes in 2011-12. Eight of the largest 10 surpluses came from London councils with Westminster in front with a £41.6m profit.

Oddly enough Westminster City Council disputed many of the figures, but said it would work with motorists to reduce fines.

LOL!

I am gemused to see that my own council of Brighton and Hove came in sixth with £14.4m.

The total profit represented a £54m increase on the surplus from 2010-11 and only 52 of the councils reported a deficit on their 2011-12 parking operations.

Transport minister Norman Baker said: 

"The law is quite clear. Councils should not be pricing their parking in order to make a profit.

Any monies raised from parking in excess of the cost of administration has to go back to transport purposes which can be dealing with pot holes, improved road management or can be investing in public transport to encourage people to free up the roads."

All very laudable, but as we all know transport fines and indeed tranport taxes are not ring fenced in reality.


Ker Farking Ching!

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