Scum!

My thanks to John, who sent me this story about the goings on in the parish of Threemilestone in Truro Cornwall.

Threemilestone Parish Council have provided a play area, equipped with play equipment, in the locality for very young children.

However, it was recently vandalised by youths putting broken glass bottles in strategic places; such as at the bottom of a slide and amongst the bark chippings, which had been provided to stop children from injuring themselves.

Scum!

A few weeks ago three of the Parish Councillors were trying to clear this glass from amongst the bark chippings, when a small group of local louts (Scum!) approached them and started shouting obscenities.

One of the Councillors started to take photographs of the youths (Scum!), using his camera in his mobile phone to record the incident.

Full marks to him for his initiative!

Unfortunately, Nanny then decided to involve herself in this matter.

A few days later, these same Councillors received a letter from one of Nanny's chums in the Social Services telling them that they were wrong to take the photos.

Why?

Because the Scum were classified by Nanny as being children!!

As John says, it speaks volumes does it not??

Nanny has made the mistake of classifying the vandals as human, their actions clearly define them as sub human scum.

As such, they do not deserve to be accorded the same rights accorded to decent human beings.

I wonder what precisely Nanny would have done if a child had injured himself/herself on this glass?

Hoisted By Her Own Petard

You will doubtless recall all the fuss that erupted when Anne Robinson described the Welsh as being "irritating and annoying".

Nanny's police in the province managed to burn their way through £4k investigating 12 complaints by people who felt that Anne had "broken the law".

You will also recall how I mused rather wistfully the other day, in my post about "Nanny's Dirty Diary", that Anne Robinson had been investigated for something far more trivial than Blairy's comments about the Welsh.

"Fucking Welsh" I believe he said, following on from the Welsh Assembly elections in 1999.

Surely far worse than "irritating and annoying"?

Well, guess what?

Some people have complained, and Nanny's police in North Wales are now going to investigate.

The North Wales Police are seeking the advice of the Crown Prosecution Service, money well spent!

Who lodged the complaint?

Well take your pick; a whole series of Welsh groups were annopyed at this "henious" breach of the law, including nationalist political party Plaid Cymru (Welsh for "Party of Wales") have said they would lodge complaints about the alleged comments.

This site wishes Nanny well in her "self examination".

Maybe she may now consider revsing some of her laws, in view of this absurd waste of time and money?

Coo!

Nanny is great believer in the maxim:

"Give me a child at the age of seven, and he is mine for life".

To this end Nanny believes that the younger she starts interfering in, and influencing, the lives of people the more control that she will have over them.

Nanny's chums in Calderdale Royal Hospital Halifax, certainly seem to believe in that maxim.

They have banned visitors from "cooing" at new-born babies, lest the "cooing" breaches the babies human rights.

Pardon?

The Calderdale Royal Hospital recently held an advice session for staff, which highlighted the need for respect and dignity for patients.

Fair enough, yet as usual with Nanny things went a little too far; as they decided to extend this right to babies.

On one ward there is a doll featuring the message:

"What makes you think I want to be looked at?"

The hospital has introduced rules that stop people asking mothers questions about their babies, or looking at them in maternity wards.

Debbie Lawson, neo-natal manager at the hospital's special care baby unit, said:

"Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you or me."

This is where Nanny and her chums always come a cropper, they have this daft belief that children are just "small adults".

Utter....wait for it...wait for it...

Bollocks!

Children are no better than animals, who need control and discipline as they evolve into mature responsible adults.

Studies show that the "mind" of a teenager is still being hard wired, and that normal "adult" functions such as expression recognition are in fact not functioning properly.

So please tell me how it is that Nanny can call a baby a "little person"?

Needless to say new mothers have already said that the rules are daft.

If a mother does not want to talk about her baby, or indeed show her baby to third party, then she will say so.

It really is a simple as that.

Now if only Nanny were to address the far more serious issue of the rights of the elderly when being treated in hospital and care homes, then she might get my support.

Bollocks To The Bar Steward

I have taken on board an earlier suggestion from a visitor, who was angry that he would be arrested for wearing a "Bollocks To Blair" T shirt.

Here is Nanny Knows Best's answer to the ban:

"Bollocks To The Bar Steward"

A whole range of items bearing this fine logo, featuring Nannny's smooth talking bar steward, can now be purchased from Nanny Knows Best.





If you don't want a T shirt, may I interest you in a thong?

You can visit the store via this link Bollocks To The Bar Steward.

Nanny's Dirty Diary

Nanny's party conference, the modern day equivalent of the Nuremburg rally, is upon us once again.

It is now time to prick her inflated bubble of self congratulation; so "eloquently" espoused by John Despot, when he opened the conference by telling the delegates that they should all give each other a hug/handshake of congratulations for their "achievements".

Nauseating shit!

The best way to do this is from within, Lance Price (former deputy to Alastair Campbell) has given the media the ammunition to do just that.

Price has published a book, "The Spin Doctor's Diary", which gives a frank account of the tantrums and cynicism of Blairy's inner circle.

Amongst the goodies contained with in the book are the following:

• Blairy privately seemed to "relish" sending British forces to Iraq as his "first blooding", while publicly claiming he did it "with a heavy heart"; ie he is two faced.



• Blairy referred to the "f****** Welsh" when an election in the principality was going against Labour. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the police spend £4K investigating Anne Robinson for something far more trivial?



• Blairy made up policies on the hoof with his spin doctors, sometimes minutes before appearing on television.

Price also claims that the media was bullied, browbeaten and bribed with favours to report Labour favourably, and that the BBC reveals its questions in advance to Blair at press conferences in return for their reporters being chosen to ask their questions first.

I think we knew that anyway.

Price claims that the cabinet was often reduced to the role of bystanders, as Blair and his spin doctors made the big decisions.

Price also claims that two of Nanny's officials had sex on a sofa in Blairy's office in Labours Millbank HQ, as cabinet ministers celebrated their second election landslide victory yards away in 2001.

I hope it was "safe sex"!

According to Price, Blairy also has admitted that private schools "give kids a much better education"; and that he wants to privatise parts of the NHS.

As one senior politician in Germany in the early thirties remarked:

"The gangsters are now running the country".

Nanny Bans T Shirts

Worried about freedom of speech?

Worried about being able to express a political opinion in public?

Well now there's no reason to worry anymore.

Nanny has removed the right to freedom of expression.

That at least is the case for those of you who express your opinions by wearing T shirts with slogans.

Charlotte Dennis was innocently attending the Midland Game Fair in Staffordshire, minding her own business, when suddenly Nanny's police grabbed her and dragged her into a police car.

They informed her that she was committing an offence.

Her offence?

She was wearing a T shirt with the slogan "Bollocks To Blair" emblazoned across the chest.

Nanny's police eventually released her, without charge, only after she agreed to cover her T shirt up.

Frightened and worried?

You should be.

May I suggest that you invest in the fine Nanny Knows Best T shirt, as advertised in the right hand menu bar.

Nanny will doubtless be soon banning them, making them collectors' items.

Nanny Bribes Truants

Nanny has been greatly alarmed by the recent statistics that show her "educashun" policies are failing.

Aside from the number of university dropouts, she is very worried about the persistent level of truancy from her "gleaming spires" of academia.

Some 70000 children a day are "bunking off" school, despite Nanny spending £1BN on trying to improve discipline.

To this end, she has come up with a brilliant plan.

Children will be let off their homework, as a reward for turning up to school regularly.

A sure fire winner!

Teachers have been told to offer "incentives" to pupils to encourage good attendance.

How about giving them a good clip round the ear, if they don't turn up?

Nanny's incentives, according to suggestions on Nanny's Teachernet website, include running a class quiz or giving pupils a day off their homework.

Quote:

"Consider offering incentives for good attendance.

These might be computer time, a class quiz or contest, a homework-free day and so on;

whatever is close to the desires of your particular class."

As Alan Smithers, Professor of Education at the University of Buckingham, said:

"If you have got somebody who isn't attending school and you say if you attend school you won't have to do your homework, I don't know quite what that signals."

I can tell him; it signals that there is no point going to school, as you won't be expected to do anything anyway.

Nanny needs a good thrashing for her stupidity.

Cut Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face

My compliments to the good people of Blackburn and Darwen Council who, being loyal followers of Nanny, have a very rigid rule regarding who may speak at their council planning meetings.

In order to ensure that chaos and unsavoury elements do not disrupt the discussions, all prospective speakers must file a request to speak by noon of the previous day.

Fair enough, if you can file the request and know about the rule.

However, there are occasions when maybe a legitimate speaker cannot make that deadline.

In the normal world, that you and I inhabit, an exception would be made and the person would be allowed to speak. However, in Nanny's world there are no exceptions; no matter what the circumstances.

Nanny's chums at Blackburn and Darwen Council maintained their iron rule the other week, when an American millionaire tried to speak at the meeting but was banned by the council because he had not filed a request to speak.

Jim Smith, from the council, said:

"Everyone must be treated the same way".

What Smith and his jobsworths in the council should have remembered, was the fact that the American was offering to pay for the council's massively expensive sports complex. He had just flown in from the States; he was not aware of the rule and was most certainly not able to comply with it, as he was in the mid Atlantic at the time of the deadline.

Nice work Nanny!

This petulant attitude to "jobsworth" rules and petty regulations symbolises the soul destroying nature of Nanny and her local government officers.

Break the rules, and break Nanny's grip on power.

Money Well Spent

Nanny and her police are to be congratulated on the time and money spent on the investigation of "the Nation's sweetheart" Anne Robinson, for her "anti Welsh" comments in 2003.

Seemingly, Nanny was so annoyed at Anne that she spent nearly £4K on a police investigation into the comments.

Mind boggling isn't it?

Dear old Anne, talking about her childhood and the large groups of people from North Wales who shopped at her mother's market stall in Liverpool, branded the Welsh as "irritating and annoying" on the BBC show "Room 101".

Needless to say, 12 people with nothing better to do complained to the police.

Prats!

Nanny's chum North Wales Police Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom set up an inquiry, and sent two detectives to London to interview Greg Dyke (Head of the BBC).

Don't our police have better things to do with their time?

Seemingly not.

Anyhoo, after wasting £4K and 96 hours on this "serious crime"; Brunstrom wrote to Dyke, explaining that there was "insufficient evidence" to take the matter to court.

For the record, one superintendent, a detective chief inspector and two detective inspectors were involved in the probe.

Nanny's chum Carl Sargeant, Labour AM for Alyn and Deeside, said:

"I would have expected the investigation to cost a lot more than it did."

Another prat!

Come on, are people now so thin skinned that they have to bring in the police at the first "perceived" trivial insult?

Are our police so inept that they then have to investigate these absurd complaints?

The Trouble With Doors

I really do think that there is something seriously awry with the "British sense of perspective".

In the past people would accept that in life "shit happens", and that when something went wrong (whether or not it was yours or another's fault) you picked yourself up and got on with your life without whinging like a spoilt child.

How time changes!

We are now so afraid of the "retribution" from the potentially "injured", that we seek to eliminate any possibility of risk from our lives and the lives of third parties.

In 2002 Peter Casson suffered facial injuries after he was hit by a door, which was caught by a gust of wind at St James Primary School Millom.

Not pleasant, I agree, but these things happen.

Casson was then awarded £22K.

This award has now sent a shock wave of fear through Nanny's chums at the school, they have issued an edict banning parents from going into the school building.

The edict, sent to parents, says that parents of children in junior classes must stay outside the gates when collecting children.

The headteacher, Maureen Hughes, wrote:

"We must respectfully request that in future parents of children in junior classes remain outside the junior gates when collecting children from school.

There will be alterations to the grounds taking place in the near future which will restrict access to the junior classrooms from the playground.

We acknowledge the need for parents of infant children to take their child to and from the classroom doors and this will still be acceptable.

We must stress that children must be left or collected at the door

and parents will not be permitted to enter the school building."

Parents and visitors now have to contact the school office, going in through the main entrance, if they want to speak to a member of staff.

What kind of message does this convey to the children I wonder?

Nanny Bans Bouncy Castles

Those of you who enjoy a good bounce, should avoid Fife in Scotland.

Nanny's chums in Fife Council have ordered schools, leisure centres and community centres not to allow anyone using their premises to hire inflatable castles for parties, fetes and gala days.

This bizarre ban, they claim, has been forced on them for health and safety reasons; after a number of children were injured on bouncy castles over the summer.

However, safety experts at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said it would never call for a ban on the castles. They have a more pragmatic solution, namely telling parents to ensure children "jump with care".

Ken Greer, the senior education manager at Fife Council, gave this pompous quote to the media:

"We have set a policy on bouncy castles, as there were a number of accidents involving them in the summer.

It was decided, because of health and safety issues,

that there should be a moratorium on using bouncy castles."

Utter bollocks!

No wonder children seek thrills by playing on railway lines.

Nanny Bans Beer Towels

Whilst the Nanny Knows Best team were out celebrating NKB's first birthday last night, we got talking to Jackie, the landlady of "The Drum and Monkey" a fine local hostelry in Croydon.

Jackie tells me that Nanny strongly disapproves of beer towels, those useful clothes that soak up spilt beer.

Nanny is under the impression that they are unhygienic.

Nonsense!

Surely it is more unhygienic to have gallons of stale beer swilling about the bar?

Besides that, does Nanny seriously think that people are going to start sucking on them?

Seemingly she does!

Happy Birthday

Nanny Knows Best proudly celebrates its first birthday today.

Yes, Nanny Knows Best is exactly one year old today!

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?






In order to celebrate this great occasion, the staff at Nanny Knows Best will be partying tonight and indulging in all the activities that Nanny disapproves of namely; smoking, drinking and eating etc.

My thanks to all of you who visit, I hope to see you again during the coming year; please bring your friends.

The next year will be equally challenging, as Nanny attempts to tighten her grip on the freedoms of the British people.

www.nannyknowsbest.com will continue to fight back.

Best regards

Ken

Nanny Bans Bob

Poor old Bob Geldof, all he ever wanted to do (apart from make money selling records) was to feed the world.

Now Nanny has come in and put a stop to that.

Make Poverty History (MPH) was banned this week from television and radio advertising in Britain.

Nanny's advertising watchdog Ofcom said that the goals of its campaign, to feed the starving, were political and therefore outlawed.

Ofcom said:

"We have reached the unavoidable conclusion that MPH is a body whose objects are 'wholly or mainly' political as defined under the Act. MPH is therefore prohibited from advertising on television or radio".

Why is it then, that we are bombarded on a daily basis with Nanny's adverts for health, social security, tax credits etc; which are paid for by us, yet are clearly designed to support Nanny's government?

They are political as well, surely?

Nanny Bans Cornish Pasties

Dear oh dear, things must be getting pretty desperate in the nursery.

Even by Nanny's standards, she has scraped the proverbial barrel with this incursion into a harmless activity.

This time Nanny vented her spleen on poor old Dave Polley, who was driving his car and innocently munching on a Cornish pasty.

When he had munched all of the filling, he found that he was left with some of the crust.

Now I know that we should eat our crusts up as well; but Dave did what many of us are inclined to do, he lobbed the crust out of the window for the birds to eat.

Unfortunately for him, in the car behind him was an officious git from Penwith District Council who is one of their anti litter officers.

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right.

Instead of seeing reason, and using common sense, the "officious git" gave Mr Polley a ticket and fined him.

Rumour has it that Penwith District Council are now patrolling parks, looking to arrest people for feeding the ducks.

Common sense has long since flown out of the window.

Those of you who want to make one, and send it as a gift to Penwith District Council or simply eat it yourselves can try this recipe.

Cornish Pasties Recipe

Cornish Pasties originated in Cornwall as a handy way for miners to take their lunch to work.

Shortcrust pastry encases a mixture of finely chopped meat and vegetables.

Ingredients

10 oz flour
A pinch of salt
4 oz of cold butter
1 to 3 tablespoons of water

8 oz of cubed beef
2 potatoes
1 swede/turnip
1 medium onion
salt & pepper
2 tablespoons of fresh parsley
¼ teaspoon of mustard
2 teaspoons of tomato sauce / ketchup (optional)
1 egg

Short Pastry

In a large bowl or food processor sift the flour and salt, cut the cold butter into small cubes and add to the flour.

Rub the butter into the flour with your hands or using the food processor, until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Make a well in the centre and add sufficient water to mix to a firm dough.

Handle as little as possible as this prevents the pastry from becoming hard when it is baked.

Roll into a ball, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Filling

Preheat oven to 200 degrees C.

Put the cubed meat into a large bowl.

Chop the onion finely, and add to the meat.

Peel the potatoes and swedturnipip, cut into very small cubes.

Mix thoroughly with the meat, add the seasonings (a little water may be added to moisten) and cover.

On a lightly floured bench or board roll the pastry out to around 1/8 inch thick.

Cut 6 rounds, using a 6 1/2 inch diameter plate as a guide.

Arrange the filling evenly in the centre of each round.

Lightly beat the egg and glaze the edge of each round with a pastry brush.

Lift the two opposite edges of the pastry and pull together over the filling.

Pinch at regular intervals along the edge to form a frill.

Brush each pasty with egg and place on a baking tray.

Bake for 3/4 to 1 hour.

Eat hot or cold.

Nanny Bans Bicycles

Nanny issues so many warnings and instructions to us, about how we should live our lives, that she sometimes gets herself into a bit of a muddle.

Poor old Nanny!

One such instance of this mental confusion occurred the other day.

Nanny's chums in Bournemouth District Health Trust have banned nurses in their area from cycling.

Why?

Obvious really, it seems that Nanny is worried that the nurses will be attacked and their syringes and needles will be stolen.

Nanny seems to have forgotten that she has told us to take more exercise.

District nurse Kathy Archer, who does her rounds by bike, thinks that this is bollocks.

She has never been attacked, and notes that cycling keeps her fit, cuts pollution and saves her trust £1,000 a year in fuel bills.

The Royal College of Nursing also thinks that the ban is bollocks, though they in fact use a far more polite word:

"Nonsense".

Nanny's Contraceptive Hot Water Bottle

I do like it when people fight back against Nanny and her nonsense.

The cockles (can I say cockles?) of my heart were particularly warmed by this tale of resistance, mounted by nurses at certain independent schools.

It seems that some independent schools have had an attack of Nannyitis, and are attempting to ban their pupils using contraceptives.

Now call me old fashioned.

You're old fashioned Ken.

Thank you!

However, surely these schools cannot seriously think that increases in the cases of VD, AIDS and pregnancies are better than their "moral principles" on teenage sex being broken?

Well seemingly they do think that.

Anyhoo, some spirited nurses have decided to mount a guerilla resistance to this daft ban.

Delegates at the RCN independent school nurses sub-group annual conference, in London the other week, said they use a variety of strategies to get around bans on contraception at their schools.

One said that she blatantly lied on the budget.

"We are not allowed to buy condoms. We do not have a budget for them so I put them down as hot water bottles".

Another said that she got round the ban at her school, by developing a good relationship with her local pharmacist.

Quote:

"I ring up Boots and say I am sending down someone for free emergency contraception."

A third said that she goes to her own GP and asks for large batches of condoms for herself, which she then gives to pupils.

RCN sexual health adviser, Kathy French, said:

"Giving out condoms is not about promoting sex. It is about trying to improve young people's health."

Exactly!

Shame on these schools for sticking to dogma, in the face of a serious public health issue.

Hypocritical Oath

I have always had the feeling that doctors were a tad dishonest, when it comes to practicing what they preach.

Statistically doctors tend to drink, smoke and take drugs more than the average bloke in the street.

Yet they are more than happy to jump on Nanny's anti food, drink and smoking bandwagon, and harp on to us about how bad our lifestyles are.

However, when push comes to shove, they are more than happy to practice that old maxim of Nanny's "do as I say, not as I do".

A fine example of this hypocritical approach (there is a doctor type joke in the title by the way folks!) comes from the Royal College of Physicians (RCP).

The College have stated in public that all-day drinking "flies in the face of common sense".

Which is good to know.

These people don't get it, do they?

The fact that a bar might be open for longer than normal, does not mean that 100% of the population will sit in the bar drinking for 24 hours non stop.

However, notwithstanding their medical advice against all day drinking, they have nonetheless applied for the bar in their London headquarters and conference centre at Regent's Park to remain open until midnight.

The bar will remain open for 15 hours a day, from 9am to midnight.

Surely that "flies in the face of common sense"?

Not according to the RCP; for you see Ladies and Gentlemen, being doctors they know how to drink sensibly (something that you and I, as mere mortals, do not know how to do).

Their spokesman said:

"As a major conference centre, the College must have a licence in order to be able to serve alcohol with conference dinners and other functions.

The small extension we have applied for is to bring us into line with other conference centres, and to respond to client demand.

There is no bar at the College, nor are there any areas where alcohol can be ordered and consumed in unlimited quantities. All alcohol must be ordered in advance to accompany a specific function, usually conference dinners.

We would not have applied for an extension to our licence if we felt that this would lead to an increase in alcohol intake, it is simply to allow clients to have more flexibility over timing of events."

Physician heal thyself!

Hot Doggedy Dog

You know how Nanny has been lecturing us ad nauseam about the health risks, to us, of eating "junk food"?

Not one day goes by when Nanny, or one of her lackeys, doesn't come up with a new scare story; warning us that we will die a gruesome and grisly death, if we eat one more hamburger or leg of fried chicken.

Well, it seems that Nanny may have to change her message a little bit.

Scientists at the National Institutes of Health have found out that the sodium nitrite content of hot dogs may in fact be health beneficial. They have started infusing sodium nitrite into volunteers; in hopes that it could prove a cheap but potent treatment for sickle cell anemia, heart attacks, brain aneurysms, even an illness that suffocates babies.

These ailments all have something in common; namely that they are associated with low oxygen (now you know why Michael Jackson sleeps in an oxygen tent!), seemingly these problems can be eased by nitrite.

Nitrite is used by the food industry to preserve certain forms of processed meat, such as hot dogs.

It seems that hot dogs may in fact help you live longer!

Yah Boo to you Nanny!

I'll have mustard and ketchup on mine.

Nanny Bans Hitler?

It may not have escaped your attention, but the Second World War ended some 60 years ago.

Evidently this has come as something of a surprise to Nanny, for some 60 years on she has decided that Hitler should be banned.

Well, when I say Hitler has to be banned, I mean that his name should be banned.

Sixty years too late, but I suppose that the gesture is well meant!

Unfortunately, as with all things that Nanny turns her hand to, she has managed to over react.

Nanny, in her infinite wisdom, has banned the name Hitler in the Cornish port of Mevagissey. You see, ladies and gentlemen, in this picturesque beauty spot there is a park called Hitler's Walk.

The parkland, overlooking the harbour, received the name in the 1930's after a local councillor Wright Harris.

He wanted to make sure fishermen paid their fees, and would stand in the park checking their comings and goings.

Needless to say the locals soon nicknamed the spot after the German chancellor Adolf Hitler.

Now it seems that some people, not locals but newcomers, have nothing better to do with their time than to complain about things.

Isn't it funny how as soon as you let strangers come and live with you, they start to complain about things and try to change the way you live?

Anyhoo, the newbies have decided that they don't like the name of the park and have told Nanny's chums in the local borough council to take down two newly-erected signs.

However, the parish councillors are mounting a fierce resistance and want the signs returned.

I wish the parish council well, it is quite obvious that the name of the park is in no way some sinister memorial to Adolf Hitler of Berlin.

My suggestion to the newcomers is simple, you knew what the place was like before you went there; if you don't like it, then leave!

Full Marks For Nanny

You know how Nanny hates the use of the word "failure", don't you?

She has this funny idea that everyone must be constantly told that they are successful, and shielded from life's realities. See "Nanny Bans Failure"

The unfortunate consequence of this is that she has created a nation of immature self centered dullards, who are incapable of managing their own lives and cannot face the slightest set back.

Don't believe me?

Watch any "reality" TV show, to see the inbred ignorance and immaturity that Nanny has fostered. A fine example being the "healthy eating" shows, where an "adult" is presented with something as radical as a dish of vegetables. See that "adult" turn their nose up, and throw a tantrum like a small child, as they bleat "but I don't eat vegetables".

Pathetic!

Anyhoo, Nanny has continued her efforts to eradicate "failure" from our society.

It seems that teenagers needed marks of only 47%, to score a top A* grade in the GCSE business studies paper set by AQA this year. That means they could get a stunning 53% of the paper wrong, for those of you with recent A grades in maths, and still be classified as the best.

Pupils taking one maths paper set by Edexcel, worth 25% of the total exam grade, were required to only get a mark of 16% for a C grade.

Outstanding!

Only 45%, or less, was needed to get a grade C on more than 100 GCSE papers set by the AQA exam board.

Nanny has set her sprites and elves to work in defending these atrocious results, her chums at Edexcel said:

"Students have to perform consistently across all stages to gain the grade.

Edexcel's chief examiners and accountable officer are confident that the grade boundaries this year are commensurate with boundaries from past years.

To gain the maths GCSE students have to sit seven tests and submit one piece of coursework."

That is missing the point, if the pass rate is going up the exams must be getting easier.

Sorry Nanny, the entire purpose of exams is not to educate but to stream; a sad fact of life that may be!

Education comes from the day to day work performed in schools, at home and later (if the individual deserves it) in university.

Punch Up In Nanny's Nursery

Oh dear, all is not well in Nanny's nursery.

Nanny's little elves and sprites have had something of a falling out amongst themselves.

It seems that Fungus Clarke and Nanny's Smooth Talking Bar Steward John Despot are annoyed at the £90M fund being given to Louise Casey, Nanny's so called "anti yob" adviser and "respect co-ordinator".

Those of you with long memories may recall that Ms Casey got herself in hot water, a while ago, for saying that it would be best if ministers et al came to work pissed. See "Anti Binge Drinking Policy is Bollocks" for more details.

Anyhoo, Blairy Poppins is annoyed at the lack of enthusiasm for her initiative shown by Fungus and Despot. These naughty boys have been trying to block Nanny from funding the campaign.

Tut tut!

Expressions of free will are simply not allowed, didn't you know that boys?

Blairy has sided with Casey against Fungus, when Casey criticised "evidence-based" policy built on statistics. Blairy recently told Fungus, at a private meeting, that he needed "a sense of conviction" about the antisocial behaviour agenda.

In other words, Nanny is saying that beliefs matter more than facts.

Well, that's certainly one way to make up policy!

Unfortunately it is not the right way.

Blairy then went on to write to David Miliband, Despot's deputy who tried to block funding, saying:

"I am grateful for what you have been doing so far with Louise and her 'respect' team

I am firmly of the view, though, that the 'respect' programme of work will not be able to function and deliver results without clear and dedicated funds from the relevant departments, particularly the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, where a major tranche of this works falls."

In other words, what Blairy says goes!

Cabinet collective responsibility has been banned.

We Are Not Amused II

Following on from my earlier article ("We Are Not Amused")about the now infamous speech of John Humphrys, it seems that there is a little more to this than reaches the eye.

You see, there is always a reason as to why some stories are published in the media and others aren't.

In this case, the story was first printed in the Times.

Now you would assume that this would have nothing to do with Nanny.

It seems, and why am I surprised, that Nanny indeed may have had a hand in this.

The Times article was written by Tom Baldwin, a political journalist with close links to Nanny's spin machine and her best chum a certain Mr A. Campbell.

The story also contain criticism of Humphrys from Tim Allan, who was one of Nanny's spin doctors. In fact Allan was Campbell's deputy at the Downing Street communications department.

My word, is it possible that The Times has been used by Nanny in some form of covert attack on John Humphrys; surely the media is not so easily manipulated by Nanny in this way?

The embarrassment of the Times is further compounded by the following revelation from Mark Rayner, who runs Richmond Events, the company that organised the corporate event at which Humphrys spoke.

Rayner said that the only existing video of the speech had been given to Allan.

He accused Allan, who now runs his own PR company, of reneging on a commitment he gave to use the video "exclusively and confidentially" to confirm a remark by Humphrys about politicians that had been included in a Richmond Events brochure.

Quote:

"I'm very annoyed about the way the information was obtained from us and subsequently used,".

It seems that Rayner has referred requests to the Times that it should not reproduce it, to the paper's legal department.

In a further embarrassing revelation, it seems that Baldwin had tried to persuade the Times to "splash" the story on Saturday; in order to ensure that it made the maximum impact.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, Nanny is a vicious old witch who uses all her powers and friends to wage personal vendettas against those that she dislikes.

It is a matter of great shame to the Times that they allowed themselves to be duped in this manner.

It really makes you wonder what other lies and distortions Nanny is feeding us, via the supposedly "independent" (and I use that word with a wry smile on face) media.

Nanny Bans Bees

Nanny has many friends, sprites and elves, who are all willing to do her bidding; and impose their own views on us as to what we should/should not be doing with our lives.

It seems that the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) have taken to Nannying us in a big way.

Poor old Barclays came "a cropper" recently, in respect of one of their adverts.

The advert showed a man suffering an allergic bee sting reaction, and then falling into a river. This seemingly innocuous advert elicited complaints from a staggering 300 people (the population of Britain is 60 million, by the way).

Have you people really got nothing better to do with your lives?

Get a life you sad bastards!

As a result, ASA banned the advert on the ludicrous grounds that it offended people with allergies.

The tyranny of the minority knows no bounds when Nanny is in charge.

We Are Not Amused

I have said it before, and I will say it again, Nanny doesn't seem to have a sense of humour at all.

Nanny and her best friend Auntie, have got themselves into quite a strop over comments made by one of Auntie's presenters, John Humphrys of the Today programme.

Humphrys seemingly has committed the ultimate crime, he has made disparaging comments about Nanny and her ministers. Humphrys maintains that his comments had been part of a "good humoured, light-hearted speech" and "meant with great affection".

Humphrys was filmed making his remarks to the Communication Directors' Forum on June 8. During the Forum, Humphrys said that only politicians who lied could make it into government.

What is wrong with that?

In his speech, Humphrys said that Andrew Gilligan's report on Today alleging that Downing Street had deliberately inserted false information to "sex up" intelligence on Iraq, was true. He went on to say that:

"If we were not prepared to take on a very, very powerful government, there would be no point in the BBC existing that is ultimately what the BBC is for."

Humphrys claimed that "those who do not lie at all ever. . do not get into government" because the whips "won't go near you with a barge pole".

On relations with the Prime Minister:

"We have not been the closest of friends over the last four or five years indeed scarcely spoken to each other."

On Peter Mandelson:

"Now there is a man they, I think probably all, detest.

I said to somebody once, 'Why do you all take an instant dislike to Mandelson?' and he said, 'It saves time'."

On Gordon Brown:

"I do get to interview Gordon Brown a lot, oh joy. He is quite easily the most boring political interviewee I have ever had in my whole bloody life."

On John Prescott

"All you've got to do is say John Prescott and people laugh, it's not fair is it?

I'm sure he makes a great deal of sense but it's just that you can't understand a bloody word he says."

Nanny and Auntie are reportedly incensed about the speech, so much so that the Director General of Auntie has been asked, by Michael Grade, to prepare a full report as soon as possible.

Auntie's chums in the Labour Party also wasted no time in trying to put the boot in.

Sir Gerald Kaufman, the former Labour chairman of the Commons Culture, Media and Sport committee, said:

"I think it would be useful if Michael Grade [the BBC Chairman] and Mark Thompson [the Director-General] had a discussion with John Humphrys

and explain to him, very carefully, just what is the purpose of the BBC.

He clearly does not understand that it is to provide as objective a news service as is possible."

Tim Allan, a former aide to Mr Blair who now runs his own public relations agency, said:

"John Humphrys's peculiar brand of folksy nihilism is designed to spread cynicism about politics.

The BBC now has to decide whether it is acceptable for their main radio presenter to use his licence fee-created celebrity to earn thousands of pounds telling audiences that all ministers are liars."

Tessa Jowell, the Culture Secretary, said:

"The BBC itself is responsible for ensuring that its codes of conduct for journalists are adhered to."

Dictators throughout time have shown themselves to be lacking a sense of humour, we see no exception to the rule here.

Those of you who wish to listen to an extract of the speech should click this link John Humphrys speaks.

Hoodies R Us

Full marks to Nanny for coming up with another ingenious scheme for wasting taxpayers' money, this time on another piece of "fine art".

Nanny's chums in Angus Council have decided to spend £1500, of the local taxpayers' money, on a bronze statue of a teenage boy in a hoody and baggy trousers.

The "art" is called Nike.

The council say that the work will "force people to re-evaluate their concept of the state of youth".

I say that the council is talking bollocks.

What The Fuck Were You Thinking?

Nanny has come up with a splendidly daft idea, guaranteed to further worsen the behaviour of children.

Weavers School, in Wellingborough Northamptonshire, is to allow pupils to swear at teachers.

However, the dear little munchkins can only do it up to a maximum of 5 times.

The school will keep a running tally of how many times the f-word has been used on the board.

Won't that encourage them to try to reach their quota?

If a class goes over the limit, they will be 'spoken' to by the teacher.

Ooh scary!

Seemingly the assistant headmaster, Richard White, is under the delusion that this daft idea will improve the behaviour of pupils.

What a prat!

White said that the policy was aimed at 15 and 16-year-olds in two classes, which are considered troublesome.

"Within each lesson the teacher will initially tolerate (although not condone) the use of the f-word (or derivatives) five times and these will be tallied on the board so all students can see the running score

Over this number the class will be spoken to by the teacher."

Strangely enough parents think that this scheme is bollocks!

The school, which was criticised as 'not effective' by Ofsted inspectors last November, also plans to send 'praise postcards' to the parents of children who do not swear and who turn up on time for lessons.

Headmaster Alan Large, another prat, said he had received no complaints about the policy.

"The reality is that the fword is part of these young adults' everyday language.

As a temporary policy we are giving them a bit of leeway, but want them to think about the way they talk and how they might do better."

Evidently Mr Large has been living on the planet Zog for the last 50 years!

Nanny's PC View

Nanny has a very rigid view of the world, namely that everything that is stated by "non Nanny bodies" must conform to her rigid belief in pc.

The rules of pc are designed to ensure that no one on the planet can at any time be offended, or discriminated against, by the actions or words of another.

Now anyone with the slightest understanding/knowledge of human beings knows that this is of course an impossibility. Humans are a mass of prejudices; racial, sexual, social, political and religious. You name it, and people will either be for or against it.

We are genetically coded to mistrust those that are different, it is a self protection mechanism built into our genes thousands of years ago.

Nonetheless that does not preclude Nanny from legislating against every possible contrivance of prejudice.

An insurance firm, Lifestyle Services Group, has recently fallen foul of Nanny's pc view.

It has been ordered to withdraw a leaflet featuring four black men in a police identity parade, after Plymouth and District Racial Equality Council complained that it implied that black men are criminals.

The advertisement was promoting the firm's identity theft insurance, which aims to protect victims of stolen or forged identity documents such as a passport or driving licence.

The leaflet showed four black men in a parade, with one of the men shorter than the others and a frightened look on his face.

The text read:

"Sometimes you might wish someone had stolen your identity."

Lifestyle Services Group said it had not meant to offend anyone.

The Advertising Standards Authority concluded that by featuring black models, the mailing was seen to reinforce a stereotype that black men are criminals and therefore likely to cause serious or widespread offence.

Therefore, are we to assume that black men do not commit criminal acts?

Do we assume that if the advert featured white models, then it would have been approved? Would that then not have offended white people?

Have the ASA not seen the other "offence" in this advert, namely the implication that people of a "short stature" are not able to look after themselves?

It was not Nanny's place to interfere, the market would have decided the issue.

Had the leaflet been deemed to be offensive, then people would have stopped buying the products and Lifestyle Group would have withdrawn the leaflet of their own accord.

Had the market decided that the leaflet was not offensive, then it would not have been withdrawn.

Nanny should have kept her hooter out of this.

As Basil Fawlty once said:

"..people like you, with nothing better to do than putting your noses into other people's business and causing trouble.

Well let me tell you, that's exactly the way that Nazi Germany started!"