A Sign Is But A Sign!

Words of wisdom from the Simpsons!


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Prats of The Week - Swansea Council

Well done Swansea council for wasting money on a spectacularly poorly translated road sign.

In English the sign reads

"No entry for heavy good vehicles. Residential site only"

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they received an email response in Welsh saying (as per the BBC):

"I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated". 

This of course was duly emblazoned upon the bilingual sign!

Swansea council, well deserving Prats of The Week.

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Only The Lonely

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me to a fine example of Nanny becoming over zealous wrt road signage, and then deciding (thanks in part the the actions of a prankster) that her original signage was bollocks.

Nanny's chums from Norwich City Council originally added the word "only" to sign indicating that the road is for only buses between 7:30AM and 9:30AM.

Step forward a prankster who added an extra sign beneath it, saying "the lonely".

Needless to say this prompted Nanny to get the wheels in motion to remove the prankster's sign, but Nanny will also be removing her sign as well.

For why?

Seemingly it wasn't needed after all!

Norwich Evening News quotes a remarkably convoluted civil service speak explanation from the council:

“When potential enforcement action needs to be taken by local authorities they have to be sure of their ground as it’s becoming increasingly common for people to challenge it.

Our initial interpretation of regulations on this matter was that the sign needed the word ‘only’ to be legal. However, having carefully reconsidered the regulations, we’re now confident that the word ‘only’ does not need to be added to take enforcement action and so we shall remove the ‘only’ along with the addition which has been made.”

Isn't it funny how Nanny can change her opinions about her own rules and regulations?

No wonder there is such a void of understanding between normal people and the councils htat rule them!

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Alarming!

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Nanny Bans Signs

I am gemused to see that even Nanny has finally recognised that some of her road signs are complete and utter bollocks.

Patrick McLoughlin (Nanny's Transport Secretary) recently said that Nanny is working on new guidance for local councils and highways officials on reducing sign clutter.

He is quoted by the Telegraph:

“Too many country roads carry a reminder of how insensitive planners can be to the aesthetics of transport design with the ugly and unnecessary signage that clutters up the network. 

New signs are added without any apparent consideration of existing ones or what’s needed. And then there are those ‘temporary’ yellow signs saying ‘new road layout ahead’ that are left to rot for years.

Often what we’re left with is not just a blot on the landscape. It’s also something that’s confusing and dangerous.

The combined effect of these changes will be to give authorities and designers much greater freedom to declutter and simplify country junctions. 

And I want to make sure that they use it. So my message today to Highways engineers is: if in doubt, don’t do it. Save your money for something that matters.” 

His intentions may well be noble. Unfortunately, as we know, local councils tend to ignore "guidance" from Nanny (unless it adds to their revenue collecting powers).

Feel free to post your examples of useless road signs.

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Cone Heads

The good people of my leisure club may have heeded my article last year about the danger of their "wet floor" warning cone, for they have indeed moved it.

Sadly to another position in the club, where I yet again tripped over it!

Evidently either I must look more carefully where I am going, or the leisure club may care to take on board that as there is a swimming pool, showers, sauna and steam room I and other members may well be aware that there is a hdanger of water being on the floor.

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Question?

Why does my leisure club insist on putting up warning cones, that advise me that the floor is wet and slippery, in and around the showers and swimming pool area?

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The Bleedin' Obvious

Full marks to my local LA Fitness for putting up a warning cone the other day by the side of the swimming pool, telling people that the floor might be wet!

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The Trouble With Gin

What is a gentleman of my quality, such as myself, meant to do when confronted with the frim task of having to travel on Network Snail?

Well, in theory, the answer is simple; buy a large gin and tonic from one of Network Snail's purveyors of food and drink and consume it on the train.

Ah, if only life were that simple!

Last Friday evening, I had cause to leave Croyodonia and travel to Londinium.

On platform 1 of East Croydonia station I went to the SSP outlet to buy a gin and tonic.

SSP, on their website, describe themselves as follows:

"SSP is the leading dedicated operator of food and beverage brands in travel locations worldwide. We have a long heritage in food and travel, with over 60 years experience in the industry.

All our operations feature a mix of food and beverage brands tailored specifically for each location."

Pah!

It should come as no surprise to you to learn that their "expertise" does not extend to having sufficient stocks of gin and tonic to sate my needs.

Indeed, SSP's outlet in the hinterlands of Croydonia has been bereft of gin and tonic for the last 7 weeks. Despite the fact that I have complained and filled in numerous "customer care" forms, they still have failed to replenish stocks.

They are to be congratulated, for they have now been awarded my prestigious "Worse Than WorthlessAward".

However, I digress, allow me to get to the point.

I made do with buying a vodka and tonic.

SSP, being completely useless, did not even have a plastic cup for me to drink this from, but instead proffered me a waxed paper coffee cup!

Good grief!

As I consumed my vodka from this waxed receptacle, I read the following waring:

"Caution contents hot"

Why does Nanny think that people need a warning that a coffee cup would contain a hot liquid?

What possible added value does this warning convey?

What use was it to me with my vodka and tonic?

What a bunch of pussies we have become!

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Happy Halloween

Today folks it's another Halloween.

Now, when I was a young lad the emphasis was on Bonfire Night and precious little time and attention was paid to Halloween.

I recall that my mum hollowed out some Swedes (the vegetable I would hasten to add) and put a candle in them, but that as as far as it went. Now of course we have been taken over by the US inspired commercial spend fest, that requires adults and children to spend gazillions on costumes, sweets and assorted shite.

Anyhoo, be that as it may, it is a free country...allegedly..and people should be able to do what they like, and dress up in any manner that they see fit.

Unfortunately this is Nanny Britain. At the first sign that people will be doing things that are not guided or inspired by the state, Nanny reacts in her usual "calm" "restrained" manner.

It should come as no surprise to learn that police forces up and down the country are on red alert today, as they prepare for a night that they are truly scared of. Nanny's police are issuing posters that people can put up on their doors basically telling trick and treaters to F Off!



That's all very well, but does it not occur to Nanny that this kind of thing actually encourages the more odious behaviour that she claims that she wishes to stop?

In Lancashire, for example, four control rooms have been set up by the police to monitor CCTV footage on 31 October. The Lancashire police will issue on-the-spot fines of £80 to anyone under the age of 18 found in possession of a firework, or other potentially dangerous items (eg eggs).

The UK Evangelical Alliance can't resist putting its nose into the pumpkin patch either, and has issued a warning:

"While Halloween [appears] to bring people together in fun,

in reality it is a celebration of the dead and of evil".

Ooohhh!!!

Why is Nanny so hysterical over this?

I agree, that having trick and treaters knocking at the door is a pain in the derriere..but does it require a full scale national police alert?

Nanny hates individuality, she will not be content until everything that we do is under her full control; whereby we will need formal state authorisation before we can do it.

Happy Halloween!

Nanny Bans Flowers

In another fine example of the topsy turvy world we now live in, Nanny in the guise of one our "beloved" and "respected" local councils has decided to ban June Turnbull (79) from tending the village flowerbed in Urchfont, near Devizes, in Wiltshire.

Her crime?

She does not wear a yellow jacket, does not have a warning sign and does not employ a lookout.

Yes folks, Nanny has used her favourite excuse again...INSURANCE!

This tired old mantra is trotted out every time someone tries to do something that Nanny doesn't approve of.

How easy it is to for Nanny to latch on to this as a means of stopping people using their initiative, or just having bit of fun.

Mrs Turnbull has been tending the flowerbeds for eight years now, and paid for the flowers with her own money; needless to say there have never been any accidents.

However, Nanny now wants her to erect (can I say erect?) three large 'men at work' signs while she gardens for three hours each week.

Mrs Turnbull is defiant, she says that she will go to jail rather than stop tending the flowerbeds.

Wiltshire County Council says June must abide by the rules, because the flowerbed is on a highway and because of that they need a licence for her to work there.

-Why does she need a licence?

-Who says so?

-So what if she carries on?

-Will they really arrest her?

-Do councils really have this much power over us?

-Or is this amount of "power" merely in their own imaginations?

In order too qualify for a licence from the Highways Authority she must wear a fluorescent jacket, have three metal warning signs surrounding her and have a man on guard.

With a licence, Urchfont Parish Council can put June on their insurance policy.

So what if she is not insured?

Are they saying that if she is injured, then she won't be treated in hospital?

Why would the council be to blame if she is not a council employee, and working against the advice of the council?

Councils take far too much upon themselves these days; they need to be reminded of their place in the evolutionary scheme of things.

Drop Wiltshire County Council a note here customercare@wiltshire.gov.uk

Trouble At Gestapo HQ

My sympathy to the good people of our much respected Health and Safety Gestapo. It seems that they are having a few health and safety issues at their own HQ.

According to data recently released to The Times, under the Freedom of Information Act, there were over 500 accidents and injuries in a 3½ year period at Gestapo HQ. That, by the way, works out at on accident every two working days.

There were 154 slips, trips or falls. One fall, that resulted in a strained groin...ouch...was caused by a wet tea-room floor...don't they use those dinky little plastic cones that warn of wetness?

Another employee slipped on a plastic bag and pulled a hamstring. One hapless member of staff slipped on a raisin!!!???

Someone else bruised her eye, when a lavatory-roll dispenser fell from the wall.

Inspectors were also physically or verbally assaulted nine times.

The accident rate at Gestapo HQ shows a rate of 4,143 per 100,000 people over 2005-06, compared with 2,143 per 100,000 across all companies in the process, plant and machine operatives sector, widely considered one of the most dangerous sectors.

An HSE spokesman said:

"We endeavour to be an exemplar

and as such HSE's level of reporting

is very high.

When compared against averages for

companies with our type of risk the

incident rates and rates for reportable

injuries are low."

Other mishaps included:

-Tried to step over spill on floor but slipped in the process

-Walked into warning sign — laceration to skull and damage to spectacles

-Accidentally touched bulb while switching lamp off — small burn to thumb

-Jarred wrist and arm trying to open door, which was stiffer than usual

These are the people who impose rules on us, to "help" us avoid accidents!

Physician heal thyself.

Nanny's Ministry of Fat

As we approach the season of overindulgence and excess, Nanny is making sure that we will all suffer in the New Year for our over exuberance.

A team of Nanny's chums, a group of public health professionals, have put together a fat report published in the British Medical Journal that recommends, amongst other things, that clothes made in larger sizes should carry warning signs and a tag with an obesity helpline number.

What utter misguided prats!

The report was put together by a group of well intentioned but misguided "space cadets", masquerading as professionals and human beings, who clearly have not visited the planet earth for some years now. The eminent list of authors includes; Laurence Gruer, director of public health science at NHS Health Scotland, Sir George Alberti, Nanny's national director for emergency care, Glasgow University professors Naveed Sattar and Mike Lean (a somewhat ironic name, given the subject matter, don't you think?).

The report goes on to say that sweets and snacks should not be allowed near checkouts, new roads should not be built unless they include cycle lanes and fat food likely to make people fat should be taxed.

The message is simple, quote:

"pull yourself together, eat less and exercise more."

That is perfectly sensible advice. Unfortunately, the learned doctors et al haven't grasped the fundamental human condition that human beings don't like being treated like children.

They claim that fat people need help, advice and sympathy to overcome their addiction to food. I would suggest that not all fat people (what is fat by the way?) are addicted to food. Some people eat more than others because they actually do enjoy food, rather than because they are in some way "addicted" to it.

By the way folks, despite the incessant nagging of Nanny, we all need to eat in order to live!

Food is not evil!

The report identifies an action list of things that Nanny should do, these include:

• All clothes sold with a waist of more than 40in for men and 37in for boys, women's garments with a waist of more than 35in or size 16 or above, and more than 31in for girls will have an obesity helpline number printed on them.
  
  Farking hell!
  
  Why don't they just ban clothes over these sizes, and force "fat" people to fit into smaller sizes?



• Banning sweets and fatty snacks at or near shop tills and at children's eye level.



• Taxing processed foods that are high in sugar or saturated fat.



• Establishing a dedicated central agency responsible for all aspects of obesity. Which eminent minister would you put in charge of the Ministry of Fat then?

Their intentions may be good, but their suggestions have ensured that they will be ridiculed (as I have just done). That's the trouble with Nanny, she loves to tell us how to live our lives yet she is totally disconnected from the real world and is incapable of "communing" with it on a sensible level.

The Dangers of Pears

I have been writing articles for this site for a little over two years now, and as such I have seen some truly absurd edicts emanating from the darkest recesses of Nanny's troubled and tortured mind.

However, sometimes even Nanny out Nanny's herself as for example in this particular case.

Nanny's chums in Worcester City Council have got themselves in a right old state over pears.

Yes, pears!

It seems that in Nanny's view, pears falling from trees present a clear and present danger to the good citizens of Worcester.

Amazing isn't it?

As such the City Council has fenced off two trees in Cripplegate Park, and put up signs warning people:

Watch out for falling pears!

Nanny says that the precaution has been taken to stop anyone being hurt.

Nanny has also surrounded the trees with red and white tape, and a plastic barrier has been set up to prevent anyone walking directly under the pears.

Ian Yates, parks and cemeteries manager for Worcester City Council, said he was surprised by the fuss; seemingly the signs were also put up last year, after a member of the public (clearly a knobhead) requested them.

He said, with a straight face:

"If we felled the trees or closed the park I would understand the concern,

but this is an adequate response.

It's a smashing year for very leafy fruits

and there are some sizeable pears (ooh err madam..cue the double entendre)

and not everyone is going to be passing thinking that a pear might fall on them, especially children.

These signs divert people away from the danger."

Pillock!

I wonder if Newton sued the orchard owner when the apple fell on his head?

How pathetic this country has become.

Mankind has survived for 150,000 years with pears falling willy nilly (can I say willy nilly), without the need for a warning sign.

Meanwhile Nanny has engineered a situation whereby Iraqi civilians are being killed (estimates vary from 30,000 to 600,000 in total), not by pears I might add!

OOH!..A little bit of politics...OOH!

We are truly mad.

Nanny Bans Bonking

WARNING THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS PHRASES OF A SEXUAL NATURE

Those of you who wish to indulge in the traditional British Saturday night pastime, of having a few drinks then having a bit of rumpy pumpy, may find themselves a little disappointed.

Nanny has decided to interfere in our sex lives, and has issued some guidelines as to what we have to do before indulging in our sexual pecadildos. In fact we will all have to complete some paperwork before we get our legs over in the future.

In Nanny's view we are simply too irresponsible to be allowed to have sex on our own (not literally folks!), in future it will have to be under her strict supervision. I always thought that she had voyeuristic tendencies.



To this end Nanny's chums in the Home Office are launching a £500K publicity campaign telling men to ensure that a woman has consented to sex, lest they be accused of rape.

The campaign will start next week and will feature; radio adverts, ads in men's magazines, stickers on condom machines and posters in pub toilets.

Nanny believes that we are all "confused" about sex, or rather the implications of her Sexual Offences Act 2003.

In other words, Nanny knows that her act if taken literally (which happens all to frequently these days with her daft laws) will cause almighty problems for us mere mortals. Another example of a badly drafted piece of legislation, which we have to suffer.

The act states that the burden to prove consent lies with the man, who has to show that he had taken 'reasonable steps' to ensure that the woman had consented to sex.

In other words, all men are rapists until they prove otherwise.

One of Nanny's troglodytes in the Home Office said:

"Giving consent is active not passive, and it's up to everyone to make sure that their partner agrees to sexual activity."

The act also states that a person must have the freedom and capacity to consent to sex, which means that if a woman is drunk she has not the ability to give consent.

Now think about that for minute will you, Nanny is saying that women once they have a few drinks are too stupid and irresponsible to be allowed to make decisions. Nanny says that only the man, even if he himself has had a few, can actually be relied upon to make a rational and informed decision. In a nutshell, Nanny believes that women are not able to look after themselves.

Ladies, may I ask, how do you feel about that?

Are you not capable of looking after yourselves, under normal circumstances, on an evening out?

Don't you think that Nanny is being a tad patronising here?

I would also note that the presumption that the man has to prove that consent was given, means that the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" has been abandoned.

Nanny really does hate "due process"!

The only, and most effective, way that people can be sure that they will not fall foul of this daft law is for each party to the rumpy pumpy session to sign a waiver before they "get down to it".

I would also note another problem with Nanny's view of sex, what about lesbians and gays?

Who in the coupling there takes the "man's" role of protector of the "weak and feeble" woman in Nanny's distorted and confused view of sex?

The law is a total arse, Nanny has forgotten the fundamental rule governing British society; namely that British people can only have sex when they are pissed out of their brains.

Request To Nanny

Dear Nanny,

I would like you to address the following issue, relating to those warning cones and signs that are liberally erected whenever some water is spilt onto a floor.

They are bloody dangerous!

I almost tripped over one in Sainsbury's on Saturday, whilst buying my Christmas pudding.

Please can you ensure that, in future, there are warning signs erected; warning us about the slippery floor warning signs.

Thank you.

Ken

Nanny's New Health Warning

Nanny loves to issue health warnings, it seems nothing is safe from her warning messages these days; food, fags and booze have all been stamped with her warning signs.

Now, in a sign that all is not well in the nursery, Nanny has even placed a health warning on one of her own creations.

Nanny’s Department for Transport is warning travellers not to place too much faith in its £50M internet journey-planner project, Transport Direct, because it may be unreliable.

The Transport Direct scheme, which should have been launched two years ago, is undergoing a second phase of trials. It seems that the information it provides is either inaccurate, or simply a duplication of online material available elsewhere. It also has a tendency to crash on a daily basis.

Guess which hapless individual Nanny put in charge of this little “cock up”? Why our old friend, the smooth talking bar steward himself, Mr John Despot.

When Mr Despot was first given the project by Nanny, back in 2000, he was delighted; being put in charge of “an integrated transport policy” was an incredible opportunity.

It did sound a very important task to our Mr Despot. Unfortunately his brain was not firing on all cylinders, the day that he accepted this poison chalice.

Those of you with long memories may recall that most excellent TV series, “Yes Minister”. In one episode, Jim Hacker was given the task of creating “an integrated transport policy”; he was delighted. Until that is Sir Humphrey reminded him that the task was impossible, and that he had in fact been handed the “shitty” end of a particularly smelly political stick; that seasoned politicians knew well to avoid.

Poor old Mr Despot, if only he had watched that episode of “Yes Minister”, clearly Nanny had seen it!

Anyhoo, it did not take Mr D long to realise that the task was impossible. He then came up with a brainwave, why not create a virtual integrated transport policy; in other words let the internet do the work.

Brilliant!

People could access the system, via the net, and tell it the details of their journey. The system would then provide them with the optimal journey logistics car, train, plane etc; all of which would ensure that the traveller would reach their destination as easily, and speedily, as possible. He would call this system “Transport Direct”.

That is an integrated transport system of sorts, isn’t it?

There was only one small problem with this master plan, it was bollocks!

You see, and maybe not everyone has appreciated this point yet; politicians are useless, absolutely useless, at projects and system implementations:

• The costs go over budget



• The designs don’t work



• The politicians “running” the project change jobs



• Politicians are unskilled, unqualified and stupid

All of the above are guaranteed to totally screw up any project that they are involved with.

The same happened here, Transport Direct does not work.

Therefore Nanny has had to issue a health warning about her precious system; users are told that Transport Direct does not guarantee the:

"accuracy, timeliness, completeness, performance or fitness for a particular purpose of the site or its content.The content is provided on an information basis only and should not be relied upon. Where the timing of a journey is of particular importance to you, we advise you to check the information before you travel with the transport operator directly..”

It seems that one test, carried out, showed that Transport Direct was recommending that a trip from the Derbyshire town of Matlock to Perth in Scotland would take more than 16 hours. This included a three-hour, late-night wait at Manchester coach station.

Spiffing!

Nanny had planned an official launch, and advertising campaign early in the New Year. However, ministers are nervous about risking a high-profile public flop so close to the expected spring election campaign.

Nanny believes that Transport Direct will:

"enable the traveller to make an intelligent choice”.

Quite so Nanny, the intelligent choice is to not use Transport Direct; and to vote you, and your idiotic friends, out of office!