Hanging On The Telephone

I am pleased to see that our "respected" councils take care not to be too wasteful with our council tax.

Ermmm..actually they don't!

According to a recent Freedom of Information request made to 120 town halls, councils are spending hundreds of thousands of our hard earned council taxes on royalty payments for the right to play pop tunes as "hold music" for those waiting to get through to the council on the phone.

The Mail recently reported that 12 councils, that use pop music, spent £300,000 over the past three years. Doncaster Council admitted spending about £1,000 a year on hold music.

Mayor Ros Jones said:

"We have only just started using more varied and up-to-date music for customers to listen to when on hold or waiting for a response on the phone. 'This has been done to respond to feedback from customers. We regularly use feedback to improve the experience of our customers while ensuring a value-for-money approach."

Why not simply tell the "customers" where they are in the queue?

That's surely royalty free is it not?


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Nanny Bans Billy The Trumpet

My thanks to a loyal reader who has pointed out that Nanny's chums from Nottinghamshire have banned the Barmy Army trumpeter, Billy Cooper, from the first Investec Test at Trent Bridge.

The England side are appealing for a relaxation of the ban, as they consider him "the unspoken 12th man."

Nottinghamshire justify the ban on the basis of their blanket ban on musical instruments, which is stated on match tickets and, that being so, they could face requests for refunds from supporters who object to Cooper's playlist. 

However, espncricinfo note that the ECB is thought to have some sympathy with Cooper's commitment to England's cause and respect for his professional playing ability.

One compromise suggested is that Billy The Trumpet plays from the balcony of the Trent Bridge Inn behind the ground, something which Nottinghamshire could not control, or even an official guest spot during an interval. 

Views ladies and gentlemen?

 

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Nanny Bans National Anthem

Nanny really doesn't like to see people enjoy themselves, and if that enjoyment comes from something that is deemed to be patriotic she does all in her power to put a stop to it. My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed me to a story in the Yorkshire Post that highlights this rather well.

Scarborough Rugby Club has fallen foul of Nanny's chums from the local council, which decreed that the club cannot play the national anthem through loudspeakers at the opening of next week's match between England Colleges and the Irish Exiles.

For why?

The council claims that there are rules that ban the playing of amplified music.

Those of you with some rudimentary knowledge of the national anthem know that the version played before sporting fixtures etc lasts but 60 seconds. Therefore how much noise pollution can this really create?

The ban is of course complete bollocks, and the club will if necessary hire a live band to play it instead. I would guess that the noise level will be on a par with the amplified system.

The council is truly run by a bunch of knobheads!

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Nanny Bans Kids at Christmas

'Tis the season to be jolly, unless that is you are Nanny!

My thanks to a loyal reader who pointed out that Nanny's chums from Eldwick Primary School in Bingley has banned children from watching the school's festive concerts.

For why?

Because they might be too noisy, and disrupt the performance of their siblings on stage.

The school has decreed that parents can come to their school Christmas concert being held at the local church, but that they must not bring any other children.

What the fark?

Kids are, by definition, noisy and disruptive. However, this is a primary school concert not the Berlin Philharmonic being conducted by the late Herbert von Karajan!

The kids surely should be allowed to watch their chums/siblings on stage?

Given the ongoing hysteria over adults' relationships with kids I am surprised that adults are allowed in to watch the concert at all.

Nanny loosen up and get a life!

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Nanny Bans 4am

My thanks to uber loyal reader Tonk, who pointed me towards a wonderful example of Prattery from Nanny's minions from the licensing department of Spelthorne Borough Council.

Get Wokingham reports that licensing officers "stormed" The Feathers (a village pub in Laleham Broadway).

For why?

The council were very worried that music would be played until at least 4am (without the requisite licence).

How did they come to this conclusion?

A gig had been booked, and advertised, featuring a band called "4am".

Hence the advert read:

- "Music From 4am"

Aha!

Suffice to say, the council were apprised of their mistake!

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Nanny Cameron Bans Beyonce

Dear oh dear, the Tory Party appears to be regressing to the 1950's in its Canute like reaction to "raunchy" pop videos; as it has had an attack of the "Samantha Bricks" (ie it has completely lost touch with reality).

Nanny Cameron, instead of focusing on issues that really matter (eg wars in the Middle East, austerity, care for the elderly, the Motorman Blue Book) has decided to focus his energies on banning "raunchy" pop videos.

Nanny Cameron has decreed that people under  the age of 18 should not watch scantily clad attractive people gyrate in suggestive manners on videos. He wants the videos classified (in the same manner as films), and for sites that host them to bar under 18's from watching them.

May I ask Nanny Cameron, have you ever watched one of these videos, or is this rather like the pasty that you never really ate?

Factoid: children/teenagers getting sweaty and excited over "raunch" is nothing new, and not a threat to society (whatever the state might try to tell us).

Children/teenagers/adults being subjected to a daily bombardment of violence in soaps and on the TV news is likely to be far more damaging.

I appreciate that Nanny has had a self inflicted lousy few weeks; what with  the "Granny Tax", Pastygate, private dinners, government surveillance etc etc. However, using this as an attempt to divert people's attention from these and other issues is absolutely pathetic and indicates that Nanny has completely lost touch with reality. 

For fark's sake Tories get your act together!

Oh, and for good measure, I see that another person who has never lived in the real world (namely the Duchess of Cornwall) has also decreed that raunchy videos (which she has never watched) are bad for us!

Censorship is Nanny's favourite weapon!

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The Dangers of Folding Chairs

Oh dear, it seems that the party animals attending the Isle of Wight Festival have been banned by Nanny from doing one of the things that they love most.

No, not that!

I mean that Nanny has banned them from bringing folding chairs onto the site. Festival goers were told to leave their seats at the entrance to the site at Seaclose Park in Newport.

For why?

Health and Safety (and for a better customer experience)!

Sounds like a load of old bollocks to me.

Now here's the funny thing, festival goers have been banned from BRINGING folding chairs. However, according to reports, it seems that festival goers were still allowed to buy chairs within the festival site.

Funny that, isn't it?

Ker Farking Ching!

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The Dead Hand of Bureaucracy

Here is a little story highlighting Nanny's "bloody mindedness", that relates to the recently passed New Year's eve.

Newquay as many a teenager knows is "party central", and indeed the local economy is propped up by the surf and booze environment encouraged by the local council.

Anyhoo, come New year's eve people were expecting a wee drinky or two.

Not so fast me hearties!

Newquay's Central Square suffered from a lack lustre atmosphere, as a result of police telling the Central Inn not to not play music outside the premises.

Now, as we know from previous articles on this site, Nanny does not authorise bars, shops, garages etc to play music (even turning on the radio) unless they pay (Ker Farking Ching) a fee for a licence.

Anyhoo, bar managers were only told a few days before the piss up that they would have to get a temporary event licence to play music outside or lose their licence if music was heard.

Ker farking ching!

Needless to say, as I am sure the police were well aware, the bureaucracy involved required that they give notice considerably earlier than they did if the bar managers could have a chance to obtain the licence.

Nanny will use every trick in the book in order to ensure we don't enjoy ourselves.

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Whistle While You Work!

Dear oh dear, what a penny pinching bunch of old miseries the Performing Right Society are!

Sandra Burt, who works at the A & T Food Store in Clackmannan, found this to her cost recently when the music police banned her from singing behind the counter of the shop.

For why?

Cos she didn't have a licence to "perform".

A "mere" £80 to you guv!

Ker-Farking-Ching!

Why was she singing?

Cos the PRS threatened the shop owner with a fine if he didn't buy a licence for playing his radio to his customers, so he turned it off.

Gareth Kelly, music sales advisor for PRS, said:

"Using any copyright material in your store, without paying for it, is illegal.

It doesn't matter whether you're singing a Robbie Williams track, or listening to a Robbie Williams track, you still have to pay for it.

She could be fined for not having a live performance licence, and if the fine isn't paid, then she could potentially be taken to court."

The PRS said that Mrs Burt could be judged to be giving daily performances, which would require individual daily licences, taking the annual cost up to "four figures".

Good grief, what sad miserable country we have become!

Has no one in PRS ever heard the word "commonsense"?

Finally, after some hoo hah in the media, the PRS has now learned the word "commonsense" and has backed down and sent her some flowers with a grovelling note of apology.

"We're very sorry we made a big mistake.

We hear you have a lovely singing voice and we wish you good luck."

All very well, but it should never have tried it on in the first place.

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Horsing Around

I have to admit even I, a man who has been writing about Nanny's daftness for a few years now, took an second look at this when I read it just to make sure I had not misread it.

Nanny and her chums in local councils have a nice little earner going for themselves wrt licences for playing music in public. These licences are required for all manner of public performances, ranging from full blown orchestras to pub sing alongs etc. However, Rosemary Greenway found out to her cost that it also applied to her.

For why?

She has been playing passages of opera and orchestral symphonies on the radio to her horses at the Malthouse Equestrian Centre in Bushton for more than 20 years, to help soothe them.

Can you guess what happened next dear readers?

Yes, that's right, Nanny in the guise of the Performing Right Society insists that she applies for (and of course pay for) a licence.

For why?

Because her stables employs more than two people it is treated in the same way as shops, bars and cafés.

Completely potty!

Anyhoo, rather than pay the fee she now leaves the radio off except on Sundays when she is alone.

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Nanny Bans Music

Errmmm...you know Nanny's rather pedantic rule about needing a licence to perform music in a public place?

You know how usually rather over zealous councils et al apply this to pub singers, carol singers and other assorted performers?

Well here is an application of the rule that has even me (a man of supreme zen like calmness and inner peace - what did I drink last night?) gobsmacked.

In fact, never has my gob ever been more smacked!

Prepare too to be gobsmacked.

Len Attwood is a mechanic from Witham Essex, he repairs cars. Mr Attwood now faces a £2K fine, from the Performing Rights Society, if customers drive into his garage with their car radios on.

Pardon!!!

What??? I hear you ejaculate (I too ejaculated at that point!).

For why does he face a fine?

Cos he does not have a licence to listen to music.

Well fark me rigid!

Mr Attwood was contacted by the Performance Rights Society, who told him that he would need a licence to play music.

He said:

"They phoned up and said, 'do you have any form of music entertainment on the premises?'

I said customers bring their vehicles in with their radios on and while we are working on them the radio is playing. But other than that no.

The woman said she would get back to me. She came back with her supervisor who said I would have to turn the car radios off but I said we didn't like to tamper with the customers' settings.

She said, 'in that case, you will have to tell them to turn them off before they come in.

I just think it's ridiculous."

The Performance Rights Society spokesman said:

"If there is an intent to use music in a workplace to either enhance the working environment or provide music for customers then it is only right that music creators receive royalties and a licence must be obtained.

We realise there may be unique circumstances where the control of whether music is played - such as radios left on in cars that are activated when the car is started - is not in the hands of the business owner, and therefore may not require a licence.

We always try and be fair and use common sense in licensing decisions, whilst ensuring that when music is used commercially in business the correct licence is obtained."

In Nanny's Britain common sense went out the window yonks ago!

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The Organ Grinder's Monkey

In the good old days, long before I graced this planet with my presence, you could not walk down a street in Britain without bumping into a man grinding his organ whilst a monkey gayly (spelling? should it be gayley?) played atop it.

Ah yes, halcyon days!

Sadly, in Nanny's Britain, public organ grinding (the technical term for playing with one's organ) is somewhat frowned upon.

Paddy Cooke discovered this to his cost recently, when he attempted a bit of organ grinding in Ripley recently with his ape "Simon".

Ripley Town Council have banned Mr Cooke from public grinding until a risk assessment is carried out (pass the sick bag someone!).

For your information, Ripley also banned a Punch and Judy show because they worried about the dangers it presented to the public!

What are these people smoking?

Anyhoo, Mr Cooke's act is harmless enough (to those of us who live in the real world); he wears Victorian costume as he walks around playing his organ, a replica of an instrument used more than 150 years ago.

Interestingly Ripley Council claim that they are only acting "under orders", as the requirement for a risk assessment (applicable to clowns, brass bands and the Salvation Army) comes down from Amber Valley Borough Council.

So that's alright then!

By the way, I guess some of you may be thinking that maybe the monkey could escape and bite someone, or that the act may be cruel to the monkey.

At this stage I must point out one wee extra piece of information, "Simon" is in fact an animatronic monkey (it ain't alive!).

Mr Cooke (who has been grinding his organ for 15 years, and has two sons who also grind their organs) expresses it rather wryly:

"It's not as if I have a live monkey which might jump at people.

Mine is a battery-operated interactive toy and the best I have ever had.

He says things like 'I want a banana' and even once offered to tell me the sum of pi squared."

Simon is sometimes quiet and sometimes chatty. He's very realistic but is no danger to anyone.

I suppose someone might trip over a paving slab when listening to the music and blame me but I have been doing this for years without a problem."

Madness!

Ho hum, it looks as though I will have to continue to grind my organ in the privacy of my own home then!

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The Health and Safety Gestapo Strike Again II

I received this missive from Nanny's chums in Liverpool City (Capital of Culture) Council yesterday, in response to my article about them banning the Mathew Street Festival.

Needless to say, on reading it, it is evident that this is a pro forma "excuse" note sent out to anyone who writes in complaining about the cancellation.

It is clear that the council are not even bothering to read the complaints being sent in.

I reproduce it in full below, and draw your attention to Nanny's favourite phrase "eliminate risk".

For the umpteenth time, you can no more eliminate risk than you can teach a dog to walk permanently erect (can I say erect?).

Nanny is kidding herself and her minions when she spouts this bullshit.

"I am writing with regard to your recent enquiry expressing your concerns regarding the cancellation of this year's Mathew Street Festival.

We are also very frustrated and disappointed that the decision had to be made to cancel this year’s festival but it was taken following extensive consultation with interested parties and advice from one of the country’s leading Events Health and Safety specialists.

The popularity of the festival and increasing crowds in recent years meant that with the loss of the Pier Head as a performance space and the other regeneration activities within the City, the risks posed to Health and Safety by staging the event in the streets were significant and ultimately unavoidable.

Despite the change in the space available for the festival we were determined to find a way to run the festival within the City Centre and had identified locations for seven stages to accommodate the expected crowds. We worked hard to eliminate safety risks associated with the location of these stages but in the end the independent review still recommended that we should not go ahead. In the face of this expert advice there was no other option open to us than to cancel. It would have been irresponsible in the extreme for us to have ignored this advice. The reason for the lateness of the decision was that we remained determined to find a way to run the festival until we received the expert advice.

Yours sincerely,

Chris Green

Operations Director

Liverpool Capital of Culture"

The Health and Safety Gestapo Strike Again

Oh dear, Nanny's dreaded health and safety Gestapo have struck again. This time they have chosen to put their unwanted and unwelcome noses and boots into the good people of Liverpool's attempt to have a bit of a street party.

The furore surrounds The Mathew Street Festival organised on a regular basis by the Beatles old haunt, the Cavern.

Note, someone seems to have pulled the plug on the main part of the site?

The Mathew Street Festival, by last year, had become "Europe's biggest street party"; and was attracting 100,000 people, with big name acts on outdoor stages.

Needless to say such activities are frowned upon by Nanny's chums in the council, the police and the health and safety Gestapo.

-Crowds
-Live music
-Fresh air etc

are all an anathema to Nanny and her trolls.

Therefore it should some as no surprise to learn that Nanny banned the event, at the eleventh hour, citing that hoary (can I say hoary?) old chestnut "health and safety".

Liverpool City Council are claiming that the decision to pull the plug follows independent advice from health and safety consultants, Capita Symonds, employed by the Liverpool Culture Co.

Seemingly the scale of the current redevelopment work in Liverpool, poses a threat to people's safety at such an event.

Building work, in Liverpool?

Have they never had construction work there before?

Needless to say, Nanny's finest in the shape of Merseyside Police are also in favour of banning it. They claim that the reduction in capacity, huge crowds in an open, licensed environment, means there is a significant safety risk to the public.

It would seem that, according to Nanny, the planning for the event, and discussions between the city council, police and safety officials, cannot fully eliminate the risk.

Errmmmm...can we get this point clear?

You can never eliminate risk, you can only manage/reduce it.

It is time that these prats stopped fantasising about eliminating risk, and got themselves a heavy does of reality.

The council said:

"Staff worked right to the 11th hour to try

and produce a workable plan which could

accommodate the festival in the city centre."

Given that the festival was scheduled for the 26th and 27th of this month, a cynic might ask why the hell have they only just come up with the banning order?

It's not as though the redevelopment work was not known about earlier!

Indeed, it seems that only yesterday a tender document went out for pa and lighting companies to tender for the festival.

It seems to me that the council and police were looking around for an excuse to ban the festival and knew that if they left it ot the last minute, the furore could be "managed away" and would not have a chance to build up.

A spokesman from Liverpool City Council was on the BBC this morning, bleating away that there would be an "internal" inquiry into why the decision to ban it was so late in the day.

The only trouble is, that the internal inquiry will be conducted by the self same council that took the lame decision in the first place.

Any bets as to the value of the findings?

How stupid do they really think people are?

Another fine example of local councils getting above themselves and inflicting their unwanted views and rules on the people that, in theory, they work for.

Abolish local councils, they add no value whatsoever!

Here are a few useful emails addresses, urls etc

-Liverpool City Council
-LCC statement
-Contact Capita Symonds

Nanny Bans Music II

Following several requests, here is the 1812 Overture.

Enjoy at full volume!

Nanny Bans Music

How does that old expression go?

"Music soothes the savage beast..."

or something like that.

Anyhoo, whilst music may sooth the savage beast it does not sooth Nanny. In fact she is so annoyed by music, that she is seeking to have it played more quietly.

Our old friends in Nanny's Health and Safety department have decided that music is way too dangerous, and are seeking to implement certain health and safety rules.

Whenever I hear the phrase "health and safety" I instinctively reach for the sick bag.

I digress, Nanny has decided to tell orchestras to stop playing too many noisy pieces in a performance. The Control of Noise at Work regulations came into force last year, and cap daily or weekly average exposure to 85 decibels.

The music and entertainment industry was given two more years to implement the new rules.

A working group, including the Association of British Orchestras, the English National Opera, the Royal Opera House, Equity, the Health and Safety Executive and the Musicians Union, is now apparently discussing how the guidelines could apply.

Aside from playing less noisy pieces, orchestras may be told to supply earplugs to the performers.

Quite how the players are meant to perform at their best, if they are wearing earplugs is beyond me. That being said, Beethoven was deaf when he composed "Ode To Joy" (rather a noisy piece).

What baout pop concerts then?

Aren't they a tad noisy too?

Liz Forbes, the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra's concerts director, is unimpressed:

"Very few concerts use earplugs.

They're not ideal for hearing the ensemble

and what colleagues are doing."

Somewhat over the top wouldn't you say?

So let's give two fingers to Nanny, and let rip at full volume with this version of the Ode To Joy.

It will also put you in the right frame of mind, and banish those Monday morning blues".

Click here: Ode To Joy and give someone the horn this morning!

Nanny Bans, Then Unbans Pigs

Nanny is a tortured soul, she frets 24 hours a day about the offence that may be given to every single person living in Britain by even the most harmless of remark or action.

In Nanny's world it is always better, and easier, to ban something; lest it cause offence, rather than to allow freedom of speech and freedom of action.

Why?

In my view there are two main reasons for this approach:

1 Nanny fears freedom of thought and action, as of course they undermine her rule

2 Nanny is intellectually lazy and doesn't have the time or ability to justify "controversial" actions, therefore she takes the easy option and bans things.

Here is a particularly fine example of Nanny stupidity, concerning a simple school festival that turned into a battle between common sense and utter stupidity.

Honley Junior School in West Yorkshire was to perform the Roald Dahl story of Little Red Riding Hood and the three little pigs. However, Nanny didn't approve of this and instructed the school to substitute puppies for pigs.

Why?

Isn't it obvious?

Nanny decided that some of the Muslim children singing about pigs would be embarrassed.

Can anyone tell me, at what stage did Britain become an Islamic Kalifate?

Needless to say, there has been a right old hoo ha about this senseless decision, and Kirklees Council has stepped in and authorised the use of pigs in the show.

As ever with deranged decisions, the order to ban the pigs was made by a committee. You see folks in committees no one ever has to take responsibility for acts of utter stupidity, and as such the dimmest and most spiteful of people on the committee manage to get their views acted upon.

Gill Goodswen, who is one of the organisers of the Kirklees Primary Music festival behind the changes, said:

"We have to be sensitive if we want to be multi-cultural.

It was felt it would be more responsible

not to use the three little pigs."

She said the committee had to consider the feelings of children who would be singing along, not just the performers.

"We feared that some Muslim children wouldn't sing along

to the words about pigs.

We didn't want to take that risk.

If changing a few words avoids offence

then we will do so."

Feeble minded people like this, who don't stand up for common sense, allow bullies and extremists to pervert our way of life; she should be reomved from office...PERIOD!

Mohammed Imran, of the nearby Hanfia Mosque and Educational Institute, said that Islam does not ban the mentioning of pigs.

Philip Davies, the Conservative MP for Shipley, said:

"My view is that the people responsible for this

are completely bonkers. It is the type of political correctness

which makes people's blood boil.

As usual it is done in the name of ethnic minorities

but it is perpetrated by white, middle class,

do-gooders with a guilt complex

and far too much time on their hands."

Kirklees council education spokesman, Jim Dodds, stepped up to the mark (to his credit) and said the idea was bollocks:

"There is something barmy going on here

and it has happened on my watch.

I can tell you now that the three little pigs

will be back into the school musical festival.

The decision (to ban the pigs)

was made by well-meaning people -

it was the wrong decision,

so let's stick with the traditions."

Good for him!

The festival is due to take place in June.

Re "well meaning people", these people should not be allowed out on their own, they cause more trouble and division in society than enough; because they spend their lives looking for fault in everything around them they are sad losers, willing to do Nanny's dirty work.

Convince a little man that he is performing a great task for humanity, and he will walk through fire for you.

The House of Frasier

Nanny has taught us all one very vital lesson in life, no matter how trivial the complaint, one person can change things; ie the minority can exercise control over the majority.

Whether this is good or bad, I leave you to judge.

One fine example of an individual changing things occured in my wonderful home town of Croydon the other day.

The House of Fraser chain had recently started an advertising campaign for their new range of fashion bits and pieces.

The slogan for the new campaign was:

"Black is back, white is right"

Can you guess what happened next?

Yes, that's right, one person complained that the slogan was racist.

Needless to say, the House of Fraser realising that in Nanny's Britain we have lost the power of thought and reasoning, pulled the entire campaign nationwide.

The complainant, a woman who does not want to be named, said:

"One of my colleagues first told me about the poster

and I had to see it before I believed it.

I was so amazed I took a picture of it.

All I can think is that they don't have

a very culturally aware marketing team

if they couldn't see how bad it would look.

It echoes a racist poem that was around in the 1960s

which said If you is white, you's alright,

if you's brown, stick around, but if you's black,

hmm, hmm, brother, get back, get back, get back.

I just feel for the people in Croydon who remember

those times and cannot believe

that it was actually put up in a shop window."

Now, at first sight, that may seem to be vaguely plausible. However, it is in fact utter bollocks!

Aside from the point that one person being offended should not necessarily be a valid reason for cancelling a campaign, there is a far larger fly in this woman's oinkment.

Her facts are wrong.

The "racist" poem that she inaccurately quotes, was in fact a Blues song written and performed by Big Bill Broonzy, the song was called "Black, Brown, and White Blues" (listen to an extract by clicking the link).

Mr Broonzy was in fact an American Blues singer, and ...errrmm...he was black.

The song was written to express his feelings about the inequalities between the races in America, at that time. Therefore, how the fark can the "complainant" describe it as being racist?

"Just listen to this song I'm singin brother,
you know its true,
If you're black and got to work for a living,
here's what people will say,
Now if you're white,
you're all right,
And if you're brown,
stick around;
But if you're black,
oh brother,
Get back, get back, get back"

It's a pity that the House of Frasier did not bother to do some research and stand their ground, even if their slogan was rather lame.

As ever, in Nanny's Britain a little ignorance goes a long way!

Feel free to contact the House of Frasier via this link HOF.

The Dangers of Singing

Nanny has something of a problem with people doing things "off their own bat", she doesn't approve of it at all.

Only those activities that are fully regulated and, by definition, fully controlled by Nanny are allowed.

Such is the fate of the Terrington Choir of Terrington All Saints Church, who were planning a grand fundraising event next year to mark the tenth anniversary of local music, drama and crafts.

Seemingly Nanny will not allow the choir to sing in the local church, until a risk assessment is commissioned.

The festival's steering committee has been told it must carry out detailed assessments of every potential risk in every location across the village, where the scores of events will be held, before it can go ahead.

Ian Hughes, the village postmaster and one of the organisers, blamed today's litigation culture for making it impossible to hold free local events.

Quote:

"The world's getting crazy.

We have concerts in the church without any trouble

but we were told for the first time this year

that absolutely every last thing has to have a risk assessment done

to try and limit our liability.

I appreciate the importance of self-policing

and trying to concentrate our minds on potential problems

but this is madness.

I guess that's how life is these days.

It's because of the culture we live in these days

where the slightest thing can get you sued."

Scarborough and Whitby MP, Robert Goodwill, said:

"Unfortunately, we live in a culture of blame

where even the most innocent and routine of activities

has to be insured and risk- assessed.

People have been going to Terrington All Saints Church

for hundreds of years without any catastrophes that I'm aware of.

What's next?

Bell ringers having to wear helmets in case a bell falls?

Although Terrington Feast will be going ahead,

there are other events that have had to be cancelled

because of the prohibitive cost of insurance.

Too many groups are having to jump

through the most ridiculous of hoops

to hold the simplest of charitable events."

The culture of blame is nurtured and encouraged by the political classes. Time to dump the politicians methinks, and return to commonsense.

Nanny Bans Organs

Ooh vicar, what a massive organ you have!

Jokes like these will soon become a thing of the past, if Nanny has her way.

It seems that Nanny's best chums in Euroland are worried about the state of our organs.

Please submit your favourite organ joke via the comment box...

Anyhoo, an EU directive has been issued which is aimed at controlling lead waste. Nothing wrong with that, except for the fact it impacts British organs!

You see folks, organ pipes contain lead; Nanny feels that the lead content of these pipes pose a serious threat to our health and safety.

I would venture to ask how many of you have actually sucked an organ...but I guess that would be taken in the wrong way!

As soon as an organ faces refurbishment, or rebuilding, the EC directive comes into play. Organs at Salisbury Cathedral, St Paul's in London, Worcester Cathedral, St Albans Abbey and Birmingham Town Hall are among the first that may be facing the chop as they are to be refurbished.

Nanny's regulations permit electrical equipment to have a maximum of 0.1% of their weight as lead. Organ pipes have a lead content of a stonking 50% or more. Nanny's chums in the Department of Trade and Industry has advised organ builders that, in the interests of directive harmony, they must "prepare to comply".

Now at this point you may have thought that an organ was a wind device..more jokes please...but you see, the wind producing part of the instrument is powered by an electric motor.

The great Harrison and Harrison organ at the South Bank, which is now undergoing refurbishment, is under immediate threat. Under EU Directive 2002 95/EC RoHS and EU Directive 2002 96/EC WEEE, it will technically be illegal to reinstall it.

The Salisbury Cathedral organ, where the console is being renovated, is also in danger of breaking Nanny's new law.

Tim Hone, head of liturgy and music at the cathedral, said:

"We would have to use a piano in perpetuity."

One point that even a 10 year old could have worked out, not Nanny of course, is that the lead in organ pipes is not thrown away but re-used. Therefore, if common sense were to be used, the directive should not apply.

However, we all know that Nanny and her lackeys do not exeicise common sense; they merely follow and implent the laws to the letter.

In a letter to organists nationwide, Katherine Venning, the president of the Institute of British Organ Building, said:

"There is a very black cloud on the horizon.

This is not a safety issue.

Pipe makers live to a ripe old age, with no known damage to their health.

The use of tin-lead alloy is essential.

There is no known substitute that will give equivalent results.

Pipe organs last indefinitely, and present no threat to the environment."

A lackey for the DTI said that the directive did apply to organs, and that Britain could not deviate from a "harmonised approach".

There is a possible solution, remove the electric motors and resort to hand pumping...cue more jokes..to keep the organ going.

People of Britain, stand up for you organs!