Auntie's Banana-free Zone

I am gemused to read that Nanny's chum Auntie has imposed a banana-free zone in the new Broadcasting House, because a member of staff has an allergy to bananas.

Posters have been put up a picture of a banana with a large cross through it.

The banana-free zone has been put in place in “specific areas of the newsroom”, where staff have been warned that unpeeling or eating the fruit at their desks could cause problems.
 

A spokesman for the BBC told the Telegraph that the ban was not imposed by the corporation, but issued by members of staff concerned for their colleague’s welfare.

Wouldn't a simple, polite verbal request along the lines of "please could you eat your banana elsewhere" be a little more appropriate, proportionate and less humiliating for the member of staff?
 

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Anti Smoking Bollocks

I see that Nanny's chums from the UK Centre for Tobacco Control Studies (can you guess what their agenda is folks?), have published "unbiased research" in the BMJ that claims that films that depict actors smoking encourage teenagers to smoke.

As a result, the zealots who conducted the research want all films that depict smoking to have an 18 certificate.

Aside from the ludicrous fact that films and TV shows such as "Peter Pan" and Thunderbirds (they were always having a fag and boozing in the TV series) would end up being made adults only, don't these sad twats realise that by "forbidding" something in this way makes it even more attractive?

Once the zealots have forbidden us watching people smoking, they will then forbid us to watch people eating fatty foods and drinking booze.

Oh, and by the way, if they are so concerned about health why the fark don't they do something about cars then?

Researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine found the chance of suffering an attack increased by 1.3% in the six hours after coming in contact with high levels of vehicle-related pollutants.

They singled out tiny particles known as PM10 and nitrogen dioxide which are both expelled by cars as the main culprits.

In fact, on the subject of pollution, what the hell is going on in Wales?

"Of possibly more worrying importance for Europe is that I saw today THREE brand new 'boxes' being installed in my local area. Green, 4 feet tall, air intake on top, exhaust vent on the back, air pump constantly pulling air through a suspiciously military looking black metal unit inside. Couldn't see all of the printing on that, but it looks like a NSN (Nato Stock Number. I'm ex-RAF and I've seen millions of them). Built hurriedly (I'm an engineer and I know the difference) with commercially available components everywhere you can see by shining a torch through the vents. Installers all very hostile to anyone asking questions. Which I did. Was pointedly told to fuck off and mind my own business.

Ok, they're quite obviously environmental monitoring stations. But designed to measure what? Fallout?..


After Fukushima, most of the governmental rad monitoring stations in North America and many parts of Europe went dead. Offline. We have no bananas. No one here guv. What's this 'radiation' thing again?

What's your local area? On what type of land are they sited? Also, did they have UHF/VHF antennae on top? A flat satcoms box? A panel for access to a display/meter? Solar panel on top, or wired to the grid, etc?...


North Wales, UK.
All on cycle paths; moderately 'off the beaten track' positions. Looks like theres a GPRS antenna inside near the top (top made of fiberglass and marked 'Morgan Marine' on one corner), also a visible 'wallwart' that looks very much like a cellphone charger plugged into a 6-pack extension strip mounted inside on the back. All 3 sited immediately next to a street light pole and wired into it (fresh asphalt strip between pole and green box on all of them).

They're not elegantly engineered at all. Look thrown together out of the cheapest commercially available parts they could get - rain guard inside mesh screen on top is simply a plastic funnel with a rubber 'condom' blanking off the top.

Look like this;

...almost exactly, but green and much cheaper construction. Really bad / hasty silicone sealant application on all exterior joints, etc..."

Any ideas anyone?

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

WankiLeaks

Well I have to say that this coalition government is certainly beginning to show its true colours.

Despite the paralysis of Heathrow, one of the world's largest airports (a vital economic hub for the UK), the government showed a "can't do/won't do" spirit and a remarkable lack of leadership wrt actually trying to resolve the problem. All it did was to send the hapless, hopeless and somnambulistic Transport Secretary to meet with the witless board of BAA.

Meanwhile another member of the government (a foolish elderly man easily flattered by the attention of two young female reporters posing as constituents) declared war on Rupert Murdoch. Should government ministers be taking their personal prejudices and vendettas into their day jobs?

The final layer of icing on this cake of folly was added by Nanny's Culture Secretary, Ed Vaizey, who has come up with an internet censorship plan to rival the great firewall of China. He want to ban porn on the net, and block it "at source".

The excuse that he uses, as indeed all Nannys use, is that the ban would "protect the children".

Funny that I thought we lived in a world designed and run for/by adults, not vice versa.

As in the days of the Lord Chancellor (who would censor scripts for "smutty" references to "bananas" etc), the problem comes with the definition of what exactly is "pornographic" (ankles, boobs, feet??? All of these are capable of arousing some people but not others).

The reality would be that, even if it were feasible to block porn (experts contend a firewall such as China's would have to be constructed) other non porn sites would also be blocked (and most certainly would be tempting Nanny to block them).

However, I dare say that in the fullness of time a site would arise (WankiLeaks) that would enable people to jump over the wall to look at all the porn they needed.

Do not be too relaxed about this, as noted above the coalition has been showing its true colours recently; governments that lack leadership, declare private wars on sections of the media they don't like and who try to censor the net are not to be trusted.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Prats of The Week - Gloucestershire County Council

Tis time once again loyal readers to award my prestigious, and internationally renowned, "Prats of The Week" Award.

This week it goes to Gloucestershire county council, who have been conducting a very bizarre surveillance exercise on children's school lunch boxes.

For reasons that only would make sense to Nanny and her minions, staff from Gloucestershire county council have been secretly opening the contents of a sample of children's lunchboxes, photographing the contents, awarding marks according to nutritional value then offering parents advice on how to prepare "better" packed lunches.

Ermmm...to my simple mind this just sounds completely loony!

Anyhoo, the scheme was started six months ago and was the diseased brainchild of officials from Gloucestershire county council, NHS Gloucestershire and the local schools.

Quite barking mad to my view.

When I was a young lad my packed lunches tended to be spam or banana sandwiches, a chocolate cup cake, a packet of crisps and a thermos of soup or homemade lemonade.

Nothing untoward ever happened to me from eating this mixture, aside from the unfortunate incident when I dropped the thermos (shattering the inside) and drank the contents (pondering why my lemonade had silver bits floating in it). The doctor advised my worried mum that as I had not consumed any glass, the silver bits would come out in due course.

Health and safety warning: do not do this at home children and drink the shattered contents of a thermos.

Anyhoo, Jackie Hall, the council's cabinet member for schools, has now been made aware of this snooping (she claims that this was "news" to her) and has banned it.

Gloucestershire county council, well deserving Prats of The Week!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Visit Oh So Swedish Swedish arts and handicrafts

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Twatter Of The Year

Congratulations to Stuart MacLennan, the erstwhile Labour candidate for Moray, who has been disbarred by Labour from standing as their candidate, owing to some tweets that he posted on Twitter.

He posted such gems as:

-Describing the elderly as "coffin dodgers"

-Describing John Bercow a "twat"

-Describing Nick Clegg a "bastard" and Dianne Abbot, a "fucking" idiot.

-"God this fair-trade, organic banana is shit. Can I have a slave grown, chemically enhanced, genetically modified one please?"

-"Made my connecting train. No first class it would appear. Sitting opposite the ugliest old boot I've ever seen too".

-In another tweet he indicated that he spent most of his time on the campaign trail drunk.

The official line from the Labour bunker is that these were rather old tweets, and that they were not aware of them at the time.

The reality is that some of the tweets were not that old, and that certain high ranking Labour people (eg Ed Balls, John Prescott and Andy Burnham) had signed up as "followers" of MacLennan.

I see that MacLennan is student of my old university Edinburgh.

Well I have to say he has been a Twatter, that's for sure. However, the Labour party have been larger Twatters for not seeing how this would end when they selected him for the seat and for then claiming that they didn't know anything about it.

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

Big Brother - Spies R Us

Nanny's trolls in Waltham Forest Council have come up with a terrific wheeze to keep their citizens in order.

They are offering to pay people up to £500 to spy on their neighbours.

Taxpayers' cash will be dolled out for reports about dog shit, litter, graffiti etc.

- A court summons will net the spy £100.

- A conviction earns £150.

- If the offender gets a maximum sentence, the spy receives £500.

Top banana!

This scheme does of course set neighbour against neighbour, and will turn us into a police state.

Who gives a fark tho?

£500 is £500, and surely it is worth paying the price of our freedom if it means less litter on the street?

NB, I am being ironic!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with booze. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

The Organ Grinder's Monkey

In the good old days, long before I graced this planet with my presence, you could not walk down a street in Britain without bumping into a man grinding his organ whilst a monkey gayly (spelling? should it be gayley?) played atop it.

Ah yes, halcyon days!

Sadly, in Nanny's Britain, public organ grinding (the technical term for playing with one's organ) is somewhat frowned upon.

Paddy Cooke discovered this to his cost recently, when he attempted a bit of organ grinding in Ripley recently with his ape "Simon".

Ripley Town Council have banned Mr Cooke from public grinding until a risk assessment is carried out (pass the sick bag someone!).

For your information, Ripley also banned a Punch and Judy show because they worried about the dangers it presented to the public!

What are these people smoking?

Anyhoo, Mr Cooke's act is harmless enough (to those of us who live in the real world); he wears Victorian costume as he walks around playing his organ, a replica of an instrument used more than 150 years ago.

Interestingly Ripley Council claim that they are only acting "under orders", as the requirement for a risk assessment (applicable to clowns, brass bands and the Salvation Army) comes down from Amber Valley Borough Council.

So that's alright then!

By the way, I guess some of you may be thinking that maybe the monkey could escape and bite someone, or that the act may be cruel to the monkey.

At this stage I must point out one wee extra piece of information, "Simon" is in fact an animatronic monkey (it ain't alive!).

Mr Cooke (who has been grinding his organ for 15 years, and has two sons who also grind their organs) expresses it rather wryly:

"It's not as if I have a live monkey which might jump at people.

Mine is a battery-operated interactive toy and the best I have ever had.

He says things like 'I want a banana' and even once offered to tell me the sum of pi squared."

Simon is sometimes quiet and sometimes chatty. He's very realistic but is no danger to anyone.

I suppose someone might trip over a paving slab when listening to the music and blame me but I have been doing this for years without a problem."

Madness!

Ho hum, it looks as though I will have to continue to grind my organ in the privacy of my own home then!

Visit The Orifice of Government Commerce and buy a collector's item.

Visit The Joy of Lard and indulge your lard fantasies.

Show your contempt for Nanny by buying a T shirt or thong from Nanny's Store.

www.nannyknowsbest.com is brought to you by www.kenfrost.com "The Living Brand"

Celebrate the joy of living with champagne. Click and drink!

Why not really indulge yourself, by doing all the things that Nanny really hates? Click on the relevant link to indulge yourselves; Food, Bonking, Toys, Gifts and Flowers, Groceries

The Lunchbox Inspectors

Oh dear, is there nothing that Nanny and her trolls won't poke their noses into?

Now it seems that dinner ladies could soon be used to monitor school lunchboxes, in order to ensure that children are eating healthy meals.

Under Nanny's "obesity strategy" (give me strength!), there are plans to force all schools to implement a "healthy lunchbox policy".

Good grief!

Seemingly parents may even be asked to sign a form agreeing to ban unhealthy foods from their children's lunches.

Nanny has also called on heads to stop children from leaving schoolgrounds during lunchtimes.

Well, I realise that schools are not places that any child wants to be in, but really....do we have to make them prison camps???

When I was a "nipper" my mum would make me a nice lunchbox containing a myriad of delights, eg:

-a thermos of soup
-a banana sandwich
-homemade crisps (with added salt and grated cheese)
-a chocolate cup cake, or Jaffa cakes

Nanny wouldn't have approved of much of that.

Even the soup was risky, one day I dropped the thermos and the vacuum glass interior broke. Being a thickheaded child I happily drank the contents anyway, wondering why there were silver bits in the soup.

When I came back home I told my mum about this, and she promptly rushed me off to the doctor.

"Don't worry Mrs Frost, they don't use mercury now and whatever he swallowed will come out later."

Look at me now...perfectly healthy, and fully functional!

As Margaret Morrissey, of the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations, said:

"We don't need politicians to tell us what to put in our lunchboxes."

Quite!

Once Nanny has implemented this policy it will dawn on her that the kids' diet is dictated, in the main, by what they eat at home.

Next step, Nanny will be inspecting people's dining tables (yes, I know people don't use tables anymore!).

The Dangers of Fruit

Nanny's health and safety Gestapo have struck again.

This time the Gestapo have raided the hotel health club that I use. To save the embarrassment, for the moment, of the good people of the hotel in which the club is housed I will not give away their name. They run a good hotel, aside from this aberration, and have always looked after myself, family and friends very well.

Anyhoo, let me tell you what has happened.

The club has been in existence for a good few years now, and aside from the five years that I lived in Sweden I have been a member since around 1994. During this time there has always been a bowl of fresh fruit, in the reception area of the club, for consumption/scoffing by the members and hotel guests.

Can you guess what happened?

Yes, that's right, the health and safety Gestapo have decreed that the fruit presents a health and safety risk. Therefore it has been banned.

As far as I am aware, there have yet to be any fatalities in the club arising from the consumption of a contaminated piece of fruit. Maybe they are worried about a spot of polonium getting mixed up with it...who knows?

I would suggest that, at a pinch, apples and pears could be contaminated by dirty hands. However, bananas and oranges are safe; as no matter how dirty the skin, or the hands that touch the skin, no one will be eating the skin on these.

I would also ask how is it that supermarkets, farmers' markets and the French have managed to sell fruit (that is poked and prodded by dirty little hands) for countless years without a mass outbreak of corpses littering the street?

Suffice to say, I am not particularly hopeful about the prospects of the traditional mince pies and wine being laid out on the reception desk this Christmas (as has been the case each Christmas since I have been a member).

All very silly, and very unnecessary. I have sent the hotel a copy of this, and will let you know if they rethink this daft policy.

Nanny's Inactive Banana

Nanny is a strict mistress, when it comes to the discipline of her underlings. She believes that they should devote 100% of their mental energies to their work, without any form of distraction.

Therefore Nanny's chums in HM Revenue & Customs management, in North Wales, have introduced a regime that includes a ban on family snaps on the workstations of their processing staff. The ban also extends to food veto, with workers restricted to one cup, a pen and a pencil.

Mark Serwotka, general secretary of the Public and Commercial Services Union, said:

"This brave new world is not only de-skilling

hard-working staff but dehumanising them.

It's ridiculous that this group of

'plan to improve service' workers

is being banned from having things

such as a photo of a loved one on their desk."

Mr Serwotka has hit the nail on the head, Nanny believes that the best form of control can be achieved via dehumanisation.

A memo, sent to Nanny's staff in Wrexham and Rhyl, lists essentials and those items that are forbidden for workstations:

"Essential: a computer, document holder, calculator, pens, desk and chair.

Non-essential: personal papers, memorabilia, packed lunches, personal shopping, handbags or money".

One hapless employee had a banana on his desk, and was asked whether it was active or inactive. Once the banana was identified as being inactive, the worker was told to move it or eat it.

What utter bollocks!

I wonder which consultancy company is growing fat on the profits made from selling this load of old tosh to Nanny?

Tuck Off!

Nanny's hatred of individual liberty and freedom knows no bounds, as Ryan Staples found to his cost the other week.

Ryan, who is only 10 years old, was in the habit of taking a packed lunch to his school (Lunsford primary in Larkfield). At least he was, until the school's Gestapo intercepted his lunch box.

Ryan's crime?

The lunch box broke Nanny's rules on what we are allowed to eat.

The result?

Ryan has been banned from eating with the rest of his mates in the school dining room, until he learns to bow his head to Nanny's superior wisdom, and until he brings only "allowed" food in his lunch box.

Whilst he weighs up the pros and cons of bending to Nanny's authoritarian rules, he has to eat alone in the headmaster's office. That really is cruel and nasty.

How pathetic is this?

Child abuse wouldn't you say?

By the way, in case you are wondering what was so evil about the food within his lunchbox (drugs maybe?), it contained two snacks, instead of one.

Specifically Ryan's lunch consisted of a sandwich, fruit, fromage frais, cake, mini cheese biscuits and a bottle of water. The cake and the biscuits broke the snack limit.

They were "discovered" when a teacher checked his lunch box.

Why the hell are teachers inspecting lunch boxes?

That is an invasion of privacy, all the more so because Ryan is not old enough to fight back.

Malcolm Goddard, the headmaster, said:

"We take healthy eating very seriously and everyone is aware of our new policies."

Breathtaking arrogance!

As a child I took a lunchbox to school, it contained all manner of weird and wonderful oddities; banana sandwiches, chocolate cup cakes, hot soup, home made crisps etc.

The teachers never ever tried to inspect the food, or interfere with what we ate (they were down the pub). I am now 44, and in good shape (oh yes:)).

Nanny quite clearly intends to break the will and spirit of every citizen in Britain, she starts with the children so as to make her task easier.

Nanny Is Mother, Nanny Is Father

The key to any "successful" authoritarian dictatorship is to ensure that the state is involved in every aspect of people's lives.

Sometimes the state will legislate, by force, its involvement; eg banning smoking, health and safety reviews and ethnic quotas etc.

In other areas the state will try to "ingratiate" itself, by first of all undermining people's self confidence and dignity. Once the fundamental bedrock of people's independence has been undermined, Nanny can push her way in and start to lecture us about how we should be living our lives. This makes us reliant on her, and as such gives her the whip hand over us.

One of Nanny's experts in the Machiavellian art of confidence erosion is Nanny's best chum Caroline Flint, so called Minister for Fitness. Ms Flint has issued an edict saying that overweight people should be given lessons in how to eat fruit and vegetables.

Call me old fashioned...

"Ken you're old fashioned!"

...but I thought the principle of eating fruit and veg was easy; you open your mouth, put the fruit/vegetable in your mouth and start to chew.

You know how to chew, don't you?

Anyhoo, in Ms Flint's world, too many Britons are refusing to eat fresh produce because they see it as "scary food."

The reason that some people find it "scary" is that when they were children, they were not forced to eat what was put in front of them; ie they were spoiled and indulged by lazy parents.

Ms Flint wants supermarkets to provide instore demonstrations on how "healthier" food, eg apples and bananas, should be prepared and eaten.

Ms Flint, referred to a seminar where a parent apparently referred to some food as being scary:

"What she was talking about was vegetables she had never seen in her life before.

Here's a fruit you have never seen before.

What do you do with it?

Do you peel it?

Do you boil it?

Do you chop it?".

Ms Flint said the solution was to provide cookery lessons in major stores.

She added:

"If people are calling some of the healthier foods 'scary food'

because they are not sure how to prepare or cook them

it doesn't matter how many times I bang out a leaflet

saying eat this - it is not going to happen."

Three points to the above:

1 It's not the state's role to tell people what to eat.

2 People resent being told by the state what to eat, and will rebel.

3 It is the role of parents to educate their children as to what to eat.

Let the responsibility and consequences of lazy parenting rest with the parents, not with the state. The more that state interferes, the more lazy parents will become and as a result the more reliant society becomes on the state.

Ms Flint also admitted that another problem that Nanny faces is that some people simply don't consider themselves to be obese...well that's their right isn't it?

That observation is as facile as if she were to say that some people don't consider themselves to be ugly, when in fact they are (to some others)...totally subjective.

Quote:

"We have to do it in a way not to stigmatise people.

One of the things you have to think about is sometimes

overweight parents do not recognise their children as being overweight.

If they compare themselves with people who are considerably larger than themselves

they think, 'That's not me I don't have a problem'."

In other words, Nanny will now be upping the volume on her "you are a fat bastard" campaign.

Once everyone feels inadequate, and has had their self confidence undermined, Nanny will "come to the rescue" and make us all dependent on her.

Nanny Bans Fruit Trees

Summer is upon us, and with it comes the perennial danger of fruit laden trees.

You know how dangerous fruit is, don't you?

Nanny does.

Trees are prone to drop their fruit upon the ground, and thus present a serious slip hazard.

I myself slipped on a banana skin the other day.

I kid you not!

I am in two minds as to whether I should sue Croydon council, for allowing me to be placed in such a risky situation; by not ensuring that the banana skin had been removed before I set my majestic feet upon the pavement, or just shrug it off as part of life.

Anyhoo, I digress.

Nanny's chums in Havering council have got themselves into a right old tiz about their crab apple trees.

It appears that the fallen crab apples presnt a slip hazard for the good people of that borough. The fact that no one has ever raised a complaint before about these crab apples, matters not a jot to Nanny.

Nanny has a solution, she will cut down the trees in order to eliminate the risk.

They will be replaced, at a cost of £150K, by non risk species of trees.

No wonder council tax bills are for ever rising, the people who are entrusted with the budgets are morons.

Nanny's Fruit Phobia

Nanny is very worried about security matters these days; she spends many a sleepless night, tossing and turning in her bed, thinking through the "worst case scenarios" that may befall her and her "charges".

In view of the many "perceived threats" to her person, she has been trying to institute a number of safeguards eg; control orders, id cards, ASBO's and the like.

However, things have been really getting Nanny down recently; inevitably this has had an effect on her "risk awareness matrix".

She has now developed a genuine, and pathological fear, of fruit.

As such, the mere sight of a banana or apple will send her rushing for cover under the table.

As for cumquats, well don't even get me started on what they do to her.

Anyhoo, Nanny has decided that fruit is now persona no grata in her presence.

The new anti fruit ruling was implemented at Nanny's party conference in Wales this weekend. Security forces were under strict orders to prevent fruit being brought into the conference hall.

However, some did try to bring some in. The BBC have reported that at least three apples and one banana were detained at the entrance to the hall.

I kid you not!