What is a gentleman of my quality, such as myself, meant to do when confronted with the frim task of having to travel on Network Snail?
Well, in theory, the answer is simple; buy a large gin and tonic from one of Network Snail's purveyors of food and drink and consume it on the train.
Ah, if only life were that simple!
Last Friday evening, I had cause to leave Croyodonia and travel to Londinium.
On platform 1 of East Croydonia station I went to the SSP outlet to buy a gin and tonic.
SSP, on their website, describe themselves as follows:
"SSP is the leading dedicated operator of food and beverage brands in travel locations worldwide. We have a long heritage in food and travel, with over 60 years experience in the industry.
All our operations feature a mix of food and beverage brands tailored specifically for each location."
Pah!
It should come as no surprise to you to learn that their "expertise" does not extend to having sufficient stocks of gin and tonic to sate my needs.
Indeed, SSP's outlet in the hinterlands of Croydonia has been bereft of gin and tonic for the last 7 weeks. Despite the fact that I have complained and filled in numerous "customer care" forms, they still have failed to replenish stocks.
They are to be congratulated, for they have now been awarded my prestigious "Worse Than WorthlessAward".
However, I digress, allow me to get to the point.
I made do with buying a vodka and tonic.
SSP, being completely useless, did not even have a plastic cup for me to drink this from, but instead proffered me a waxed paper coffee cup!
Good grief!
As I consumed my vodka from this waxed receptacle, I read the following waring:
"Caution contents hot"
Why does Nanny think that people need a warning that a coffee cup would contain a hot liquid?
What possible added value does this warning convey?
What use was it to me with my vodka and tonic?
What a bunch of pussies we have become!
Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.
Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.
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Ken:
ReplyDeleteIt's all part of Nanny's plan, what is the best way of banning booze? Simple, don't have it in the shops.
In the USSR, they got used to shops not having stock, now perhaps this is the first experimental shortage within the EUSSR, first ban the G & T in the people's republic of Croydonia, then roll out (Argghh) the scheme all over the region of the EUSSR that offers the least resistance, namely the UK. Eventually, the population can be controlled via the shortage scheme. For example, An outbreak os sickness in Stevenage, ban the sale of food until they get back to work and re start paying tax. A spate of mugging in Maidenhead, implement a food shortage until the muggers are too knackered to mug.....etc etc.
Ken; I wish you luck, I will try to smuggle some G & T into Croydonia for you as long as I'm not stopped, searched, banged up for 42 days with out charge, only to be fined at the end of that period and have my DNA added to the Dot Gov Database.
This posting will self destruct in thirty seconds before it is added to Dot Gov's database....Must go, there is a nice Community Support Officer knocking at my door, I wonder what he wants.....I must take my adjustable spanner with me as the bolts on the side of his neck look loose!!
Just in from SSP:
ReplyDelete"Hi Ken
Further to your recent e-mail with regard to issues at East Croydon station. Please give me a call to get more information so that we can resolve this for you.
Look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
PR & Communications Manager"
Hah!
To those of you who have offered to ferry supplies of gin to me in Croydonia, I have news.
ReplyDeleteSSP and I have now discussed the matter, and I am assured that supplies will be back by Thursday this week.
It would appear that the "powers that be" have been asleep at the wheel.
For my inconvenience I will be sent a special discount card that will give me 20% off on all future purchases.
Ken,
ReplyDeleteIs that a 20% off card with a perpetual life and no limits? (Well, no limits until Nanny bans booze anywhere within 2 miles of a transport system of some sort ...)
Crikey.
Are their prices really so high they can with stand the costs?
Sounds like a good place to have a party ...
Grant