Confused?

Nanny has managed to get herself, and indeed myself, confused over the thorny subject of being "fat" or "obese".

It seems that the "new" thinking from one part of Nanny's brain is that if you call an "overweight" person (who determines what constitutes overweight by the way?) "fat", then he/she will be better "motivated" to lose weight.

The other side of Nanny's brain says that "fat" is a cruel word, and that "overweight" people should be called "obese" so as not to hurt their self esteem.

Bollocks!

How about not judging other people at all, and stop making them objects of hate and ridicule?

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The Lies Nanny Tells

Disclose.tv - V for Vendetta Speech Video

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me in the direction of an article in The Register about Phil Booth, No2ID National Coordinator, who has managed to elicit a very "embarrassing" confession from Nanny's Identity & Passport Service.

Some six months after he first started pestering them about positive "customer/user" comments, used by the Service in publicity material extolling the virtues of using id cards, he has come up with a rather interesting fact.

Can you guess what that is children?

Yes, that's right, eight of the nine people quoted on the website at the time either worked for the Identity and Passport Service (IPS), the Home Office or another government department or agency.

In other words, Nanny used her own minions to pretend to be "real people" to promote her much ridiculed and despised id cards.

It is also noteworthy that it took so long for these lying bastards to finally admit that they were using their own staff.

I would say, at the very least, that using staff in this manner to dupe the public can be construed as "misleading" and surely warrants a complaint to ASA?

How many other Nanny schemes are sold to us in the fraudulent manner?

Never believe what the state tells you, it is clear that the state will always lie and try to deceive.

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Nanny Bans Breaking Wind

My commiserations to the Hacker family who tried to have a picnic, away from the irritations and intrusions of life, on the Clifton Downs.

Unfortunately, they made one fatal error.

They forgot that Nanny is omnipresent.

The Hackers, more or less alone on the part of the Downs they had selected for their picnic, put up a windbreak to shelter them from the blustery conditions which would have blown their paper plates away (which of course would be construed as litter).

In the distance they observed a vehicle approaching.

Can you guess who was in that vehicle children?

Yes, that's right, council enforcement officers (can someone tell me exactly what specific law an "enforcement officer" is meant to enforce, or is it any rule he likes to make up?).

Council enforcement officers stopped their car and got out, they then ordered the Hackers to take down the windbreak.

For why?

It is deemed by Nanny to be a 'semi-permanent structure'.

Semi permanent structures are banned by the by-laws of the area, according to the enforcement officers a windbreak is a semi permanent structure.

However, the rather odd thing is that the leaflet given to the Hackers explaining the rules did not mention windbreaks (only gazebos and tents).

Could it be that the enforcement officers were making the rules up as they went along.

By the way, as soon as the windbreak had been taken down the paper plates were blown away.

When questioned by the media over this nonsense, Bristol City Council admitted that their employees had gone over the top.

Bit late now isn't it?

As usual Nanny has got away with it, and would have continued to make the rules up as she went along had the media not humiliated her.

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Booze Matters - Good For Your Joints

Good news everyone!

A study by researchers from the University of Sheffield has determined that drinking alcohol may help reduce the severity of rheumatoid arthritis, and cut the risk of developing the disease.

James Maxwell, a rheumatologist at the Rotherham Foundation NHS Trust, told AFP:

"We found that patients who had drunk alcohol most frequently had symptoms that were less severe than those who had never drunk alcohol or only drunk it infrequently"

X-rays showed less damage to joints, and blood tests showed lower levels of inflammation, according to the report, published in the journal Rheumatology.

There was also less pain, swelling and disability.

Needless to say, Nanny's anti drink lobby says that this is no excuse to go out and drink more.

Ahem...yes it is!

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New Balls Please

Oh dear, I really despair sometimes when I read what certain members of the police feel is worthy of their time and energy.

Lorretta Cole of North Baddesley has been getting a tad fed up with her neighbours' kids' cricket ball constantly landing in her garden.

One day it damaged her car, and she decided not to hand it back.

A classic neighbourhood dispute!

What happened next was not so "classic".

Mrs Cole was visited on three occasions by officers from Hampshire Police, who tried to persuade her to return it.

They warned her she could be arrested for theft, but she continued to hold on to the ball.

The result?

She was arresyed and detained for 5 hours while she was questioned and had her photograph, DNA and fingerprints taken.

Whilst I can see that, "technically", refusing to hand back the ball could be construed as "theft" and possibly also "wasting police time".

Surely questioning her for 5 hours and taking her DNA was a tad OTT?

She has now been released on bail, pending advice from the Crown Prosecution Service, and will have to return to the police station next month.

The ball has been seized by police as evidence.

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Booze Matters

My sympathies to the 10 year old pupil from Edenbridge Primary school, who was given an "exclusion order" from his school for drinking a can of shandy in the playground.

The shandy was Ben Shaw's Bitter Shandy and contains less than 0.5% alcohol, it is also perfectly legal to sell it to children.

Given this excessive reaction by the school, the hapless pupil might as well have opted to be "hung for a sheep" and drunk a bottle of 55% beer served in a dead stoat.

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LOL!

Beer brewed to a strength of 55%?

Served in a dead stoat?

How could Nanny possibly object to that?

Have it large this weekend folks!

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Don't Fall In!

Kudos to the health and safety brigade who erected (can I say "erected"?) the warning sign by the newly dug grave for my late uncle's funeral (he was 90 and died with dignity, not plugged into a machine etc etc) on Wednesday.

The sign read:

"Take care not to fall into the grave".

Having read the sign I managed to ensure that I did not fall in.

Phew, a major disaster averted thanks to the warning from Nanny!

A good few post event drinks were had, as he was Irish:)

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A Scot's Whahaay!

Congratulations to the good people of Scotland!

A report, compiled by Nielsen and published by NHS Scotland, reveals that Scottish adults drank 23.6 units of alcohol a week in 2009, the equivalent of about 12 pints.

The study looked at alcohol sales for the past five years and found that Scottish drinkers buy on average 24% more alcohol than those in the rest of Great Britain.

Well done lads, keep up the good work!

Drink all round!

Factoid: Re "Tunes of Glory" (video extract above) there is a fine drinking game that we played at university with this film. Try having a drink every time a character in the film has a drink, and see if you can get through the entire movie.

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Ker Farking Ching!

I see that Nanny, despite claiming that she wishes to simplify taxes (wrt her Orifice For Tax Simplification), is planning to increase stamp duty on homes that she deems to be energy inefficient.

Snort!

In the old days people were taxed on the number of windows they had, as glass was considered a luxury.

The solution?

They bricked them up.

Now it is the reverse, a tax on "poverty".

I understand that, at one stage, the Nanny had considered banning the sale of energy inefficient homes.

Even she realised that this would be a tad too stupid!

The new tax, which will most assuredly negatively impact the housing market, will theoretically come into force in 2012.

She must be farking mad!

Ker Farking Ching!

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Quel Surprise!

I have, for those of you with long memories, warned that Nanny's attempts to ban "legal highs" (eg Miaow Miaow) and her entire drugs policy is a recipe for disaster.

As sure as eggs are eggs, chickens and "cats" have come home to roost. The BBC report that despite being banned, Miaow Miaow is still widely available on the net.

Additionally, as predicted, The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs have said that many new legal highs have flooded the market since mephedrone (Miaow Miaow) and naphyrone were banned this year.

As soon as one compound is outlawed, another slightly different one takes its place.

Nanny's drugs policy is a shambles, and is destined to fail. Using the law to enforce certain people's views on "morality" never works in the long run.

Do remember loyal readers that our government, that continues to advocate the current drugs policy, is made up of a number of highly placed people who have used (and maybe continue to use) several illegal drugs (not "just" whacky backy).

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State Sponsored Theft

I see that David Cameron is going to launch "The Big Society", this was mooted by the Tories during the election campaign. However, the concept was never actually tested on focus groups etc to see if anyone actually understood it or indeed wanted it.

Anyhoo, disregarding what it may or may not have meant during the election, the PM will tell us today that it actually means taking money from dormant bank accounts idle for 15 years or more, and transferring that money into the "Big Society Bank" (which is being specially set up for the purpose). The Big Society Bank will in turn will allocate a portion of that money to local communities for local projects.

The PM is to claim that this is the "biggest redistribution of power from elites in Whitehall to the man and woman on the street".

Except that it isn't:

- The cash being used to fund the "Big Society" is not the "elite's", the raid on dormant accounts is in fact a form of taxation.

- The Big Society Bank will of course be controlled by the politicians, or their chosen appointees.

I wonder if the government will be able to keep their sticky little fingers off the millions that will be hoovered up by the Big Society Bank?

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Bin Brother - Don't Play With Matches

Commiserations to Kenneth Bonnard who fell foul of Chesterfiled Borough Council's Bin Police the other day.

Mr Bonnard was collecting his great-granddaughter from school and, whilst waiting, he lit his pipe.

The match he used burnt his fingers, and he dropped it.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, as if by magic a jobsworth member of the Stasi from the local council (official title "enforcement officer") appeared and asked for Mr Bonnard's name, address and date of birth. He then slapped Mr Bonnard with a £50 fine for littering.

Mr Bonnard paid up, for if he didn't he faced a £2500 fine.

A nice little earner for the council.

Ker Farking Ching!

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Road Kill

My thanks to loyal reader "Uncle John", who advised me of a story in the Telegraph about some workmen who were painting white lines on a road.

The workmen found their path blocked by a dead badger.

What did they do next?

Yes, that's right, they decided to leave a gap rather than try to remove it.

Evidently they are experts on "The Protection of Badgers Act 1992":

"Possession or control of a dead badger, any part of one, or anything derived from one is an offence under Subsection 1 (3) of the Act.

Exceptions:

Subsection 1 (4) (a) - The person shows that the badger had died of natural causes, or that it had not been killed illegally.

Subsection 1 (4) (b) - The person shows that the badger or other thing in their possession or control had been sold to them, and that they had no reason to believe at the time of the purchase that the badger had been killed illegally.

Penalty on conviction: Up to 6 months imprisonment, a fine not exceeding Level 5 (multiplied by the number of badgers involved), or both.

The court shall also order the forfeiture of of any badger or badger skin in respect of which the offence was committed, and may order the forfeiture of any weapon or article used in the commission of the offence.."

Had the workers had put it in their truck and continued to 'possess' the body to take it back to their disposal - forteiture of the vehicle!

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Beware The Ghost of Henry VIII

Kudos to Lord Judge (yes, that really is his name!), the Lord Chief Justice, who has issued a very prescient warning during his annual address to the judiciary at Mansion House on Tuesday about the "Henry VII" clauses tagged into our legal framework by the previous government.

Off topic: Having scan read some of Lord Mandy's "kiss and tell" extracts of life in government it seems that we were "governed" (if that is really the word for it) during the years of ZaNuLabour by a bunch of unstable, paranoid, bullying hysterics. Quite how they found the time, in between their personal vendettas, to make the mess of this country that they did is beyond me.

Anyhoo, Lord Judge is scathing over the widespread use of Henry VIII clauses. This is where provisions are added in to legislation that enables a Government to repeal or amend laws after they have been passed.

He said he was "astonished" to find there were 120 such clauses in one parliamentary session alone. He noted that the proposals by the coalition for the "Great Repeal Act" provided an excellent opportunity to do away with these clauses.

By the way folks did I not propose on this site, way before the election, that a Repeal Party be formed in order to rid ourselves of all the crap that ZaNuLabour had created?

Could it be that someone in our new government is actually reading this site?

Lord Judge also went on to condemn councils for their overzealous use of surveillance laws, and their ability to enter people's homes without a warrant.

Good for Lord Judge!

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Prat of The Week - Rob Rees

Congratulations to Rob Rees, chairman of the School Food Trust (who pays for this quango I wonder?), for winning this week's "Prat of The Week" Award.

Rees has earned his place in the hallowed halls of "fame" for suggesting that chocolates, crisps and sugary drinks should be banned from children's packed lunches. He wants rules tightened on what children can bring into school.

Knives, booze and drugs seemingly taking second place on the banned list to crisps and chocolates!

Doubtless he would have schools open up the kids' packed lunches, and confiscate "banned" items.

Unworkable and unreasonable.

At the end of the day it is down to the parents to decide as to what their kids should eat, not for the state to dictate.

Turning the schools into mini borstals/prison camps hardly encourages the kids to look forward to their school day, or indeed to respect their teachers.

Rob Rees, well deserving Prat of The Week!

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Nanny Bans Swimming - In Case of Water Ingestion II

I have just received this response from Stoke On Trent, re an email I only sent them an hour ago about their "swimming ban".

The speed of their response indicates they are running scared.

I suggest that the rest of you give them a push.

I also note that even if this is "only" guidance, it still fans the flames of division. They have not answered my question either.

"Dear Sir/Madam,

Re: Your Question of 13/07/2010: "Have you lost your minds re banning swimming lessons during Ramadan? "The council, by this ill informed and odious document, have done more to damage inter faith/ethnic relations in this country than any number of marches by the BNP or extreme Muslim groups. How the hell do they think this helps Muslims integrate into society by singling them out for special treatment in this way?" http://nannyknowsbest.blogspot.com/2010/07/nanny-bans-swimming-in-case-of-water.html"

Thank you for your enquiry. The answer to your question is as follows:

Thank you for your mail. The report you refer to is for guidance only to schools which has been put together with the help of the Muslim council of Great Britain. It was discussed at a recent meeting of the city councils Standing Advisory Council on Religious Education and is aimed at making teachers aware of a range of issues which could affect children during Ramadan. With thanks

As our customer, we value your feedback. Please fill in a short feedback form regarding the way your question was handled. The form should only take a minute or two to complete."

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Nanny Bans Swimming - In Case of Water Ingestion

Dear oh dear, I have read some half baked ideas presented by Nanny and her minions over the last few years but this one really takes the biscuit.

In fact, even though it is reported by the venereal (or is it venerable?) organ the BBC (Auntie), I am wondering if it is really true.

Anyhoo, according to Auntie, Nanny's chums from Stoke on Trent City Council have issued some guidance (11 pages no less) to schools over how to deal with Ramadan this year (expected to be around August/September).

One "major" issue appears to be what to do with swimming lessons for Muslim children during this period.

Nanny's dickheads in the council are of the view that because Muslims are meant to fast from dawn to dusk during Ramadan (note fasting also means no liquids), swimming lessons pose the risk of children ingesting water and thus breaking the fast.

OK...ermm...what happens if a Muslim is drowning during Ramadan?

Should they continue to drown, or do their best to save themselves even if it means swallowing some water?

It is sad and worrying to see how idiotic certain councils are when it comes to interpreting Islam from their narrow pc perspective.

Now at this point I would conjecture that were a Muslim family so concerned about their child swallowing water during Ramadan, then they would simply write a "please excuse" note during this period, and the school would use some commonsense and say "OK".

This of course is Nanny's Britain, Stoke on Trent City Council do not understand the concept of commonsense and have decreed that swimming lessons should be banned during the period of Ramadan.

The council guide states:

"Schools with a significant number of Muslim pupils should try to avoid scheduling swimming lessons during Ramadan to remove unnecessary barriers to full participation."

Yes, that's right, because of their (non Muslim) extreme interpretation of Islam they (the council) will inflict their narrow beliefs on everyone. Thus ensuring that everyone loses out.

The council also wants sex education classes stopped during the holy lunar month, as Muslim followers who have reached puberty are required to avoid sexual thoughts during this period.

The council, by this ill informed and odious document, have done more to damage inter faith/ethnic relations in this country than any number of marches by the BNP or extreme Muslim groups.

How the hell do they think this helps Muslims integrate into society by singling them out for special treatment in this way?

Please write to Stoke on Trent City Council to tell them what you think via this link enquiries@stoke.gov.uk

or via this form

or call them 01782 234567.

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BMI Is Bollocks

Congratulations to Barnsley NHS for giving Thomas Halton (a fit healthy 11 year old) a complex about his diet.

Tom is not fat and eats a well balanced diet, plus he has an active lifestyle.

However, the "fat police" from Barnsley NHS measured his weight recently and decreed that, for his age, his Body Mass Index (BMI) was a tad too high.

Here is a small factoid that makes their conclusion bollocks:

The BMI ranges they use are based on recommend BMI's according to age, the range does not properly take into account height.

Aha, can you see where the problem lies here children?

Yes, that's right Tom is 5ft 1in (slightly taller than the average 11 year old). Therefore his weight of 7st 10lb (Nanny wants him to be under 7st 7lb) is perfectly OK for someone if his height.

Perfectly OK that is unless you use the BMI chart that Barnsley NHS were using. The result was that the NHS sent his parents a letter warning that unless he changes his lifestyle (can an 11 year old actually have a "lifestyle"?) he would be at a higher risk of cancer, type-two diabetes and heart disease etc etc.

Tom was so upset by this that he is now refusing to eat.

Well done Nanny!

Sharon Stoltz, assistant director for public health in Barnsley, said that the local NHS were following a Government initiative; ie she took the "we were only following orders" approach!

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Heatwave

I am gemused to see that because the temperature has hit a "staggering" (yes, I am being ironic) 30 degrees on some met office concrete roof, Nanny has issued a load of "heatwave warnings".

Dear oh dear, how does the human race ever cope in countries where 30 degrees is considered "mild for the time of year"?

How did John Mills et al ever make it across the desert, in blistering temperatures, just for a glass of Calsberg?

I would suggest that people cool off by going for swim, but Nanny doesn't approve of that either as loyal reader Wildswimmer Pete can testify (BTW Pete, are you "wild" as in angry?;))

Given that we are not allowed to swim, I suggest the tried and trusted British method of cooling down. Drink twenty cans of ice cold lager, whilst sitting in the blazing sun with a handkerchief on your head.

Never fails!

It will rain in the next couple of days or so, make the most of the "heatwave" and have it large!



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Everyone's A Winner!

School Stickers, a provider of rewards for primary and secondary schools, surveyed 300 primary and secondary schools recently and found that approximately 200 of them engaged in the bizarre practice of rewarding all pupils on sports days (whether they won or not).

For why?

In order to ensure that nobody felt left out, and that "feelings" were not hurt.

Within the findings the survey also noted that 9% of schools wouldn't single out "winners" at all.

Through "kindness" these schools are destroying the children's chances of being able to develop into healthy, well balanced and mature adults.

Failure is character building!

I have failed many times over the years, at many things, but have picked myself up and got on with my life. Without learning how to cope with failure these children will grow into emotionally stunted adults.

Now you know one of the reasons why our national football team sucks!

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Prats of The Week - Gloucestershire County Council

Tis time once again loyal readers to award my prestigious, and internationally renowned, "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Gloucestershire county council, who have been conducting a very bizarre surveillance exercise on children's school lunch boxes.

For reasons that only would make sense to Nanny and her minions, staff from Gloucestershire county council have been secretly opening the contents of a sample of children's lunchboxes, photographing the contents, awarding marks according to nutritional value then offering parents advice on how to prepare "better" packed lunches.

Ermmm...to my simple mind this just sounds completely loony!

Anyhoo, the scheme was started six months ago and was the diseased brainchild of officials from Gloucestershire county council, NHS Gloucestershire and the local schools.

Quite barking mad to my view.

When I was a young lad my packed lunches tended to be spam or banana sandwiches, a chocolate cup cake, a packet of crisps and a thermos of soup or homemade lemonade.

Nothing untoward ever happened to me from eating this mixture, aside from the unfortunate incident when I dropped the thermos (shattering the inside) and drank the contents (pondering why my lemonade had silver bits floating in it). The doctor advised my worried mum that as I had not consumed any glass, the silver bits would come out in due course.

Health and safety warning: do not do this at home children and drink the shattered contents of a thermos.

Anyhoo, Jackie Hall, the council's cabinet member for schools, has now been made aware of this snooping (she claims that this was "news" to her) and has banned it.

Gloucestershire county council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

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Smoking

Forest advise the following:

"Brian Binley, MP for Northampton South and a supporter of the Save Our Pubs and Clubs: Amend The Smoking Ban campaign, said:

"Many pubs and clubs are finding it difficult dealing with the economic situation. The smoking ban has further impacted on many businesses and the trade is really struggling.

"I want to consider a balanced and proportionate amendment to the legislation which allows for segregated smoking rooms or areas within pubs, bars and clubs, provided that effective smoke extraction systems of an authorised standard are installed."

The EDM calls on the Coalition government to conduct a thorough review, supported by consultation with all parties and affected business sectors, of the impact the smoking ban has had on public houses and private members clubs.

It also calls for any changes to the smoking ban legislation to be made on the basis of evidence, fairness and proportionality "whilst recognising the importance of pubs and clubs to the nation's social life and community wellbeing".

I wish Brian well, but suspect that he will have a real mountain to climb on this issue. Bad legalisation, once passed, is very hard to overturn.

You can write to him here binleyb@parliament.uk

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Ker Farking Ching!

Nanny can never resist the opportunity to screw her subjects for cash, as Stephen Mayes from Gidea Park Essex found to his cost recently.

Mr Mayes brought two plants from his garden and left them in a colleague's parking space, so that she could load them into the boot of her car when she arrived at work later.

Can you guess what happened next children?

Yes, that's right, as if by magic a jobsworth from the Havering Borough council appeared.

The jobsworth then "cautioned" Mr Mayes and slapped a £100 fine for fly-tipping on him.

Mr Mayes rolled over and paid £50 in two weeks, thus "earning" a reduction in the £100 demand.

In the event Mr Mayes did not pay up, he might have been liable for a £2,500 fine; despite the fact he wrote to the council to explain what happened.

Ker farking ching!

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Cry Freedom

I see that Nick Clegg, Deputy PM, is inviting the public to nominate unnecessary laws that they would like to see repealed.

Nanny has introduced the "Your Freedom" website, which allows people to propose ways to get rid of pointless regulation and unnecessary bureaucracy and reduce state intrusion into everyday life.

This is an initiative that is worth applauding.

However, be aware of the following:

1 It will only work if ministers are sincere in their stated desire to follow what people propose. Clearly proposals to abolish certain laws will receive much opposition from various vested interests (civil servants, certain ministers, single issue groups, knobheads etc). Ministers will need to overcome that opposition.

2 Allowing the "people to voice an opinion" must not be allowed in itself to become a distraction, or a side show to the underlying mission of repealing Nanny's laws.

3 The proposals need to identify the specific law, and reason for its repeal. Simply using the site to "mouth off" will not do anyone any favours (aside from those who want to obstruct the repeal process).

4 Sadly the British public have become so "Nannyfied" that there are proposals on the site (allegedly made by members of the public) for even more laws (eg hang drug dealers, more rules on placement of signs, national service etc). How worrying is that? Coming across as unhinged will merely play into the hands of those who want to obstruct the repeal process.

Please use the site sensibly, coherently and rationally; only then will there be a chance that Nanny's laws will be repealed.

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Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to my American readers and friends.

Make sure you let off plenty of dangerous fireworks today!

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Bird Watching - The Nanny Way

Congratulations to Uncle John, you have been a warded the rare distinction of being "guest collumnist" for this very well observed piece:

"Daily Telegraph – 02-07-01 http://tinyurl.com/349o4jd

//A rare South American bird which had been living happily in the English countryside has died after the RSPCA made a bungled attempt to rescue it./ - /We recaptured it in a very controlled way and caused it the minimum amount of distress//

(Apart, that is, for the fact that it died)

The printed newspaper item includes the following verbal extrusion by ‘an RSPCA spokesman’ - all in “Quotation marks”

“We do not know what the cause of death was and we will not be holding a post mortem It could have been suffering from some sort of illness before it was rescued by us. We certainly followed all our procedures by the book”

Nanny doing a ‘Risk Assessment’ and getting it wrong? [Tick]

Nanny declining to find out what really happened? [Tick]

Nanny happy that ‘the rules’ were followed? [Tick]

RSPCA apparently believes that animals weighing 90lb (40kg)are a danger to traffic if loose on the road.

I hope they send teams to the New Forest, Wales, and the Lake District to 'cull' the ponies, sheep and cattle."

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Length Matters

It never ceases to amaze me how absurdly fussy and petty Nanny can become when the mood takes her.

Wardens in Greater Manchester have recently been ordered to target any dog owners using leads longer than 6ft 8in. In the event the length (can I say "length"?) exceeds that measure (and why is it 6ft 8in? Why not 6ft or 7ft?), the hapless owner will be fined £1K.

Ker Farking Ching!

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Risk

My thanks to Archroy who posted this comment yesterday, which deserves to be highlighted.

You couldn't make this up!

"The only time I went on a 'Risk Assessment Training Day' (with Croydon Council, Ken) the chair I was sitting on collapsed, and we couldn't get out of the room because the doorknob came off in the instructor's hand!"

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Guilty Until Proven Innocent!

HMRC's debt collection methods.

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