Mighty Meaty Fivers

The farcical fuss over the traces of tallow in the new Fivers has prompted Vice to calculate the cow content of a fiver.

Here is their calculation:

"Tallow is rendered cow or mutton fat, but for the sake of argument let's go with cows here.

How much do cows weigh? Between 1,100kg for a male (bull) and 720kg for a female. So, on average, a cow weighs 910kg.

The body fat content of an average cow is 25 percent. Therefore, the amount of fat in an average cow's body is 227.5kg.

How many kilograms of this fat is contained in offcuts you could use to make tallow? About 40kg, according to a man at the James Elliott butcher in Islington.

How much tallow is used in one note, according to the Bank of England? "A trace", which chemically means less than 100 parts per million, or 0.01 percent. A polymer consultant I called confirmed that the tallow present in a given polymer would be a fraction of a single percentage.

New £5 notes weigh 0.7g, therefore there is roughly 0.00007 g of tallow present in one £5 note.

How many fivers are in circulation now, and therefore will be around by May of 2017, when all the old paper ones have been phased out? 329 million notes.

To work out how much tallow will be used in total in all of these fivers, we need to multiply 0.00007g by 329 million, which gives us 23,030g, or 23kg.

And if you get about 40kg of tallow-worthy fat from the average cow, how many cows would you need to make every single £5 note in circulation?

JUST OVER HALF OF ONE COW"

Maybe people should turn their minds to other more pressing issues?
 
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The Dangers of Pies

I see that the financially opaque, yet vociferous, lobby group the Consensus Action on Salt and Health (CASH) has made a study of 526 pie, mash and gravy products.

They conclude that they are too salty!

Particular venom is directed at the chicken and mushroom pie with chips or mash, gravy and peas from Wetherspoons which contains 7.5g of salt.

Blah blah blah!

Here's a few factoids:

1 Salt is necessary for our survival

2 Those with high blood pressure are able to choose not to eat high salt products

3 Drink plenty of water and exercise properly to bring up a sweat, and you will lose any "alleged excess" salt in your body

4 CASH receive finance from the FSA, which means that a government organ is funding a body which is dedicated to changing government policy. That is not right!

5 Cash do not publish any financial data in their annual reports eg:

- who funds them?
- how much do they receive?
- how much are their office bearers paid?
- what do they spend their money on?

Beware of shouty, opaque self elected pressure groups!

Eat more pies!

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Fishy Business

My sympathies to Clive Roberts, a voluntary hospital worker at the University Hospital of Wales, who recently fell foul of Nanny's fish protection rules.

Mr Roberts maintains the pond in the hospital and, because it was about to be drained, used his brains and scooped up the 60 fishy occupants of the pond into a bucket to move them to his own garden pond for temporary housing.

Can you guess what happened next loyal readers?

Yes, that's right, Nanny's Environment Agency told him that he had not followed proper procedures (ie he needed a formal licence to move the goldfish - the rule is there to prevent the spread of disease).

He was worried that he faced the prospect of prosecution and, surprise surprise, a fine of £1K.

Our government, as clearly stated by an outgoing Treasury bod, has no money left. Therefore they, and their minions, will use every trick in the book to bleed us dry.

However, it seems that the media publicity may have caused the EA to back off, they seem to be indicating that they will not take any action.

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The "Light" Touch

Nanny, in the shape of Gordon "Smiler" Brown and his chum Darling, has been loudly harrumphing recently about the banking crisis and how the banks have behaved disgracefully. Nanny has been particularly vocal recently about bonuses (ie rewarding failure), and Sir Fred "The Shred" Goodwin's pension of £650K per annum.

Needless to say Nanny is so cross that she has demanded that Sir Fred stop drawing on it (or face "legal" action), that the banks restrain their bonuses and is threatening a tougher regulatory regime.

Now, in the midst of all of this political spin (so willingly regurgitated by the ever so compliant and malleable media) designed to tap into people's latent disgust over the size of some bankers' pay packets, and the destruction of value by some of Britain's "leading" banks, lies a little problem for Nanny.

Can you guess what that is children?

Yes, that's right, she was in charge of the system during the years of boom:

1 Brown set up the tripartite regulatory system, which has proven to be such a failure.

2 Mervyn King (Governor of the Bank of England) and Hector Sants (CEO of the FSA) have both stated that Nanny insisted on a "light regulatory touch" during the boom years.

3 Sir Fred has stated that his pension was approved by the government, in the shape of Lord Myners.

4 Were Nanny to completely nationalise the "naughty" banks, as her media dogs and political midgets who support her are urging her to do, shares in every other bank in the UK would fall to zero, as people realised that their bank would be next. The result being the complete collapse of the capitalist banking system in this country.

5 Nanny allowed 100% mortgages in the boom years, now she wants them banned. Ironically, Northern Rock (now owned by us) has now been given Treasury approval for 90% mortgages. Isn't 90% almost as bad as 100% in a falling market?

Bottom line, the banking system needs to be saved (the people who destroyed value can be shot after it is saved) and Nanny knows this full well.

Why is she so vocal in her harrumphing then?

Why doesn't she speak more honestly about why the system needs to be saved?

The answer is simple, she is every bit as culpable as the bankers for this crisis; as it happened on her watch, as a result of her "light" touch and her tripartite system.

By the way, isn't it strange that at the very moment Mervyn King and Hector Sants publicly start having a go at Brown and his tripartite system, the details of Sir Fred's pension pot (agreed by Myners in October 2008) are leaked to the press via Peston?

Isn't it odd that Sir Fred's pension is making the lead in the media, such an easy story because it involves a hated banker, instead of the failure of Brown's tripartite system?

It seems to me that Nanny is trying to divert our attention again.

FYI, if you want to read my daily thoughts on finance and issues relating to this crisis pop over to www.loanbuster.net.

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Wasting Our Money - Dr Allison Fraser

Those of you who are wondering if our beloved local councils provide us with value for money, may care to consider what Dr Allison Fraser (CEO of Sandwell council) is doing with their council taxpayers' money.

Dr Fraser has decided that it is necessary to spend £5K to go on a self-awareness training course in Germany and Florida, to teach herself to 'like herself'.

The courses in the Avatar Professional Course will teach her how to become 'more likeable'.

Errmmm...here is a simple suggestion Dr Fraser, to make yourself more likeable, don't waste £5K of taxpayers' money on self indulgent crap!

As Chief Executive, Dr Fraser earns around £140K per annum; so she could afford to pay for this herself, given that "likeability" is not relevant for the role of CEO.

The course is run by the Church of Scientology, a clear sign of "quality", and aims to teach people how to become "more real, authentic", "protect themselves against the abrasions of the world" and "gain a connection with the undefined self".

Sandwell Council leader Bill Thomas is fully in favour of it:

"It is certainly very important that she has access to these training courses. This is considered to be one of the best course around.

The course was approved by the Labour group and the other main political parties."

Ah, how foolish of me, if Labour have approved it then it must be OK then!

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Educashun - Nanny Fails Again

Nanny loves to waste money, especially when it's not hers.

It should therefore come as no surprise to learn that Nanny has burned her way through more than £1BN, in her pathetic attempt at social engineering and recruiting students from disadvantaged homes to attend university.

Guess how many students this £1BN has bought.

A meagre 5,300!

Universities' intake of students classed as having "working class" backgrounds has crept up only fractionally.

Those of you with hangovers, who cannot do the maths, will be interested to learn that the money spent by Nanny comes to a stonking £211,500 per additional "working class" student sent to university.

Money well spent!

Wasting Our Money

Nanny loves to spend money on her pet projects and ill thought out schemes, especially when its our money.

The National Audit Office (NAO) has issued a damning report on Nanny's pathfinder housing market renewal programme, launched in 2002 by our old friend the Smooth Talking Bar Steward.



The "plan" was designed to revive nine areas in the Midlands and the North of England, which had suffered long-standing deprivation.

Unfortunately, as with so many of Nanny's "plans", it was utter bollocks.

The NAO found that despite £2.2BN of OUR money being committed to the scheme, it could find no "causal" link between pathfinder activity and improvements in housing markets.

That's accountant/audit speak for saying that it didn't work.

Although conditions had improved in some neighbourhoods, in others it had led to increased stress in the short term.

Under the programme, 40,000 homes have been refurbished and 1,100 new homes built. About 10,200 properties have also been demolished. In a number of areas there has been opposition to demolition projects and the original plans to demolish 90,000 properties have been reduced to 57,100.

Sir John Bourn departing head of the NAO (who managed to spend a large sum of our money on his and his wife's personal "business" expenses...that's another story folks, which I will cover at a later date) said:

"Housing market renewal is a radical programme

but it is a high-risk approach.

While there have been physical improvements

in some neighbourhoods, it is unclear whether

intervention itself has led to improvement

in the problems of low demand.

And in some cases intervention has

exacerbated problems in the short-term."

Nanny doesn't get it:

• You cannot create demand, where there is none to be created.



• You cannot buck the market.



• You cannot force people to live in areas that they don't want to live in, unless of course you are a dictatorship.



• Throwing money at a problem does not work.

However, it's not Nanny's money and she doesn't give a fark!

Cold Calling

Those of you who have to endure the modern day pestilence of cold calling may enjoy this article, that I wrote today, about a particular company called Contact4 (click the link to read the article).

You will be pleased to know that I have forwarded it to the Treasury Select Committee, the Information Commissioner's Office and various financial journals, with the express recommendation that those who claim to regulate our financial markets do something about these companies.

Wasting Taxpayers' Money

Pssst...want a job that does fuck all?

There's at least six of them going at the Olympics 2012 site.

Apply here.

Nanny Wastes Your Money

What a spectacularly absurd waste of money!

Following a recommendation from a UK parliamentary committee, that more should be done to meet the needs of Muslim prisoners, Nanny's jails are to make every possible effort to make available special cutlery for the Muslim prisoners.

Red handled cutlery will be used, locked away from normal cutlery, so that the prisoners can be assured that their cutlery has not been contaminated by pork.

Each cutlery kit, of which 900 have been bought so far, costs between £500-£800.

Aside from the obvious issues about integration, it seems that as ever with Nanny this is an unnecessary "accommodation" to Muslims.

One Muslim resident of HM's Wakefield jail said:

"We've all eaten in restaurants where no one cares how food is prepared.

None except the strictest Muslims bother to check

whether different equipment is used

it's a waste of money."

I would also venture to suggest, that strict Muslims shouldn't be in jail in the first place....or am I being a tad naive on that point?

Wasting Your Money

The regulars amongst you will know that I am an FCA and auditor, with a few years' experience of working in multi nationals around the world.

One of the many things that I have learned, aside from always going to the loo before a meeting and drying my hands afterwards, is that bonuses should be used to reward good results and exceptional performance.

Bonuses should not be used to reward failure.

Therefore I have to ask the question, why the hell have the staff at the Child Support Agency Staff (CSA) been paid over £25M in bonuses; given that the CSA is a total load of old bollocks!

Even Bliary Poppins herself has said that the organ is not "fit for purpose".

In 2002-03 £11M was paid in the form of bonuses, and £4M was paid last year (when John Hutton the Work and Pensions Secretary announced that the CSA was to be scrapped).

The CSA has a backlog of nearly 240,000 cases, and more than £3.5 billion of uncollected debts on its books.

Around one in five calculations or assessments are inaccurate, and it currently takes around 36 weeks to deal with new applications.

CSA staff admitted entering inaccurate information about families into the agency's computer system, and redirecting calls to answer phones.

Well done lads!

Needless to say Nanny's Department for Work and Pensions think the bonuses are great.

Quote:

"The bonus scheme, agreed by the unions, rewards the hard work of individuals.

CSA staff are, of course, eligible to be recognised in this way.

The CSA's well documented problems stem from the design of the system

introduced in 1993, but staff should not be punished for them."

Sorry, but have I totally misunderstood my last 20 years in business, aren't salaries meant to reward people for their work?

Money well spent!

There you go folks, in Nanny's world lousy work gets rewarded, especially when it's you and I that are paying for it!