Safety Advice For Guy Fawkes

As loyal readers know, this site does not normally dispense safety advice.

However, as it is Guy Fawkes, I would like to suggest to those of you intending to have some fireworks tonight to use the traditional bottle or tube launching pad for your rockets not your arse!

The above photo is apparently genuine, and has given rise to the Royal Society for The Prevention of Accidents warning:

"It doesn’t take a bright spark to know that fireworks are not to be toyed with."

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Remember Remember The 5th of November

Remember remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot!

Also please do remember that Nanny doesn't want you:

1 Drinking when using fireworks

2 Using fireworks that are not BS 7114 rated

3 Using Chinese lanterns

4 Using fireworks after midnight

5 Touching hot sparklers etc etc

Notwithstanding the above, please enjoy Guy Fawkes' Night!

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Prats of The Week - Amber Valley Borough Council

My thanks to a loyal reader who has suggested which organisation should receive my prestigious, and internationally renowned, Prats of the Week Award. This week it goes to Amber Valley Borough council.

For why?

Just ask the residents of Lower Hartshay, who for at least 20 years have held a bonfire night celebration.

In the days leading up to Bonfire Night locals would dump wood and grass cuttings on a site ready to burn the effigy of Guy Fawkes.

Not this year though, because council officials removed the 6ft high pile of leaves etc; citing the fact that it was "fly tipping", and that no licence had been applied for.

To add insult to injury the council then left police-style tape marking out the ‘environmental crime scene’, along with a sign warning villagers ‘we are watching you’ and threatening a hefty fine.

Resident David Crowder is quoted by the Mail:

"This is an event that brings us together as a community. We have no church, no community centre and, consequently, everyone comes together for this event.

It’s just garden waste and hedge-cuttings.You’ve only got to look at the ground to see there’s a scorch mark."

Amber Valley Borough council well deserving Prats of The Week!

 
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Nanny Bans Sparklers

I trust and assume that you all had a pleasant and accident free Bonfire Night last night?

Our cat was remarkably relaxed about the whole affair, and the bangs and whistles around our house went off without causing any damage as far as I can see.

My commiserations to those who paid good money to attend public events where Nanny and the insurance companies did their best to put the mockers on it.

The Mail reports that the Round Table Group organised around 70 events across the country, where it seems that the health and safety/insurance rules had to be zealously applied wrt spectators not being allowed to bring in sparklers.

At one of the displays on Saturday night in Moseley, Birmingham, a large sign stated ‘Strictly no sparklers’ on site. Around 3,000 people attended, paying £5 for adults and £2 for children to enter. But anybody who attempted to light sparklers were told to extinguish them immediately.

Sigh!

In my day all manner of dodgy fireworks were freely available eg; jumping jacks, helicopters, bangers etc. Sadly many of these are now consigned to the dustbin of history, because they are deemed to be dangerous.

But sparklers???!!

OK, I admit that once I did mange to burn my hand on a dead sparkler; but that was my own stupid fault.

BTW, did anyone ever manage to get a jumping jack that actually worked satisfactorily?


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Happy Guy Fawkes Night

Have it large tonight folks!



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Confusion Abounds!

As Guy Fawkes (Bonfire) night draws near, it should come as no surprise at all to hear that Nanny has being doing her best to make a damp squib of the whole event (as per normal).

Members of the Somerset County Guy Fawkes Carnival Association, who have been trying to organise the celebrations, have hit a few problems when it was discovered that our "old friends" from the world of insurance were unwilling to accept the heavy trailer floats.

For why?

The insurers were of the view that the drivers needed a heavy goods licence.

The organisers enlisted the help of Avon and Somerset police, and submitted an application for exemption to the DVLA and the Department for Transport (DfT).

You see folks the DVLA regulations ban agricultural licence holders from driving agricultural vehicles towing trailers weighing more than 7.5 tonnes, unless they are performing agricultural work.

The carnival floats exceed limit and are pulled by tractors.

Haha!

Fear not though, the DfT have checked the rules and responded that the rules do not ban provincial carnivals using such means to haul their floats around. It seems that the information on the DVLA website is just overly confusing!

A spokesman for Avon and Somerset Police said the dispute was the result of "confusion all round", and said they will work harder next year will everyone to ensure that they have a greater clarification of the relevant legislation.

Ho Hum!

So much time, effort and money wasted all because the information provided by Nanny was confusing.

It seems to me that many of Nanny's "rules" and "regulations", that are happily quoted by those who wish to stop people living their lives, are in fact non existent.

Nanny deliberately makes things confusing in order to make people avoid doing things, lest they break the law.

Oh, and by the way, I guarantee that many London councils will do their best to use the upcoming fire service strike in London as an excuse to stop firework display etc.

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Pass The Sickbag Someone

Given the many other far more odious sources of pollution that allegedly are contributing to environmental damage (eg planes, factories, forest burning, cows, cars, humans, politicians, newspaper production, wars etc), quite why the Grauniad thinks that fireworks should be top of the list for banning is beyond me.

Should Fireworks Be Banned on Environmental Grounds?

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Bonfire of The Numpties

Here we are again folks, tis Guy Fawkes night!

Hoorah!

As expected, Nanny's anti firework and anti bonfire brigade are doing their level best to put the mockers on this fine event (celebrating a really bright bloke who wanted to get rid of all the politicians of his day!...that's the idea isn't?).

I am sad to see that the year on year negative publicity spewed out by Nanny has so worn down the organisers at Ilfracombe Rugby Club, that they can't even be bothered to ask their council for permission to have a bonfire.

Instead, put off by the "mountain" of paperwork and regulations set by council chiefs, they have opted to have a "virtual" bonfire!

Seemingly a real fire would have required five qualified fire marshals, and metal barricades to keep people at a safe distance.

The "virtual" bonfire will use giant heaters, lighting, sounds of crackling wood and a smoke machine to give the impression of a fire.

There will at least be some real fireworks (this year anyway).

So ends another fine British tradition, worn down by endless paperwork and nit picking bureaucracy.

Have it large tonight folks!

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Nanny Bans Fireworks Again - Via The EU

It should come as no surprise at all to learn that Nanny is doing her best to try to ban fireworks again. Fireworks are fun, and Nanny hates people having fun.

This time Nanny is using her chums in the EU, that most monstrous and corrupt of organisations, to try to ban them.

A directive approved by MEPs (the people who don't want us to read the report into fraud and corruption within the EU) and EU ministers will force Britain and other member nations to adopt new safety regulations by 2010.

It seems that the EU Health and Safety Gestapo are even more officious than our own, they want firework manufacturers to pay for the retesting of tens of thousands of fireworks already considered safe in Britain.

Tom Smith, the Confederation of British Industry spokesman for the pyrotechnics industry, said that the new rules would make it impossible for firework-display firms to produce shows of variety and value.

"Not a single person in Britain will be made safer by all this additional testing, but everyone will be affected by it becoming much more expensive and bureaucratic to import fireworks.

It's a very real threat. You won't have New Year's Eve shows in London and Edinburgh, or on Guy Fawkes Night.

We wouldn't even have a display at the opening ceremony of the London Olympics."

The new European standard means that people will be told to retire at least 26ft after lighting a firework, as opposed to the current 16ft. Many people's gardens are not that big, hence the new rule will stop people holding displays in their own homes.

As ever, we see that the state (this time in the guise of the EU) adds no value to the quality of people's lives. Its sole raison d'etre is to create rules and regulations that justify its own miserable and corrupt existence.

Ask your MEP (if you know who that is) why we are not allowed to read the report on corruption within the EU and the fraud perpetrated by many of the MEP's wrt fraudulent expense claims.

The EU is rotten to the core, and needs to be chopped down to size.

Nanny Bans Bonfires

Remember Remember

The 5th of November

Gun Powder Treason and Plot etc


Tis Guy Fawkes night and, as is tradition, thousands of homes across the country will be preparing bonfires and fireworks parties to celebrate the disemboweling and burning to death of a 17th century terrorist.

Halcyon days!

To be fair, the tradition of bonfire lighting goes back many more centuries than just the 17th. Bonfires were used in the bleak mid winter months to cheer people up, and to celebrate good news.

However, we live in 21st century Nanny Britain now; as such it should come as no surprise that Nanny's minions in her local councils disapprove of such frivolity.

Nanny's chums in Slough Borough Council have banned bonfires and burning Guys from its 5th November celebrations.

What is wrong with burning the effigy of someone who is dead?

There are many countries in the world where effigies of people, who are still alive, are burnt on an almost daily basis.

Anyhoo, Nanny's trolls in Slough Borough Council claim that the polluting effects of smoke would go against its environmental policies, but said rather perversely that it would still display fireworks.

Now tell me I am stupid, but aren't the sulphurous emissions from fireworks equally polluting?

There are some cynics out there who do not believe Slough's rather dodgy explanation, the cynics claim that the change has been ordered so as not to exclude ethnic minorities.

Frankly, if that is true, it sounds a bit half baked to me.

The council have denied the charge, and said the decision was based on environmental concerns alone.

Councillor Dexter Smith, the council's commissioner for planning, said there was a "responsibility to look after our environment and reduce our carbon footprint".

One night, one bonfire!

Seriously, how much of a difference will that make to the world?

It's our farking cultural heritage to set fire to things!

Happy Bonfire Night folks!

The Firework Code

As you all know, we have recently celebrated Guy Fawkes night here in Nanny's Britain. Despite Nanny's attempts to stamp this out, it still seems to be going strong (even if some have to resort to "virtual bonfires", because of health and safety concerns).

However, as much as I am anti Nanny, I must raise an official complaint about a shortcoming in the "Firework Code". This is a simple list of do's and don'ts that try to help people avoid injury when using fireworks eg:

"Don't throw fireworks"

Regrettably Nanny has failed, this year, to make the list suitably "idiot proof". It seems that a 22 year old man had to be carted off to hospital for severe burns.

Why?

He was at a fireworks party in Sunderland, dropped his trousers and attempted to launch a rocket from his own backside!

Seemingly the rocket (a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket) got stuck, as it were, and then exploded "in situ"...er..so to speak.

The man is suffering from, unsurprisingly, burnt arse syndrome.

He will make a full recovery.

So there you go folks, Nanny let herself down this year by not including the following in the Firework Code:

"Do not attempt to launch rockets from your own arse"

That being said, no matter how many rules and regulations you have you will never be able to fully protect the moronic and stupid from themselves.

Nanny's Virtual Bonfire

Remember,
Remember,
The fifth of November,
Gunpowder, Treason and Plot

Make the most of Guy Fawkes folks, it seems that Nanny is intent on banning it. That is at least what the members of Ilfracombe Rugby Club have discovered, as they attempt to hold a Guy Fawkes party.

They will be holding the UK's first "virtual" bonfire on Guy Fawkes night, due to health and safety concerns.

Ilfracombe Rugby Club will project a previously-filmed bonfire on to a giant screen that will hang between goal posts on the pitch.

Club president Paul Crabb said:

"We've received a positive feedback,

people realise it's a little bit tongue in cheek

and a laugh that they could be seeing Britain's first virtual bonfire.

It's become a hot topic down here,

but everyone thinks it's a really quirky idea

and they're all looking forward to it."

Perversely there will still be a firework display.

Mr Crabb added:

"Of course it would be cheaper to build a bonfire,

but at least it'll be safer.

When you are planning a bonfire you have to do risk assessments,

we would have needed four or five more marshals than we have

so it was all going to involve a huge amount of effort."

Another fine tradition up in smoke...so to speak!

Nanny Bans Guy Fawkes

As we approach Guy Fawkes night, Nanny does her best to spoil the event by trying to stop people letting off fireworks and holding bonfires.

However, Tower Hamlets council have gone one better, by banning Guy Fawkes night in favour of holding a £75,000 fireworks party celebrating an obscure Indian folk tale.

The knobheads in the council will hold an event called "The Emperor and The Tiger" on November 5.

Tower Hamlets Council held a Guy Fawkes-themed fireworks party last year.

Around 23,000 people turned up at Victoria Park to watch a huge model of the Houses of Parliament burn, marking the 400th anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot.

However, rather than repeating a proven success the knobheads in the council say:

"We did Guy Fawkes last year."

The borough will instead celebrate a folk tale from the Bengali community which tells the story of the 'Moghul Emperor, the Wise Man and the Guardian of the Jungle'.

A 12ft long mechanical Bengal Tiger, operated by four people will pace a giant catwalk as fire lights up a 'forest' to the sound of Bangla drummers and dancers.

The PR blurb says:

"The greedy Emperor wants his taxes, and the people must pay."

How very appropriate!

John Midgley, spokesman for the Campaign Against Political Correctness, said the council's decision would "explode in their faces".

"This is blatantly ridiculous.

It's almost too insane for words.

There's a time and a place for everything and November 5 is for Bonfire Night.

It's time for common sense and for people

to tell bureaucrats that politically correct actions

like these undermine our historic occasions

and harm community relations.

This is a massive own goal."

Evidently knobheads and twats are in charge in Tower Hamlets.

Roll Out The Barrel

Tis soon Guy Fawkes night, when we celebrate the arrest, disembowelling and burning to death (note you are still alive when disembowelled by professionals) of a Catholic terrorist who was going to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

As befitting that tradition, people set off fireworks and burn effigies of Guy Fawkes on bonfires. In some parts of the country villages have adapted their own celebrations based on this centuries old tradition.

In the Devon town of Ottery St Mary, for the last 400 years, locals run through the streets carrying barrels of burning tar on their backs.

Guess what though?

Nanny doesn't approve of this!

The tradition was under threat, because it turns out it's quite hard to get insurance for running around with a barrel of highly flammable liquid on your back.

I can't believe it!

The event regularly raises thousands of pounds for charity.

Unfortunately, after an unexpected claim made last year the organisers' insurance firm pulled out.

The president of the Ottery St Mary carnival, Andy Wade, said that it's the first time he can ever remember an insurance claim being made.

However, I am pleased to report good news; after a nationwide appeal, the organisers have obtained £5M public liability insurance from another company to cover the event.

So, there you go, if you make a stand against Nanny you can still prevail!

Nanny Bans Bonfires Again

Guy Fawkes night has just been and gone for another year; most of us managed to survive it unscathed, despite Nanny's warnings of doom and disaster.

Nonetheless, Nanny's chums in Test Valley Council Hampshire tried their very best to dampen the local residents' attempts to enjoy themselves on the 5th.

The residents were told by Nanny to spend their evening more constructively, composting their garden waste!

In a leaflet, the Test Valley Council, claimed that smoke from bonfires annoyed neighbours, made people ill and drifted over roads.

The council went on to warn that smoke, ash and smell polluted the environment and damaged people's health, especially those suffering from asthma, bronchitis or heart conditions.

It also warned of the dangers posed by bonfires spreading to surrounding fences and shrubs, as well as smoke causing traffic hazards.

The British people have been organising bonfires for the last 400 years, since the Gunpowder Plot was uncovered; we have managed to survive, and the country has yet to be engulfed in flames.

Nanny should really find something better to do with her time.

Remember, Remember...

This time of the year affords Nanny so many opportunities to interfere in our lives, as she seeks to remove every vestige of fun and excitement from the daily grind.

First there is the threat posed by conkers; now, as we approach November the 5th, we have Nanny’s other pet hate fireworks.

Nanny has had an overriding ambition to ban fireworks outright, she has not yet achieved this. However, she is doing her best to “put the mockers” on Guy Fawkes Night; by introducing a whole host of rules and regulations to make it impossible to enjoy the event.

One such rule is that public bonfires must be cordoned off, and monitored 24 hours a day.

Nanny’s daft little bonfire rule has succeeded in ruining one Guy Fawkes party in Coleshill, Warwikshire. They will not be holding a bonfire this year there, because of this rule.

This fine example of the inflexibility of the nanny state is particularly irksome to the residents of Coleshill; for you see the bonfire was to have been built next door to the local fire station, by the local firefighters.

Nanny can’t quite see the irony in this.